surprisingly ok
I'm surprisingly ok with not speaking to Tom. I think maybe because this time I made the decision not to talk to him and not the other way around. I thought it would bother me more than it is. Instead I just feel relieved. I wish him well and I hope he finds whatever it is he's looking for, but I can't help him anymore so I'll just bow out and take my cue to leave the spotlight.
In other news: I'm learning to trust much more than I thought I was capable of. I'm testing myself with this whole long distance thing. I'm not asking the questions I want to ask, I'm being much more honest than I think I normally am. And he's handling everything incredibly well. He's handling me better than I handle me most of the time. He's teaching me things without me even realizing I'm being taught until the lesson is over. Its challenging and makes me feel incredibly alive. An excerpt:
So this is what scares the shit outta me:
we're interracial, we have a language barrier(well I do with your parents), I'm
scared your parents won't like me, I don't know anything about your childhood, I
don't know where you live, you have never been in a serious relationship and I'm
afraid you won't wanna be in one with me or afraid you won't like it and in turn
won't like me, I'm scared that your so far away and that you'll find some
gorgeous Spanish girl, or worse some gorgeous Marist girl and not want me when
you get home, I'm afraid I won't live up to what you think I am, I'm afraid of
how to tell my parents about you- "hey parents i've been kinda talking to this
guy who was in spain all semester, can i go to his house for the weekend?",I'm
afraid of how vulnerable you make me feel,I'm afraid that you don't really wanna
be in a relationship, that neither of us is really ready for it and we'll
somehow ruin it by pushing for a relationship, I'm afraid of if TKE ppl will
like me and if they don't that you'll choose them over me, I'm afraid that I'm
too attached, I'm afraid that I have no control over this, I'm afraid I'll nag one too many times and you'll never talk to me again, I'm afraid of how much none of this really scares me.
This is why I'm not scared:
I know you like me (maybe even as much as I like you), I know we'll get past the
language barrier, I know my parents will love you, my sisters already like you
and think you're a better fit for me than Tom was, I know that as much as I'm
scared and you're scared we both want this to work, you make me feel vulnerable
and scared and normal and alive, you take incredibly good care of me even though
you don't need to, you have such a compassionate heart, I know that you're gonna
work as hard as I am to make this work no matter how scary it is, you make me
fight for you and I love that, you don't put up with my bullshit and you don't
always let me win, you know all my dirty secrets (ones I kept from Tom, and lots
of other people I'm close to) and all my weird quirky things and for some reason
you're still interested, you don't talk everything out you show it, you are so
easy to talk to about everything- most guys wouldn't deal with listening to all
my stupid stories about my ex of 3years and not only do you still listen to em,
you listened right at the beginning when they were even more frequent and more
emotional and you listened and gave advice and were genuinely concerned, I can't
even pinpoint exactly why I'm willing to deal with all this scariness and the
distance and everything, but I am, I'm actually excited to see where this goes-
I'm actually not scared at all.
In other news: I'm learning to trust much more than I thought I was capable of. I'm testing myself with this whole long distance thing. I'm not asking the questions I want to ask, I'm being much more honest than I think I normally am. And he's handling everything incredibly well. He's handling me better than I handle me most of the time. He's teaching me things without me even realizing I'm being taught until the lesson is over. Its challenging and makes me feel incredibly alive. An excerpt:
So this is what scares the shit outta me:
we're interracial, we have a language barrier(well I do with your parents), I'm
scared your parents won't like me, I don't know anything about your childhood, I
don't know where you live, you have never been in a serious relationship and I'm
afraid you won't wanna be in one with me or afraid you won't like it and in turn
won't like me, I'm scared that your so far away and that you'll find some
gorgeous Spanish girl, or worse some gorgeous Marist girl and not want me when
you get home, I'm afraid I won't live up to what you think I am, I'm afraid of
how to tell my parents about you- "hey parents i've been kinda talking to this
guy who was in spain all semester, can i go to his house for the weekend?",I'm
afraid of how vulnerable you make me feel,I'm afraid that you don't really wanna
be in a relationship, that neither of us is really ready for it and we'll
somehow ruin it by pushing for a relationship, I'm afraid of if TKE ppl will
like me and if they don't that you'll choose them over me, I'm afraid that I'm
too attached, I'm afraid that I have no control over this, I'm afraid I'll nag one too many times and you'll never talk to me again, I'm afraid of how much none of this really scares me.
This is why I'm not scared:
I know you like me (maybe even as much as I like you), I know we'll get past the
language barrier, I know my parents will love you, my sisters already like you
and think you're a better fit for me than Tom was, I know that as much as I'm
scared and you're scared we both want this to work, you make me feel vulnerable
and scared and normal and alive, you take incredibly good care of me even though
you don't need to, you have such a compassionate heart, I know that you're gonna
work as hard as I am to make this work no matter how scary it is, you make me
fight for you and I love that, you don't put up with my bullshit and you don't
always let me win, you know all my dirty secrets (ones I kept from Tom, and lots
of other people I'm close to) and all my weird quirky things and for some reason
you're still interested, you don't talk everything out you show it, you are so
easy to talk to about everything- most guys wouldn't deal with listening to all
my stupid stories about my ex of 3years and not only do you still listen to em,
you listened right at the beginning when they were even more frequent and more
emotional and you listened and gave advice and were genuinely concerned, I can't
even pinpoint exactly why I'm willing to deal with all this scariness and the
distance and everything, but I am, I'm actually excited to see where this goes-
I'm actually not scared at all.