I want to stay
I struggle.
I fail. A lot.
I break promises. Say I will. Don't.
And I lie. About the failures, the promises, what I can, what I can't, where I was and what I'll be.
Somehow, I don't think of myself as a liar. My whole life is a lie, but me? I'm honest. As honest as someone can be who never tells the truth.
I'm bone-tired of it.
Don't like the failures, my broken word, all the lies and all the people I let down. I let everybody down. Every day, in some way big or small, I let someone down. Every day.
I don't have many friends. I used to have dozens of people I'd have called a friend. Dozens of people to spend time with. I don't now. People gather, and I leave.
I think it's better that way.
This would all be easier if I truly believed anything would ever change or feel less impossible. I think I could tackle each day a little better if I thought that at some point in the near future, every twenty-four hours would no longer be Everest.
Doing my laundry is exhausting, and if I could make that into a unit to measure things with, every day seems to have more loads of laundry than I could ever wash in a week.
I don't understand other people. Every day makes me want to cry, just a little.
Not because I'm sad, really. Because I'm tired. Why is life so tiring? Does it ever, ever end? Because I don't think it does.
That's the kind of thing that makes you wonder why you're still trying, then.
It's like this:
Someone once asked me on an anonymous comment meme to explain why I identify with both Dr. Gregory House and the Doctor. An understandable question, since they're so different. I meant to answer -
- I always mean to -
- but I couldn't explain why.
Last night, I thought, Look: They both run away.
And: But I want to stay.
So this is where I live:
I struggle.
I fail. A lot.
I break promises. Say I will. Don't.
And I lie. About the failures, the promises, what I can, what I can't, where I was and what I'll be.
Somehow, I don't think of myself as a liar. My whole life is a lie, but me? I'm honest. As honest as someone can be who never tells the truth.
I'm bone-tired of it.
Don't like the failures, my broken word, all the lies and all the people I let down. I let everybody down. Every day, in some way big or small, I let someone down. Every day.
I don't have many friends. I used to have dozens of people I'd have called a friend. Dozens of people to spend time with. I don't now. People gather, and I leave.
I think it's better that way.
This would all be easier if I truly believed anything would ever change or feel less impossible. I think I could tackle each day a little better if I thought that at some point in the near future, every twenty-four hours would no longer be Everest.
Doing my laundry is exhausting, and if I could make that into a unit to measure things with, every day seems to have more loads of laundry than I could ever wash in a week.
I don't understand other people. Every day makes me want to cry, just a little.
Not because I'm sad, really. Because I'm tired. Why is life so tiring? Does it ever, ever end? Because I don't think it does.
That's the kind of thing that makes you wonder why you're still trying, then.
It's like this:
Someone once asked me on an anonymous comment meme to explain why I identify with both Dr. Gregory House and the Doctor. An understandable question, since they're so different. I meant to answer -
- I always mean to -
- but I couldn't explain why.
Last night, I thought, Look: They both run away.
And: But I want to stay.
So this is where I live:
I struggle.