I Can't Be This Way [part 2]
I Can't Be This Way
part 2
The weekend went slower than usual, probably because I didn’t hang out with Alex at soccer like I normally did. Instead I let my mum take my 9 year old brother, Isaac, to soccer and I stayed at home.
I didn’t play soccer anymore. Once I moved up to senior team I dropped out. It’s too scary having those tall, strong boys kicking soccer balls at your head.
Most Saturdays mum would drop me and my brother off at the soccer fields then I would find Alex and Isaac would always ask him for a piggy-back. Then we watched my brother play and after I would buy something for Isaac to eat and Alex would go play his game while Isaac and I ate hot chips sitting by the sideline.
As I recalled last Saturday I almost wanted to go over there and watch my brother and best friend play soccer, and probably win again.
I couldn’t though because I told myself that I had to stay away from Alex for a little while.
It wasn’t too hard keeping myself away from Alex on the weekend but as I walked through the school gates I knew it wouldn’t be as simple.
Alex walked up to me out of nowhere, “Hey Audra,” he said. “Where were you on Saturday?”
“Hi Alex.” I said and kept walking.
I thought it would be a good idea to get used to sitting with the girls so I strolled up to them casually and when I reached them I was greeted with uninviting glares.
“Hi guys.” I threw my school bag down on a seat feeling uncomfortable and rather nervous. Tasha and Elle continued talking to each other.
I sat down with them. “What are you doing?” Shelbi asked, smiling at me for once and chewing on a piece of gum like a cow.
“What is it illegal for me to sit with you’s?”
Phoebe opened her mouth to say something but nothing came out so she closed it again.
“Of course it isn’t, silly!” Shelbi joked with me.
“We’re just surprised you don’t want to sit with Alex.” Tasha added folding her arms.
They all fixed their eyes onto mine. “I just thought I should make friends with a couple of girls, you know?” they kept staring. “Guys can get kind of boring, if you know what I mean.” I stumbled over the lie.
“Definitely.” Sarah agreed.
“So could I hang with you girls for a while?” I asked.
“ Yeah, sure.” Shelbi said. The others nodded and smiled.
The bell rang and we all got up and headed to our form class. I got my books for the first two periods as always and followed the girls into room 10. Everyone jumped into seats quickly and I found that there were only two seats left - One next to Alex and one next to Joey. Alex looked at me and half smiled his hands somewhere at his sides, probably in his pockets.
I shifted my eyes away and sat down in the desk next to Joey.
At lunch break Alex came up to me and asked what was going on. The other girls stared at him. Maybe glared at him actually.
“I’m just going to hang out with these girls for a bit.”
He looked at me in confusion, then at the other girls, then back at me. I could see something in his eyes, something I had only seen once and I had hoped to never see again, but it was there. Loneliness. Would I be able to sit with you then?” He didn’t look directly at me.
“Umm.” I looked at the other girls nervously. “It’s kind of just the girls table.”
Alex looked down at his hands. “Okay.” He said without a second glance and left.
I understand that I might have hurt him a bit, but it would only be for a few days, just enough for people to realise that we aren’t a couple. No need to get all pissy at me for wanting a few more friends.
On Wednesday the girls and I went downtown after school, not for anything in particular, just a chance to hang out at the park and stuff. So after school Tasha, Phoebe, Shelbi and I headed down to the park and sat on the green grass and had fun, mainly talking to each other and having a laugh. Not long after we got there I noticed a boy, older than us girls, walking towards us. He had a couple of ear piercings and wore baggy grey jeans. In fact, he wasn’t all that bad looking...
“Hey Kyle!” Tasha greeted him when she turned around and saw him. He sat close to her and after a moment put his arm around her shoulder. “Oh, Audra, this is my boyfriend Kyle.” Kyle gave me a bad boy smile, which Tasha didn’t notice. I smiled nicely back.
Boyfriend!? He’s like 18 years old. Why would Tasha want a boyfriend so much older than herself?
Well, she is a fairly pretty girl... but still!
“Want a cig, Tashie babe?” Kyle said in a sexy voice. I could see why Tasha liked him... No. He’s way too old for me or Tasha for that matter.
“Sure.” She replied. I watched Tasha take a cigarette from Kyle, gently place it between her lips, light it and inhale. She looked awkward, very awkward. Tasha took it out of her mouth and exhaled, nearly coughing, blowing a thin puff of smoke in our faces.
“Want some Phoebes?” Tasha asked.
“Kay,” Phoebe took the little cylinder and did the same as Tasha had done, then held it out to me like it was a normal thing to do.
“Come on, it won’t kill you.” Phoebe said.
I shook my head slightly.
“We’re just having some fun!” Shelbi added.
I looked around at the group and at Kyle. Well, if Kyle does this all the time and still looks that good, it can’t be too bad. He smiled at me again.
I reluctantly took the white, smoking tube out of Phoebe’s fingers and did what they had done before. The moment I inhaled I choked up and started coughing. I gave the horrid thing to Shelbi who looked at me (still coughing a little,) and shrugged then took a breath of it.
“Happens to everyone first time.” Shelbi said.
First time?! I won’t be trying that again anytime soon!
Kyle stayed for another 20 minutes or so then he left, claiming he had organised something with his mates.
Tasha and the other girls started talking about Kyle. The more I heard, the more I believed that it wasn’t a good idea for Tasha to be dating him, no matter how sexy his voice was, or how good looking he is.
When I was walking home the thought that someone might have seen us in the park crossed my mind. What if someone told our parents that we were smoking? Hmmm. Mum would probably greet me with, “What were you and your friends doing in the park earlier?”
I had to think of a bullshit answer to that question, just in case she did ask. “Oh we were just hanging around eating take-out chips and stuff.” Fair enough answer. Yeah, that was good. Anyone could mistake chips for cigarettes. Like it mattered anyway, I wasn’t even the one doing it.
The rest of the week was hard. I found myself missing Alex more with every passing day. The girls always pushed for me to do things like them, like start wearing nail polish and straighten my hair each morning. Of course I still wanted to be friends with them; they were just hard to understand sometimes.
And I hate to say it, but I was getting worried about Alex.
I had hardly seen him smile in the past week and a half. Every day I saw him sitting in the corner of my eye, really lonely. And he always had a funny look about him, like he was constantly uncomfortable or something.
It was Tuesday morning and the weather was suddenly horrible. “Oh-“ I said when I ran outside to get the mail. There was two letters addressed to me: one saying I had an overdue book from the town library and another from school.
I was worried about the one from school, but it turned out to be something for my parents (regarding school fees or something).
The morning was rather uneventful, beginning with a full school assembly. Alex was at school, as usual, keeping his thoughts to himself
... I don’t think Alex had been taken out of a class before that Tuesday. (Apart from that time in year 7 when he was caught trying to rip his spelling book into tiny little pieces.)
We were in SOSE class taking notes from the white board like we did a lot. A few of the girls were texting under the desks and the boys were throwing paper at each other between writing lines. Except for Alex, who was at the back corner of the classroom, his head down writing slowly. The sound of everyone’s pens scratching in note books and the pen on the whiteboard was quite peaceful.
Without warning Alex started sobbing in the corner. His breaths were shallow and scratchy. People began looking at him and some then looked at me almost expecting me to do something. I tried to keep writing as though I didn’t know what was wrong. My writing got messier with the passing seconds.
After a long minute the crying got louder, more painful. He was shaking from head to toe, somewhat out of control.
Tear drops on his desk, I couldn’t see his face beneath his dark hair. I looked at him for a few moments, and I could feel a small pain in my chest. If I had considered it a moment longer I would have realised that it was my heart hurting.
Mrs Adams turned around. “What’s the matter down there?”
The whole class was silent for once in their lives but Alex couldn’t stop sobbing.
Mrs Adams strode down to the back corner of the room where Alex was seated. She crouched down beside him and whispered something to him. Alex nodded after a few seconds.
They stood up and headed to the door, his head down. As Alex passed me I looked up at him and our eyes locked. Wide and teary piercing green eyes.
He kept walking, Mrs, Adams hand on his shoulder.
“I’ll be just outside, so keep copying these notes.” She took Alex outside.
I could just see Alex’s hair through a closed window. Everyone held their breath.
Alex had settled down quite a bit now and seemed to be explaining something to Mrs Adams but no one could hear proper words anyway.
Alex walked off in the direction of the office.
The door creaked “Finished yet?” Mrs Adams said as she stepped back into the room. The class resumed copying notes.
A few guys shot me a sideways glance or two. “What’s up with Alex?” Josh whispered.
“I’ve got no idea.” I shrugged back, hoping he would be satisfied with the answer.
[read part 3 here]