Head full of tricks and treats...
I'm never satisfied.
Life I assumed came in really definite phases. There was your childhood then teens then twenties then career-ish phase then finding love? then retirement kids travel grandkids oh God I dunno. When people talk about life it sounded always real choppy. Everything that happened to you made you turn another life corner and reality was reborn as you know it.
False, it's all gray. I haven't gracefully moved to each phase, nor moved chopily either. It's all just kind of one big chaotic blender of rediculousness.
My blender is on high speed lately and I'm so over feeling like I'm going to puke every five seconds. I completely hid from the world this weekend because I'm that over it.
Wierdly what I'm upset about is something I thought I was perfectly ok with. I know I'm vauge all the time, but it looks like I have to be even more vauge. Things in my life are controversial apparently.
Looks like I'll have to hermit my blog too. Can't feed to Facebook anymore, because people talk. I hate how people talk. Can't complain too much because I am an open book, I ask for it, but still. It hurts to finally realize not everyone has everyone's best interests in mind. I've never known anything else but to put others before me. Seems so simple, the concept of selflessness. I quickly forget it's not common law. At first I though hey, people mess up that's all. I mean sheesh I'm no saint, of course I've been selfish before. But there's people out there who always always take the easier road. For whatever reason and for whatever happened to them, that's how it is.
At this point, what I say is irrevalent. I'm in a state where it won't be easy to claw out of it. I don't even know if I have the energy to fight. I might not. I'm scared of that.
AAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD. I'm going to Florida on Weds. Can't wait. I'm going to walk the beach and ruuuuun and be alone for hours at a time, something I haven't done in months. I hope the choking feeling will subside. Breathing has been hard lately, I feel the old panics coming back into play. I hate that, I'm cool, yo. Swear.
This all might be due to the very strange weekend I had last week. I chaperoned a confirmaiton retreat. The put the little souls of eight 10th graders into my hands. I was one of the few guides towards thier spirit they've had thier whole lives. I sort of buckled under the pressue and just let them float through the weekend. I wish I hadn't now. Sure I became thier friend and everyone else's there, but I could've done to much more.
I also went to confession for the first time in years. I was mud. Mud in the hands of that priest who patiently tried to wade through the disgusting dirty mess I'd made of my life. Oh that was hard. Harder than almost anything I've ever done, to actually come to terms with stuff I did in the last two years. Stuff I continue to do. Like not tackle my closet. Ha, not really. The least of my problems is that.
I haven't even done the penance yet. Way to stick to it.
It's time to rise. I need sustinance and to leave my comotose state. My computer is starting to melt into my knees, it's been sitting there so long. Time to revolutionize. Time to get the funk out now.
Life I assumed came in really definite phases. There was your childhood then teens then twenties then career-ish phase then finding love? then retirement kids travel grandkids oh God I dunno. When people talk about life it sounded always real choppy. Everything that happened to you made you turn another life corner and reality was reborn as you know it.
False, it's all gray. I haven't gracefully moved to each phase, nor moved chopily either. It's all just kind of one big chaotic blender of rediculousness.
My blender is on high speed lately and I'm so over feeling like I'm going to puke every five seconds. I completely hid from the world this weekend because I'm that over it.
Wierdly what I'm upset about is something I thought I was perfectly ok with. I know I'm vauge all the time, but it looks like I have to be even more vauge. Things in my life are controversial apparently.
Looks like I'll have to hermit my blog too. Can't feed to Facebook anymore, because people talk. I hate how people talk. Can't complain too much because I am an open book, I ask for it, but still. It hurts to finally realize not everyone has everyone's best interests in mind. I've never known anything else but to put others before me. Seems so simple, the concept of selflessness. I quickly forget it's not common law. At first I though hey, people mess up that's all. I mean sheesh I'm no saint, of course I've been selfish before. But there's people out there who always always take the easier road. For whatever reason and for whatever happened to them, that's how it is.
At this point, what I say is irrevalent. I'm in a state where it won't be easy to claw out of it. I don't even know if I have the energy to fight. I might not. I'm scared of that.
AAAAAAAAAAANNNNNNNDDDDDD. I'm going to Florida on Weds. Can't wait. I'm going to walk the beach and ruuuuun and be alone for hours at a time, something I haven't done in months. I hope the choking feeling will subside. Breathing has been hard lately, I feel the old panics coming back into play. I hate that, I'm cool, yo. Swear.
This all might be due to the very strange weekend I had last week. I chaperoned a confirmaiton retreat. The put the little souls of eight 10th graders into my hands. I was one of the few guides towards thier spirit they've had thier whole lives. I sort of buckled under the pressue and just let them float through the weekend. I wish I hadn't now. Sure I became thier friend and everyone else's there, but I could've done to much more.
I also went to confession for the first time in years. I was mud. Mud in the hands of that priest who patiently tried to wade through the disgusting dirty mess I'd made of my life. Oh that was hard. Harder than almost anything I've ever done, to actually come to terms with stuff I did in the last two years. Stuff I continue to do. Like not tackle my closet. Ha, not really. The least of my problems is that.
I haven't even done the penance yet. Way to stick to it.
It's time to rise. I need sustinance and to leave my comotose state. My computer is starting to melt into my knees, it's been sitting there so long. Time to revolutionize. Time to get the funk out now.