Because here no one will find it...
Funny thing to log in only to see that my interests still list your name. I need to vent about this because it's STILL eating me alive. It hasn't gotten any better or easier.... Not even the slightest bit. I just keep wondering how you moved on so quickly if I supposedly meant so much to you. You said you just didn't want to dwell and you thought you needed to move on... I understand that but still how was it so easy for you to do so.... I just don't understand why you could not have told me that you only seen me as a friend when this whole thing started. I don't understand why it took you two months to tell me that despite the 3 years we spent together, you had a new girl. And you said you're not so sure things would be with her like they were with you and I.... but aside from constantly telling me how you like this girl (which is what I would imagine someone digging a knife in my chest feels like) thats all you've told me really. Maybe I'm clinging too tightly to the past, but can you blame me? If you ever felt for me what I felt for you, you'd know what I cant seem to let go of. I could tell you over and over again how I initiated the break up so that I could work some things out within myself in order to be happy with you... I suppose that was selfish and I guess I wouldn't understand that either... but you didn't put up a fight. The very next day you carried on as if nothing ever happened and for the entire past year I had no fucking clue that you were even upset about our breakup... and you tell me it's the exact opposite but I never knew so what was I supposed to do?! Like with the break up you put up no fight for our friendship, you'll simply let me walk away despite how much it kills me.... because it doesn't kill you I guess. Why would you be upset about any of this anyways when you have a new girl? I bet you told her all the things you told me in the beginning about how your past relationships screwed you up so badly and you just aren't in the right place for a relationship right now.... then you left for tour, leaving me to think I had to get over you because you were just letting me down the easy way.... I only wanted to know should I stick around or move on to which you had no answer only that you didn't want a serious relationship.... So I prepared myself for the worst. I was so fucking scared to see you the night you got back that I didn't even show up at the show, I went somewhere else... then you pranced into my house at 2 am and called me your girlfriend and despite the mind-fuck it was, I couldn't have been happier..... I imagine you'll do something quite similar to her. You probably gave her the whole bit about how she's going back home for the summer and you're too busy for a relationship blah blah blah but give it a month or so and soon enough you'll call her your gf too. It was so stupid of me to trust you..... you were honestly the only person I've ever trusted that much. I thought because you were so busy that you didn't have time for dating, period. So I said nothing about how badly I missed you and how I couldn't even consider dating other guys because I still cared so much for you.... But you lied. You were dating someone, obviously making the time for someone. And I'm not upset that you moved on, we clearly did not communicate with each other on that subject. It hurts like hell to think of you with someone else but thats not what I'm so upset about.... I'm upset that our friendship is gone because how could we ever remain so close when you now have a new girl that comes first. You know (or knew since you no longer care to know) everything about me.... you knew me better then I knew myself. I just keep thinking how I'll never have that ever again and largely because I'm now so insanely scared to get close to someone because of the fear that they'll just abandon me like you did. Maybe it's just easier for you because you had other "loves" before me and I guess I was never anymore special then any other relationship you had.... but I'm not as easy to win over and I can honestly say that you are the only love I've ever had. You made every other relationship I ever had seem so meaningless. I constantly think about the time we spent together and I don't regret any of it because you kept me happy through a lot of negative shit in my life. Maybe thats why it's so hard now because I'm experiencing all this terrible stuff but you're no longer there for me to lean on. I told you how I used to think, even at my most depressed times, "well at least I have the best boyfriend in the world whom is also my absolute best friend." To which you replied that you weren't a good boyfriend.... so what don't I know??? Because I remember the boyfriend who took me on a picnic in the park and packed the perfect lunch with everything I loved, details few people know. I remember the boy who used to make me mad over silly stuff like being indecisive but would quickly make me smile by joking leading me see what a dumb girl I was being. I remember when you left for tour in Europe and we could barely talk, getting so excited just to have a message from you... and the first time you called on that trip when I answered my phone and heard your voice, I wanted to cry I was so happy. I had butterflies and felt like I couldn't breathe because I didn't even realize how much I missed you at that point. I remember every single gift you ever gave being so beyond perfect and making me so insanely happy, especially all the stuff you got me for my 21st birthday because I didn't even have to tell you anything, you just knew! and you even picked out what is still my favorite piece of jewelry. I could go on and on but it doesn't really matter does it? Because you'll never feel the same about our friendship and I now have a years worth of building up my self-esteem and confidence to RE-build.