(no subject)
I miss her so much..
I knew what I was getting into when this began, and I know I only need to hold out a couple more months and this wait will be over. But it hits me hard specially when I can't talk to her for days and days. In all reality i just need to vent. And it's not the kind of venting you can do with your friends. Sure I tell people I miss her and all but it really doesn't make me feel all that much better.
Maybe because she's not the real reason that I feel this way. Love shouldn't be conditional to distance and time and in my head I know that. But what I feel is what I feel, and it's confusing that I do feel this emptiness. I need to fill that with my own self made happiness, nothing from the outside will ever satisfy what I need to fill my voids.
This journal has served me so well to see my faults and my way of thinking. It's been a relief to vent and see exactly what it really is that is going on inside me. Kind Of hard to explain it in my head to myself so I just keep on writing.
I will write my shortcomings for the day:
I didnt wake up at the time that I felt I should have. I forgot to meet up with my brother for his company meeting. And I have a feeling that I forgot to do something for my company today.. I can't remember what, but something tells me that I forgot.
I also went on Facebooks that went mine. And deliberately spied on people.. And lastly I broke my diet.
Ugh.. I feel a mess sometimes even when it's with small things.
I really need to finish my 4th step.. I think I have many resentments and much pain inside me cause by many things that I need to relieve myself of.. This spiritual journey has yet to reach it's peak and I feel I am lacking in that department recently. When I'm investing the least amount of time to my spiritual growth is probably when I need it the most.
One day I will be able to forgive myself for the wrongs i have done in this life. And maybe ask for forgiveness as well, making amends would be nice.. I don't know if I'm ready for all that just yet, but I'm excited to get there.
All in all I just have to put on my pants and be a man about things.. Just do what I have to do and not complain about it.. And not derail from my path.
It's all I got for now. I have to remember not to be so hard on myself .. But also not let myself loose.. It's tough but I'm learning.
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