Shifting Fortunes 17/19
Title: Shifting Fortunes 17/19
Rating: NC -17
Pairings: Yunho/Jaejoong, Yoochun/Junsu, Changmin/Fic OC, Past!Jaejoong/Heechul, Eunhyuk/Donghae, Kyuhyun/Sungmin, Yesung/Ryeowook, ninja!Leeteuk/Kangin
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I'd make them act this out.
Summary: Jaejoong was raised in riches. Yunho has struggled most of his life just to keep food in his stomach. Jaejoong leaves his family and ends up working beside Yunho at a farm in the mountains. In a world of uncertainties, what is Jaejoong willing to give up in order to have everything?
A/N: Anything in italics is the present day, and then the fic goes back in time.
Part 17: Jaejoong's Heartbreak
Poster credit goes to sahmin I love you, my Failverto! ♥♥♥
JAEJOONG
Soft music played in Jae’s ear. His lips moved to the words of the song. Words of love, honor, commitment. Simple things that Jae still managed to screw up when it came to Yunho. This was his last chance. His last chance to show Yunho what he meant to him. Would it be enough though? Would it even matter?
God, Yunho, please be here.
6 weeks earlier …
Jae sat at the open window and watched the rain fall. The storm held a hint of spring, but Jae knew that it would still be flying snow up at the farm. He sighed and looked down at the paper in his lap. Half of it was full of his writing. Another letter to Yunho, but after two months, he was thinking of calling it quits. The only thing that kept him writing was Junsu’s assurances that Yunho no longer scowled when Jae’s name was mentioned and only ripped up his letters when he remembered to. It wasn’t much, but it was something.
Jae stretched his tired muscles. A manager would arrive in less than an hour to wake him up for some radio show. All the questions would be the same. How did he feel about debuting? Why did he audition? What about his family? Was there anyone special in his life?
That last question he always answered the same way: “Yes. There is someone that means more to me than any of this.” And when asked what he meant, he’d reply: “This is nothing. Love is forever.” And then he’d ignore any other questions about it.
Jae left the unfinished letter on the windowsill. He stood, stretched again, and then moved to the huge calendar on the wall. He needed a day off. He looked at the days, some with activities double booked. An indescribable need to get the hell out of this apartment took him. He knew he couldn’t leave though; not yet.
The manager came in and found him there. Jae motioned him over and then pointed to a Tuesday two weeks away. There was only one activity written in blue ink (a can’t miss) and one penciled in. With thick strokes, he put a big X through that day with a black marker.
“I’m going on strike that day,” Jae said. “I need a day off.”
The manager sputtered something about responsibility and commitments.
Jae held up a hand. “Sorry. But this is a bit more important.” He went to his room, changed into his gym clothes. When he came to the kitchen, the manager was on the phone trying desperately to make someone on the other line understand what Jae had done.
“That’s a breech of your contract,” the manager said.
“Then fire me,” Jae replied and left the apartment, the manager scurrying after him.
After his workout, Jae made a phone call.
“Joongie?”
“Hey, Changmin. What are you doing on Tuesday in two weeks?”
“I don’t know.”
“Wrong. The correct answer would be, ‘Well, Jae, I’m going to go to the farm with you and visit Yunho and Yoosu.’.”
Changmin remained silent for a moment and then said, “Really? Is that okay with your management?”
“Don’t care. I’m going. Are you coming with me?”
“Hell yes.”
“Good. Be here at about five am, okay?”
“I’ll definitely be there.”
-----
“Are you nervous?” Changmin asked.
Jae didn’t take his eyes from the road as he navigated through narrow village streets. “Yeah.”
“You think Yunho will listen to you?”
“Probably not.”
Changmin frowned. “But-”
“Can we not talk about it, please?”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
Two figures appeared in the road, walking slowly, backpacks slung over their shoulders. Jae slowed down and honked once. The taller one grabbed the smaller one’s hand and pulled him to the wall.
“Isn’t that Kyumin?” Changmin said.
Jae drew closer and smiled. “Sure is.” He stopped.
Changmin rolled down the window. “You boys want a ride?”
“Changmin? Jaejoong?” Sungmin said. “Wow. How are you?”
“We’re great. Get in,” Changmin said. “We’re headed up to the farm to visit.”
They climbed into the back. Kyuhyun gave them both a hug over the seats. “It’s good to see you both.”
“Did you guys just get back into town today?” Changmin asked.
“Yeah. Sungmin hyung decided not to get a taxi; he said we could walk.”
“And we did, and came into an even better situation.”
“True,” Kyuhyun replied.
“How was your winter?” Jae asked.
“Pretty good. We went to Thailand and worked.”
“Awesome,” Changmin said.
“But don’t worry, Jaejoong hyung,” Kyuhyun said. “We’ve kept up on your career. The internet is a fabulous thing when you can get to it.”
“Congratulations on getting the triple crown on Inkigayo,” Sungmin said.
“Thanks.”
“And you’re starting an Asian tour, right?”
“Yeah, with Wheesung, Kangta and Voices.”
“Voices? Aren’t those guys your roommates?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Yeah. I invited them up here, but they have a TV commitment they can’t cancel.”
“Do the guys know you’re coming?” Sungmin asked.
Jae smirked but said nothing.
Changmin answered, “No. Jae decided he’d rather surprise them all.”
“We heard about what happened with Yunho,” Kyuhyun said quietly. “Junsu wrote us. And we’re sorry, hyung. We know that you didn’t do anything with Heechul, but Yunho’s pretty stubborn.”
“He doesn’t want to talk about it,” Changmin said.
“I wouldn’t think so,” Sungmin said. “What about you, Changmin? How’s married life?”
Changmin’s face broke into a smile. “It’s awesome. Sahar is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She can be snobbish and particular sometimes, but she’s my moon and stars and-”
Jae tuned out and concentrated on the road. The pavement turned to dirt, although at this time of the year it was little more than mud. He was glad that he brought the SUV instead of going for the sedan. The road leveled out, and Jae traveled a bit further before turning and going through a simple gate. The road to the farm was gravel, and much easier to traverse. A feeling of homesickness swept through Jae as the house and barns came into view. He timed it perfectly though. It was almost nine am. Breakfast and chores would be done, and the guys would be relaxing.
Sure enough, as Jae pulled into the drive, six heads popped above the porch railing and looked at them.
All Jae saw was Yunho. His puzzled face turned into a bright smile when Kyumin got out of the car.
“Kyuhyun! Sungmin!” Junsu jumped over the railing and ran toward them. When Changmin stepped out, Junsu stopped. His mouth dropped open, and then he screeched and launched himself at Changmin. He caught him and just kept them from falling to the ground. Soon, Changmin was being hugged by Yoochun, Kibum, Leeteuk and, to his surprise, Kangin.
Yunho followed a bit more slowly. His muscles stood out in the black, long sleeved tee he wore. Faded blue jeans flowed down his lower body. Jae’s throat closed, and he made a sound of need.
As Yunho joined the group, his eyes darted to the car. Jae knew because of the tinting that he couldn’t see more than just his silhouette.
“What are you doing here?” Yoochun asked Changmin.
Changmin looked over at the car. Jae took a deep breath. Now or never. He climbed out. He didn’t look away from Yunho as he walked around the car.
Yunho’s eyes narrowed, first in pain, then in irritation. He took a couple steps back, shrugged off Leeteuk, who was trying to hold him, and stomped away. He didn’t go to house. Jae kept his eyes on him until he disappeared behind a fence.
No one said anything.
Jae turned to the group and said, “Well, I didn’t really expect to be greeted with open arms.”
Junsu smiled. “We’ll greet you that way,” he said and gave Jae a big hug. Jae was passed around and hugged and then hugged again by them all, even two or three at a time. Again, Kangin surprised him by giving him a tight, meaningful hug.
“Aren’t you in the middle of concert promotions?” Yoochun asked.
“Yeah, but I told them I needed a day off, and if they had issues with that, then to fire me.”
“Are you insane?” Kangin demanded.
“Maybe. They threatened to call Lee Sooman, but by that time, since I had invited Changmin, he already knew I was going, so he didn’t really care. He actually called me and told me to be safe and make sure I was back before my early morning radio appointment tomorrow.”
“This is awesome,” Kibum said.
A strong wind blew in from the mountains. Kyumin, Changmin and Jae all shivered. The other guys laughed.
“Pansies,” Kangin said, but with a smile. “Not used to the mountain air anymore, huh?”
“It’s cold,” Changmin said.
“Let’s go to the living room,” Yoochun said.
Kangteuk led the way. Jae held back a moment and looked in the direction Yunho went. He was about to follow when Yoochun placed his arm on his shoulder.
“Give him some time,” Yoochun said. “He’s probably startled and confused and trying to figure out what to do.”
“Does he still hate me?”
“No,” Yoochun said. He bit his lip. “Don’t be mad, but, well, Yunnie was being completely unreasonable, so I told him about Heechul abusing you.”
Jae’s eyes narrowed.
“Look, it’s not like I know details, but I told Yunho so he would understand why you’d never go back to Heechul. Until I told him, he wasn’t sleeping, barely eating, muttering about JaeChul at random moments. After I told him, he got really quiet. I know he’s been thinking about you. And yesterday, when Jonghyun passed out the mail, he looked up and then seemed disappointed when Jonghyun didn’t have a letter from you.”
Jae sort of smiled. “Really?”
Yoochun nodded. “Really. He went from a letter every other day to no letter in an entire week. Even Junsu and I were starting to wonder. I think Junsu wrote to you yesterday to ask why you hadn’t written.”
“Well, surprise.”
Yoochun smiled. “Awesome surprise.”
“Chunnie!” Junsu called. “Stop hogging Jae. I want to talk to him, too.”
They both laughed and headed into the house. The rest of the morning was spent talking and laughing and catching up. Jae was surprised to see how Kangteuk acted. Kangin didn’t bat an eyelash when Leeteuk sat in his lap. He even put his arms around the other man’s waist. It seemed the two of them were just short on making out with each other. He was introduced to Seungri, and he immediately agreed that the kid was not eighteen. Yoosu served them all tea, and then Kyuhyun dug through his bag, remembering some sweets from Thailand that they had brought to share.
Jae was startled when the lunch bell rang. The time flew so fast. Throughout the morning, his mind had drifted to and from Yunho, but now it stayed focused on him. Would Yunho come in for lunch? Jae doubted it.
As if they had planned it without really planning it, an empty seat was left next to Jae. Jae was sure that he saw Leeteuk and Yoochun exchange glances as they directed people to seats. In his letters, Junsu was always talking about how subtle Leeteuk was, and now he knew that Junsu was under exaggerating. The man was a sneaky, evil genius.
Changmin shut his eyes and sighed when Maensa entered with the rice. “I miss your cooking, umma,” he said and received a swat at the back of his head and a command to not call her that. Changmin barely noticed as he was already busy eating.
Jae took a bit of the black bean noodles and silently agreed. Even if it was “rustic”, as Eunhae called it, the food was delicious.
“Um, Jae,” Kangin said, and then cleared his throat.
“Yeah?”
Kangin squirmed and refused to meet his eyes. The others tried not to focus their attention on them, but their movements became a bit jerkier. It wasn’t until Leeteuk kicked Kangin under the table that he looked up. He glared at Leeteuk and then back at Jae.
“I wanted to apologize, you know, for your first day, and fighting with you.”
Jae grinned.
“No, seriously. I was really rude and I completely deserved that kick in the face.”
“Yeah, you did,” Yoochun muttered.
Kibum snorted into his teacup. Kyumin were smiling.
“Your apology is accepted,” Jae said.
Kangin nodded. “Good. Good. What’s everyone staring at?” he demanded.
“Never thought I’d see the day that Kangin would apologize,” Kibum said.
Kangin scowled, but then Leeteuk leaned close and Kangin visibly relaxed. Jae would have bet anyone there that under the table, Leeteuk’s hand was on his knee.
“Man,” Junsu said, “why don’t you two just kiss already?”
They pulled away from each other. Leeteuk blushed and Kangin concentrated on his food.
Movement made them all turn. Yunho stood in the doorway. He looked no where, but everywhere at once. His eyes landed momentarily on the empty seat next to Jae and then he closed them, took a deep breath and entered the silent, tense dining room.
Jae held his breath and followed each one of Yunho’s movements. Each step. How his knuckles turned white when he gripped the back of the chair. Moving it a bit farther from Jae, and almost right into Junsu. Dropping heavily into it. Reaching for some rice.
And then Yunho looked at him.
Jae stopped breathing. Those brown eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. Jae couldn’t read the expression in them. There was no hate, no anger, and that consoled him for a moment, but there was no love either. Not softness or desire. Empty. Tears pricked in the corner of his eyes, and with a choked sound, Jae looked away.
After a moment, Yunho continued eating.
“So, Jae,” Leeteuk said. “You have a concert coming up.”
Jae swallowed hard, but managed to nod.
“With Voices,” Changmin said.
“Really?” Junsu squealed.
“Yeah,” Jae said. He had to clear his throat before he could talk again. He kept his eyes on Leeteuk across the table. “It’s going to be a joint concert with me, Voices, Wheesung and Kangta. The whole concert is going to be at least five hours long.”
“I want to go,” Junsu said.
The other quickly echoed him.
“I’d love to have you all there, but it’s only three weeks away,” Jae said. “I doubt Jonghyun’s going to let you all come down for a couple of days.”
“Maybe just one of us then,” Leeteuk said with a pointed look at Yunho.
Changmin’s babbling filled the rest of lunch. Both Leeteuk and Yoochun cast wary glances over at Jae and Yunho. Junsu was bubbly and excited and kept leaning over Yunho to talk to Jae, and then trying to get Yunho involved in the conversation. Neither said anything more.
Yunho stood abruptly, his shoulder knocking into Jae’s. He left the room and again when he went to follow, Yoochun shook his head. “Not yet. But before you leave,” he whispered.
Jae didn’t understand why he couldn’t go talk to Yunho now, but he also reminded himself that he didn’t know how Yunho had been acting the last couple of months. Yoochun did, and Jae trusted Yoochun’s judgment and instincts.
“Hey, let’s go play football,” Kibum suddenly said. “There’s ten of us here, five on a team.”
Junsu cheered and the others all quickly agreed. Junsu ran up the stairs to grab his ball as the rest filed out. Jae stopped when he heard Junsu’s voice.
“Yunnie, we’re going to go play football, wanna come?”
“Not right now,” Yunho replied.
Jae soaked up the sound of his voice. Slightly strained, but trying, for Junsu’s sake not to be rude.
“Okay, come outside and watch then.”
Junsu bounded down the stairs, and Jae couldn’t help but smile. He put an arm around Junsu’s shoulder and kissed his cheek. “It’s so good to see you,” he said.
“You, too, Joongie.”
The game lasted well into the afternoon. Leeteuk bowed out about half way because they were playing in a muddy field and he was wearing white clothes. Well, now white with mud splatters on them. He went inside to shower and change.
“So, Kangin,” Kibum said, “when are you two going to just admit it to the rest of us?”
“Shut up, Bummie,” Kangin said.
“We’re not stupid,” Sungmin added. Kangin kicked the ball at him really hard. Sungmin dodged as it flew clear from the field. Kangin cursed and trotted after it.
Yoochun laughed and then explained to Jae, “Whenever we can get one of them alone, we always tease them about being together. Hangeng still swears he’s heard them making out. It’d be a lot easier if you’d just admit it.” That last he shouted so Kangin could hear.
“Fuck you guys!”
The game slowly dwindled until only Junsu and the new kid were in the field. They tapped the ball with their feet, chest and head, seeing how many times they could do it without it falling. The rest of them were settled on the porch. Kangteuk took the swing, with Leeteuk laying his head in Kangin’s lap, knees bent over the armrest. Sungmin sat on the railing, arms draped around Kyuhyun’s shoulders. Changmin, Yoochun and Kibum sat in the chairs.
Jae couldn’t sit. He would for a moment and then get up and pace, and then at Yoochun admonishment, Jae would sit again.
Despite Jae’s nerves, the conversation was light. He told them details about living with Shindong, Yesung and Ryeowook, and about life as a trainee and how he felt at his debut (before the fiasco with Heechul).
“What about Yoochun’s song?” Kibum asked.
Jae grinned. “It’s going on my next album. And they’ve finally cleared me to sing it, so I’ll be performing it at the concert.”
“Really?” Sungmin said. “That’s awesome.”
Yoochun smiled. “That is really cool.”
As the sun dropped, so did the temperature; they made their way inside to the living room again. Jae sat there, quiet. He really missed this. He missed these winter days of relaxing. He missed the hot, summer work days, too. Everything was calm up here. No cars rushing by. No TV, radio, or concert schedules. Privacy. Sure, here he shared a room with nine other men, but he didn’t have fangirls sleeping outside, waiting to take a snap of him in any position and facial expression. He couldn’t sit outside like he had today. He couldn’t play football with his friends.
Friends? Eunhae, Heechul, Siwon. They were almost as busy as he was learning the trades of their family businesses. And Yewook and Shindong had the same busy schedule as he did.
When he really thought about it, yes, they were all his friends, but mostly just surface things. The guys because he’d grown up with him. Yewook and Shindong because he could relate to them.
But who were his friends?
Definitely Junsu, who wrote him a long letter every two days, even if it was filled with a daily account of everything he had heard and seen. And Yoochun, who he would trust at his back for anything. Changmin, definitely Changmin, the only sane being in the craziness that was his life as a pop star.
Something was missing though. Part of his heart, and he knew that it was Yunho. Yunho was more than just a friend. Yunho was why he breathed, why he put up with everything. Nothing in his current life as a spoiled pop star or his previous life as a spoiled rich brat compared to what he had with Yunho.
A hand tugged on his sleeve. “Joongie,” Junsu whispered.
Jae realized he was crying and wiped the tears away. “Sorry.”
“It’s dinner time.”
Jae let himself be led into the house. They all sat in the same seats, leaving an empty chair next to him again. Yunho didn’t come down for dinner.
As people finished eating, they looked at Jae.
Yoochun nodded. “Now would probably be the best chance you’ll get. We’ll leave you alone.”
“Thanks,” Jae said. He took a deep breath, ran his hands on his thighs and stood up. The stairs to the attic were the same. He was used to wide concrete stairs now, and he missed the daily trek up the steep, weathered boards. The door to the attic was slightly ajar. Jae thought he heard his own breathing, or someone’s breathing, but everything was quiet.
He pushed the door open.
Yunho was on his bed. Their bed. No, not yours anymore. Seungri’s. And Yunho’s.
Junsu had told him that Yunho had started sleeping in his bed again.
“So which one of us talks and spoils this moment?” Yunho asked. His voice was quiet, pained. And he didn’t look at him.
Jae wanted to laugh, but couldn’t past the lump in his throat. He walked into the room. He stopped at Yoosu’s bed and stared at the picture from Changmin’s wedding. Well, he stared at Yunho in the picture. How close their hands were, his head on Yunho’s strong shoulder. His heart ached for those moments.
“So I just have to sit here, staring at you, while you take your sweet precious time to reminisce.”
“You’re staring at me?”
Yunho scoffed.
Jae finally turned. Yunho’s back was to him. Jae sat on Yoosu’s bed and stared at him. He had the sleeves of the t-shirt pushed up to his forearms, and with the way he was lying, the shirt rode up and exposed the top of his boxers and a strip skin. Jae’s fingers itched to touch it.
“Is it okay that I don’t know what to say?” Jae whispered. “I thought I did until I saw you, but I realized that nothing that I could say would be enough.”
Yunho sighed and rolled over. He glanced at Jae once and then looked at the ceiling.
“I guess the only thing I can do is ask if I’m still allowed to love you.” Jae’s voice broke on the last word and he looked away. Tears fell down his cheeks again.
Yunho said nothing.
“I could just talk, you know.” Jae didn’t bother to try to hide the pain in his voice. “And hope that you’ll listen. I ache for you, Yunho. I need you. You think anything in my life means anything right now? Losing you, having you out of my life is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Fame, fangirls. It’s not worth it.”
Jae wished the words back as soon as they left his mouth. He remembered that Heechul had said the same thing to him. Yunho must have remembered too because he glared at him.
“Well, it’s not,” Jae whispered.
Yunho looked away.
“I guess I should tell you about Heechul,” Jae said.
Yunho snorted in disgust.
“Yeah, I know, but he was my best friend until he broke my heart. Heechul’s been manipulating me for years. He’s still doing it, or at least trying to. He’s gone from trying to convince me that sharing his bed again is a good idea, to forcing me to share his bed again. I’m never alone with him. Ever. Especially not after … look, he forced me okay? I went to the bathroom to check my makeup, and then suddenly he’s there and all over me. I didn’t even care what I looked like anymore, I just had to get out of that bathroom, and then you were there and, god, Yunho, it’s-”
“I know,” Yunho whispered.
‘I’m not comfortable going into details, but I idolized Heechul growing up. He’s a bit older than I am, but man, ever since I can remember we were together. He talked me into a lot things, we got into trouble together. We started playing around, kissing and stuff, when we were eleven.” Jae sighed. “I don’t know if this makes any sense to you or not, but whatever Heechul said was what I did. I’m not even sure when the abuse started, maybe when we were fourteen or fifteen, but it just got worse. I, of course, knew nothing different. I had no idea that you could have sex without pain. That it could be fun and actually feel good. Not until you showed me it could.”
“You’re welcome,” Yunho said harshly. “At least you got something out of our relationship.”
“Damn it, it was more than that. I had someone who loved me. Someone who worried about me, and cared for me. I’d never had that before.”
“And now you can find someone else to do it.” Yunho sat up, his back to him. His shoulders rose in heavy breathing.
“I don’t want anyone else to do it.”
“I can’t do it anymore, Jae,” he whispered.
“Why not? I lo-”
“Don’t you dare say that to me right now. I thought I knew what to say to you, too, the next time I saw you, but I just can’t. God, that hurt. Even if he was forcing you, it still hurt to see you with his hands on you, like you just had a one off in the bathroom. And how do I know that you haven’t been fucking him since you left here?”
“I’m-”
“I’m not done. Just shut up for a minute. I did love you, Jae. I still-but I can’t. Not anymore. Not knowing what’s going on, not being there. And I’m sure Leeteuk and Yoochun have just told you to wait and be patient and that I’m thinking things through. And I have thought things through. Our lives are different. They always have been. Then they crossed and I thought … I thought they’d be crossed forever.”
“Tell me right now, Yunho. I’ll give it up for you, but I won’t give you up for it. I’ll never leave. Ever.”
“You’re already gone.”
“No, I’m not. I’m right here, begging you. What do you think has kept me going for ten months? Even when we stopped writing, I just knew that I’d get to see you soon. And I knew that as soon as I did, we’d just pick up where we left off.”
“That almost happened.”
“It should have. God, I’m sorry. I thought that you hadn’t even come to my debut. I didn’t see you before the show and then I was in the bathroom when you came in and, damn it, I didn’t even know you were there.”
“So you had sex in the bathroom with Heechul?”
“No. I went in the bathroom to make sure I didn’t cry in front of the guys. You weren’t there. And it was all my fault. I stopped writing. I made excuses why I couldn’t. But I never lost you. You’re always there.”
“Not anymore.”
“Why not?”
Yunho finally turned and looked at him. A tear fell from the corner of his eye and slid down his cheek.
“You understand about Heechul, right?” Jae asked, forcing the words past the ache in his body. “And about that night? What else is stopping you?”
Yunho shrugged. “Looking at you hurts. That’s all I know and when you look at someone and all you feel is pain and betrayal and fear, then you shouldn’t be involved with them.”
“That’s all you feel?”
There was a knock on the door. Yoochun poked his head in, looked at them both and then whispered, “Changmin says you guys need to leave.”
Jae nodded. “Yeah. I guess there isn’t anything left for me here.”
Yunho gasped, but Jae didn’t look at him. He stood, stared at the picture of them again, and then left the room. A harsh choked back sob echoed in the room just before the door shut behind Yoochun.
On the way down the stairs, Jae did the only thing he knew he had down perfectly. He buried it all, swallowed the pain for later, so he could say good bye to the few people he considered friends.
Part 18: Yunho's Last Chance
Part 16: Yunho's Heartbreak
Part 15: Jaejoong's Decision
Part 14: Yunho's Decision
Part 13: A Series of Letters
Part 12: Yunho's Goodbye
Part 11: Jaejoong's Opportunity
Part 10: Yunho's Second Taste of Luxury
Part 9: Jaejoong's Invitation
Part 8: Yunho's First Taste of Luxury
Part 7: Jaejoong's Confession
Part 6: Yunho's Culture Shock
Part 5: Jaejoong's Past
Part 4: Yunho's Sanctuary
Part 3: Jaejoong's New Life
Part 2: Yunho's New Roommate
Part 1: Jaejoong's Predicament
.
Rating: NC -17
Pairings: Yunho/Jaejoong, Yoochun/Junsu, Changmin/Fic OC, Past!Jaejoong/Heechul, Eunhyuk/Donghae, Kyuhyun/Sungmin, Yesung/Ryeowook, ninja!Leeteuk/Kangin
Disclaimer: If I owned them, I'd make them act this out.
Summary: Jaejoong was raised in riches. Yunho has struggled most of his life just to keep food in his stomach. Jaejoong leaves his family and ends up working beside Yunho at a farm in the mountains. In a world of uncertainties, what is Jaejoong willing to give up in order to have everything?
A/N: Anything in italics is the present day, and then the fic goes back in time.
Part 17: Jaejoong's Heartbreak
Poster credit goes to sahmin I love you, my Failverto! ♥♥♥
JAEJOONG
Soft music played in Jae’s ear. His lips moved to the words of the song. Words of love, honor, commitment. Simple things that Jae still managed to screw up when it came to Yunho. This was his last chance. His last chance to show Yunho what he meant to him. Would it be enough though? Would it even matter?
God, Yunho, please be here.
6 weeks earlier …
Jae sat at the open window and watched the rain fall. The storm held a hint of spring, but Jae knew that it would still be flying snow up at the farm. He sighed and looked down at the paper in his lap. Half of it was full of his writing. Another letter to Yunho, but after two months, he was thinking of calling it quits. The only thing that kept him writing was Junsu’s assurances that Yunho no longer scowled when Jae’s name was mentioned and only ripped up his letters when he remembered to. It wasn’t much, but it was something.
Jae stretched his tired muscles. A manager would arrive in less than an hour to wake him up for some radio show. All the questions would be the same. How did he feel about debuting? Why did he audition? What about his family? Was there anyone special in his life?
That last question he always answered the same way: “Yes. There is someone that means more to me than any of this.” And when asked what he meant, he’d reply: “This is nothing. Love is forever.” And then he’d ignore any other questions about it.
Jae left the unfinished letter on the windowsill. He stood, stretched again, and then moved to the huge calendar on the wall. He needed a day off. He looked at the days, some with activities double booked. An indescribable need to get the hell out of this apartment took him. He knew he couldn’t leave though; not yet.
The manager came in and found him there. Jae motioned him over and then pointed to a Tuesday two weeks away. There was only one activity written in blue ink (a can’t miss) and one penciled in. With thick strokes, he put a big X through that day with a black marker.
“I’m going on strike that day,” Jae said. “I need a day off.”
The manager sputtered something about responsibility and commitments.
Jae held up a hand. “Sorry. But this is a bit more important.” He went to his room, changed into his gym clothes. When he came to the kitchen, the manager was on the phone trying desperately to make someone on the other line understand what Jae had done.
“That’s a breech of your contract,” the manager said.
“Then fire me,” Jae replied and left the apartment, the manager scurrying after him.
After his workout, Jae made a phone call.
“Joongie?”
“Hey, Changmin. What are you doing on Tuesday in two weeks?”
“I don’t know.”
“Wrong. The correct answer would be, ‘Well, Jae, I’m going to go to the farm with you and visit Yunho and Yoosu.’.”
Changmin remained silent for a moment and then said, “Really? Is that okay with your management?”
“Don’t care. I’m going. Are you coming with me?”
“Hell yes.”
“Good. Be here at about five am, okay?”
“I’ll definitely be there.”
-----
“Are you nervous?” Changmin asked.
Jae didn’t take his eyes from the road as he navigated through narrow village streets. “Yeah.”
“You think Yunho will listen to you?”
“Probably not.”
Changmin frowned. “But-”
“Can we not talk about it, please?”
“Yeah. Sorry.”
Two figures appeared in the road, walking slowly, backpacks slung over their shoulders. Jae slowed down and honked once. The taller one grabbed the smaller one’s hand and pulled him to the wall.
“Isn’t that Kyumin?” Changmin said.
Jae drew closer and smiled. “Sure is.” He stopped.
Changmin rolled down the window. “You boys want a ride?”
“Changmin? Jaejoong?” Sungmin said. “Wow. How are you?”
“We’re great. Get in,” Changmin said. “We’re headed up to the farm to visit.”
They climbed into the back. Kyuhyun gave them both a hug over the seats. “It’s good to see you both.”
“Did you guys just get back into town today?” Changmin asked.
“Yeah. Sungmin hyung decided not to get a taxi; he said we could walk.”
“And we did, and came into an even better situation.”
“True,” Kyuhyun replied.
“How was your winter?” Jae asked.
“Pretty good. We went to Thailand and worked.”
“Awesome,” Changmin said.
“But don’t worry, Jaejoong hyung,” Kyuhyun said. “We’ve kept up on your career. The internet is a fabulous thing when you can get to it.”
“Congratulations on getting the triple crown on Inkigayo,” Sungmin said.
“Thanks.”
“And you’re starting an Asian tour, right?”
“Yeah, with Wheesung, Kangta and Voices.”
“Voices? Aren’t those guys your roommates?” Kyuhyun asked.
“Yeah. I invited them up here, but they have a TV commitment they can’t cancel.”
“Do the guys know you’re coming?” Sungmin asked.
Jae smirked but said nothing.
Changmin answered, “No. Jae decided he’d rather surprise them all.”
“We heard about what happened with Yunho,” Kyuhyun said quietly. “Junsu wrote us. And we’re sorry, hyung. We know that you didn’t do anything with Heechul, but Yunho’s pretty stubborn.”
“He doesn’t want to talk about it,” Changmin said.
“I wouldn’t think so,” Sungmin said. “What about you, Changmin? How’s married life?”
Changmin’s face broke into a smile. “It’s awesome. Sahar is the best thing that’s ever happened to me. She can be snobbish and particular sometimes, but she’s my moon and stars and-”
Jae tuned out and concentrated on the road. The pavement turned to dirt, although at this time of the year it was little more than mud. He was glad that he brought the SUV instead of going for the sedan. The road leveled out, and Jae traveled a bit further before turning and going through a simple gate. The road to the farm was gravel, and much easier to traverse. A feeling of homesickness swept through Jae as the house and barns came into view. He timed it perfectly though. It was almost nine am. Breakfast and chores would be done, and the guys would be relaxing.
Sure enough, as Jae pulled into the drive, six heads popped above the porch railing and looked at them.
All Jae saw was Yunho. His puzzled face turned into a bright smile when Kyumin got out of the car.
“Kyuhyun! Sungmin!” Junsu jumped over the railing and ran toward them. When Changmin stepped out, Junsu stopped. His mouth dropped open, and then he screeched and launched himself at Changmin. He caught him and just kept them from falling to the ground. Soon, Changmin was being hugged by Yoochun, Kibum, Leeteuk and, to his surprise, Kangin.
Yunho followed a bit more slowly. His muscles stood out in the black, long sleeved tee he wore. Faded blue jeans flowed down his lower body. Jae’s throat closed, and he made a sound of need.
As Yunho joined the group, his eyes darted to the car. Jae knew because of the tinting that he couldn’t see more than just his silhouette.
“What are you doing here?” Yoochun asked Changmin.
Changmin looked over at the car. Jae took a deep breath. Now or never. He climbed out. He didn’t look away from Yunho as he walked around the car.
Yunho’s eyes narrowed, first in pain, then in irritation. He took a couple steps back, shrugged off Leeteuk, who was trying to hold him, and stomped away. He didn’t go to house. Jae kept his eyes on him until he disappeared behind a fence.
No one said anything.
Jae turned to the group and said, “Well, I didn’t really expect to be greeted with open arms.”
Junsu smiled. “We’ll greet you that way,” he said and gave Jae a big hug. Jae was passed around and hugged and then hugged again by them all, even two or three at a time. Again, Kangin surprised him by giving him a tight, meaningful hug.
“Aren’t you in the middle of concert promotions?” Yoochun asked.
“Yeah, but I told them I needed a day off, and if they had issues with that, then to fire me.”
“Are you insane?” Kangin demanded.
“Maybe. They threatened to call Lee Sooman, but by that time, since I had invited Changmin, he already knew I was going, so he didn’t really care. He actually called me and told me to be safe and make sure I was back before my early morning radio appointment tomorrow.”
“This is awesome,” Kibum said.
A strong wind blew in from the mountains. Kyumin, Changmin and Jae all shivered. The other guys laughed.
“Pansies,” Kangin said, but with a smile. “Not used to the mountain air anymore, huh?”
“It’s cold,” Changmin said.
“Let’s go to the living room,” Yoochun said.
Kangteuk led the way. Jae held back a moment and looked in the direction Yunho went. He was about to follow when Yoochun placed his arm on his shoulder.
“Give him some time,” Yoochun said. “He’s probably startled and confused and trying to figure out what to do.”
“Does he still hate me?”
“No,” Yoochun said. He bit his lip. “Don’t be mad, but, well, Yunnie was being completely unreasonable, so I told him about Heechul abusing you.”
Jae’s eyes narrowed.
“Look, it’s not like I know details, but I told Yunho so he would understand why you’d never go back to Heechul. Until I told him, he wasn’t sleeping, barely eating, muttering about JaeChul at random moments. After I told him, he got really quiet. I know he’s been thinking about you. And yesterday, when Jonghyun passed out the mail, he looked up and then seemed disappointed when Jonghyun didn’t have a letter from you.”
Jae sort of smiled. “Really?”
Yoochun nodded. “Really. He went from a letter every other day to no letter in an entire week. Even Junsu and I were starting to wonder. I think Junsu wrote to you yesterday to ask why you hadn’t written.”
“Well, surprise.”
Yoochun smiled. “Awesome surprise.”
“Chunnie!” Junsu called. “Stop hogging Jae. I want to talk to him, too.”
They both laughed and headed into the house. The rest of the morning was spent talking and laughing and catching up. Jae was surprised to see how Kangteuk acted. Kangin didn’t bat an eyelash when Leeteuk sat in his lap. He even put his arms around the other man’s waist. It seemed the two of them were just short on making out with each other. He was introduced to Seungri, and he immediately agreed that the kid was not eighteen. Yoosu served them all tea, and then Kyuhyun dug through his bag, remembering some sweets from Thailand that they had brought to share.
Jae was startled when the lunch bell rang. The time flew so fast. Throughout the morning, his mind had drifted to and from Yunho, but now it stayed focused on him. Would Yunho come in for lunch? Jae doubted it.
As if they had planned it without really planning it, an empty seat was left next to Jae. Jae was sure that he saw Leeteuk and Yoochun exchange glances as they directed people to seats. In his letters, Junsu was always talking about how subtle Leeteuk was, and now he knew that Junsu was under exaggerating. The man was a sneaky, evil genius.
Changmin shut his eyes and sighed when Maensa entered with the rice. “I miss your cooking, umma,” he said and received a swat at the back of his head and a command to not call her that. Changmin barely noticed as he was already busy eating.
Jae took a bit of the black bean noodles and silently agreed. Even if it was “rustic”, as Eunhae called it, the food was delicious.
“Um, Jae,” Kangin said, and then cleared his throat.
“Yeah?”
Kangin squirmed and refused to meet his eyes. The others tried not to focus their attention on them, but their movements became a bit jerkier. It wasn’t until Leeteuk kicked Kangin under the table that he looked up. He glared at Leeteuk and then back at Jae.
“I wanted to apologize, you know, for your first day, and fighting with you.”
Jae grinned.
“No, seriously. I was really rude and I completely deserved that kick in the face.”
“Yeah, you did,” Yoochun muttered.
Kibum snorted into his teacup. Kyumin were smiling.
“Your apology is accepted,” Jae said.
Kangin nodded. “Good. Good. What’s everyone staring at?” he demanded.
“Never thought I’d see the day that Kangin would apologize,” Kibum said.
Kangin scowled, but then Leeteuk leaned close and Kangin visibly relaxed. Jae would have bet anyone there that under the table, Leeteuk’s hand was on his knee.
“Man,” Junsu said, “why don’t you two just kiss already?”
They pulled away from each other. Leeteuk blushed and Kangin concentrated on his food.
Movement made them all turn. Yunho stood in the doorway. He looked no where, but everywhere at once. His eyes landed momentarily on the empty seat next to Jae and then he closed them, took a deep breath and entered the silent, tense dining room.
Jae held his breath and followed each one of Yunho’s movements. Each step. How his knuckles turned white when he gripped the back of the chair. Moving it a bit farther from Jae, and almost right into Junsu. Dropping heavily into it. Reaching for some rice.
And then Yunho looked at him.
Jae stopped breathing. Those brown eyes were red-rimmed and puffy. Jae couldn’t read the expression in them. There was no hate, no anger, and that consoled him for a moment, but there was no love either. Not softness or desire. Empty. Tears pricked in the corner of his eyes, and with a choked sound, Jae looked away.
After a moment, Yunho continued eating.
“So, Jae,” Leeteuk said. “You have a concert coming up.”
Jae swallowed hard, but managed to nod.
“With Voices,” Changmin said.
“Really?” Junsu squealed.
“Yeah,” Jae said. He had to clear his throat before he could talk again. He kept his eyes on Leeteuk across the table. “It’s going to be a joint concert with me, Voices, Wheesung and Kangta. The whole concert is going to be at least five hours long.”
“I want to go,” Junsu said.
The other quickly echoed him.
“I’d love to have you all there, but it’s only three weeks away,” Jae said. “I doubt Jonghyun’s going to let you all come down for a couple of days.”
“Maybe just one of us then,” Leeteuk said with a pointed look at Yunho.
Changmin’s babbling filled the rest of lunch. Both Leeteuk and Yoochun cast wary glances over at Jae and Yunho. Junsu was bubbly and excited and kept leaning over Yunho to talk to Jae, and then trying to get Yunho involved in the conversation. Neither said anything more.
Yunho stood abruptly, his shoulder knocking into Jae’s. He left the room and again when he went to follow, Yoochun shook his head. “Not yet. But before you leave,” he whispered.
Jae didn’t understand why he couldn’t go talk to Yunho now, but he also reminded himself that he didn’t know how Yunho had been acting the last couple of months. Yoochun did, and Jae trusted Yoochun’s judgment and instincts.
“Hey, let’s go play football,” Kibum suddenly said. “There’s ten of us here, five on a team.”
Junsu cheered and the others all quickly agreed. Junsu ran up the stairs to grab his ball as the rest filed out. Jae stopped when he heard Junsu’s voice.
“Yunnie, we’re going to go play football, wanna come?”
“Not right now,” Yunho replied.
Jae soaked up the sound of his voice. Slightly strained, but trying, for Junsu’s sake not to be rude.
“Okay, come outside and watch then.”
Junsu bounded down the stairs, and Jae couldn’t help but smile. He put an arm around Junsu’s shoulder and kissed his cheek. “It’s so good to see you,” he said.
“You, too, Joongie.”
The game lasted well into the afternoon. Leeteuk bowed out about half way because they were playing in a muddy field and he was wearing white clothes. Well, now white with mud splatters on them. He went inside to shower and change.
“So, Kangin,” Kibum said, “when are you two going to just admit it to the rest of us?”
“Shut up, Bummie,” Kangin said.
“We’re not stupid,” Sungmin added. Kangin kicked the ball at him really hard. Sungmin dodged as it flew clear from the field. Kangin cursed and trotted after it.
Yoochun laughed and then explained to Jae, “Whenever we can get one of them alone, we always tease them about being together. Hangeng still swears he’s heard them making out. It’d be a lot easier if you’d just admit it.” That last he shouted so Kangin could hear.
“Fuck you guys!”
The game slowly dwindled until only Junsu and the new kid were in the field. They tapped the ball with their feet, chest and head, seeing how many times they could do it without it falling. The rest of them were settled on the porch. Kangteuk took the swing, with Leeteuk laying his head in Kangin’s lap, knees bent over the armrest. Sungmin sat on the railing, arms draped around Kyuhyun’s shoulders. Changmin, Yoochun and Kibum sat in the chairs.
Jae couldn’t sit. He would for a moment and then get up and pace, and then at Yoochun admonishment, Jae would sit again.
Despite Jae’s nerves, the conversation was light. He told them details about living with Shindong, Yesung and Ryeowook, and about life as a trainee and how he felt at his debut (before the fiasco with Heechul).
“What about Yoochun’s song?” Kibum asked.
Jae grinned. “It’s going on my next album. And they’ve finally cleared me to sing it, so I’ll be performing it at the concert.”
“Really?” Sungmin said. “That’s awesome.”
Yoochun smiled. “That is really cool.”
As the sun dropped, so did the temperature; they made their way inside to the living room again. Jae sat there, quiet. He really missed this. He missed these winter days of relaxing. He missed the hot, summer work days, too. Everything was calm up here. No cars rushing by. No TV, radio, or concert schedules. Privacy. Sure, here he shared a room with nine other men, but he didn’t have fangirls sleeping outside, waiting to take a snap of him in any position and facial expression. He couldn’t sit outside like he had today. He couldn’t play football with his friends.
Friends? Eunhae, Heechul, Siwon. They were almost as busy as he was learning the trades of their family businesses. And Yewook and Shindong had the same busy schedule as he did.
When he really thought about it, yes, they were all his friends, but mostly just surface things. The guys because he’d grown up with him. Yewook and Shindong because he could relate to them.
But who were his friends?
Definitely Junsu, who wrote him a long letter every two days, even if it was filled with a daily account of everything he had heard and seen. And Yoochun, who he would trust at his back for anything. Changmin, definitely Changmin, the only sane being in the craziness that was his life as a pop star.
Something was missing though. Part of his heart, and he knew that it was Yunho. Yunho was more than just a friend. Yunho was why he breathed, why he put up with everything. Nothing in his current life as a spoiled pop star or his previous life as a spoiled rich brat compared to what he had with Yunho.
A hand tugged on his sleeve. “Joongie,” Junsu whispered.
Jae realized he was crying and wiped the tears away. “Sorry.”
“It’s dinner time.”
Jae let himself be led into the house. They all sat in the same seats, leaving an empty chair next to him again. Yunho didn’t come down for dinner.
As people finished eating, they looked at Jae.
Yoochun nodded. “Now would probably be the best chance you’ll get. We’ll leave you alone.”
“Thanks,” Jae said. He took a deep breath, ran his hands on his thighs and stood up. The stairs to the attic were the same. He was used to wide concrete stairs now, and he missed the daily trek up the steep, weathered boards. The door to the attic was slightly ajar. Jae thought he heard his own breathing, or someone’s breathing, but everything was quiet.
He pushed the door open.
Yunho was on his bed. Their bed. No, not yours anymore. Seungri’s. And Yunho’s.
Junsu had told him that Yunho had started sleeping in his bed again.
“So which one of us talks and spoils this moment?” Yunho asked. His voice was quiet, pained. And he didn’t look at him.
Jae wanted to laugh, but couldn’t past the lump in his throat. He walked into the room. He stopped at Yoosu’s bed and stared at the picture from Changmin’s wedding. Well, he stared at Yunho in the picture. How close their hands were, his head on Yunho’s strong shoulder. His heart ached for those moments.
“So I just have to sit here, staring at you, while you take your sweet precious time to reminisce.”
“You’re staring at me?”
Yunho scoffed.
Jae finally turned. Yunho’s back was to him. Jae sat on Yoosu’s bed and stared at him. He had the sleeves of the t-shirt pushed up to his forearms, and with the way he was lying, the shirt rode up and exposed the top of his boxers and a strip skin. Jae’s fingers itched to touch it.
“Is it okay that I don’t know what to say?” Jae whispered. “I thought I did until I saw you, but I realized that nothing that I could say would be enough.”
Yunho sighed and rolled over. He glanced at Jae once and then looked at the ceiling.
“I guess the only thing I can do is ask if I’m still allowed to love you.” Jae’s voice broke on the last word and he looked away. Tears fell down his cheeks again.
Yunho said nothing.
“I could just talk, you know.” Jae didn’t bother to try to hide the pain in his voice. “And hope that you’ll listen. I ache for you, Yunho. I need you. You think anything in my life means anything right now? Losing you, having you out of my life is the hardest thing I’ve ever had to deal with. Fame, fangirls. It’s not worth it.”
Jae wished the words back as soon as they left his mouth. He remembered that Heechul had said the same thing to him. Yunho must have remembered too because he glared at him.
“Well, it’s not,” Jae whispered.
Yunho looked away.
“I guess I should tell you about Heechul,” Jae said.
Yunho snorted in disgust.
“Yeah, I know, but he was my best friend until he broke my heart. Heechul’s been manipulating me for years. He’s still doing it, or at least trying to. He’s gone from trying to convince me that sharing his bed again is a good idea, to forcing me to share his bed again. I’m never alone with him. Ever. Especially not after … look, he forced me okay? I went to the bathroom to check my makeup, and then suddenly he’s there and all over me. I didn’t even care what I looked like anymore, I just had to get out of that bathroom, and then you were there and, god, Yunho, it’s-”
“I know,” Yunho whispered.
‘I’m not comfortable going into details, but I idolized Heechul growing up. He’s a bit older than I am, but man, ever since I can remember we were together. He talked me into a lot things, we got into trouble together. We started playing around, kissing and stuff, when we were eleven.” Jae sighed. “I don’t know if this makes any sense to you or not, but whatever Heechul said was what I did. I’m not even sure when the abuse started, maybe when we were fourteen or fifteen, but it just got worse. I, of course, knew nothing different. I had no idea that you could have sex without pain. That it could be fun and actually feel good. Not until you showed me it could.”
“You’re welcome,” Yunho said harshly. “At least you got something out of our relationship.”
“Damn it, it was more than that. I had someone who loved me. Someone who worried about me, and cared for me. I’d never had that before.”
“And now you can find someone else to do it.” Yunho sat up, his back to him. His shoulders rose in heavy breathing.
“I don’t want anyone else to do it.”
“I can’t do it anymore, Jae,” he whispered.
“Why not? I lo-”
“Don’t you dare say that to me right now. I thought I knew what to say to you, too, the next time I saw you, but I just can’t. God, that hurt. Even if he was forcing you, it still hurt to see you with his hands on you, like you just had a one off in the bathroom. And how do I know that you haven’t been fucking him since you left here?”
“I’m-”
“I’m not done. Just shut up for a minute. I did love you, Jae. I still-but I can’t. Not anymore. Not knowing what’s going on, not being there. And I’m sure Leeteuk and Yoochun have just told you to wait and be patient and that I’m thinking things through. And I have thought things through. Our lives are different. They always have been. Then they crossed and I thought … I thought they’d be crossed forever.”
“Tell me right now, Yunho. I’ll give it up for you, but I won’t give you up for it. I’ll never leave. Ever.”
“You’re already gone.”
“No, I’m not. I’m right here, begging you. What do you think has kept me going for ten months? Even when we stopped writing, I just knew that I’d get to see you soon. And I knew that as soon as I did, we’d just pick up where we left off.”
“That almost happened.”
“It should have. God, I’m sorry. I thought that you hadn’t even come to my debut. I didn’t see you before the show and then I was in the bathroom when you came in and, damn it, I didn’t even know you were there.”
“So you had sex in the bathroom with Heechul?”
“No. I went in the bathroom to make sure I didn’t cry in front of the guys. You weren’t there. And it was all my fault. I stopped writing. I made excuses why I couldn’t. But I never lost you. You’re always there.”
“Not anymore.”
“Why not?”
Yunho finally turned and looked at him. A tear fell from the corner of his eye and slid down his cheek.
“You understand about Heechul, right?” Jae asked, forcing the words past the ache in his body. “And about that night? What else is stopping you?”
Yunho shrugged. “Looking at you hurts. That’s all I know and when you look at someone and all you feel is pain and betrayal and fear, then you shouldn’t be involved with them.”
“That’s all you feel?”
There was a knock on the door. Yoochun poked his head in, looked at them both and then whispered, “Changmin says you guys need to leave.”
Jae nodded. “Yeah. I guess there isn’t anything left for me here.”
Yunho gasped, but Jae didn’t look at him. He stood, stared at the picture of them again, and then left the room. A harsh choked back sob echoed in the room just before the door shut behind Yoochun.
On the way down the stairs, Jae did the only thing he knew he had down perfectly. He buried it all, swallowed the pain for later, so he could say good bye to the few people he considered friends.
Part 18: Yunho's Last Chance
Part 16: Yunho's Heartbreak
Part 15: Jaejoong's Decision
Part 14: Yunho's Decision
Part 13: A Series of Letters
Part 12: Yunho's Goodbye
Part 11: Jaejoong's Opportunity
Part 10: Yunho's Second Taste of Luxury
Part 9: Jaejoong's Invitation
Part 8: Yunho's First Taste of Luxury
Part 7: Jaejoong's Confession
Part 6: Yunho's Culture Shock
Part 5: Jaejoong's Past
Part 4: Yunho's Sanctuary
Part 3: Jaejoong's New Life
Part 2: Yunho's New Roommate
Part 1: Jaejoong's Predicament
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