who am i?

[be_honest]

What exactly is the past? In the dictionary it is defined as "having existed or occurred in an earlier time". If one can't remember their past, does that mean they don't exist? Excuse this entry if you find it rambling, I get on these streaks of thinking about this. Upon first meeting people I ask about their past, favorite childhood memory, favorite thing to do, etc. and im sure they either think it's weird or just plain creepy. I'm in this rut of just thinking about my life. I'm happy, I think, but how can i compare this junction of my life to anything when I can hardly remember it. Just like the first time you fall and skin your knee, how do you know that is pain that you are feeling? At that point your mind doesnt hold the capacity to understand all emotions and what they mean. It was before class today that I started to think about this. I was walking and i had 4 or 5 people say hello to me and ask me how I was doing. In my mind I was thinking "who the hell is this person?" Have I hung out with them before? Do they remember me from middle school? Are they just being friendly and starting a conversation? I was sitting in class today just trying to think, and i couldn't think of anything. I couldnt remember what I had for dinner last night, I don't remember even sitting in a restaurant. I can't even remember who I have told about my memory, so I'm sure to many reading this(even though maybe 3 people even read my journal), its just jiberish that sounds like a poorly written psychology paper. I envy those who can remember playing in the creek when they were younger, or that first good friend that they ever met. I'd don't have memory lapses like you see in the movies, where someone gets this sudden euphoric feeling by being able to remember their mother playing with them. My memories of my past are like an unfinished comic. Still pictures, blurred faces, and those little balloons that have dialogue in them. But im not even sure if the dialogue stays the same. Maybe an I love you really was a "dont talk to me anymore". My forget things easier and easier with stress. It is human nature to compensate for a lack of something. Just as the stereotype is that older men buy nice cars to compensate for a less than adequate sex drive. I think the reason i get so stressed is through over compensation of the past. I try hard, very hard to build a present that maybe will stand out in my mind as a point for me to start from. My condition is starting to get better and over time ill be able to hold on to memories like before. However reconstructing my past is something that wont come of this. But do i really want to know my past? Maybe it was horrible, maybe i was raised in a dumpster. I cant forget my friends though, or her. It tears me up everyday to think about her, but id rather hurt when i think about her than forget the smallest detail about her. I miss her, more than anything. My friends are the best thing about my life, and the most i could ever ask for. I thank every one of you for being good friends, and i can promise that I could never forget about you.
-D out
PS I think i had fish last night