Breaking a 5 1/2 year silence!
Well, I'm not really a fan of putting my whiny feelings and whatnots all over the interwebs but this has been a hard couple of months and I don't really have anyone BUT the internet (a.k.a myself) to talk to. Yeesh, that's pathetic. I broke up with my boyfriend, who *SURPRISE* didn't seem to mind all that much and didn't put up much of a fight. I realized I've been really unhappy for over a year and I wonder why it took me so long to figure that out? I'm also realizing that I am all kinds of emotionally battered and I've been blaming everything on myself when it is definitely NOT all my fault AND that I haven't really been single since I was 19, which feels like a lifetime ago.
I'm not really sure what do with myself right now. I'm soo lonely and it makes me feel like a massive loser, middle school style. I spend most of my time with a weird rich lady and two little kids. It's not exactly the kind of job where you meet new people? At least not adult people. Dating Casey turned me into a saaaaaaaaad sack. I stopped hanging out with all my crazy friends. All of my best friends live faaar away and I have no car. I've lost touch with almost everyone I was friends with (the ones I didn't lose touch with just don't like me anymore or vice versa). I live alone. I'm afraid of my neighborhood because Casey, his roommate Ben, and their friends are EVERYWHERE (Ben works on the corner of my block!) and I really just want to avoid that whole scene.
I'm just used to always having someone to do everything with and I suddenly feel really alone. I thought I might solve this by getting a roommate but since I don't know anyone who would/could it seems unlikely for a while that I will live with anyone but my pets. I feel like I'm turning into an old, sad lady who dies in her apartment and no one notices until she smells and the cat has eaten half her face (...I have started crocheting a lot...)!
My whole plan was to look for a new, non-children job and get back in school. 'I will meet a buttload of new people while improving my life and self in multiple ways!', I thought. Instead, finding a new job is proving extremely difficult which is new for me and as usual the whole money issue is proving to be an immovable boulder on the path, which is ironic because a lot of it involves Boulder. Metro put a block on my admission because I owe them money (it's only $25, but still), plus they claim I'm not eligible for in-state tuition when I DO get accepted, plus Boulder won't send my transcript because I owe them something like $800, PLUS I'm not even sure that my Department of Education account will be rehabilitated in time for me to start in January.
BLAH. (btw, if you go to the entry I posted last in 2006 and click on the Bleh links at the bottom you'll find that that's a real person! I just discovered that and was very amused) Also not going excellently is my quit smoking/ stop being a massive fatty plan. I quit smoking for one solid week, but I guess only succeeded because of the patch because once I realized what a terrible number it was doing on my skin (three weeks later I still have a red, scabby square on my chest) I stopped using the patch and immediately started smoking again. I'm not smoking in the house anymore and I went from a pack a day to half a pack a day so at least I didn't TOTALLY revert. I still plan seriously on quitting but I have to prepare myself for it being a lot harder now without patches. And maybe moving past some of this lonely hearts turmoil and school/money stress would help. As far as working out goes, I have been neither very diligent nor completely slacking. The result is that instead of my goal of losing five lbs this month (like last month) I've stayed EXACTLY the same. At least I didn't GAIN weight, I GUESS.
So...yeah. Basically, succeeding does not seem to be my strong point in life.
Sorry about that looooooong, ridiculous, "woe-is-me" type rant, but I needed to just get it all out! Sometimes a girl just needs someone to bitch to. Or a computer to bitch to, anyway.
On the upside, I started watching Weird Science and it's cheering me up considerably.
I'm not really sure what do with myself right now. I'm soo lonely and it makes me feel like a massive loser, middle school style. I spend most of my time with a weird rich lady and two little kids. It's not exactly the kind of job where you meet new people? At least not adult people. Dating Casey turned me into a saaaaaaaaad sack. I stopped hanging out with all my crazy friends. All of my best friends live faaar away and I have no car. I've lost touch with almost everyone I was friends with (the ones I didn't lose touch with just don't like me anymore or vice versa). I live alone. I'm afraid of my neighborhood because Casey, his roommate Ben, and their friends are EVERYWHERE (Ben works on the corner of my block!) and I really just want to avoid that whole scene.
I'm just used to always having someone to do everything with and I suddenly feel really alone. I thought I might solve this by getting a roommate but since I don't know anyone who would/could it seems unlikely for a while that I will live with anyone but my pets. I feel like I'm turning into an old, sad lady who dies in her apartment and no one notices until she smells and the cat has eaten half her face (...I have started crocheting a lot...)!
My whole plan was to look for a new, non-children job and get back in school. 'I will meet a buttload of new people while improving my life and self in multiple ways!', I thought. Instead, finding a new job is proving extremely difficult which is new for me and as usual the whole money issue is proving to be an immovable boulder on the path, which is ironic because a lot of it involves Boulder. Metro put a block on my admission because I owe them money (it's only $25, but still), plus they claim I'm not eligible for in-state tuition when I DO get accepted, plus Boulder won't send my transcript because I owe them something like $800, PLUS I'm not even sure that my Department of Education account will be rehabilitated in time for me to start in January.
BLAH. (btw, if you go to the entry I posted last in 2006 and click on the Bleh links at the bottom you'll find that that's a real person! I just discovered that and was very amused) Also not going excellently is my quit smoking/ stop being a massive fatty plan. I quit smoking for one solid week, but I guess only succeeded because of the patch because once I realized what a terrible number it was doing on my skin (three weeks later I still have a red, scabby square on my chest) I stopped using the patch and immediately started smoking again. I'm not smoking in the house anymore and I went from a pack a day to half a pack a day so at least I didn't TOTALLY revert. I still plan seriously on quitting but I have to prepare myself for it being a lot harder now without patches. And maybe moving past some of this lonely hearts turmoil and school/money stress would help. As far as working out goes, I have been neither very diligent nor completely slacking. The result is that instead of my goal of losing five lbs this month (like last month) I've stayed EXACTLY the same. At least I didn't GAIN weight, I GUESS.
So...yeah. Basically, succeeding does not seem to be my strong point in life.
Sorry about that looooooong, ridiculous, "woe-is-me" type rant, but I needed to just get it all out! Sometimes a girl just needs someone to bitch to. Or a computer to bitch to, anyway.
On the upside, I started watching Weird Science and it's cheering me up considerably.