note to jesus:

[beaker33]

Do you think our 'relationship' is going anywhere? i mean honestly. we're a bit past the point where i start to get bored with a guy, or feel like im through with him or i dunno. Those actuall arent the right feelings i have, its just i cant describe what im feeling. but i feel like we have gotten no where. i get this vibe that you are kinda bored, and its like were just going through the motions. Its seems like what we do is pointless. we dont talk on the phone(sorry, but i dont like to call people) our letter say nothing in them, and we dont go out anywhere(mostly my fault) and its like what i say goes through one ear and out the other. im one to like pain and all, buts its like all the time with you. and its not even good pain. like the flicking(im oh so very glad youve stopped that)pinching me(my stomach and the inside of my pockets) popping my fingers(im not saying ow because i like it- thats shit fucking hurts)and throwing shit at me, what the fuck is that about? and the cigarette thing,i know i asked you to help me stop and its retarded for me to get mad but you have to expect that. I mean, im stopping smoking for gawds sake. thats my stress reliever, my way to make things better. its the only thing i can control, and when i cant control my urges to not smoke, wtf do i have? now, ive dont pretty good about it, im trying to be serious with it, but its so hard! Everywhere else im totally fine w/o a cigartte, but at home, im insane. right ow i wish i had one SO FUCKING BAD!! but im not going to. its a mind over matter thing, and if i dont mind, it dont matter. but ong, i mind so much! ok, im off track. and with that, we started a fight over smoking. i was the bad guy. and with the whole lying fight, i was the bad guy too. those were the first fight ive gotten into with a guy, and they were both my fault. i cant handle that. I dont want every fight we have to be my fault. i dont want to fight period. and im sorry but this whole deni thing, it just bugs me. i know you trust her more than me. your always trying to catch me in some sort of lie and she seems to always be apart of it. i know your friends with her but i dunno. i dont have anything against her personally, just something about her just rubs me the wrong way.

thats all i have so far, becuase i got writers block.