(no subject)
2015: 5 weeks
school: 4 weeks
life: can i not
i learn the subtle difference between whoring for attention and being entirely oblivious to social protocol. yet i am ceaselessly astounded by people who lack awareness in both spheres. and then there’s my propensity in attracting trouble. am i a nitpicker? probably, god knows.
a lot has happened since i last visited this space, boy have things changed. and im so glad that despite all that tumbling into the rabbit hole i can always depend on this space to remain the same: untouched, constant. im just about ready to be done with this semester. theres something peculiar about this sem, cant tell what, also not sure if i want to know, really. been spending an awful lot of time alone as well: once again, not sure why, unsure if i want to know (i think i already do: something about growing out of vast social circles. cue rude shock accompanying revelation that im no longer a socialite!!!!! ok) i recall a similar conversation with sha, particularly the rueful possibility that i now busk in the comfort of private time ‘at the expense of pushing people away’. there is an acute awareness that sinks in about realising the ones who will go through hell for you and still want to be with you. the batshit cray ones. and then there are those whom you want for them to stay but they dont. they leave. or disappear. i think we have all dealt with that, the process that starts with anger > denial > self blame oh what did i do wrong maybe i shouldnt have said he had a fivehead > which spirals into bouts of ugly crying wistful impulses to text i miss you dumbass then deliriously, spitefully attempt to erase any evidence of the existence of what almost had been (then failing bc icloud). frankly i used to laugh at people who ruminate about how they miss how close they were to someone and now they ‘just don’t talk WHY’ and bc karma is a bigger bitch than me im now in that collective. but before depression pushes me off the emotional cliff might i remind myself that people leave for reasons - reasons that most probably suck to know but we all do anyway - they dont want to stay (im still figuring out my way through that). and thats okay. im not going to even begin to encapsulate this mess of a text into a cheesy metaphor about the universe or doors opening and closing etc bc tumblr is so 2010, and reducing it to analogies will not make it any better nor will the pain away. change, welcome or otherwise, is inadvertent. and like brain plasticity, we all learn to adapt. such is life.
edit: rereading this four hours later and overwhelmed with familiarity. i miss writing, at least casually, without the brutality of academic constraint. i feel like a hypocrite in my papers. they talk about genres not being absolute, but nothing ever is. to be absolute is to be subject to definition, a superlative, a different kind of scrutiny. ok im slipping into pensive mood again bye
school: 4 weeks
life: can i not
i learn the subtle difference between whoring for attention and being entirely oblivious to social protocol. yet i am ceaselessly astounded by people who lack awareness in both spheres. and then there’s my propensity in attracting trouble. am i a nitpicker? probably, god knows.
a lot has happened since i last visited this space, boy have things changed. and im so glad that despite all that tumbling into the rabbit hole i can always depend on this space to remain the same: untouched, constant. im just about ready to be done with this semester. theres something peculiar about this sem, cant tell what, also not sure if i want to know, really. been spending an awful lot of time alone as well: once again, not sure why, unsure if i want to know (i think i already do: something about growing out of vast social circles. cue rude shock accompanying revelation that im no longer a socialite!!!!! ok) i recall a similar conversation with sha, particularly the rueful possibility that i now busk in the comfort of private time ‘at the expense of pushing people away’. there is an acute awareness that sinks in about realising the ones who will go through hell for you and still want to be with you. the batshit cray ones. and then there are those whom you want for them to stay but they dont. they leave. or disappear. i think we have all dealt with that, the process that starts with anger > denial > self blame oh what did i do wrong maybe i shouldnt have said he had a fivehead > which spirals into bouts of ugly crying wistful impulses to text i miss you dumbass then deliriously, spitefully attempt to erase any evidence of the existence of what almost had been (then failing bc icloud). frankly i used to laugh at people who ruminate about how they miss how close they were to someone and now they ‘just don’t talk WHY’ and bc karma is a bigger bitch than me im now in that collective. but before depression pushes me off the emotional cliff might i remind myself that people leave for reasons - reasons that most probably suck to know but we all do anyway - they dont want to stay (im still figuring out my way through that). and thats okay. im not going to even begin to encapsulate this mess of a text into a cheesy metaphor about the universe or doors opening and closing etc bc tumblr is so 2010, and reducing it to analogies will not make it any better nor will the pain away. change, welcome or otherwise, is inadvertent. and like brain plasticity, we all learn to adapt. such is life.
edit: rereading this four hours later and overwhelmed with familiarity. i miss writing, at least casually, without the brutality of academic constraint. i feel like a hypocrite in my papers. they talk about genres not being absolute, but nothing ever is. to be absolute is to be subject to definition, a superlative, a different kind of scrutiny. ok im slipping into pensive mood again bye