Not a happy panda...
Slight TMI follows, and comments are screened:
Very first gynecology exam in two days. And yeah, I'm overdue, but that doesn't mean that I'm in ANY way looking forward to this.
It was supposed to be two weeks ago, but that turned out to be bad timing. Which is lucky for me, since I remembered the night before that I had wanted to mentally prepare myself by reading up on how the exam goes, and ended up just staying awake all night instead...reading fanfic and trying not to think about it.
I'm aware that most of the small anxieties bouncing around in my brain are both standard issue and cliche, i.e. what if I'm strikingly odd down there in a way I was somehow unaware of, etc. I'm basically ignoring those, because I'm sure if I'm actually strikingly odd, it's not going to matter unless it's unhealthy.
My MAIN concern is really that I don't think I've had another person touch me there since age nine or so at the latest (although I don't clearly remember some things that have happened to me, so I don't know for sure), so I don't know how I'll react to that. As a general rule, I am pretty casual about the girlparts unless someone else needs to make a big deal out of them, and I couldn't care less about any medical examination above the waist.
But not knowing how I'm going to deal with this invasion of privacy is freaking me out. That's really the worst part - not that I'm going to be touched, necessarily, more that I don't know what I'll do when the moment comes. I keep thinking of an FtM who posted a story to bad_sex detailing how he tried to have vaginal sex with his boyfriend - not knowing or guessing until he tried it that it would result in him having an enormous panic attack and meltdown.
Also, my doctor has already told me that she doesn't see a need to do a Pap smear, which I could swear goes against all the very little I know about Pap smears. Particularly since the ONLY reason I'm getting this examination in the first place is because my cycle has been rather odd for the past several months.
The hell? I'm wondering if I should insist on one.
Very first gynecology exam in two days. And yeah, I'm overdue, but that doesn't mean that I'm in ANY way looking forward to this.
It was supposed to be two weeks ago, but that turned out to be bad timing. Which is lucky for me, since I remembered the night before that I had wanted to mentally prepare myself by reading up on how the exam goes, and ended up just staying awake all night instead...reading fanfic and trying not to think about it.
I'm aware that most of the small anxieties bouncing around in my brain are both standard issue and cliche, i.e. what if I'm strikingly odd down there in a way I was somehow unaware of, etc. I'm basically ignoring those, because I'm sure if I'm actually strikingly odd, it's not going to matter unless it's unhealthy.
My MAIN concern is really that I don't think I've had another person touch me there since age nine or so at the latest (although I don't clearly remember some things that have happened to me, so I don't know for sure), so I don't know how I'll react to that. As a general rule, I am pretty casual about the girlparts unless someone else needs to make a big deal out of them, and I couldn't care less about any medical examination above the waist.
But not knowing how I'm going to deal with this invasion of privacy is freaking me out. That's really the worst part - not that I'm going to be touched, necessarily, more that I don't know what I'll do when the moment comes. I keep thinking of an FtM who posted a story to bad_sex detailing how he tried to have vaginal sex with his boyfriend - not knowing or guessing until he tried it that it would result in him having an enormous panic attack and meltdown.
Also, my doctor has already told me that she doesn't see a need to do a Pap smear, which I could swear goes against all the very little I know about Pap smears. Particularly since the ONLY reason I'm getting this examination in the first place is because my cycle has been rather odd for the past several months.
The hell? I'm wondering if I should insist on one.