(no subject)
im quiet. im not sure if I look right. quite right. white. like this page. and my eyes hurt. my inner monologue ceased to exist four hours ago. i was sitting there and a guy with a wooden machete comes up to us and starts talking and im thinking "what the fuck is this guy doing here" and i whisper to my best friend "i want to fucking leave" because i start to feel a little anxious. exhausted. nauseous. panic attack, i can feel you hurting me and my stomach. i scratch my face. i keep scratching till it hurts. repetitive motions feel good. repetitive motions feel good. repetitive motions feel good. whenever this goes on... all of my senses cease to function. except touch. so eating that handful of jellybeans the other day was a strange experience. chewing nothing but gritty stickiness. a girl opens her bedroom door and says something to which i processed as "wah WAH WAH" like charlie brown's teacher. i turn back to my best friend who, thankfully, now wants to go. i later find out the "wahs" really were "next time you want to smoke some pot do it outside" and i vaguely remember it being yellow in her room- like incandescent. like she needed to color balance her room. and i vaguely remember her yelling at us. but i believe i was staring at her yellow room. and her yellow lights. and thinking, it's unflattering. especially since she's wearing red short shorts. she shouldnt be wearing those. really, shes not that attractive. anyway. i think... it makes her look orange- the yellow, and the red. even the white is yellow. the white is supposed to be white. white like this page. we left shortly after, feeling humiliated and scolded like children. i forgot what i was talking about. she's not important except it reminds me of that one time i had a bad trip at a friends house. and this girl, who is normally perfectly nice and perfectly descent. fair looking, on the plain side- she runs in and she had a lot of makeup on- usually she wears none. and when she runs in...shes looking for her purse and in my head she was clucking like a chicken and all her red hair was sprayed around, moving slowly like a storm weathered hen. and from then on, when i look at her- that is all i see- an angry chicken... frantic... it's always fun to change things in your head, what they are to you vs. what they really are. the distinction is really... void to me. this is how i remember things- i take visual cues. assign them to things... there, done. something. i forgot what i was talking about. i close my eyes and i feel like im riding a long boat, but the warmth and comfort tell me it's all just in my head. im less than tense and i start thinking about how beautifully wonderful sitting here in bed is. i close my eyes and it's black with spots of purple and green. i wonder why you tend to see purple and green..or pink and green when you close your eyes after looking into something white. during the day it seems orange, red and yellow...warmer colors outside. i go to wikipedia, the source of my life. the extended server to my brain. i cant come up with what to type in the search engine. i give up. Dig is on and honestly this is all ive really wanted for so long. it would be better shared with someone. i always want to share my good experiences with someone. a friend, a lover. my life behind the scenes seems to revolve around an invisible lover and i dont know why. it's a gentle addiction i like to feed, this feeling, this frantic small frenzy of uncomfortable delusion, goal driven heat seeking missile, trying to find that thing everyone calls love. i call it my next hit. try to get a piece of it, make it work. make it play. it's just one good experience extended infinite through life and death. i dont believe in god or heaven or fate or soulmates, but ill believe in love. more tangible and painful than anything religion has ever taught me. and we all know... pessimists seem to love pain. it's all so masochistic. youre loving when you get screwed. you dont want to be right, but you believe you are... and when youre right, it sucks...but the consolation is- youre right. and if youre not right- then youre "pleasantly surprised," as a friend puts it.
i need to go to bed. bed is clean, warm and white. white like this page. like the canvas in my head. like the blanks in my dreams.
i need to go to bed. bed is clean, warm and white. white like this page. like the canvas in my head. like the blanks in my dreams.