We don't choose what we see.
The dreams I've been having lately are nuuuuts.
Well I don't know, I guess I can't say just lately because I've always had insane dreams, my whole life. Dreams in my sleep, and even my awake ones are so crazy-vivid. They swirl in color and music and touch and even taste and smell. They are so real to me and confuse me with reality sometimes. I remember my first dreams when i was like 7 years old- one was of the kool-aid man in my bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror. He had a white chocolate baseball he wanted to share with me. Another was me playing with the old disney babies characters at the top of my stairs, in my old house. I remember these, maybe even more so than what really happened to me as a child.
There's a bright red book on my shelf I keep for recording dreams. I've been bad lately about keeping up.
Two days ago my dream was about Xian getting shot. It was a truly horrible one- he took a bullet right in the face, trying to protect me from a pack of angry guys. I screamed and screamed for it afterwards and woke up mid-run to his splayed out body. Horrible.
That wasn't even one of the bad ones. I'm famous for apocolyptic dreams, everything from giant floods of green ooze covering cities to alien invasions to massive ice and heat storms. Sometimes I make it, sometimes I don't. I perfer the ones where the event had already taken place and I'm left to help the survivors live in the new world. The ones where I'm actually running from the means to an end- not a fan.
Last night, unrelated to any of those, I had a different kind of dream. I was in my new apartment and Esmelda, Candace and Matt came by, people I went to Spain with. They all had shiny red bicycles and backpacks. They said, we've had enough of eveythting. We are all the best thing we've ever found, each other. We're going from city to city to pick up everyone. We're all going to bike together, have an adventure together, and fuck the rest.
I waned to go with them so badly. So badly in fact in the dream i started to pack up my things and figure out logistically how I could do it. I was seriously seriously stressed out in the dream; money-wise leaving everything behind, and of course everyone. Xian was there and half my dream was spent in my dream-head trying to figure out how I could get him to come with us too.
Of course, because I'm a freak about closure, I woke up before any final decision was made. I wonder what it's telling me. I wonder if it was real, in a way.
The puertorican sun fried my brain. I even took a mental day today that was completely unncessessary (sp.?). I'm still pretty darn sick, so that's enough excuse for me. No way is there still two stupid days in this week.
I need God to take me out of this situation. There;s plenty I've learned by now. OK OK, you know? Like I get it. I got lessons of patience and loss and responsibility and time management and dealing with habitual things and budgeting and trust and judgement. I've learned, OK thanks. Time to have fun again. God put me here in this rediculous wierd and strange and uuuug situation for some reason beyond me. But that's what I've gahered and now I request an out. I want to feel comfortable again, for a little while. Or at least happy without so much effort.
Sometimes when I'm spelling words that are a little longer I'll just keep throwing letters in and forget to stop spelling. Only because I don't really know how to spell. Like:
Responbilility?
Responbilility?
Unecessary?
Unnesscessary?
Uneccessary?
Yeah, like that.
I miss writing. Someone hire me to write for more than 30 grand a year in Boston. Kay thanks.
Well I don't know, I guess I can't say just lately because I've always had insane dreams, my whole life. Dreams in my sleep, and even my awake ones are so crazy-vivid. They swirl in color and music and touch and even taste and smell. They are so real to me and confuse me with reality sometimes. I remember my first dreams when i was like 7 years old- one was of the kool-aid man in my bathroom, looking at himself in the mirror. He had a white chocolate baseball he wanted to share with me. Another was me playing with the old disney babies characters at the top of my stairs, in my old house. I remember these, maybe even more so than what really happened to me as a child.
There's a bright red book on my shelf I keep for recording dreams. I've been bad lately about keeping up.
Two days ago my dream was about Xian getting shot. It was a truly horrible one- he took a bullet right in the face, trying to protect me from a pack of angry guys. I screamed and screamed for it afterwards and woke up mid-run to his splayed out body. Horrible.
That wasn't even one of the bad ones. I'm famous for apocolyptic dreams, everything from giant floods of green ooze covering cities to alien invasions to massive ice and heat storms. Sometimes I make it, sometimes I don't. I perfer the ones where the event had already taken place and I'm left to help the survivors live in the new world. The ones where I'm actually running from the means to an end- not a fan.
Last night, unrelated to any of those, I had a different kind of dream. I was in my new apartment and Esmelda, Candace and Matt came by, people I went to Spain with. They all had shiny red bicycles and backpacks. They said, we've had enough of eveythting. We are all the best thing we've ever found, each other. We're going from city to city to pick up everyone. We're all going to bike together, have an adventure together, and fuck the rest.
I waned to go with them so badly. So badly in fact in the dream i started to pack up my things and figure out logistically how I could do it. I was seriously seriously stressed out in the dream; money-wise leaving everything behind, and of course everyone. Xian was there and half my dream was spent in my dream-head trying to figure out how I could get him to come with us too.
Of course, because I'm a freak about closure, I woke up before any final decision was made. I wonder what it's telling me. I wonder if it was real, in a way.
The puertorican sun fried my brain. I even took a mental day today that was completely unncessessary (sp.?). I'm still pretty darn sick, so that's enough excuse for me. No way is there still two stupid days in this week.
I need God to take me out of this situation. There;s plenty I've learned by now. OK OK, you know? Like I get it. I got lessons of patience and loss and responsibility and time management and dealing with habitual things and budgeting and trust and judgement. I've learned, OK thanks. Time to have fun again. God put me here in this rediculous wierd and strange and uuuug situation for some reason beyond me. But that's what I've gahered and now I request an out. I want to feel comfortable again, for a little while. Or at least happy without so much effort.
Sometimes when I'm spelling words that are a little longer I'll just keep throwing letters in and forget to stop spelling. Only because I don't really know how to spell. Like:
Responbilility?
Responbilility?
Unecessary?
Unnesscessary?
Uneccessary?
Yeah, like that.
I miss writing. Someone hire me to write for more than 30 grand a year in Boston. Kay thanks.