Characteristics of Emotionally Abused Adults
There's a smallish discussion over in house_md about "One Day, One Room," and how realistic it is for House to have abuse in his backstory. More yawning AND aggravation over people who Just Don't Get It.
However, hry2007 linked to this site on emotional abuse which may or may not be of interest to some others on my list.
As a general rule, I would have ignored this link. But I had an OOC brainspasm a few months back, and bought a book at Chapters from the...self-help section.
Understand, I NEVER do that. Self-help books, in my opinion, are written by money-hungry con artists feeding on human insecurity, or they're written by namby-pamby touchy-feely therapists convinced there's deep meaning in the shapes you see in the clouds.
Nevertheless, I've been more and more bothered lately by the sense that my life is stuck, wheels spinning in the mud. Treatment for ADHD got me a few inches farther, but not by much. Now what?
The book I bought was Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How To Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness. (Also on Amazon.com here.)
As you might be able to tell, it's one of those namby-pamby ones that basically asks you to identify all your !Deepest Fears! and tell them to Bugger Off.
I've never been less happy than I was after reading the first few chapters of this book.
See, I've been under the impression that I've greatly improved over the years. That a lot of my past is past. Oh, I know - everyone with a yucky past says that! But really - a lot of ugly ways of getting by in this world that I used to employ are no longer at the top of my list of coping skills.
What this book taught me: I've just REPLACED THEM, and possibly increased them. The long list of self-sabotaging behaviours the author lists - I have almost ALL OF THEM. I reject the idea that it's necessary to go to therapy for this shit, but still, if I have THIS MUCH work to do, maybe flinging myself off a bridge would be easier. (Note: that's not actually a plan of action.)
Is it any wonder that watching House is so raw sometimes, that I relate to him so much?
The above book was maybe just TOO much of a kick in the pants. This list - slightly less so, and I clicked it and considered it for that reason.
Note:
Bold are items I think definitely apply to me.
Italics are items I'm not sure about.
Underlined items applied to me as a child, but not much anymore.
Characteristics of Emotionally Abused People
* Can only guess at what healthy behavior is. - [I believe ADHD can have this effect as well, along with many others on the list, which makes distinguishing what caused what difficult.]
* Have trouble completing things - [Some of this is ADHD, some is being unable to let go of things that feel safe.]
* Lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home. - [This definitely has roots in how I was raised, and ADHD only made things worse, since as an ADHD kid, you're constantly screwing up. Add to that that you'll be screamed at, beaten, etc, for screwing up, and you have a kid who lies automatically to protect themselves.]
* Judge themselves without mercy. - [I often hate everything I do.]
* Have trouble accepting compliments. - [Who doesn't?]
* Often take responsibility for problems, but not successes.
* Or they go to the other extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for mistakes while trying to take credit for the work of others. - [I suspect I switch between these two.]
* Have trouble having fun since their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed. - [Not sure, but I know that "having fun" these days nearly always means doing something to repress anxiety.]
* Take themselves very seriously or not seriously at all.
* Have difficulty with intimate relationships. - [HA.]
* Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking for things.) - [Since this never works, I got in the habit years and years ago of working at needing as little as possible from anyone. Actually, I hate the very concept of "needing" anything from another human being.]
* Over-react to things beyond their control. - [I think this is another ADHD overlap.]
* Constantly seek approval & affirmation. - [Which basically ensured I never got it, and created several semi-sexual relationships with authority figures.]
* Feel different from others. - [It's impossible to pin down what causes this in my case, and "different" is so vague...but yeah, I've always felt alienated from other life on this planet.]
* Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved. - ["Loyal" is a concept that barely exists in my vocabulary. If it doesn't serve Numero Uno, I'm GONE.]
* Are either super responsible or super irresponsible. - [I admit to frequently being the latter.]
* Tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. - [Probably, although I've never really understood what this meant.]
Probably I'll have more to say on this later, but House is on. Oh, and I think we need more cat food.
However, hry2007 linked to this site on emotional abuse which may or may not be of interest to some others on my list.
As a general rule, I would have ignored this link. But I had an OOC brainspasm a few months back, and bought a book at Chapters from the...self-help section.
Understand, I NEVER do that. Self-help books, in my opinion, are written by money-hungry con artists feeding on human insecurity, or they're written by namby-pamby touchy-feely therapists convinced there's deep meaning in the shapes you see in the clouds.
Nevertheless, I've been more and more bothered lately by the sense that my life is stuck, wheels spinning in the mud. Treatment for ADHD got me a few inches farther, but not by much. Now what?
The book I bought was Secrets You Keep From Yourself: How To Stop Sabotaging Your Happiness. (Also on Amazon.com here.)
As you might be able to tell, it's one of those namby-pamby ones that basically asks you to identify all your !Deepest Fears! and tell them to Bugger Off.
I've never been less happy than I was after reading the first few chapters of this book.
See, I've been under the impression that I've greatly improved over the years. That a lot of my past is past. Oh, I know - everyone with a yucky past says that! But really - a lot of ugly ways of getting by in this world that I used to employ are no longer at the top of my list of coping skills.
What this book taught me: I've just REPLACED THEM, and possibly increased them. The long list of self-sabotaging behaviours the author lists - I have almost ALL OF THEM. I reject the idea that it's necessary to go to therapy for this shit, but still, if I have THIS MUCH work to do, maybe flinging myself off a bridge would be easier. (Note: that's not actually a plan of action.)
Is it any wonder that watching House is so raw sometimes, that I relate to him so much?
The above book was maybe just TOO much of a kick in the pants. This list - slightly less so, and I clicked it and considered it for that reason.
Note:
Bold are items I think definitely apply to me.
Italics are items I'm not sure about.
Underlined items applied to me as a child, but not much anymore.
Characteristics of Emotionally Abused People
* Can only guess at what healthy behavior is. - [I believe ADHD can have this effect as well, along with many others on the list, which makes distinguishing what caused what difficult.]
* Have trouble completing things - [Some of this is ADHD, some is being unable to let go of things that feel safe.]
* Lie when they don't need to. Lying might have been a survival tactic in the home. - [This definitely has roots in how I was raised, and ADHD only made things worse, since as an ADHD kid, you're constantly screwing up. Add to that that you'll be screamed at, beaten, etc, for screwing up, and you have a kid who lies automatically to protect themselves.]
* Judge themselves without mercy. - [I often hate everything I do.]
* Have trouble accepting compliments. - [Who doesn't?]
* Often take responsibility for problems, but not successes.
* Or they go to the other extreme and refuse to take any responsibility for mistakes while trying to take credit for the work of others. - [I suspect I switch between these two.]
* Have trouble having fun since their childhoods were lost, stolen, repressed. - [Not sure, but I know that "having fun" these days nearly always means doing something to repress anxiety.]
* Take themselves very seriously or not seriously at all.
* Have difficulty with intimate relationships. - [HA.]
* Expect others to just "know what they want." (They can't express it because they were so often disappointed as children that they learned to stop asking for things.) - [Since this never works, I got in the habit years and years ago of working at needing as little as possible from anyone. Actually, I hate the very concept of "needing" anything from another human being.]
* Over-react to things beyond their control. - [I think this is another ADHD overlap.]
* Constantly seek approval & affirmation. - [Which basically ensured I never got it, and created several semi-sexual relationships with authority figures.]
* Feel different from others. - [It's impossible to pin down what causes this in my case, and "different" is so vague...but yeah, I've always felt alienated from other life on this planet.]
* Are extremely loyal, even when facing overwhelming evidence that their loyalty is undeserved. - ["Loyal" is a concept that barely exists in my vocabulary. If it doesn't serve Numero Uno, I'm GONE.]
* Are either super responsible or super irresponsible. - [I admit to frequently being the latter.]
* Tend to lock themselves into a course of action without giving serious consideration to alternative behaviors or possible consequences. - [Probably, although I've never really understood what this meant.]
Probably I'll have more to say on this later, but House is on. Oh, and I think we need more cat food.