(no subject)
wow...haven't updated this thing in a while...not a whole lot goin on other than LOTS of homework and random trips home...i think i've been home for at least a day every weekend for a while now...and i really think it's because i'm just so much happier there...i hate being in rhode island...i'm not happy here at all anymore...i feel like everyday something else happens that just makes me feel like i don't belong here anymore...and as much as i hate that...i feel like there's nothing i can do about it...
so much has gone on this year...and so much has happened to me...and i just don't think i can really take it anymore...it seems like there's always a constant reminder of the fact that i fucked up my life...that i'm the one that made me this miserable...and i'm the one who's to blame for the way i feel...and i don't know how to escape that...so i just go home...home just feels good...and at home...there are people i love...that love me too...i don't feel like i have that anymore in rhode island...
i guess i just wish things were different...i wish things had turned out differently...don't really have regrets...just wish there had been different outcomes from my choices...i guess i just need to let go of all the guilt and all the blame and all the bullshit...and do something for myself...but i've never really been very good at that...i like to think that i stand up for myself and i don't take bullshit and that i'm a really independent person...and i guess in some ways...i am...but in so many others...i'm just a big pushover that allows everyone around her to treat her like shit and not say a word...and that's something i need to work on...because it's way passed time for me to start living for me...and doing for me...not saying that i don't wanna not do for other people...and i wanna become this majorly desensitized person that doesn't give a shit about anyone else...i just need to put myself as a priority...which is something i haven't done in a really long time...
i dunno...hopefully things will work themselves out...guess i'll just have to wait and see...
'til next time <3 jess :\
*...nothing worth doing is ever easy...*