Skin You're In 14/?
Title: Skin You're In 14/?
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 14: The Reassurance
Yoochun woke up with his head pounding and his stomach churning. Sleep seemed so far away, and now the sun tried to blare through the curtains.
He rolled over, arm automatically searching for his girlfriend, but it fell on cold blankets.
With that, he knew he had to get up. He probably could go back to sleep, eyes shut tightly, head on her soft, citrus smelling pillow, but it wouldn’t be for awhile, and the concern for her after last night would eat at him. Any other day and he’d lie there, relaxing, until Jaehwa came back to bed.
Yoochun got out of bed, slipped on his jeans and padded out of the room. The rest of the apartment was dark, save for a sliver of light coming from under the bathroom door. He headed there and rapped on the door.
Jaehwa didn’t answer, so he knocked again. After waiting for a few more seconds, Yoochun grew worried and tried the door. It opened and he stepped into the humid room.
Jaehwa was in the bathtub, body covered in bubbles. Her long hair was pulled up and she had earbuds in. Yoochun knew she was listening to classical music, because if it had been anything with lyrics, she’d be singing.
He used the toilet, back toward her, and then slipped out of his jeans. Carefully, he lifted a leg over the side of the tub.
Jaehwa’s eyes flew open as he settled in on the opposite side. Her ipod fell into the tub with a plop.
“Fuck! Shit!” she shouted, quickly pulling it out.
“Oops,” Yoochun said. “Sorry. I’ll buy you a new one.”
Jaehwa grinned and shook it. “I waterproofed this one after destroying four of them in six months the same way. It should be okay.”
Yoochun chuckled and held out his hand.
Jaehwa pulled out the earbuds and let the whole thing clatter to the tile floor. She slid over, turning so her back was to his front. He put his arms around her and pressed a kiss below his ear.
“I’m sorry I was such a mess yesterday.”
Yoochun hummed and whispered that it was all right.
“But it’s not!”
“And you said you’d try to be better, so it is.”
“I don’t know how to be different.”
“Talking to me helps.”
“I know.”
“Talking to Junsu helps. Talking to anyone helps.”
Jaehwa sighed. “Do you really think this new therapist is okay?”
“Yes. I like Doctor Lee. She’s not trying to convince you that you’re a boy.”
“But I am.”
Yoochun sighed. “Are you really? You can tell me that after all this, after all the shit you went through growing up and what you go through now, that you’re a boy?”
Jaehwa chewed on her lower lip, and then lightly shook her head. “No. I-I’m not a boy. If I was, I think my life would be a lot easier.”
Yoochun smiled and slouched deeper in the tub. He relaxed in the warm water and held her slippery body more tightly. “You’re the most important thing in my life, right now, Jaehwa. I love you, I’m worried about you. Sometimes it scares me how much I care for you, how much I need to see you and hold you and talk to you. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but if you want, today, let’s go get couple rings.”
Jaehwa turned her head and kissed his jaw. “You’re such a girl sometimes.”
Yoochun smiled. “In love, I think they call it. Stars around my head, eyeballs in the shape of hearts, nosebleeds and drool.”
“Our anniversary is soon, let’s wait until then.”
Yoochun tried not to let his disappointment show. “Our anniversary is in four months.”
“Four months seems to be a lucky time length in our relationship.”
“You’re right. Okay. Should we go get some breakfast?”
“No. I’m not hungry. I still feel sick.”
“With what you were consuming last night, I’m not surprised.”
Her body stiffened. After a moment, she said, “L-last night … I …”
“You already apologized.”
“I know, but … I …” She let out a breath, and then slipped her hand under the water. Fingers curled around his wrist and Yoochun held his breath.
“Reach above your head,” she whispered. “The pink bottle.”
Yoochun tilted his head back and grabbed the bottle from the shower shelf. Water resistant lube. He swallowed and handed it to her.
“Keep this hand right here,” she said, still whispering and put his hand on the lowest part of her stomach that could be her stomach, right above her penis. He spread his fingers, added pressure, and she let him go. With a sigh, she lowered her body and lifted a leg to the edge of the tub. She held up the bottle and Yoochun held out his hand. She dumped it right on his fingers, lots of it, and Yoochun licked his lips.
“Finger me,” she said, offered, asking if he would, with his hand where it was.
Yoochun dipped his hand under the water, around her leg and his fingers easily found the curve of her ass. He slipped one and then two around her entrance and slowly pushed in his middle finger.
“Oh, fuck,” she whimpered and bent her knee, so her leg was hooked on Yoochun’s arm. It was hard to move like this, with one hand unable to move and the other trying to move slowly.
“A-another, please.”
Yoochun pressed in a second finger, spun them and twirled them.
The warmth of her dick brushed over his hand as it grew harder and harder.
Yoochun swallowed and moved his fingers faster, twisting and spread them. The water splashed over the side of the tub, the only sound save for Jaehwa’s heaving breathing.
“Touch me,” she said. “Please, please, touch me.”
“Jae-“
“Please, just … just a little bit.”
Yoochun bit his lip, but did as she asked. He slipped his hand down her erection, a light caress that had her hips rising into it. He did no more, not daring to actually grab it.
“Okay, okay, stop.”
Yoochun did immediately, hand going back to her stomach.
Jaehwa shut her eyes and lowered her leg. With arms on the side of the tub, she lifted her body up, readjusting and moaned as Yoochun’s fingers slipped out of her.
“T-trade me places.”
They made a bigger mess as Jaehwa went to the back of the tub, and Yoochun moved behind her. She planted her hands on the edged and turned her head.
“Fuck me.”
Yoochun slipped his fingers back inside her body. The muscles pulsed and clenched around him. He pulled them out, added lube to his hand and stroked his cock until it was hard.
“You don’t want me,” she said, pouting at his dick.
“Yes, I do.” He slipped the head up and down the cleft and she moaned, lowering her head. She folded her arms and laid her cheek against her wet skin. Weak bubbles slipped down her shoulders.
Yoochun put his hand on her lower back, held his dick steady and pushed into her slowly. She wasn’t prepped enough and there wasn’t quite enough lube.
Jaehwa moaned, chest bowing down, knees spread as much as the tub would allow. Yoochun pulled out, transferring his hands to her hips. The water splashed around them and onto the tile as Yoochun settled into a rhythm. It didn’t last long though.
Jaehwa’s back arched, hitching and through the soft splashing, he heard a little whimper.
Yoochun immediately stilled and pulled away from her. Leaning over her body, he kissed her shoulder and said, “We should go back to bed.”
She turned her face, eyes red. “No, I …”
“You are not enjoying this, and I can’t enjoy it if you don’t.” She opened her mouth but he said, “No. Don’t make some snide comment about not enjoying sex with you. I think I’ve proven that I do. Now come on.”
He stood up, and Jaehwa glanced at his dick. He was barely hard, and that was going away quickly. He pulled the plug on the tub, threw the shower curtain around and then held out his hands.
Jaehwa looked at them for a moment, still crying and then let him pull her to her feet.
Yoochun wrapped his arms around her, holding her while the tub emptied. He turned the shower on, and then ran his hands all over her body to rinse off the bubbles and soap from the tub.
After he was done, he shut the shower off and stepped out first, grabbing her pink robe. He held it open for her, and shaking, she stepped out of the tub and into it.
“Go to bed,” Yoochun whispered, lips against her temple. “Go to bed and lay on your stomach and I will be there in two minutes. Okay?”
She bit her lip and nodded. “O-okay.”
Yoochun waited until she was out the door and then picked up the closest towel and threw it across the room in frustration. It hit the wall and landed on the ground with barely a noise. Not nearly as satisfying as punching the mirror and watching it shatter, or splintering the door under his fist, but it would have to do. He clenched the counter top, knuckles white and glared at himself in the mirror.
Why did he put up with this? Why did he try so hard, only to have Jaehwa push his efforts away, or rip them to pieces as well as his heart? Why didn’t he do what she said and just leave now, because it sure as hell would be easier leaving now than later, after they’re settled together. After they’re … married. Maybe.
God, he wanted to marry her. Buy a house and get a dog and wake up with her in his arms every single fucking day.
Sometimes he wondered what it would have been like if he had just walked away. Found out she was a guy and left it at that. Would he be dating someone else, would he be so deeply in love that his heart ached like it was aching right now?
Yoochun turned away from his reflection, leaning against the cupboard. He put his face in his hands and knew that he wouldn’t have been happy without Jaehwa. No one had ever made him as happy as Jaehwa did. He’d probably still be a roaming bachelor, talking about finding love, but never actually possessing it. And he’d probably wonder how Jaehwa was and maybe go see her … no. He … if he had run away from her at the beginning, he wouldn’t have been man enough to see her again.
With one more sigh, he turned around and picked up the towel he’d thrown. He used it to wipe down a few water droplets and then wrapped it around his waist. He crouched, opened the bottom cabinet and found some of the vanilla lotion that Jaehwa loved. He left the bathroom and went to Jaehwa’s room.
She was as he asked, on her stomach. The robe was hanging from a chair.
Yoochun wondered if she thought he wanted her like that because that’s how they first had sex.
Well, he’d show her why. He discarded the towel and climbed up on the bed until he straddled her waist. Her hips rose, ass pushing up against his body, and he shook his head, clearing it of lust. He dumped the lotion on his hands, spread it around and then put his hands on her back, rubbing the lotion in.
She moaned, arms spreading and Yoochun pressed harder, massaging the muscles of her shoulders. He added more lotion and moved the massage lower. He loosened knots and tension and moved all over, hands and fingers and fists, pushing and twisting, rubbing and caressing.
“I do my best to show you I love you,” Yoochun said. “I do everything I can to show you that I want to be with you and that I care. But if you don’t want me … no, wait. Let me rephrase that, if you can’t let me love you … well, then-it won’t stop me from loving you, or wanting to be with you.”
Jaehwa buried her face in her arms and started crying.
Yoochun made sure the lotion on his hands had absorbed and lay over her, head by hers, hands around her hip.
“I-I don’t understand w-why you love me,” Jaehwa finally whispered.
“Love doesn’t need an explanation, and yes, I know I sound like a corny anime right now, but it doesn’t. I love you. Everything about you to your eyes and your personality and yes, even your penis. And the reason why is because if it wasn’t for that, if it wasn’t for you being born in a wrong body, then you wouldn’t be who you are. You’re strong and confident. You’re independent and on your way to a successful career. You haven’t let this thing get in your way of who you are. You’ve stood up for yourself and what you believe. You defied your father-forgive me for saying this-as an only son, and you did not do what he and society expected of you as Jaejoong, because you knew that you weren’t Jaejoong, even if they didn’t see it. And you still love your family, you love your sisters and their children. You love so fiercely that sometimes it’s scary to be on the other end of that love. I know you love me, Jaehwa. I know you do. You just have to understand and accept that I love you with the same ferocity.”
Jaehwa turned her head, and her eyes were so red, tears trailing on her cheeks. Yoochun moved his head and pressed their lips together.
“I love you for who you are, Jaehwa. I always have, and I always will.”
Jaehwa put her arms around his shoulder and they pressed together. She gasped on his shoulder, trying to control herself, and Yoochun held her, rubbed her back and kissed her head.
“I love you,” she whispered, “god, I love you. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Yoochun replied. He pushed her away softly and ran his hand over her cheek. “And if you have any doubt about that, then let me reassure them by asking if you want to drink some tea, eat vegetables for lunch and watch movies all day.”
Jaehwa smiled widely and then laughed, hugging him close. “I love you.”
Yoochun held her, inhaled the scent of her hair and the vanilla lotion. The words caught in his throat as his heart filled with so much love that he wondered why he wasn’t bursting into pieces.
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Junsu staggered into the apartment at about two in the afternoon. Sans Changmin.
“Where’s your boytoy?” Jaehwa asked.
“School,” Junsu answered as he came into the living room. He saw them sitting on the couch, watching “Princess Diaries”, and shook his head, “Is Yoochun in trouble again?”
“Nope,” Jaehwa said, snuggling closer to Yoochun. “It was his idea.”
Junsu snorted.
Yoochun tilted his head back to meet his eyes. “I had to prove to her that I love her.”
“The best way to show a woman you love her is to watch sappy movies with her?”
“And drink fruity tea,” Yoochun said and held up his mug with bright pink liquid in it.
Junsu laughed. “Oh man, you are so, so, so in love.”
“That’s what I keep telling her.”
“Shut up, you’re making me miss it,” Jaehwa said.
“God forbid, you’ve seen this movie eighty times.”
Jaehwa’s phone rang, and she reached for it on the coffee table. She bit her lower lip, staring at the display and then answered it.
“Annyeong, noona,” she whispered.
Yoochun froze, and he saw Junsu out of the corner of his eye looking at Jaehwa intently.
“Yes, noona … that will be okay … I work all day tomorrow, until eight … yes, noona … I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Jaehwa put the phone back on the coffee table, turned around on the couch and buried herself in Yoochun’s arms.
“Jae-“ Junsu started, but Yoochun shook his head, holding her tightly.
Junsu frowned and then moved to them. He kneeled in front of the couch, and put his arms around Jaehwa from behind. Her breath hitched, and then she gasped Junsu kissed her cheek.
Yoochun adjusted and put one of his arms around Junsu, holding both of them tightly. Yoochun was pretty sure that his life with Jaehwa wasn’t going to be any less complicated than it was, but it was taking a long time for him and for her to find that balance with each other.
He wondered again if it was worth it, if Jaehwa was right and it would be better to end it now than to have it hurt five times as much tomorrow. When he blinked, a tear fell down his cheek, and he knew that it wouldn’t be any easier now than later. He was so committed and so in love with this girl that there wasn’t anything else to do but support her and cherish her and help her understand how beautiful she really was.
“Wow,” Junsu whispered and wiped at Yoochun’s cheek. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry before.”
Yoochun couldn’t reply around the tightness in his throat. He shut his eyes and leaned his head on Jaehwa’s. Lips pressed against his cheek. Definitely not Jaehwa’s, and he smiled when they lingered for longer than was strictly necessary for a comforting kiss.
“You’re a good man, Yoochun,” Junsu whispered. “Even if I thought you were nothing more than a playboy intent on using Jaehwa and then running away. But you surprised me, and I’m glad.”
They stayed like that for only a little bit longer and then Junsu stood up. He pressed a kiss to Jaehwa’s head and then went to the kitchen. Yoochun heard him ordering take out from Jaehwa’s favorite ramen shop.
“Will you come to the café tomorrow?” Jaehwa whispered.
Yoochun thought about the classes he was going to miss. Oh well, he could do the readings and take notes on the chapters and email his teachers. He nodded and tightened his arms around her. “Of course. I told you I would, and I’ll sit there all day, through your whole shift, so I can be there to support you.”
“Thank you, Chunnie-love.”
Yoochun smiled widely at the new nickname and kissed her forehead.
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Part 15: The Visit
Part 13: The Close Call
Part 12: The Meeting
Part 11: The Progress
Part 10: The Reset
Part 9: The Support | Part 8: The Situation | Part 7: The Promise | Part 6: The Conflict | Part 5: The Setback | Part 4: The Date | Part 3: The Wait | Part 2: The Talk | Part 1: The Secret
.
Pairing: Yoochun/Jaehwa (Changmin/Junsu, Yunho/Heechul, past Yunho/Jaehwa)
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: They aren't mine to play with.
Summary: Jaehwa is one of the prettiest girls Yoochun has ever met. Yoochun isn't sure how to react when he finds out that Jaehwa is a girl in her mind, but she has the body of a man. Does that change who she is?
Warnings: Transgender!Jaejoong
A/N: Before you start reading, I suggest you familiarize yourself with Gender Identity Disorder. I personally think calling it a disorder is bullshit. There is a lot of controversy over this topic.
If you have questions, or you want to discuss this topic with others, go here: http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/40030.html (you have to be a member of the community, go here to join http://be-dell-addict.livejournal.com/)
A/N Part 2: This fic is dedicated to willowwing because she has gone to great lengths to make her most recent fic realistic, and I hope that I have taken this topic and done the same. And she loves JaeChun, so it's a JaeChun.
Part 14: The Reassurance
Yoochun woke up with his head pounding and his stomach churning. Sleep seemed so far away, and now the sun tried to blare through the curtains.
He rolled over, arm automatically searching for his girlfriend, but it fell on cold blankets.
With that, he knew he had to get up. He probably could go back to sleep, eyes shut tightly, head on her soft, citrus smelling pillow, but it wouldn’t be for awhile, and the concern for her after last night would eat at him. Any other day and he’d lie there, relaxing, until Jaehwa came back to bed.
Yoochun got out of bed, slipped on his jeans and padded out of the room. The rest of the apartment was dark, save for a sliver of light coming from under the bathroom door. He headed there and rapped on the door.
Jaehwa didn’t answer, so he knocked again. After waiting for a few more seconds, Yoochun grew worried and tried the door. It opened and he stepped into the humid room.
Jaehwa was in the bathtub, body covered in bubbles. Her long hair was pulled up and she had earbuds in. Yoochun knew she was listening to classical music, because if it had been anything with lyrics, she’d be singing.
He used the toilet, back toward her, and then slipped out of his jeans. Carefully, he lifted a leg over the side of the tub.
Jaehwa’s eyes flew open as he settled in on the opposite side. Her ipod fell into the tub with a plop.
“Fuck! Shit!” she shouted, quickly pulling it out.
“Oops,” Yoochun said. “Sorry. I’ll buy you a new one.”
Jaehwa grinned and shook it. “I waterproofed this one after destroying four of them in six months the same way. It should be okay.”
Yoochun chuckled and held out his hand.
Jaehwa pulled out the earbuds and let the whole thing clatter to the tile floor. She slid over, turning so her back was to his front. He put his arms around her and pressed a kiss below his ear.
“I’m sorry I was such a mess yesterday.”
Yoochun hummed and whispered that it was all right.
“But it’s not!”
“And you said you’d try to be better, so it is.”
“I don’t know how to be different.”
“Talking to me helps.”
“I know.”
“Talking to Junsu helps. Talking to anyone helps.”
Jaehwa sighed. “Do you really think this new therapist is okay?”
“Yes. I like Doctor Lee. She’s not trying to convince you that you’re a boy.”
“But I am.”
Yoochun sighed. “Are you really? You can tell me that after all this, after all the shit you went through growing up and what you go through now, that you’re a boy?”
Jaehwa chewed on her lower lip, and then lightly shook her head. “No. I-I’m not a boy. If I was, I think my life would be a lot easier.”
Yoochun smiled and slouched deeper in the tub. He relaxed in the warm water and held her slippery body more tightly. “You’re the most important thing in my life, right now, Jaehwa. I love you, I’m worried about you. Sometimes it scares me how much I care for you, how much I need to see you and hold you and talk to you. I don’t want to be presumptuous, but if you want, today, let’s go get couple rings.”
Jaehwa turned her head and kissed his jaw. “You’re such a girl sometimes.”
Yoochun smiled. “In love, I think they call it. Stars around my head, eyeballs in the shape of hearts, nosebleeds and drool.”
“Our anniversary is soon, let’s wait until then.”
Yoochun tried not to let his disappointment show. “Our anniversary is in four months.”
“Four months seems to be a lucky time length in our relationship.”
“You’re right. Okay. Should we go get some breakfast?”
“No. I’m not hungry. I still feel sick.”
“With what you were consuming last night, I’m not surprised.”
Her body stiffened. After a moment, she said, “L-last night … I …”
“You already apologized.”
“I know, but … I …” She let out a breath, and then slipped her hand under the water. Fingers curled around his wrist and Yoochun held his breath.
“Reach above your head,” she whispered. “The pink bottle.”
Yoochun tilted his head back and grabbed the bottle from the shower shelf. Water resistant lube. He swallowed and handed it to her.
“Keep this hand right here,” she said, still whispering and put his hand on the lowest part of her stomach that could be her stomach, right above her penis. He spread his fingers, added pressure, and she let him go. With a sigh, she lowered her body and lifted a leg to the edge of the tub. She held up the bottle and Yoochun held out his hand. She dumped it right on his fingers, lots of it, and Yoochun licked his lips.
“Finger me,” she said, offered, asking if he would, with his hand where it was.
Yoochun dipped his hand under the water, around her leg and his fingers easily found the curve of her ass. He slipped one and then two around her entrance and slowly pushed in his middle finger.
“Oh, fuck,” she whimpered and bent her knee, so her leg was hooked on Yoochun’s arm. It was hard to move like this, with one hand unable to move and the other trying to move slowly.
“A-another, please.”
Yoochun pressed in a second finger, spun them and twirled them.
The warmth of her dick brushed over his hand as it grew harder and harder.
Yoochun swallowed and moved his fingers faster, twisting and spread them. The water splashed over the side of the tub, the only sound save for Jaehwa’s heaving breathing.
“Touch me,” she said. “Please, please, touch me.”
“Jae-“
“Please, just … just a little bit.”
Yoochun bit his lip, but did as she asked. He slipped his hand down her erection, a light caress that had her hips rising into it. He did no more, not daring to actually grab it.
“Okay, okay, stop.”
Yoochun did immediately, hand going back to her stomach.
Jaehwa shut her eyes and lowered her leg. With arms on the side of the tub, she lifted her body up, readjusting and moaned as Yoochun’s fingers slipped out of her.
“T-trade me places.”
They made a bigger mess as Jaehwa went to the back of the tub, and Yoochun moved behind her. She planted her hands on the edged and turned her head.
“Fuck me.”
Yoochun slipped his fingers back inside her body. The muscles pulsed and clenched around him. He pulled them out, added lube to his hand and stroked his cock until it was hard.
“You don’t want me,” she said, pouting at his dick.
“Yes, I do.” He slipped the head up and down the cleft and she moaned, lowering her head. She folded her arms and laid her cheek against her wet skin. Weak bubbles slipped down her shoulders.
Yoochun put his hand on her lower back, held his dick steady and pushed into her slowly. She wasn’t prepped enough and there wasn’t quite enough lube.
Jaehwa moaned, chest bowing down, knees spread as much as the tub would allow. Yoochun pulled out, transferring his hands to her hips. The water splashed around them and onto the tile as Yoochun settled into a rhythm. It didn’t last long though.
Jaehwa’s back arched, hitching and through the soft splashing, he heard a little whimper.
Yoochun immediately stilled and pulled away from her. Leaning over her body, he kissed her shoulder and said, “We should go back to bed.”
She turned her face, eyes red. “No, I …”
“You are not enjoying this, and I can’t enjoy it if you don’t.” She opened her mouth but he said, “No. Don’t make some snide comment about not enjoying sex with you. I think I’ve proven that I do. Now come on.”
He stood up, and Jaehwa glanced at his dick. He was barely hard, and that was going away quickly. He pulled the plug on the tub, threw the shower curtain around and then held out his hands.
Jaehwa looked at them for a moment, still crying and then let him pull her to her feet.
Yoochun wrapped his arms around her, holding her while the tub emptied. He turned the shower on, and then ran his hands all over her body to rinse off the bubbles and soap from the tub.
After he was done, he shut the shower off and stepped out first, grabbing her pink robe. He held it open for her, and shaking, she stepped out of the tub and into it.
“Go to bed,” Yoochun whispered, lips against her temple. “Go to bed and lay on your stomach and I will be there in two minutes. Okay?”
She bit her lip and nodded. “O-okay.”
Yoochun waited until she was out the door and then picked up the closest towel and threw it across the room in frustration. It hit the wall and landed on the ground with barely a noise. Not nearly as satisfying as punching the mirror and watching it shatter, or splintering the door under his fist, but it would have to do. He clenched the counter top, knuckles white and glared at himself in the mirror.
Why did he put up with this? Why did he try so hard, only to have Jaehwa push his efforts away, or rip them to pieces as well as his heart? Why didn’t he do what she said and just leave now, because it sure as hell would be easier leaving now than later, after they’re settled together. After they’re … married. Maybe.
God, he wanted to marry her. Buy a house and get a dog and wake up with her in his arms every single fucking day.
Sometimes he wondered what it would have been like if he had just walked away. Found out she was a guy and left it at that. Would he be dating someone else, would he be so deeply in love that his heart ached like it was aching right now?
Yoochun turned away from his reflection, leaning against the cupboard. He put his face in his hands and knew that he wouldn’t have been happy without Jaehwa. No one had ever made him as happy as Jaehwa did. He’d probably still be a roaming bachelor, talking about finding love, but never actually possessing it. And he’d probably wonder how Jaehwa was and maybe go see her … no. He … if he had run away from her at the beginning, he wouldn’t have been man enough to see her again.
With one more sigh, he turned around and picked up the towel he’d thrown. He used it to wipe down a few water droplets and then wrapped it around his waist. He crouched, opened the bottom cabinet and found some of the vanilla lotion that Jaehwa loved. He left the bathroom and went to Jaehwa’s room.
She was as he asked, on her stomach. The robe was hanging from a chair.
Yoochun wondered if she thought he wanted her like that because that’s how they first had sex.
Well, he’d show her why. He discarded the towel and climbed up on the bed until he straddled her waist. Her hips rose, ass pushing up against his body, and he shook his head, clearing it of lust. He dumped the lotion on his hands, spread it around and then put his hands on her back, rubbing the lotion in.
She moaned, arms spreading and Yoochun pressed harder, massaging the muscles of her shoulders. He added more lotion and moved the massage lower. He loosened knots and tension and moved all over, hands and fingers and fists, pushing and twisting, rubbing and caressing.
“I do my best to show you I love you,” Yoochun said. “I do everything I can to show you that I want to be with you and that I care. But if you don’t want me … no, wait. Let me rephrase that, if you can’t let me love you … well, then-it won’t stop me from loving you, or wanting to be with you.”
Jaehwa buried her face in her arms and started crying.
Yoochun made sure the lotion on his hands had absorbed and lay over her, head by hers, hands around her hip.
“I-I don’t understand w-why you love me,” Jaehwa finally whispered.
“Love doesn’t need an explanation, and yes, I know I sound like a corny anime right now, but it doesn’t. I love you. Everything about you to your eyes and your personality and yes, even your penis. And the reason why is because if it wasn’t for that, if it wasn’t for you being born in a wrong body, then you wouldn’t be who you are. You’re strong and confident. You’re independent and on your way to a successful career. You haven’t let this thing get in your way of who you are. You’ve stood up for yourself and what you believe. You defied your father-forgive me for saying this-as an only son, and you did not do what he and society expected of you as Jaejoong, because you knew that you weren’t Jaejoong, even if they didn’t see it. And you still love your family, you love your sisters and their children. You love so fiercely that sometimes it’s scary to be on the other end of that love. I know you love me, Jaehwa. I know you do. You just have to understand and accept that I love you with the same ferocity.”
Jaehwa turned her head, and her eyes were so red, tears trailing on her cheeks. Yoochun moved his head and pressed their lips together.
“I love you for who you are, Jaehwa. I always have, and I always will.”
Jaehwa put her arms around his shoulder and they pressed together. She gasped on his shoulder, trying to control herself, and Yoochun held her, rubbed her back and kissed her head.
“I love you,” she whispered, “god, I love you. I love you.”
“I love you, too,” Yoochun replied. He pushed her away softly and ran his hand over her cheek. “And if you have any doubt about that, then let me reassure them by asking if you want to drink some tea, eat vegetables for lunch and watch movies all day.”
Jaehwa smiled widely and then laughed, hugging him close. “I love you.”
Yoochun held her, inhaled the scent of her hair and the vanilla lotion. The words caught in his throat as his heart filled with so much love that he wondered why he wasn’t bursting into pieces.
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Junsu staggered into the apartment at about two in the afternoon. Sans Changmin.
“Where’s your boytoy?” Jaehwa asked.
“School,” Junsu answered as he came into the living room. He saw them sitting on the couch, watching “Princess Diaries”, and shook his head, “Is Yoochun in trouble again?”
“Nope,” Jaehwa said, snuggling closer to Yoochun. “It was his idea.”
Junsu snorted.
Yoochun tilted his head back to meet his eyes. “I had to prove to her that I love her.”
“The best way to show a woman you love her is to watch sappy movies with her?”
“And drink fruity tea,” Yoochun said and held up his mug with bright pink liquid in it.
Junsu laughed. “Oh man, you are so, so, so in love.”
“That’s what I keep telling her.”
“Shut up, you’re making me miss it,” Jaehwa said.
“God forbid, you’ve seen this movie eighty times.”
Jaehwa’s phone rang, and she reached for it on the coffee table. She bit her lower lip, staring at the display and then answered it.
“Annyeong, noona,” she whispered.
Yoochun froze, and he saw Junsu out of the corner of his eye looking at Jaehwa intently.
“Yes, noona … that will be okay … I work all day tomorrow, until eight … yes, noona … I’ll see you tomorrow.”
Jaehwa put the phone back on the coffee table, turned around on the couch and buried herself in Yoochun’s arms.
“Jae-“ Junsu started, but Yoochun shook his head, holding her tightly.
Junsu frowned and then moved to them. He kneeled in front of the couch, and put his arms around Jaehwa from behind. Her breath hitched, and then she gasped Junsu kissed her cheek.
Yoochun adjusted and put one of his arms around Junsu, holding both of them tightly. Yoochun was pretty sure that his life with Jaehwa wasn’t going to be any less complicated than it was, but it was taking a long time for him and for her to find that balance with each other.
He wondered again if it was worth it, if Jaehwa was right and it would be better to end it now than to have it hurt five times as much tomorrow. When he blinked, a tear fell down his cheek, and he knew that it wouldn’t be any easier now than later. He was so committed and so in love with this girl that there wasn’t anything else to do but support her and cherish her and help her understand how beautiful she really was.
“Wow,” Junsu whispered and wiped at Yoochun’s cheek. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen you cry before.”
Yoochun couldn’t reply around the tightness in his throat. He shut his eyes and leaned his head on Jaehwa’s. Lips pressed against his cheek. Definitely not Jaehwa’s, and he smiled when they lingered for longer than was strictly necessary for a comforting kiss.
“You’re a good man, Yoochun,” Junsu whispered. “Even if I thought you were nothing more than a playboy intent on using Jaehwa and then running away. But you surprised me, and I’m glad.”
They stayed like that for only a little bit longer and then Junsu stood up. He pressed a kiss to Jaehwa’s head and then went to the kitchen. Yoochun heard him ordering take out from Jaehwa’s favorite ramen shop.
“Will you come to the café tomorrow?” Jaehwa whispered.
Yoochun thought about the classes he was going to miss. Oh well, he could do the readings and take notes on the chapters and email his teachers. He nodded and tightened his arms around her. “Of course. I told you I would, and I’ll sit there all day, through your whole shift, so I can be there to support you.”
“Thank you, Chunnie-love.”
Yoochun smiled widely at the new nickname and kissed her forehead.
-|\|\-|-/|/|-
Part 15: The Visit
Part 13: The Close Call
Part 12: The Meeting
Part 11: The Progress
Part 10: The Reset
Part 9: The Support | Part 8: The Situation | Part 7: The Promise | Part 6: The Conflict | Part 5: The Setback | Part 4: The Date | Part 3: The Wait | Part 2: The Talk | Part 1: The Secret
.