(no subject)
So we had a barbeque today. The usual.
In the evening we ended up on the roof. Sitting/laying there, listening to (stupid) music, staring at the clouds (Newark knows no stars.) Enjoying the late evening. Couple of kids asleep on the couches downstairs now.
Something is missing. I've said it. I will keep saying it. And it might be hypocritical of me to cheat by moving it here, but it's true. Something is missing. I still feel it. I still get urges to remove myself, to make quick cute phonecalls that are sweet declarations of love.
I pushed it away. Over several months, but I pushed it away.
All I ever really wanted was occasional reassurance. Simply "I miss you, I'm thinking of you, but the timing is wrong."
It sucks, honestly. I know I'm still in love. I guess it's normal, too. Reviews of the new Ashlee Simpson movie (I like reading reviews of movies, good and bad) say it has a line along the lines of "You're always in love until you find someone else" regarding breaking up. And I know that's true. But this was different.
I truly believe our love was good. That it was pure. That it was true. That it was rare. My friends were making fun of me tonight that I hate contact. Even my parents have said it. I know it's true. I don't give hugs easily, nor any other contact. But I was free with it with her. I felt a need to have it often with her. And I miss those hugs very much.
It's sad. Sad that I overreacted and pushed it to this. Sad that it happened. I genuinely believe we were right. Is it naive of me? By now I suppose she thinks so. I don't think I'm a factor for her now. She has her friends. But friends are there for a time. I planned to be there forever.
And I want to talk to her. Casually. Make sure she knows she was great. Make sure she knows I still care. Make sure she knows we'd be ever better if we got together again when she's done with her rotations. But whenever we're on the phone I feel like it's my one chance to say something dumb. And I do. Instead of making it stay a nice conversation so that more follow. I'm well aware it makes me look pathetic and unattractive, even if she once told me never to call myself pathetic. It passed that point. But she should still remember why she adored me in the first place.
She should know that person is still who I am. The one she was crazy about. The cheese to her burrito.
In any case I hate here. I am dying to leave. This is a constant reminder of a failure. And that's what it is, a failure. I failed here. My friends love me, and they're great friends, but I know I can make friends anywhere. My professors love me and I'm doing great in school, but I have control over that and can do it anywhere. My career is starting to take off, and that's fine, but I know I can have a career anywhere. All this stuff is a given, as everyone has it.
I'm not certain I can find a soulmate anywhere, and I'm not certain I can ever have something pure and true and strong like this. Anywhere.
That was the one thing that felt irreplaceable. And I ruined it.
So this place has the stench of failure to me.
Am I overreacting? Again yes. And she'll read this, probably, and it will only serve to push her away. I tried playing halfassed games, and those pushed her away. Most of what I said was mediocre truth, in that it was true but stupid. This is the whole truth.
I'm not used to being hurt. I'm not used to wanting. I'm not used to needing. And it brought out the worst in me. It's the only time in my life I've felt this way.
I felt it was right. I feel letting it go is wrong. Putting it on break, fine, but not letting it go.
I'm alone in thinking that, though, as far as the partnership went, although my friends predictably agree. And what that means is I'm alone overall. I'm surrounded by great people that love me, but none are there to have my arms around them at night.
And my soulmate was there for that. The only one I was comfortable doing that with.
I miss her. I think about her. I'm trying to stop, but it's hard.
We were right.
If she doesn't think so, I might have forced it.
If she thinks so and just thinks the timing isn't, she should tell me.
It sucks to lose what you truly care about.
It sucks to want something really badly and cause it to destruct.
It sucks to want something really badly and know you're the only one to admit it.
It sucks to still be in love and be so not in control of it that you push her to not picking up the phone to call you.
I wish I could take the last year of my life back.
And I wish I could make things different.
Screw being in love and screw apparently unrequited love.
The worst part, hands down, is my dreams. Hugging and cuddling. Nothing more. A wish my heart makes. But a wish out of reach. I've woken up from a few thinking they were real, then sunk back to sleep alone.
In the evening we ended up on the roof. Sitting/laying there, listening to (stupid) music, staring at the clouds (Newark knows no stars.) Enjoying the late evening. Couple of kids asleep on the couches downstairs now.
Something is missing. I've said it. I will keep saying it. And it might be hypocritical of me to cheat by moving it here, but it's true. Something is missing. I still feel it. I still get urges to remove myself, to make quick cute phonecalls that are sweet declarations of love.
I pushed it away. Over several months, but I pushed it away.
All I ever really wanted was occasional reassurance. Simply "I miss you, I'm thinking of you, but the timing is wrong."
It sucks, honestly. I know I'm still in love. I guess it's normal, too. Reviews of the new Ashlee Simpson movie (I like reading reviews of movies, good and bad) say it has a line along the lines of "You're always in love until you find someone else" regarding breaking up. And I know that's true. But this was different.
I truly believe our love was good. That it was pure. That it was true. That it was rare. My friends were making fun of me tonight that I hate contact. Even my parents have said it. I know it's true. I don't give hugs easily, nor any other contact. But I was free with it with her. I felt a need to have it often with her. And I miss those hugs very much.
It's sad. Sad that I overreacted and pushed it to this. Sad that it happened. I genuinely believe we were right. Is it naive of me? By now I suppose she thinks so. I don't think I'm a factor for her now. She has her friends. But friends are there for a time. I planned to be there forever.
And I want to talk to her. Casually. Make sure she knows she was great. Make sure she knows I still care. Make sure she knows we'd be ever better if we got together again when she's done with her rotations. But whenever we're on the phone I feel like it's my one chance to say something dumb. And I do. Instead of making it stay a nice conversation so that more follow. I'm well aware it makes me look pathetic and unattractive, even if she once told me never to call myself pathetic. It passed that point. But she should still remember why she adored me in the first place.
She should know that person is still who I am. The one she was crazy about. The cheese to her burrito.
In any case I hate here. I am dying to leave. This is a constant reminder of a failure. And that's what it is, a failure. I failed here. My friends love me, and they're great friends, but I know I can make friends anywhere. My professors love me and I'm doing great in school, but I have control over that and can do it anywhere. My career is starting to take off, and that's fine, but I know I can have a career anywhere. All this stuff is a given, as everyone has it.
I'm not certain I can find a soulmate anywhere, and I'm not certain I can ever have something pure and true and strong like this. Anywhere.
That was the one thing that felt irreplaceable. And I ruined it.
So this place has the stench of failure to me.
Am I overreacting? Again yes. And she'll read this, probably, and it will only serve to push her away. I tried playing halfassed games, and those pushed her away. Most of what I said was mediocre truth, in that it was true but stupid. This is the whole truth.
I'm not used to being hurt. I'm not used to wanting. I'm not used to needing. And it brought out the worst in me. It's the only time in my life I've felt this way.
I felt it was right. I feel letting it go is wrong. Putting it on break, fine, but not letting it go.
I'm alone in thinking that, though, as far as the partnership went, although my friends predictably agree. And what that means is I'm alone overall. I'm surrounded by great people that love me, but none are there to have my arms around them at night.
And my soulmate was there for that. The only one I was comfortable doing that with.
I miss her. I think about her. I'm trying to stop, but it's hard.
We were right.
If she doesn't think so, I might have forced it.
If she thinks so and just thinks the timing isn't, she should tell me.
It sucks to lose what you truly care about.
It sucks to want something really badly and cause it to destruct.
It sucks to want something really badly and know you're the only one to admit it.
It sucks to still be in love and be so not in control of it that you push her to not picking up the phone to call you.
I wish I could take the last year of my life back.
And I wish I could make things different.
Screw being in love and screw apparently unrequited love.
The worst part, hands down, is my dreams. Hugging and cuddling. Nothing more. A wish my heart makes. But a wish out of reach. I've woken up from a few thinking they were real, then sunk back to sleep alone.