distilled unwavering: 8/39 (ii/ii)
(( previous))
Yifan is so stuck on getting over the ‘talking to’s he’s already received (and on getting over whatever’s up with him that has him freaking out over Junmyeon exerting the barest hints of a power trip), that he almost forgets about Junmyeon’s warning of Jongdae.
Jongdae, fair enough, doesn’t get aggressive, necessarily. He does say something to Yifan though, which is more than he remembered to be concerned about. Though again, it’s not really something to get concerned about.
“I, like, don't want to have to threaten you with breaking your ankles or anything,” Jongdae says almost...sadly, really, as Jongin snores quietly into his dance theory book as background noise. Jongdae’s eyebrows are creased in worry and discomfort. “And I’m not...distrusting you, per se. But don't fuck him up, or else. I mean it.”
And now, Yifan vividly remembers Jongdae’s earlier directness, how that past conversation had ended with Jongdae begrudgingly admitting that Junmyeon had not been nearly as unaffected as he’d tried to convince Yifan.
It still hurts a little to think that Junmyeon hadn't felt comfortable sharing that side of himself with Yifan. But Yifan also understands withdrawing to lick your wounds. And he had confided in Tao more first as well, partly out of necessity but also because it had been easier to sort things out with a third-party. Tao had been his buffering zone; Jongdae had been Junmyeon’s.
All in all Yifan just can't be mad that Jongdae’s coming on strong this time as well. It’s been a mess, the whole aftermath. "I won't,” Yifan tells him assuredly, watching Jongdae’s eyebrows lessen in their severity just a tad. “Seriously. I already told you I won't let it happen again. I mean that.”
Jongdae sighs and fiddles with his reading glasses. Things are getting busy, exams around the corner, if Jongdae’s wearing those instead of his contacts full time. “I know you do. But I have to check. Though,” Jongdae’s eyebrows re-settle into the neutral part of his face, a hint of a smile there on his mouth. “I will do my part in making him shape up if he ever gets all super stubborn on you. He does make things hard sometimes, and I know you never want to hurt his feelings if you can help it.”
Yifan laughs a little, and now that Jongdae’s fully smiling Yifan takes it to mean that he’s been mostly forgiven. Passed the test for the right response, right answer, to deserve to date Jongdae’s best friend.
“Noted,” Yifan says, still chuckling, and Jongdae beams, nods, turning back to his own notes.
The atmosphere is lighter now, Jongin still snoring away, and everything feels...pretty normal. And. And Yifan ponders over how, yeah, Junmyeon is Jongdae’s best friend. Which…makes him good for advice. Chanyeol and Tao want him to be better at using the others as sounding boards when things with Junmyeon get a little overwhelming. And there’s a few things that have the potential to build and build into something overwhelming again between him and Junmyeon.
He’s got to figure out how to talk to Junmyeon about these things of course -- they promised to be better about that, after all. But he’d like to bounce them off of someone first, just in case. Just to get his thoughts straight.
Of course, one of the things, he doesn’t need to bounce off of anyone yet (or maybe at all): the kind of budding kink he’s apparently nursing when it comes to alignment stereotypes between them. He certainly doesn’t have to ask Jongdae to know about Junmyeon’s thing about alignments. Junmyeon’s always been pretty vocal and forthcoming about how distasteful he finds the whole thing personally as kinks. And anyway, it’d be weird to ask someone else, anyone else, even Jongdae, about how to maybe have a conversation with Junmyeon about it.
So of the things he might benefit from talking about with someone else first, that one's not actually going to happen. Not now and maybe not ever, if he can work it out and get over it quietly. Really, though, there’s another thing. And Jongdae is actually the perfect person to discuss it with.
“Hey, Jongdae? Quick question?” Yifan taps a pen on the edge of the table, and tries to figure out how to word what he wants to ask. He doesn’t want Jongdae to think he’s upset, that Junmyeon didn’t tell Yifan that he didn’t bounce back unscatched from the accidental heat sex thing, because that’s not it.
Jongdae looks up at him, eyes wide in vague interest, head tilting slightly. Yifan treads carefully. “Uh, based on how...the last thing played out and you had to tell me that Junmyeon wasn’t totally okay, do you think…?”
Jongdae’s interest shifts into something more confused and wary. Yifan is really trying here to be coherent and concise with his words. Jongdae only just stopped being kind of upset with him.
“Okay just, do you think that Junmyeon hides when he's...hurting -- or, I guess, anything but in control and put together -- from me?”
Jongdae is also carefully mulling over his word choice, obvious by how long he pauses before replying. “I wouldn't say he broadcasts it to anyone when he feels weak, no.”
That’s too vague and incomplete to be useful. “Jongdae, seriously, please. I’m asking so I can do better.”
Jongdae sighs for a very long time.
“Look. I think…” Jongdae’s words are slow and pensive. Yifan waits patiently, though on edge, to see what he’ll say.
“I think that it's really not my place to say stuff like what you’re looking specifically? But yeah, I’d...agree that he really hates anyone seeing him struggling if he can help it.” Jongdae nods firmly, like ‘that’s all I’ve got to say about it’ and ‘so you better treat him right’ both wrapped up into one judging gaze.
He doesn’t hide it from you, though, Yifan doesn't say. Because that's a low blow, and Yifan has no ground to stand on as is.
+++
Minseok needs models for some still lifes, and Yifan doesn't know what the theme or topic is supposed to be but it's generally understood that if Minseok asks you to do something, you just do it without questions. So Yifan shows up as told, and finds himself in the company of Jongin and Kyungsoo. They all nod dutifully at one another, resigned to their fate, and let Minseok manipulate the three of them in the positions he wants them in.
"I’ll do a live session for an hour and a half,” he explains kindly while taking pictures of them from all kinds of angles. “And then I’ll use the pictures for references, afterwards. You'll be free to go back to living your lives.”
Kyungsoo hums assent, while Jongin is quick to say agreeably, “It's no problem!”
Yifan just shrugs, and he’s starting to see why Minseok picked them; it’s slim pickings for the easily quiet and cooperative, and Yixing has AP math sessions, while Junmyeon is laughably busy, and Sehun has another one of his bimonthly fancy dinners to get ready for and attend. So the three of them make a lot of sense -- even if honestly, Minseok could have gotten anyone to be cooperative if he really wanted to. Yifan understands conserving your energy where you can manage to, though.
The three of them have a relatively comfortable silence while Minseok does the rough outlines, which is when he tells them it’s imperative they don’t move at all. Once he finishes that, though, he lets them know, and says, “Alright, you can talk. Just don't move your heads or anything, please and thank you.”
They’ve all been ruminating lightly on this and that during what is the basic equivalent of forcible meditation, which is why Yifan figures Jongin says, lightly and lazily, like it’s of no consequence, "Oh, hey, right, I heard everyone's like. Supposed to be giving you the talk or something?" Out the corner of his eye, Yifan can see Jongin just barely remember to not tilt his head curiously. “Um. So...do I...need to talk to you about anything too, or...?"
Yifan only flushes a little bit at the thought of getting yet another relationship talk from someone. He’s really good on that front. He hisses out, "No," the same moment Kyungsoo laughs out, "Oh please, Jongin, like you can talk to anyone about sex."
Jongin hums, not even offended. If anything, he sounds relieved. "That’s true. I’m better than you though, Kyungsoo! I mean, callousness and apathy aren’t the best for stuff like that."
Kyungsoo laughs again, obviously not hurt by what’s...honestly the truth. "I think it’s better than being a blushing shrinking violet at the mere mention of genitals."
As if on cue, Jongin instantly blushes. Yifan has to laugh too, as Jongin stumbles to defend himself uselessly. "Wha -- I don’t -- "
"Uh-huh. Just saying," Kyungsoo says lightly, smiling. “And Yifan, don’t worry. I’m not going to give you the talk, either.”
Yifan sighs, only for the lack of being allowed to shrug. "It's less ‘the talk’, and more everyone's telling me to beware of Junmyeon preying on me,” he jokes. “Jongdae evened it out, though. Told me not to break Junmyeon’s heart."
Jongin nods, then flinches immediately, “Ah, sorry!” Minseok sighs, but otherwise lets it pass without a comment, so Jongin clears his throat awkwardly and continues on. “Yeah, I know. I heard Chanyeol giving himself some kind of psych up speech about it under his breath the other day. He usually only does that when they're testing to reassign chair lineups in band."
Yifan blinks, astounded, and turns to look at Jongin in disbelief. "Wait really? I got the same prep as his band reputation?” Jongin beams and nods, and Yifan feels like he might tear up a little. “I'm...so flattered."
"Should you be?” Kyungsoo wonders to the room at large, looking up at the ceiling like he can’t totally believe the conversation.
"You are all moving your heads,” Minseok tells them lightly, though in a clear warning. “Don't make me take away talking privileges.”
Yifan flinches, but takes refuge in the fact that the other two seem startled as well. "Sorry," they all chorus in unison, going back to their fixed positions.
Conversation topics get slightly duller from there, Jongin indulging them on how his dance teacher here at school is pushing for him to try his hand at choreographing and his wariness about that. Kyungsoo talking about the upcoming winter concert for choir, and how half the choir is still ignoring the actual score and instead singing all the famous pieces like the radio adlibbing edits, holding notes too long or not long enough and adding in unnecessary runs everywhere.
“It’s obnoxious,” he admits. “And Baekhyun’s the worst one, because he’s definitely doing it on purpose to be funny. He was the first person to memorize the score when we first got it.”
When it comes to Yifan, he doesn’t have much to share. "I do boring half business, half linguistic translation course loads, mostly," Yifan says when they ask him what's new in his life. "That and basketball. The most exciting thing is that, as you know, you're all in my business of dating Junmyeon."
"And nothing new there," Minseok calls cheerfully from behind his easel. “Unless you’re pregnant, Yifan?”
Yifan breaks the no movement rule to glare at Minseok, and Minseok grins before shooing at him to get back in position.
"If you’re bored, you should try an art,” Jongin suggests excitedly. "You're kind of tall for dancing, but it's really about enjoying it more than it’s about textbook dance perfection. Honestly, I got a little tall for dance too, but you just have to tweak some stuff and try your best."
"I'm not going to pick up dance, Jongin," Yifan tells him kindly. “I’m not really bored, actually. Just...boring.”
Kyungsoo also seems interested in the prospect of Yifan trying something new, though, for some reason. "It's too late in the year for school choir," Kyungsoo informs him. "But there are local places that offer lessons -- or I'm sure Chanyeol would be glad to teach you an instrument, if you want?"
Chanyeol’s actually been sharing offhand music lessons with Yifan for a while -- since middle school, probably. Yifan can half play the drums, the saxophone, and probably the guitar if he were given a second to fiddle around with it -- especially since Henry messed around with the ukelele long enough that Yifan half memorized the basic tabbing. Chanyeol had been contemplating the clarinet before Yifan stood his ground and told Chanyeol to pick an instrument already.
"I think I'm fine?" He tells them hesitantly. “Basketball’s got me busy enough, guys, so why the push for me to get a new hobby?”
“Because it feels like your life revolves around school and Junmyeon lately, and it’s weird," Kyungsoo says without a pause, which has Yifan frowning.
“What’s that supposed to mean -- ”
Jongin cuts in hurriedly. “Ah, don’t mind him being mean, you know how he gets. I just think it’s always good to try new things, is all.”
Yifan chances a peek at Kyungsoo, like ‘really?’, and Kyungsoo looks back at him with an unreadable expression. He doesn’t apologize or explain, but he does say more neutrally, "Some of us barely see you lately, so at least think about something new you might like to do for fun with a friend, maybe."
"Art?" Minseok chimes in hopefully. "It'd be nice to have a person around who doesn't go vacant the second I start talking about complimentary colors or, I don't know. Pointilism."
That makes Yifan stop wondering if he needs to probe Kyungsoo further for an explanation. "Those...are really easy terms, though?"
Minseok laughs humorlessly. "And yet..."
So Yifan shrugs. "Okay, maybe art. I like to doodle."
Then he thinks about Junmyeon's hidden passion for drama. Way back before they were dating, Yifan remembers going to the spring musical, every night it showed, to support Junmyeon being in it. It had looked fun -- and Junmyeon had definitely seemed to enjoy it, even though he had been in the company and not a lead role. Maybe they could both pick it up, Junmyeon again and Yifan for the first time, and try it together for fun.
But then something gives Yifan pause -- Kyungsoo’s words. Maybe that's him making his life revolve around Junmyeon, though? Does he do that?
"Is...do you guys really think my life is centering around Junmyeon?" Yifan asks, worried. "I -- am I becoming one of those people?" One of those omegas, specifically. He’s got enough on his plate when it comes to alignments already, with that maybe-kink thing of his being a ongoing issue that he’s avoiding for now.
There's a palatable pause, somehow noticeable even though they’ve been sitting in relative silence on and off since before Yifan’s posed this question.
"...Uh, and that's my cue to say break for five," Minseok says smoothly, snapping closed his paint set and immediately striding out the room.
And that seems to be a pretty good cause for alarm. Yifan looks to Kyungsoo and Jongin with wide eyes, dreading the answer here. Jongin looks contemplative. Kyungsoo looks pained.
"I don't know," Jongin says slowly, obviously thinking. "You're both busy, and you’re part-time jock to Junmyeon’s being in a bunch of academic clubs… So it's hard to tell what's you guys hanging out a lot whenever you can because you both have so little free time, and what's you guys hanging out a lot because, seriously, you hang out a lot."
That’s kind of just as helpful as it is condemning. Yifan looks to Kyungsoo, the instigator of this whole thing. "Well? You're the one who said -- "
"I really really didn't mean to start something, please don’t panic," Kyungsoo says desperately, now definitely looking and sounding apologetic. Yifan stares at him and waits for an explanation, thinking, it’s hard not to panic when he’s apparently maybe being one of those omegas.
Kyungsoo can tell, and he reaches over to touch Yifan’s arm reassuringly. "No, seriously -- it was mostly a joke, Yifan. You’re fine. Hang out with your boyfriend and don't worry about it. You really do a bunch of other stuff, like Jongin was saying. Like sports’ team stuff, where the rest of us are more artsy people. We’re all busy, that’s why it’s been hard to catch you lately.”
Now Yifan’s not convinced. He was literally just thinking about doing drama so he and Junmyeon could spend more time together. He’ll have no life of his own if left to his own devices, maybe, at this rate. Oh god. “No, I think you might have a point. When’s the last time I hung out with anyone other than Junmyeon for something not school related? Oh my god.”
Kyungsoo’s grip gets tighter, and his mouth is a grim line, like he can make Yifan believe him through sheer determination. “No, that’s what I’m saying. No one has a lot of actual free time outside of clubs. So it's hard for those of us in art stuff to connect with the sporty minority when there’s only you, and Lu Han doing soccer in the spring and Tao with martial arts -- oh yeah, and Sehun's thinking of maybe trying field hockey next year because of his friend -- what's her name?”
“Daeun," Jongin supplies helpfully, swinging his feet as he spins his chair around slowly. "I think Sehun’s gonna chicken out, though. Field hockey does a lot of training and off season matches. I can’t see him being too into that."
“Really?” Kyungsoo asks, interested and turning to look at Jongin, and Yifan feels kind of forgotten even though Kyungsoo’s still got a grip on his arm. “I mean, he seemed to me like might be into it, though?”
Jongin seems skeptical. “Yeah, Sehun likes dancing, but contact sports that require a lot of commitment doesn’t sound like him to me. I think he’ll have fun for a little while, and then, you know, drop it.”
“Way to call him noncommittal -- ”
“Am I wrong about that, though -- ”
"Guys," Yifan says quietly, and watches as they both spin around to look at him once again, coming back from their obviously distracted bickering. He’s not trying to make this about him, but he wants clarity on this. It feels important that he can see how things really are, and if he’s deceiving himself or not on the matter. "Are...you sure I’m not being..." He lifts the arm Kyungsoo doesn’t have in hand, and makes a general gesture that doesn’t really mean anything, but he hopes conveys something anyway.
Jongin and Kyungsoo both blink at it, maybe confused by the gesture. They get over it relatively quickly though, because what Yifan’s trying to get at isn’t hard to work out, really.
"Ah," Kyungsoo says, clearing his throat. "Right. No. No, I don’t think you are ‘being one of those’ kinds of…” Kyungsoo trails off, eyebrows knitting together as he considers the thought. “...Seriously, no. I’m saying -- I think part of it is just, we're not a sporty crew. So it's hard to find the time outside of school stuff to do anything, and you’ve been prioritizing lately. But if you're happy, you're happy. That’s good."
Okay, Yifan can live with that, maybe, let sleeping dogs lie -- except, he’s unsettled when Jongin, looking unsure, begins to say, "Um..." before a quick look from Kyungsoo makes him end with a quick, "Never mind!"
He doesn’t want to be coddled. He wants to figure this out, if it’s going to be yet another problem of his. He’d rather just know. Yifan frowns at him. "What?”
Jongin shifts uncomfortably, seems to remember that they're now allowed to move, and goes into full awkward squirming mode. "Okay, I don’t think you’re being obsessive or anything. I’m very pro that position. But this conversation does make me wonder, um. If you think it is maybe possible that you and Junmyeon...jumped the gun on some stuff because you are both -- I don't want to say are over-dependent but just. Constantly all on each other."
This...is a very familiar conversation topic, unfortunately, and the fact that it’s coming up yet again has Yifan questioning if things are really as okay as he’d been so sure they were when talking to Tao and Chanyeol about it. Yifan feels the horrified look on his face before he registers making it, and Kyungsoo jumps in immediately.
"Jongin, everyone doesn't want to keep their significant other an arm's length away from them at all times unless stated otherwise," he says gently, maybe a joke and maybe just a reminder. He directs at Yifan, "and Yifan, you can be as up in each faces as you want to be. I’m sorry I said anything, because you're fine. Seriously. Stop gauging yourself based on other people."
But what if he’s off and wrong and just not being as self-reflective as he thinks he is? That’s really a huge possibility, and he’d rather know now instead of later, when he’s really really bad. Yifan runs a hand through his hair, feeling surprisingly frazzled for someone who was relatively calm not so long ago. "But it's hard to know if -- if I'm not gauging right, otherwise?” And second and third opinions are the best way to make sure he’s not being -- weird --
Kyungsoo sighs heavily, and pulls him in for a half hug. Over Kyungsoo’s shoulder, Yifan can see Jongin watching on carefully, like he might need to get in on the hugging.
"Stop being so antsy that I can practically smell it in the air,” Kyungsoo tells him, sighing and kind of laughing, and Yifan has to join in weakly. He doesn’t really know when he starting working himself up so much in the past few minutes, and it’s a little laughable that he’s this anxious over nothing all of a sudden. Laughable and ridiculous. He’ll get it together, one of these days.
Kyungsoo tells him, “Look, no one can tell you if you’re not gauging right. We can only give you advice if you need it. And my advice, Yifan? Is that you're fine -- because nothing can or will be worse than before, when you guys first started dating and you refused to actively be talking to each other."
Yifan laughs a little stronger, before he gives in to the urge to shrug helplessly. "That’s true, but maybe Jongin's still right? About why we jumped the gun."
“It was just -- oh no, now I’m the one who wishes they hadn’t said anything,” Jongin bemoans quietly, going around the long way of the room to hug Yifan’s other, unoccupied side. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it, promise.”
But it’s not the first time someone’s pointed it out, is the problem. He and Junmyeon have talked and they’ve worked it out and it’s not going to be a problem as long as they both stay vigilant about everything, but seriously. Yifan would give anything to not have to feel this heavy guilt sometimes when he thinks about Junmyeon being upset and hurt (and hiding it) because of Yifan, because of Yifan being an idiot. Being an idiot with no self-control.
"But you’re right,” he says miserably, because everything feels like a lot right now, all at once. From what happened to what’s been happening, and everything inbetween. He just wants to play basketball and get good grades and go to a good college and date peaceably without everything else being so difficult and so complicated and such a mess. “It’s hard, and a lot of it’s my fault and -- god, you know, some of this wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn’t so -- or, if I could just be on suppressants already, or -- I don’t know? I’m just so sick of being -- I don’t know. Of messing up.”
He knows it’s not the whole problem or solution, that so much of his lack of control around Junmyeon has been rooted in him being messed up when it comes to heats -- but it’s just one more thing. One more thing that sucks and complicates everything. And yes, they've really been moving past that, they’ve got rules for it now (because of it, now) -- but it becoming a non-issue altogether would just simplify things. Just one less thing. One less thing to worry about would be cool.
Of course, Yifan has no doubt that he's the one to blame for taking advantage of Junmyeon when he did -- he doesn’t want to ‘not worry’ about that incident and its outcome, because he has to. He's not about to blame it on the weird headspace he got into, thinking about not being the one out of control for once, but it’s for certain that it all hadn't helped. There’s not a simple solution or answer here, and he can’t change the past. Yifan can only feel horrible and try to reflect and change the variables he can, and wish for things to have been different. No matter how unproductive that last bit is.
Kyungsoo pulls back a little, his eyebrows ticking upwards as he asks slowly, “What was that? About the suppressants, of all things?”
Yifan...can’t explain it, everything, the reasons he’s saying most of what he’s saying. It’s all a jumbled mess inside his head. “No, it’s -- nothing. It just would have helped. If I was on suppressants. One less thing.”
Jongin buries a little deeper into his side, and he whispers something that sounds like, “Don’t, Yifan.”
Yifan tries to peer down at Jongin, before his gaze shifts back to Kyungsoo who pulls away completely and looks at Yifan like he’s something Kyungsoo can’t quite figure out. Something’s shifted, the atmosphere changing, though Yifan can’t pinpoint what exactly.
"Okay, but what does that have to do with anything?” Kyungsoo’s asking pointedly, frowning now. He might be doing that thing he does, where he forces Yifan to walk logically through something, to rationally dismantle his own freakout and calm down afterwards. “We all already worked out that Junmyeon was the one in heat. And anyway, you know, suppressants are kind of hugely overrated."
Yifan swallows thickly. “I’m just saying. I’m sick of being -- compromised all the time. It’s not an excuse for what happened. I just...wish I'd been on them so maybe it wouldn’t have come to what happened, in the end."
Jongin huffs quietly into Yifan’s shoulder, burrowing deeper and deeper in an offer of comfort. “But everything turned out okay after, didn’t it?”
Yes and no. “I guess.”
Kyungsoo’s hand is on Yifan’s arm again, a gentle comfort. Yifan misses stuff like this, touching and tactile reminders that he’s grounded. Junmyeon offers that a lot, but sometimes it feels like not as much as he maybe used to, not as casual and soft and sweet lately -- and Yifan can only blame himself for that.
“If they're saying you're too young for them, then you're too young for them,” Kyungsoo says gently. “And that’s that. You’ll be okay without them anyway, promise."
“I guess,” Yifan repeats softly, feeling more than a little sorry for -- himself, for Junmyeon, for everything. He hates that it takes so little to get his emotions out of whack sometimes.
"Hey," the three of them look up and over their shoulders, at Minseok in the doorway, a iced coffee from the vending machine in hand.
“So...hey,” Minseok announces again, turning the can in his hands thoughtfully. “Look at it this way. You're alive and breathing and okay, and you and Junmyeon are still hanging in there. There are way worse situations to be in, aren’t there?
Yifan considers this. Junmyeon could have broken up with him. They could have never talked about what happened and made everything worse. Jongdae could have not let Yifan know that Junmyeon was upset and didn’t say anything about it to him.
“Yeah,” he admits after a moment. “Sorry. I’m just. Feeling bad for myself. I’ll stop.”
Minseok shakes his head, and then starts shaking his can, walking back to the easel. “No, we all do it. You have to get it out of your system sometimes. But if you’re done, then please shush up and get back in position, mannequins."
Minseok is very right, like usual. So Yifan swallows the remainder of his self-pity and figures, as he and Jongin untangle from one another and Kyungsoo pulls away again, that the only way he can make up for his mistakes is to be better in the future.
("And Yifan," Minseok says as he sends them out at the end of the hour and a half. "If you’re really worried about being too wrapped up in Junmyeon, then just take a step back. Do some art. Take a photography class, whatever you want. But only if you think you want or need to. It's high school, chill out and enjoy it."
Minseok really always knows the best and most right things to say.)
+++
Yifan isn't too sure about tackling everything that feels like it’s spilling out in the aftermath of what Yifan thought was a good settling point between him and Junmyeon. There's the weird kind of thing he may or may not have when it comes to Junmyeon being bossy. There's the maybe being too clingy thing that Yifan thought he had worked out but apparently, based on the sort of cuddle pile it took to calm him down the other day, he actually hasn’t. There's that Junmyeon doesn't trust him -- but no, Yifan knows that last one’s not true.
Junmyeon trusts him. Trusts him enough. Maybe just doesn’t trust himself around Yifan, and that’s a problem of another kind. But semantics matter here.
At the very least, he wants to work out that last bit, the trust thing. The ‘please let me in when you’re hurting’ thing. Everything else can wait. The rest is possibly a whole lot of Yifan just being too much in his own head again. No matter how hard he tries, that's his default. Yifan even thinks that it’s possible that constantly worrying about trying to get better about being less neurotic just gives him something new to get tangled up in. Everything’s so hard.
Nonetheless, his racing, constant thoughts and horrible guilt about everything aside, he and Junmyeon promised to talk about things bothering them. And he promised himself, he’d use the others as sounding boards, which only counts if he follows through in the end. So he tries. Yifan tries his best, and brings it up to Junmyeon.
It’s interesting to watch how wide Junmyeon's eyes go, when Yifan asks carefully, "Hey, you trust me to take care of you, don't you? Because we always say stuff like that, that I'll take care of you and you'll take care of me, but...sometimes, it doesn't feel like it. Or like you believe I can, for you."
Junmyeon is as wary as he is confused. Maybe he also thought their last settling point was really it for them. Yifan has to trust that they’ll get there one day.
"What are you talking about?" Junmyeon asks, in full caution mode. “Of course I trust you -- of course I believe you when you say you’ll take care of me, too.”
Yifan reaches for Junmyeon’s hand. They’re in the locker bay. There’s maybe fifty plus people bustling around them, hurrying to get to their after school activities, and this is all Yifan cares about right now. If he’s in over his head, he’ll figure it out eventually, but for right now it’s all okay. "But I don’t know if you really let me take care of you. I mean -- you don’t let me see you when you're down if you can help it."
Now Junmyeon seems confused, linking their hands, one and then the other, together in easy second nature. “But I'm usually not ‘down’. And anyway, who broadcasts when they’re sad?"
Yifan huffs, a little annoyed that Junmyeon’s completely missing the point. "Not just sad -- I mean whenever you could use some emotional support. Like…” He maybe shouldn’t mention it, if Junmyeon’s hid it this long, but. “Like, Jongdae let me know that you were a mess before we talked things out. And he was probably mad at me, honestly, because I wasn't there for you. And I was definitely mad at me, for not being able to be there for you."
Now Junmyeon seems confused, and maybe a little embarrassed, judging by the way he’s swinging their hands together in some kind of joint fidget. "I just. You shouldn't be obligated to take care of me whenever, Yifan. I know how to take care of myself."
"But I want to, that was the deal right?” Yifan points out. He’s tempted to roll his eyes, because leave it to Junmyeon to twist this up. “I don't feel obligated -- and anyway, I’m way more torn up over having to hear from someone else that you aren't okay. Weren’t okay. Anything like that."
It’s like something clicks with those words, and now Junmyeon looks apologetic. Yifan kind of wants to kiss his worry lines away, but he waits for Junmyeon to be on that same wavelength.
"Oh. No, I just -- needed a day to cope. It wasn't even you, really.” He looks sheepish, which somehow is really comforting. “It was...everyone finding out, and me realizing how much bigger than me it was, what you were going to have to do to make sure everything was okay. I think I felt guilty about sort of leaving you to take care of everything on your own."
Now it’s Yifan’s turn to be surprised and then sheepish. He never thought about it like that, and he can only nod slowly. "Oh. No, that was -- I was fine. But, um. Listen, you still don't have to pretend that you don't ever get upset, or that you don’t have to cope with stuff. You don't have to be, I don’t know, strong or whatever all the time.”
Junmyeon starts reeling Yifan in, pulling him closer and closer and closer, tilting his head back a little to look up at him. Yifan ducks down ever so slightly, just in case Junmyeon’s ready for that kiss sooner rather than later. He’s frowning slightly right now, so maybe not right this second.
"But I like being dependable,” he’s saying. “I want you to know that I'm -- ”
"I know," Yifan interjects, a little exasperated and a whole lot fond. "I already know plenty well that you're dependable. And I love that, but I'll love you when you need help, too. It's okay to let me know that you're struggling, okay?"
Junmyeon sighs reluctantly and tugs on Yifan in a way that means he wants Yifan to all but collapse onto him, their practiced way of curling up into each other while standing even with the height difference. Yifan gladly obliges him, skipping the kiss for something more intimate, even in the noisy public space of the locker bay.
"I never thought it would be this hard," Junmyeon says thoughtfully, maybe rhetorically. "I never thought dating you would be a whole jigsaw of us failing a whole lot."
"Me neither," Yifan agrees honestly, thinking about the other things that he still has to make concrete enough in his own head before he can even begin to start failing at them in real time with Junmyeon. One day, one thing, at a time. Like Minseok said. "But we're hanging in there, aren't we?"
Junmyeon nestles his face in the crook of Yifan’s neck, as Yifan hides his face in Junmyeon’s hair. Junmyeon is shorter, but still a solid strong presence as he wraps his arms around Yifan's waist. Yifan adores it.
"I guess we’re at least doing that," Junmyeon says gently, happily. And everything else, Yifan thinks, is fine for another day more.
next>>
Yifan is so stuck on getting over the ‘talking to’s he’s already received (and on getting over whatever’s up with him that has him freaking out over Junmyeon exerting the barest hints of a power trip), that he almost forgets about Junmyeon’s warning of Jongdae.
Jongdae, fair enough, doesn’t get aggressive, necessarily. He does say something to Yifan though, which is more than he remembered to be concerned about. Though again, it’s not really something to get concerned about.
“I, like, don't want to have to threaten you with breaking your ankles or anything,” Jongdae says almost...sadly, really, as Jongin snores quietly into his dance theory book as background noise. Jongdae’s eyebrows are creased in worry and discomfort. “And I’m not...distrusting you, per se. But don't fuck him up, or else. I mean it.”
And now, Yifan vividly remembers Jongdae’s earlier directness, how that past conversation had ended with Jongdae begrudgingly admitting that Junmyeon had not been nearly as unaffected as he’d tried to convince Yifan.
It still hurts a little to think that Junmyeon hadn't felt comfortable sharing that side of himself with Yifan. But Yifan also understands withdrawing to lick your wounds. And he had confided in Tao more first as well, partly out of necessity but also because it had been easier to sort things out with a third-party. Tao had been his buffering zone; Jongdae had been Junmyeon’s.
All in all Yifan just can't be mad that Jongdae’s coming on strong this time as well. It’s been a mess, the whole aftermath. "I won't,” Yifan tells him assuredly, watching Jongdae’s eyebrows lessen in their severity just a tad. “Seriously. I already told you I won't let it happen again. I mean that.”
Jongdae sighs and fiddles with his reading glasses. Things are getting busy, exams around the corner, if Jongdae’s wearing those instead of his contacts full time. “I know you do. But I have to check. Though,” Jongdae’s eyebrows re-settle into the neutral part of his face, a hint of a smile there on his mouth. “I will do my part in making him shape up if he ever gets all super stubborn on you. He does make things hard sometimes, and I know you never want to hurt his feelings if you can help it.”
Yifan laughs a little, and now that Jongdae’s fully smiling Yifan takes it to mean that he’s been mostly forgiven. Passed the test for the right response, right answer, to deserve to date Jongdae’s best friend.
“Noted,” Yifan says, still chuckling, and Jongdae beams, nods, turning back to his own notes.
The atmosphere is lighter now, Jongin still snoring away, and everything feels...pretty normal. And. And Yifan ponders over how, yeah, Junmyeon is Jongdae’s best friend. Which…makes him good for advice. Chanyeol and Tao want him to be better at using the others as sounding boards when things with Junmyeon get a little overwhelming. And there’s a few things that have the potential to build and build into something overwhelming again between him and Junmyeon.
He’s got to figure out how to talk to Junmyeon about these things of course -- they promised to be better about that, after all. But he’d like to bounce them off of someone first, just in case. Just to get his thoughts straight.
Of course, one of the things, he doesn’t need to bounce off of anyone yet (or maybe at all): the kind of budding kink he’s apparently nursing when it comes to alignment stereotypes between them. He certainly doesn’t have to ask Jongdae to know about Junmyeon’s thing about alignments. Junmyeon’s always been pretty vocal and forthcoming about how distasteful he finds the whole thing personally as kinks. And anyway, it’d be weird to ask someone else, anyone else, even Jongdae, about how to maybe have a conversation with Junmyeon about it.
So of the things he might benefit from talking about with someone else first, that one's not actually going to happen. Not now and maybe not ever, if he can work it out and get over it quietly. Really, though, there’s another thing. And Jongdae is actually the perfect person to discuss it with.
“Hey, Jongdae? Quick question?” Yifan taps a pen on the edge of the table, and tries to figure out how to word what he wants to ask. He doesn’t want Jongdae to think he’s upset, that Junmyeon didn’t tell Yifan that he didn’t bounce back unscatched from the accidental heat sex thing, because that’s not it.
Jongdae looks up at him, eyes wide in vague interest, head tilting slightly. Yifan treads carefully. “Uh, based on how...the last thing played out and you had to tell me that Junmyeon wasn’t totally okay, do you think…?”
Jongdae’s interest shifts into something more confused and wary. Yifan is really trying here to be coherent and concise with his words. Jongdae only just stopped being kind of upset with him.
“Okay just, do you think that Junmyeon hides when he's...hurting -- or, I guess, anything but in control and put together -- from me?”
Jongdae is also carefully mulling over his word choice, obvious by how long he pauses before replying. “I wouldn't say he broadcasts it to anyone when he feels weak, no.”
That’s too vague and incomplete to be useful. “Jongdae, seriously, please. I’m asking so I can do better.”
Jongdae sighs for a very long time.
“Look. I think…” Jongdae’s words are slow and pensive. Yifan waits patiently, though on edge, to see what he’ll say.
“I think that it's really not my place to say stuff like what you’re looking specifically? But yeah, I’d...agree that he really hates anyone seeing him struggling if he can help it.” Jongdae nods firmly, like ‘that’s all I’ve got to say about it’ and ‘so you better treat him right’ both wrapped up into one judging gaze.
He doesn’t hide it from you, though, Yifan doesn't say. Because that's a low blow, and Yifan has no ground to stand on as is.
+++
Minseok needs models for some still lifes, and Yifan doesn't know what the theme or topic is supposed to be but it's generally understood that if Minseok asks you to do something, you just do it without questions. So Yifan shows up as told, and finds himself in the company of Jongin and Kyungsoo. They all nod dutifully at one another, resigned to their fate, and let Minseok manipulate the three of them in the positions he wants them in.
"I’ll do a live session for an hour and a half,” he explains kindly while taking pictures of them from all kinds of angles. “And then I’ll use the pictures for references, afterwards. You'll be free to go back to living your lives.”
Kyungsoo hums assent, while Jongin is quick to say agreeably, “It's no problem!”
Yifan just shrugs, and he’s starting to see why Minseok picked them; it’s slim pickings for the easily quiet and cooperative, and Yixing has AP math sessions, while Junmyeon is laughably busy, and Sehun has another one of his bimonthly fancy dinners to get ready for and attend. So the three of them make a lot of sense -- even if honestly, Minseok could have gotten anyone to be cooperative if he really wanted to. Yifan understands conserving your energy where you can manage to, though.
The three of them have a relatively comfortable silence while Minseok does the rough outlines, which is when he tells them it’s imperative they don’t move at all. Once he finishes that, though, he lets them know, and says, “Alright, you can talk. Just don't move your heads or anything, please and thank you.”
They’ve all been ruminating lightly on this and that during what is the basic equivalent of forcible meditation, which is why Yifan figures Jongin says, lightly and lazily, like it’s of no consequence, "Oh, hey, right, I heard everyone's like. Supposed to be giving you the talk or something?" Out the corner of his eye, Yifan can see Jongin just barely remember to not tilt his head curiously. “Um. So...do I...need to talk to you about anything too, or...?"
Yifan only flushes a little bit at the thought of getting yet another relationship talk from someone. He’s really good on that front. He hisses out, "No," the same moment Kyungsoo laughs out, "Oh please, Jongin, like you can talk to anyone about sex."
Jongin hums, not even offended. If anything, he sounds relieved. "That’s true. I’m better than you though, Kyungsoo! I mean, callousness and apathy aren’t the best for stuff like that."
Kyungsoo laughs again, obviously not hurt by what’s...honestly the truth. "I think it’s better than being a blushing shrinking violet at the mere mention of genitals."
As if on cue, Jongin instantly blushes. Yifan has to laugh too, as Jongin stumbles to defend himself uselessly. "Wha -- I don’t -- "
"Uh-huh. Just saying," Kyungsoo says lightly, smiling. “And Yifan, don’t worry. I’m not going to give you the talk, either.”
Yifan sighs, only for the lack of being allowed to shrug. "It's less ‘the talk’, and more everyone's telling me to beware of Junmyeon preying on me,” he jokes. “Jongdae evened it out, though. Told me not to break Junmyeon’s heart."
Jongin nods, then flinches immediately, “Ah, sorry!” Minseok sighs, but otherwise lets it pass without a comment, so Jongin clears his throat awkwardly and continues on. “Yeah, I know. I heard Chanyeol giving himself some kind of psych up speech about it under his breath the other day. He usually only does that when they're testing to reassign chair lineups in band."
Yifan blinks, astounded, and turns to look at Jongin in disbelief. "Wait really? I got the same prep as his band reputation?” Jongin beams and nods, and Yifan feels like he might tear up a little. “I'm...so flattered."
"Should you be?” Kyungsoo wonders to the room at large, looking up at the ceiling like he can’t totally believe the conversation.
"You are all moving your heads,” Minseok tells them lightly, though in a clear warning. “Don't make me take away talking privileges.”
Yifan flinches, but takes refuge in the fact that the other two seem startled as well. "Sorry," they all chorus in unison, going back to their fixed positions.
Conversation topics get slightly duller from there, Jongin indulging them on how his dance teacher here at school is pushing for him to try his hand at choreographing and his wariness about that. Kyungsoo talking about the upcoming winter concert for choir, and how half the choir is still ignoring the actual score and instead singing all the famous pieces like the radio adlibbing edits, holding notes too long or not long enough and adding in unnecessary runs everywhere.
“It’s obnoxious,” he admits. “And Baekhyun’s the worst one, because he’s definitely doing it on purpose to be funny. He was the first person to memorize the score when we first got it.”
When it comes to Yifan, he doesn’t have much to share. "I do boring half business, half linguistic translation course loads, mostly," Yifan says when they ask him what's new in his life. "That and basketball. The most exciting thing is that, as you know, you're all in my business of dating Junmyeon."
"And nothing new there," Minseok calls cheerfully from behind his easel. “Unless you’re pregnant, Yifan?”
Yifan breaks the no movement rule to glare at Minseok, and Minseok grins before shooing at him to get back in position.
"If you’re bored, you should try an art,” Jongin suggests excitedly. "You're kind of tall for dancing, but it's really about enjoying it more than it’s about textbook dance perfection. Honestly, I got a little tall for dance too, but you just have to tweak some stuff and try your best."
"I'm not going to pick up dance, Jongin," Yifan tells him kindly. “I’m not really bored, actually. Just...boring.”
Kyungsoo also seems interested in the prospect of Yifan trying something new, though, for some reason. "It's too late in the year for school choir," Kyungsoo informs him. "But there are local places that offer lessons -- or I'm sure Chanyeol would be glad to teach you an instrument, if you want?"
Chanyeol’s actually been sharing offhand music lessons with Yifan for a while -- since middle school, probably. Yifan can half play the drums, the saxophone, and probably the guitar if he were given a second to fiddle around with it -- especially since Henry messed around with the ukelele long enough that Yifan half memorized the basic tabbing. Chanyeol had been contemplating the clarinet before Yifan stood his ground and told Chanyeol to pick an instrument already.
"I think I'm fine?" He tells them hesitantly. “Basketball’s got me busy enough, guys, so why the push for me to get a new hobby?”
“Because it feels like your life revolves around school and Junmyeon lately, and it’s weird," Kyungsoo says without a pause, which has Yifan frowning.
“What’s that supposed to mean -- ”
Jongin cuts in hurriedly. “Ah, don’t mind him being mean, you know how he gets. I just think it’s always good to try new things, is all.”
Yifan chances a peek at Kyungsoo, like ‘really?’, and Kyungsoo looks back at him with an unreadable expression. He doesn’t apologize or explain, but he does say more neutrally, "Some of us barely see you lately, so at least think about something new you might like to do for fun with a friend, maybe."
"Art?" Minseok chimes in hopefully. "It'd be nice to have a person around who doesn't go vacant the second I start talking about complimentary colors or, I don't know. Pointilism."
That makes Yifan stop wondering if he needs to probe Kyungsoo further for an explanation. "Those...are really easy terms, though?"
Minseok laughs humorlessly. "And yet..."
So Yifan shrugs. "Okay, maybe art. I like to doodle."
Then he thinks about Junmyeon's hidden passion for drama. Way back before they were dating, Yifan remembers going to the spring musical, every night it showed, to support Junmyeon being in it. It had looked fun -- and Junmyeon had definitely seemed to enjoy it, even though he had been in the company and not a lead role. Maybe they could both pick it up, Junmyeon again and Yifan for the first time, and try it together for fun.
But then something gives Yifan pause -- Kyungsoo’s words. Maybe that's him making his life revolve around Junmyeon, though? Does he do that?
"Is...do you guys really think my life is centering around Junmyeon?" Yifan asks, worried. "I -- am I becoming one of those people?" One of those omegas, specifically. He’s got enough on his plate when it comes to alignments already, with that maybe-kink thing of his being a ongoing issue that he’s avoiding for now.
There's a palatable pause, somehow noticeable even though they’ve been sitting in relative silence on and off since before Yifan’s posed this question.
"...Uh, and that's my cue to say break for five," Minseok says smoothly, snapping closed his paint set and immediately striding out the room.
And that seems to be a pretty good cause for alarm. Yifan looks to Kyungsoo and Jongin with wide eyes, dreading the answer here. Jongin looks contemplative. Kyungsoo looks pained.
"I don't know," Jongin says slowly, obviously thinking. "You're both busy, and you’re part-time jock to Junmyeon’s being in a bunch of academic clubs… So it's hard to tell what's you guys hanging out a lot whenever you can because you both have so little free time, and what's you guys hanging out a lot because, seriously, you hang out a lot."
That’s kind of just as helpful as it is condemning. Yifan looks to Kyungsoo, the instigator of this whole thing. "Well? You're the one who said -- "
"I really really didn't mean to start something, please don’t panic," Kyungsoo says desperately, now definitely looking and sounding apologetic. Yifan stares at him and waits for an explanation, thinking, it’s hard not to panic when he’s apparently maybe being one of those omegas.
Kyungsoo can tell, and he reaches over to touch Yifan’s arm reassuringly. "No, seriously -- it was mostly a joke, Yifan. You’re fine. Hang out with your boyfriend and don't worry about it. You really do a bunch of other stuff, like Jongin was saying. Like sports’ team stuff, where the rest of us are more artsy people. We’re all busy, that’s why it’s been hard to catch you lately.”
Now Yifan’s not convinced. He was literally just thinking about doing drama so he and Junmyeon could spend more time together. He’ll have no life of his own if left to his own devices, maybe, at this rate. Oh god. “No, I think you might have a point. When’s the last time I hung out with anyone other than Junmyeon for something not school related? Oh my god.”
Kyungsoo’s grip gets tighter, and his mouth is a grim line, like he can make Yifan believe him through sheer determination. “No, that’s what I’m saying. No one has a lot of actual free time outside of clubs. So it's hard for those of us in art stuff to connect with the sporty minority when there’s only you, and Lu Han doing soccer in the spring and Tao with martial arts -- oh yeah, and Sehun's thinking of maybe trying field hockey next year because of his friend -- what's her name?”
“Daeun," Jongin supplies helpfully, swinging his feet as he spins his chair around slowly. "I think Sehun’s gonna chicken out, though. Field hockey does a lot of training and off season matches. I can’t see him being too into that."
“Really?” Kyungsoo asks, interested and turning to look at Jongin, and Yifan feels kind of forgotten even though Kyungsoo’s still got a grip on his arm. “I mean, he seemed to me like might be into it, though?”
Jongin seems skeptical. “Yeah, Sehun likes dancing, but contact sports that require a lot of commitment doesn’t sound like him to me. I think he’ll have fun for a little while, and then, you know, drop it.”
“Way to call him noncommittal -- ”
“Am I wrong about that, though -- ”
"Guys," Yifan says quietly, and watches as they both spin around to look at him once again, coming back from their obviously distracted bickering. He’s not trying to make this about him, but he wants clarity on this. It feels important that he can see how things really are, and if he’s deceiving himself or not on the matter. "Are...you sure I’m not being..." He lifts the arm Kyungsoo doesn’t have in hand, and makes a general gesture that doesn’t really mean anything, but he hopes conveys something anyway.
Jongin and Kyungsoo both blink at it, maybe confused by the gesture. They get over it relatively quickly though, because what Yifan’s trying to get at isn’t hard to work out, really.
"Ah," Kyungsoo says, clearing his throat. "Right. No. No, I don’t think you are ‘being one of those’ kinds of…” Kyungsoo trails off, eyebrows knitting together as he considers the thought. “...Seriously, no. I’m saying -- I think part of it is just, we're not a sporty crew. So it's hard to find the time outside of school stuff to do anything, and you’ve been prioritizing lately. But if you're happy, you're happy. That’s good."
Okay, Yifan can live with that, maybe, let sleeping dogs lie -- except, he’s unsettled when Jongin, looking unsure, begins to say, "Um..." before a quick look from Kyungsoo makes him end with a quick, "Never mind!"
He doesn’t want to be coddled. He wants to figure this out, if it’s going to be yet another problem of his. He’d rather just know. Yifan frowns at him. "What?”
Jongin shifts uncomfortably, seems to remember that they're now allowed to move, and goes into full awkward squirming mode. "Okay, I don’t think you’re being obsessive or anything. I’m very pro that position. But this conversation does make me wonder, um. If you think it is maybe possible that you and Junmyeon...jumped the gun on some stuff because you are both -- I don't want to say are over-dependent but just. Constantly all on each other."
This...is a very familiar conversation topic, unfortunately, and the fact that it’s coming up yet again has Yifan questioning if things are really as okay as he’d been so sure they were when talking to Tao and Chanyeol about it. Yifan feels the horrified look on his face before he registers making it, and Kyungsoo jumps in immediately.
"Jongin, everyone doesn't want to keep their significant other an arm's length away from them at all times unless stated otherwise," he says gently, maybe a joke and maybe just a reminder. He directs at Yifan, "and Yifan, you can be as up in each faces as you want to be. I’m sorry I said anything, because you're fine. Seriously. Stop gauging yourself based on other people."
But what if he’s off and wrong and just not being as self-reflective as he thinks he is? That’s really a huge possibility, and he’d rather know now instead of later, when he’s really really bad. Yifan runs a hand through his hair, feeling surprisingly frazzled for someone who was relatively calm not so long ago. "But it's hard to know if -- if I'm not gauging right, otherwise?” And second and third opinions are the best way to make sure he’s not being -- weird --
Kyungsoo sighs heavily, and pulls him in for a half hug. Over Kyungsoo’s shoulder, Yifan can see Jongin watching on carefully, like he might need to get in on the hugging.
"Stop being so antsy that I can practically smell it in the air,” Kyungsoo tells him, sighing and kind of laughing, and Yifan has to join in weakly. He doesn’t really know when he starting working himself up so much in the past few minutes, and it’s a little laughable that he’s this anxious over nothing all of a sudden. Laughable and ridiculous. He’ll get it together, one of these days.
Kyungsoo tells him, “Look, no one can tell you if you’re not gauging right. We can only give you advice if you need it. And my advice, Yifan? Is that you're fine -- because nothing can or will be worse than before, when you guys first started dating and you refused to actively be talking to each other."
Yifan laughs a little stronger, before he gives in to the urge to shrug helplessly. "That’s true, but maybe Jongin's still right? About why we jumped the gun."
“It was just -- oh no, now I’m the one who wishes they hadn’t said anything,” Jongin bemoans quietly, going around the long way of the room to hug Yifan’s other, unoccupied side. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean anything by it, promise.”
But it’s not the first time someone’s pointed it out, is the problem. He and Junmyeon have talked and they’ve worked it out and it’s not going to be a problem as long as they both stay vigilant about everything, but seriously. Yifan would give anything to not have to feel this heavy guilt sometimes when he thinks about Junmyeon being upset and hurt (and hiding it) because of Yifan, because of Yifan being an idiot. Being an idiot with no self-control.
"But you’re right,” he says miserably, because everything feels like a lot right now, all at once. From what happened to what’s been happening, and everything inbetween. He just wants to play basketball and get good grades and go to a good college and date peaceably without everything else being so difficult and so complicated and such a mess. “It’s hard, and a lot of it’s my fault and -- god, you know, some of this wouldn't be such a problem if I wasn’t so -- or, if I could just be on suppressants already, or -- I don’t know? I’m just so sick of being -- I don’t know. Of messing up.”
He knows it’s not the whole problem or solution, that so much of his lack of control around Junmyeon has been rooted in him being messed up when it comes to heats -- but it’s just one more thing. One more thing that sucks and complicates everything. And yes, they've really been moving past that, they’ve got rules for it now (because of it, now) -- but it becoming a non-issue altogether would just simplify things. Just one less thing. One less thing to worry about would be cool.
Of course, Yifan has no doubt that he's the one to blame for taking advantage of Junmyeon when he did -- he doesn’t want to ‘not worry’ about that incident and its outcome, because he has to. He's not about to blame it on the weird headspace he got into, thinking about not being the one out of control for once, but it’s for certain that it all hadn't helped. There’s not a simple solution or answer here, and he can’t change the past. Yifan can only feel horrible and try to reflect and change the variables he can, and wish for things to have been different. No matter how unproductive that last bit is.
Kyungsoo pulls back a little, his eyebrows ticking upwards as he asks slowly, “What was that? About the suppressants, of all things?”
Yifan...can’t explain it, everything, the reasons he’s saying most of what he’s saying. It’s all a jumbled mess inside his head. “No, it’s -- nothing. It just would have helped. If I was on suppressants. One less thing.”
Jongin buries a little deeper into his side, and he whispers something that sounds like, “Don’t, Yifan.”
Yifan tries to peer down at Jongin, before his gaze shifts back to Kyungsoo who pulls away completely and looks at Yifan like he’s something Kyungsoo can’t quite figure out. Something’s shifted, the atmosphere changing, though Yifan can’t pinpoint what exactly.
"Okay, but what does that have to do with anything?” Kyungsoo’s asking pointedly, frowning now. He might be doing that thing he does, where he forces Yifan to walk logically through something, to rationally dismantle his own freakout and calm down afterwards. “We all already worked out that Junmyeon was the one in heat. And anyway, you know, suppressants are kind of hugely overrated."
Yifan swallows thickly. “I’m just saying. I’m sick of being -- compromised all the time. It’s not an excuse for what happened. I just...wish I'd been on them so maybe it wouldn’t have come to what happened, in the end."
Jongin huffs quietly into Yifan’s shoulder, burrowing deeper and deeper in an offer of comfort. “But everything turned out okay after, didn’t it?”
Yes and no. “I guess.”
Kyungsoo’s hand is on Yifan’s arm again, a gentle comfort. Yifan misses stuff like this, touching and tactile reminders that he’s grounded. Junmyeon offers that a lot, but sometimes it feels like not as much as he maybe used to, not as casual and soft and sweet lately -- and Yifan can only blame himself for that.
“If they're saying you're too young for them, then you're too young for them,” Kyungsoo says gently. “And that’s that. You’ll be okay without them anyway, promise."
“I guess,” Yifan repeats softly, feeling more than a little sorry for -- himself, for Junmyeon, for everything. He hates that it takes so little to get his emotions out of whack sometimes.
"Hey," the three of them look up and over their shoulders, at Minseok in the doorway, a iced coffee from the vending machine in hand.
“So...hey,” Minseok announces again, turning the can in his hands thoughtfully. “Look at it this way. You're alive and breathing and okay, and you and Junmyeon are still hanging in there. There are way worse situations to be in, aren’t there?
Yifan considers this. Junmyeon could have broken up with him. They could have never talked about what happened and made everything worse. Jongdae could have not let Yifan know that Junmyeon was upset and didn’t say anything about it to him.
“Yeah,” he admits after a moment. “Sorry. I’m just. Feeling bad for myself. I’ll stop.”
Minseok shakes his head, and then starts shaking his can, walking back to the easel. “No, we all do it. You have to get it out of your system sometimes. But if you’re done, then please shush up and get back in position, mannequins."
Minseok is very right, like usual. So Yifan swallows the remainder of his self-pity and figures, as he and Jongin untangle from one another and Kyungsoo pulls away again, that the only way he can make up for his mistakes is to be better in the future.
("And Yifan," Minseok says as he sends them out at the end of the hour and a half. "If you’re really worried about being too wrapped up in Junmyeon, then just take a step back. Do some art. Take a photography class, whatever you want. But only if you think you want or need to. It's high school, chill out and enjoy it."
Minseok really always knows the best and most right things to say.)
+++
Yifan isn't too sure about tackling everything that feels like it’s spilling out in the aftermath of what Yifan thought was a good settling point between him and Junmyeon. There's the weird kind of thing he may or may not have when it comes to Junmyeon being bossy. There's the maybe being too clingy thing that Yifan thought he had worked out but apparently, based on the sort of cuddle pile it took to calm him down the other day, he actually hasn’t. There's that Junmyeon doesn't trust him -- but no, Yifan knows that last one’s not true.
Junmyeon trusts him. Trusts him enough. Maybe just doesn’t trust himself around Yifan, and that’s a problem of another kind. But semantics matter here.
At the very least, he wants to work out that last bit, the trust thing. The ‘please let me in when you’re hurting’ thing. Everything else can wait. The rest is possibly a whole lot of Yifan just being too much in his own head again. No matter how hard he tries, that's his default. Yifan even thinks that it’s possible that constantly worrying about trying to get better about being less neurotic just gives him something new to get tangled up in. Everything’s so hard.
Nonetheless, his racing, constant thoughts and horrible guilt about everything aside, he and Junmyeon promised to talk about things bothering them. And he promised himself, he’d use the others as sounding boards, which only counts if he follows through in the end. So he tries. Yifan tries his best, and brings it up to Junmyeon.
It’s interesting to watch how wide Junmyeon's eyes go, when Yifan asks carefully, "Hey, you trust me to take care of you, don't you? Because we always say stuff like that, that I'll take care of you and you'll take care of me, but...sometimes, it doesn't feel like it. Or like you believe I can, for you."
Junmyeon is as wary as he is confused. Maybe he also thought their last settling point was really it for them. Yifan has to trust that they’ll get there one day.
"What are you talking about?" Junmyeon asks, in full caution mode. “Of course I trust you -- of course I believe you when you say you’ll take care of me, too.”
Yifan reaches for Junmyeon’s hand. They’re in the locker bay. There’s maybe fifty plus people bustling around them, hurrying to get to their after school activities, and this is all Yifan cares about right now. If he’s in over his head, he’ll figure it out eventually, but for right now it’s all okay. "But I don’t know if you really let me take care of you. I mean -- you don’t let me see you when you're down if you can help it."
Now Junmyeon seems confused, linking their hands, one and then the other, together in easy second nature. “But I'm usually not ‘down’. And anyway, who broadcasts when they’re sad?"
Yifan huffs, a little annoyed that Junmyeon’s completely missing the point. "Not just sad -- I mean whenever you could use some emotional support. Like…” He maybe shouldn’t mention it, if Junmyeon’s hid it this long, but. “Like, Jongdae let me know that you were a mess before we talked things out. And he was probably mad at me, honestly, because I wasn't there for you. And I was definitely mad at me, for not being able to be there for you."
Now Junmyeon seems confused, and maybe a little embarrassed, judging by the way he’s swinging their hands together in some kind of joint fidget. "I just. You shouldn't be obligated to take care of me whenever, Yifan. I know how to take care of myself."
"But I want to, that was the deal right?” Yifan points out. He’s tempted to roll his eyes, because leave it to Junmyeon to twist this up. “I don't feel obligated -- and anyway, I’m way more torn up over having to hear from someone else that you aren't okay. Weren’t okay. Anything like that."
It’s like something clicks with those words, and now Junmyeon looks apologetic. Yifan kind of wants to kiss his worry lines away, but he waits for Junmyeon to be on that same wavelength.
"Oh. No, I just -- needed a day to cope. It wasn't even you, really.” He looks sheepish, which somehow is really comforting. “It was...everyone finding out, and me realizing how much bigger than me it was, what you were going to have to do to make sure everything was okay. I think I felt guilty about sort of leaving you to take care of everything on your own."
Now it’s Yifan’s turn to be surprised and then sheepish. He never thought about it like that, and he can only nod slowly. "Oh. No, that was -- I was fine. But, um. Listen, you still don't have to pretend that you don't ever get upset, or that you don’t have to cope with stuff. You don't have to be, I don’t know, strong or whatever all the time.”
Junmyeon starts reeling Yifan in, pulling him closer and closer and closer, tilting his head back a little to look up at him. Yifan ducks down ever so slightly, just in case Junmyeon’s ready for that kiss sooner rather than later. He’s frowning slightly right now, so maybe not right this second.
"But I like being dependable,” he’s saying. “I want you to know that I'm -- ”
"I know," Yifan interjects, a little exasperated and a whole lot fond. "I already know plenty well that you're dependable. And I love that, but I'll love you when you need help, too. It's okay to let me know that you're struggling, okay?"
Junmyeon sighs reluctantly and tugs on Yifan in a way that means he wants Yifan to all but collapse onto him, their practiced way of curling up into each other while standing even with the height difference. Yifan gladly obliges him, skipping the kiss for something more intimate, even in the noisy public space of the locker bay.
"I never thought it would be this hard," Junmyeon says thoughtfully, maybe rhetorically. "I never thought dating you would be a whole jigsaw of us failing a whole lot."
"Me neither," Yifan agrees honestly, thinking about the other things that he still has to make concrete enough in his own head before he can even begin to start failing at them in real time with Junmyeon. One day, one thing, at a time. Like Minseok said. "But we're hanging in there, aren't we?"
Junmyeon nestles his face in the crook of Yifan’s neck, as Yifan hides his face in Junmyeon’s hair. Junmyeon is shorter, but still a solid strong presence as he wraps his arms around Yifan's waist. Yifan adores it.
"I guess we’re at least doing that," Junmyeon says gently, happily. And everything else, Yifan thinks, is fine for another day more.
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