Stare Down the Dark (Narnia fic)
Title: Stare Down the Dark
Fandom: First school term after LWW.
Rating: G
Character(s): Edmund and Peter.
Disclaimer: Clive Staples Lewis' world, not mine.
Notes: Present tense, my first try at it. I think it turned out well? Eh.
Peter and Edmund hold an unspoken agreement from when the nightmares started, one that keeps them sane. They reassure each other in the dark and when morning comes pretend it never happened, not even on the worst nights when Edmund wakes screaming from sleep three or four times, his sheets soaked in sweat, or Peter wakes yelling the name of a long-dead Narnian warrior, or the battle cry from a battle over and done 10 years ago (or three months, depending on which of the circles of time you depend on).
But the start of term is here and Peter’s three forms ahead of him in another dorm entirely and when Edmund wakes, his throat hoarser from screaming, his eyes seeing remembered death in the dark, there is no Peter there to make him remember the light, only his new roommate James staring at him in bemusement. Edmund’s heartbeat accelerates in panic until he remembers where he is and the where’s Peter where’s Peter where’s Peter in his heart dies unvoiced.
“Bad dream?” James says, and Edmunds nods, sinking into the darkness again. He lies there in the dark for hours, until light grows in the room and he can breathe again without feeling ice piercing his chest.
When he and Peter meet to trade news of their days, neither of them mentions their nights, though Edmund can see the purple-black that underlines Peter’s eyes like battle scars, and he’s sure his own are no better.
That night when he wakes up, he says “I can’t watch you die again” before he remembers where he is, before he even remembers what his dream was about. James is staring, and Edmund feels sick to his stomach with the lack of Peter, with the worry that invariably grips him nowadays. And he feels his heart speed up as if he’s in battle again and he can’t see Peter, oh Aslan no he can’t die, not again, not Peter, because they aren’t in Narnia anymore and there’s no Lucy’s cordial to knit the flesh back together and blur time (but time’s already blurred too far for comfort).
And this time he can’t slow it down because he can’t stand by while Peter dies again, and he’s been gripped by the unreasoning fear that Peter’s dying (poisoned, arrow to the throat, not ever waking up, assassins in the dark) and it won’t leave. He stares down the darkness for what feels like eternity, and when he sees Peter the next morning he breaks all the unspoken rules they set for each other months ago.
“Peter,” he says as he bars Peter’s way through the yard, and Peter looks surprised and then worried (Edmund knows he looks like he dragged himself out of hell, but it doesn’t matter, not now, because Peter’s alive).
“Ed, are you all right?” Peter says, drawing him aside to the cover of some bushes.
“I can’t do it anymore, Peter,” Edmund says, and even he can hear the rawness of his voice, the way it rasps because his throat is broken from screaming Peter’s name in the dark. “I can’t watch you die again, I can’t do it. And when I wake up you aren’t there and I can’t do it, Peter, I haven’t the strength anymore.” Peter wraps his arms around Edmund and holds him tight.
“I’m never going to leave you, Ed,” he says, his voice muffled by Edmund’s hair, and Edmund can feel himself relaxing because there’s light in the world after all. “Never.” Peter’s voice rasps too, and Edmund closes his eyes and floats in the peace.
-------------
When he wakes up that night, he closes his eyes and hears Peter’s voice again, and remembers that he will never leave him, never.
Fandom: First school term after LWW.
Rating: G
Character(s): Edmund and Peter.
Disclaimer: Clive Staples Lewis' world, not mine.
Notes: Present tense, my first try at it. I think it turned out well? Eh.
Peter and Edmund hold an unspoken agreement from when the nightmares started, one that keeps them sane. They reassure each other in the dark and when morning comes pretend it never happened, not even on the worst nights when Edmund wakes screaming from sleep three or four times, his sheets soaked in sweat, or Peter wakes yelling the name of a long-dead Narnian warrior, or the battle cry from a battle over and done 10 years ago (or three months, depending on which of the circles of time you depend on).
But the start of term is here and Peter’s three forms ahead of him in another dorm entirely and when Edmund wakes, his throat hoarser from screaming, his eyes seeing remembered death in the dark, there is no Peter there to make him remember the light, only his new roommate James staring at him in bemusement. Edmund’s heartbeat accelerates in panic until he remembers where he is and the where’s Peter where’s Peter where’s Peter in his heart dies unvoiced.
“Bad dream?” James says, and Edmunds nods, sinking into the darkness again. He lies there in the dark for hours, until light grows in the room and he can breathe again without feeling ice piercing his chest.
When he and Peter meet to trade news of their days, neither of them mentions their nights, though Edmund can see the purple-black that underlines Peter’s eyes like battle scars, and he’s sure his own are no better.
That night when he wakes up, he says “I can’t watch you die again” before he remembers where he is, before he even remembers what his dream was about. James is staring, and Edmund feels sick to his stomach with the lack of Peter, with the worry that invariably grips him nowadays. And he feels his heart speed up as if he’s in battle again and he can’t see Peter, oh Aslan no he can’t die, not again, not Peter, because they aren’t in Narnia anymore and there’s no Lucy’s cordial to knit the flesh back together and blur time (but time’s already blurred too far for comfort).
And this time he can’t slow it down because he can’t stand by while Peter dies again, and he’s been gripped by the unreasoning fear that Peter’s dying (poisoned, arrow to the throat, not ever waking up, assassins in the dark) and it won’t leave. He stares down the darkness for what feels like eternity, and when he sees Peter the next morning he breaks all the unspoken rules they set for each other months ago.
“Peter,” he says as he bars Peter’s way through the yard, and Peter looks surprised and then worried (Edmund knows he looks like he dragged himself out of hell, but it doesn’t matter, not now, because Peter’s alive).
“Ed, are you all right?” Peter says, drawing him aside to the cover of some bushes.
“I can’t do it anymore, Peter,” Edmund says, and even he can hear the rawness of his voice, the way it rasps because his throat is broken from screaming Peter’s name in the dark. “I can’t watch you die again, I can’t do it. And when I wake up you aren’t there and I can’t do it, Peter, I haven’t the strength anymore.” Peter wraps his arms around Edmund and holds him tight.
“I’m never going to leave you, Ed,” he says, his voice muffled by Edmund’s hair, and Edmund can feel himself relaxing because there’s light in the world after all. “Never.” Peter’s voice rasps too, and Edmund closes his eyes and floats in the peace.
-------------
When he wakes up that night, he closes his eyes and hears Peter’s voice again, and remembers that he will never leave him, never.