So sick and tired.....
I haven't been on here in a while, but this seems to be the only place for me to vent at the moment.....
Scared as hell, that is how I feel right now. Life is not going well right now and I really don't know what to do. So many what ifs are going through my head. This next week is going to be so hard for so many reasons.
I love my family so much, but I can't stand to be here anymore. My parents do so much for me and I know that they are always there and they love me so very much but what bothers me the most is the way this family goes about handling things. People get stressed out and instead of talking about anything they yell. Thats all anyone does around here is yell and I am not like that I hate yelling. I hate having to listen to it and I hate doing it. I know that everyone does it and I know that I am no where near perfect and I do it too, but not as much as this family does on a daily basis.
Mom gets mad at Dad, Dad gets mad at Mom and then they bitch about each other behind there backs until one of them over heres the other and a fight starts. They yell at each other and eventually it turns on me. For a few days its the same pattern and then it seems like everything is ok, but I know its just a little break from it all.
Everyday is the same thing over and over again and it gets so old so fast. I stay home and clean up around the house, watch TV or read but thats it. I don't go anywhere, I can't get anywhere. The total amount of times that I have gone out over the past month can be counted on one hand. Not going out or do anything leads back to the arguing and yelling. Mom and Dad get aggravated with me and yell about how unproductive I am and it makes me feel so useless. I know that what they say is in the moment of frustration with more then just me but they don't realize that what they say still stings and I swear each time I hear it, it hurts even more.
All of this not being able to go out on my own and do things on my own leads back to this stupid disease, as always. The past year has been the worst when it comes to the diabetes. It has made everything so hard and so stressful. I still can't drive and everyday I feel more and more like a burden on people. Once in a great while when people actually ask me if I want to do anything I have to ask if someone can pick me up and /or bring me home. It kills me to have to do that. I want to get a job so badly but I can't get to a job. My mother already has to worry about getting my father to and from work and I don't want to add to that. It will just cause more stress and more screaming and yelling. I can barely take it as it is now.
Being home has been killing me so much because I can't escape this stress and I don't have anyone here to turn to. Everyone lives near school. I have felt so alone this whole vacation. I have had days where I have been so angry about everything and anything and I just want to be left alone, but there are also days where I need to talk to someone so badly and I don't really have anyone I can go to when ever I want. So I keep everything to myself and I break down. But no one really knows because I put on a smile and tell everyone that everything is ok. I have days where I hate being at home so much that it hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. The number of times that I have actually been happy this break and not faking a smile is smaller then the number of times I have actually gone out, but it never lasts for long. This emotional roller coaster is killing me. I am up all night and tired all day. As much as I don't do anything I feel so drained all the time.
I don't know what else to do. Typing this has made me feel a little better, but I know it won't last for long.
I'm tired, lonely, and lost as to what to do. I'm hoping that things will get better soon. My birthday is coming up but I'm not even looking forward to that.....Who knows really?
Scared as hell, that is how I feel right now. Life is not going well right now and I really don't know what to do. So many what ifs are going through my head. This next week is going to be so hard for so many reasons.
I love my family so much, but I can't stand to be here anymore. My parents do so much for me and I know that they are always there and they love me so very much but what bothers me the most is the way this family goes about handling things. People get stressed out and instead of talking about anything they yell. Thats all anyone does around here is yell and I am not like that I hate yelling. I hate having to listen to it and I hate doing it. I know that everyone does it and I know that I am no where near perfect and I do it too, but not as much as this family does on a daily basis.
Mom gets mad at Dad, Dad gets mad at Mom and then they bitch about each other behind there backs until one of them over heres the other and a fight starts. They yell at each other and eventually it turns on me. For a few days its the same pattern and then it seems like everything is ok, but I know its just a little break from it all.
Everyday is the same thing over and over again and it gets so old so fast. I stay home and clean up around the house, watch TV or read but thats it. I don't go anywhere, I can't get anywhere. The total amount of times that I have gone out over the past month can be counted on one hand. Not going out or do anything leads back to the arguing and yelling. Mom and Dad get aggravated with me and yell about how unproductive I am and it makes me feel so useless. I know that what they say is in the moment of frustration with more then just me but they don't realize that what they say still stings and I swear each time I hear it, it hurts even more.
All of this not being able to go out on my own and do things on my own leads back to this stupid disease, as always. The past year has been the worst when it comes to the diabetes. It has made everything so hard and so stressful. I still can't drive and everyday I feel more and more like a burden on people. Once in a great while when people actually ask me if I want to do anything I have to ask if someone can pick me up and /or bring me home. It kills me to have to do that. I want to get a job so badly but I can't get to a job. My mother already has to worry about getting my father to and from work and I don't want to add to that. It will just cause more stress and more screaming and yelling. I can barely take it as it is now.
Being home has been killing me so much because I can't escape this stress and I don't have anyone here to turn to. Everyone lives near school. I have felt so alone this whole vacation. I have had days where I have been so angry about everything and anything and I just want to be left alone, but there are also days where I need to talk to someone so badly and I don't really have anyone I can go to when ever I want. So I keep everything to myself and I break down. But no one really knows because I put on a smile and tell everyone that everything is ok. I have days where I hate being at home so much that it hurts and there is nothing I can do about it. The number of times that I have actually been happy this break and not faking a smile is smaller then the number of times I have actually gone out, but it never lasts for long. This emotional roller coaster is killing me. I am up all night and tired all day. As much as I don't do anything I feel so drained all the time.
I don't know what else to do. Typing this has made me feel a little better, but I know it won't last for long.
I'm tired, lonely, and lost as to what to do. I'm hoping that things will get better soon. My birthday is coming up but I'm not even looking forward to that.....Who knows really?