FIC: The Sound of Silence (for queenriley) - R
Title: The Sound of Silence
Author: theladymore
A Gift For: Queenriley
Rating: R
Warnings: Bullying over a disability
Pairings: Clint/Natasha, Brief Mention of Pepper/Tony
Summary/Prompt Used: After the standoff with Loki, Clint tells Natasha a secret that has long burdened him
Authors Notes: Its a combination of two of her prompts..so I hope you enjoy it! Ps. Thank you so much for the prompt it was a bit of a catharsis for me dealing with my own learning disability so I am glad I was given this prompt enjoy!
Banner by frea_o
He doesn't know what is going on. He was trapped inside his own mind screaming for help. Everything was quiet all too quiet. It was an all too familiar feeling. A feeling like a fish out of the water flailing to get back in the sea....he was helpless...
Natasha watches cautiously leaning against the doorway as Clint walks over to Loki trapped now behind steal bars. She was very hesitant when her partner expressed his wish to allow him to speak with the thing that had "unmade" him. If there was one thing she knew about Agent Clint Barton. He was usually a calm man, even when effectively striking out his targets with a bow and arrow. But when he was angry he was terrifying. Just as terrifying as Bruce.
She remembers the one incident where she was captured....beaten so hard by her captors. Clint was so angry at the sight he snapped the ringleader's neck with his bare hands. It was the first time she saw him like that, killing in the same manner she used to before coming to S.H.I.E.L.D. It certainly wasn't the last. But she remembered saying to herself she didn't want to see it again.
"Ah Agent Barton," Loki said, "my loyal hound it's a pleasure to see you again....but I do not wish to speak with you."
Clint smirks trying to show defiance to his enemy. She always admired that about him. Even when temporarily broken by his enemies, when he meets them again he tries his hardest to show that he is still standing on his feet.
"Tough luck," Clint said folding his arms, "we're talking." He pauses for a moment before furrowing his brow, "I just want to know why."
"Are you deaf Agent Barton?" Loki snaps leaning against the bars, "I said I wished not to speak with you."
Clint now tenses as his arms move from their folded position to his sides. Natasha doesn't exactly know why that is...but he often doesn't take too well to jokes about deafness and inefficient hearing. More recently Tony made a simple joke when Bruce was speaking lowly by responding "hello I can't hear you! I think I may be deaf speak up." Clint had responded by throwing water in Tony's face before sprinting off. She didn't press on the issue on why Clint reacted so harshly but she assumes he may have had a deaf member in his family.
"Oh wait," Loki finally says breaking the silence, "I forgot...I know everything about you Agent Barton...more than your precious Agent Romanoff does. I've been inside your head I already know the answer." He pauses and looks at Natasha eyes dark with mischief. "Agent Romanoff did he ever tell you he was indeed...deaf."
"Shut up," Clint says his voice beginning to crack now. Natasha cant believe it! It cant be true! He didn't seem to have that problem as he was always sharp. But the signs began to become clear....Clint tapping his ears every time he couldn't understand something, the sensitivity to the jokes...and now this. Clint's body is shaking vigorously as his shoulders tense...it was true it was all true
"Oh yes the mighty hawk so sharp and so cunning," Loki taunts, "can't hear a word you say with out those little machines in his ears...why don't you tell her agent...tell her about how you were in that car when your parents died. Tell her how the doctors told you that head injury you sustained caused permanent hearing loss. Tell her how weak you truly are...or how still to this day you think you are weak just because you're....disabled."
At that point Clint hands slide through the bars and grabs Loki by the throat squeezing hard. Despite losing air, the god is laughing echoes bouncing off the walls.
"YOU BASTARD!" Clint shouts, Natasha is sprinting over to the scuffle as fast as her feet can carry her. She manages with all her strength to rip him away. He struggles violently in her grip as she pulls him out of the room and into the hallway. "LET GO OF ME."
There are spectators watching with wide eyes wondering what was going on.
"There is nothing to see," Natasha growls.
She needs to get him somewhere away from peering eyes and to get answers.
He waited on line to get lunch. Back then his hearing aids were more noticeable and despite teachers efforts to get his classmates to understand what was going on caused a lot of whispers. Suddenly a hand touched him on the shoulder. He turned his head ever so slightly to see one of his classmates mouth something pretending like he couldn't hear it disregarding the fact he had the hearing aids on. He rolled his eyes and faced front. "CAN YOU HEAR ME LOSER!" It screamed it his ear. The loud noise cause the aids to make a horrible sound. He falls to the floor holding his ears as the students around him laugh hysterically.
The moment Natasha leads Clint into her quarters she lets him go. He falls to the floor and begins to sob as she quickly kneels in front of him. He has told himself over and over again that he wouldn't let the man who "unmade" him get the final laugh. It didn't seem to be the case this time. Now Natasha knew the secret he has hidden from almost everyone except for a select few.
He wonders what she thinks of him now. He knows this changes everything.She probably will never look at him the same again, always wondering if his hearing aids were working right asking questions. He never wanted it to go this far between them, he wanted it to remain them being partners who slept with each other occasionally...now....there was no turning back.
"How long," she asks.
Clint lifts his head, eyes filled with tears. He watches as her hand lifts to wipe his tears.
"I can't," he says.
"Clint," she says bluntly, "you how remember that time you forced me that soft side."
He can not help but smirk at the memory. He had always seen her as this tough assassin ready and he had challenged her saying there was not an affectionate side. She showed him how wrong he was by tenderly caring for him after being battered during a particular mission. She tended to his wounds and gave him a warm bath. He enjoyed it though...Nat had threatened to kill him if he mentioned it especially Tony.
"You owe me" she says resting her hands on his arms.
The frown appears again he takes a deep breath. There is no hiding from her now.
"When I was 13 my parents were driving me home from a baseball game," Clint says his voice cracking at the memory, "it was late at night and my team just won the playoffs, dad despite he hated driving me to kingdom come always supported me on it...I was so excited when suddenly mom screamed the next thing I knew my head slammed hard against something and everything faded to black..."
He woke up in a hospital bed. He was groggy and confused. His head throbbed. But there was something wrong. If he was in a hospital....wouldn't he hear the sounds of the hustle and bustle. Instead he heard.....barely anything. Only a faint sound of a monitor.
His eyes frantically searched the room. Where was mom, dad and Barney? His eyes stopped at the sight of his brother, eyes filled with tears. Barney opened his mouth saying something but nothing came out. The older boy ran to the door to get the doctor...but he started to panic.
"BARNEY!" He screamed he barely heard the sound of his own voice, "Why can't I hear! Why can't I hear!"
"The Doctors told me when I hit my head during the accident," Clint said twiddling his thumbs, "I damaged a crucial part of the brain that affected my hearing. I wasn't completely deaf. But enough to get hearing aids."
He sighs and looks at Nat. She takes both of his hands in his own and squeezes them tight.
"I never got over it," he continues, "it was difficult to cope it considering my chaotic life after my parents death. Barney and I were split into two foster homes, I switched schools and kids my age taunted me....so I chose to hide it....I mean Phil knew, Nick knew because of the background check they had on me when I came to S.H.I.E.L.D...but were able to overlook that because of my skills. Even gave me speciality hearing aids....but I didn't think everyone else would be as acceptive of me or I will tell them and they will think differently of me."
She takes his face in her hands, staring directly into his eyes. She often does this as a comforting gesture and most times it works.
"I don't."
Clint raises an eyebrow. He shouldn't really be surprised at Natasha's statement..but for some reason since this is the secret that tormented him for years...there is shock coursing through his body.
"You are an extraordinary man Clint Barton," she says "you do realize being Deaf hasn't stopped you from being a sharp and cunning..."
She's right. He begins to remember the things that changed after becoming deaf. He had become sharper and sometimes...when he turned off the hearing aids...he was able to concentrate solely by sight and touch. It was those same skills that became his ticket into S.H.I.E.L.D and helped him to master the art of archery.
"I want to show you something," he says reaching for his hearing aids buried deep within his ears and setting them to mute making his world almost silent again. He sees Natasha mouth out something but he barely hears her enough when he stands taking her in his arms and carrying her into bed.
He waited with baited breath as Phil Coulson looked over his file. The hearing aids enabled him to hear the sounds of Coulson's impressed hums. Finally the file was placed flat on the table.
"Impressive set of skills Mr. Barton," Coulson said folding his hands in front of him, "I do have a question..it says an accident made you hearing impaired..."
He opened his mouth to come to his defense. He wanted a job where he could good for the world and make people safe. But job after job had turned him down because of his disability. Joining S.H.I.E.L.D was his last chance to achieve this dream.
"I'm not finished," Coulson continued, "do you have anything that aids you through it."
"I have hearing aids sir," He answered immediately.
"Then it shouldn't be a problem....welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D...Agent Barton."
He raises an eyebrow.
"Wait you overlooking the fact I'm deaf?"
"Of course I am...you have the skills...we don't care about your history here as long as it doesn't affect your job there won't be any problem."
Natasha lays her head on his heaving naked chest. Clint doesn't hear her breathe instead he feels the sensation of her warm breath on his skin. It is calm and quiet as his eyes become heavy. He takes in this sense of peace for a few moments before it is interrupted by Natasha touching his face.
"Can you hear me?" She mouths. Over the years he had trained himself to have the ability. Most of the time he was able to successfully decipher what the other party was saying but it still takes practice which is why his hands move to power the hearing aids again.
"Now I can," He says moving his hand back to trace patterns around her breasts.
"It's amazing how much you can much you can concentrate when the hearing aids are off."
It fades to silence once again. He is almost tempted to turn off the sound again, but she lifted her head again.
"Now that you told me this...are you going to tell the others?" She asks.
He makes a deep sigh.
"No" he simply says, "for now only you know."
"Clint, I felt the same way talking about my past in the red room to you and to others...but once I did I felt so much better....I was...free."
"I know...and one day....I will tell them...when I am ready."
Her body moved against his in an animalistic fashion. He wanted to enjoy and savor this moment because he had been waiting for this for a long time. But the noise from the city and the bed creaking began to distract him. He almost wished he can shut it out..but he realized....he could. As her head tilted up he reached to turn off the hearing aids.
In the silence his eyes were able to concentrate on her, see the way her body moved in the pale moonlight. A smile formed on his face. She had never looked as beautiful as she did that night.
"I swear to god," Clint says as he and Natasha sit at the back of the room during Tony's holiday party. They were never the type to enjoy these type of galas so they usually they stay as far out of sight as possible, "if this music gets any louder I will lose the amount of hearing I have left!"
"You're partially deaf?" a voice that Clint and Natasha immediately associate with Bruce Banner says.
Clint feels his face draining of his color as Natasha grips his hand for reassurance. Months have passed and he started to come to terms with his ailment. But it isn't enough to talk about it freely with his friends. But Bruce nods his head and sits next to his two friends.
"It's alright Barton," Bruce says, "I am not going to think any differently of you....considering my disability is the fact I can't get mad without turning into you know....the other guy."
Clint remembers what Natasha had told him about freeing himself by telling a secret that had long burdened him. He knows there is no other person who could understand better than Bruce considering his burden. He nods his head and opens his mouth to speak but Natasha taps him on the shoulder.
"Don't look now here comes Tony," She says.
Tony arrives with his usually posse. Pepper to his right gripping his arm and Steve to his left looking like he wants nothing more to go home.
"Are you guys deaf?" He says, "I've been calling you three for the past ten-"
"Yes," Clint simply says.
Tony raises an eyebrow.
"Yes as if you were adding into the joke or you're actually you know...deaf."
"Tony!" Pepper snaps.
"Yes I'm actually deaf," Clint responds in a calm manner.
Tony's usually self satisfied smirk slowly slips from his face.
"I am so sorry" He says before shifting into long speeches, "I mean I didn't know you never said anything. I mean I should have an had an idea that time you splashed water in my face after one of my jokes. But."
Steve cannot help but roll his eyes at what is witnessing.
"Tony it's fine."
"I mean there are many influential Deaf people you know like Marlee Matlin for instance...."
Clint finds it hard to keep up with Tony's rather poor yet way to redeem himself. But he doesn't have to keep up for long when Natasha thankfully distracts him by tapping him on the shoulder.
"Was that so bad?" Natasha says quietly.
Clint turns his head to her and kisses her hand gently.
"You're right," He responds as a grin forms on his face, "I do feel free."
Author: theladymore
A Gift For: Queenriley
Rating: R
Warnings: Bullying over a disability
Pairings: Clint/Natasha, Brief Mention of Pepper/Tony
Summary/Prompt Used: After the standoff with Loki, Clint tells Natasha a secret that has long burdened him
Authors Notes: Its a combination of two of her prompts..so I hope you enjoy it! Ps. Thank you so much for the prompt it was a bit of a catharsis for me dealing with my own learning disability so I am glad I was given this prompt enjoy!
Banner by frea_o
He doesn't know what is going on. He was trapped inside his own mind screaming for help. Everything was quiet all too quiet. It was an all too familiar feeling. A feeling like a fish out of the water flailing to get back in the sea....he was helpless...
Natasha watches cautiously leaning against the doorway as Clint walks over to Loki trapped now behind steal bars. She was very hesitant when her partner expressed his wish to allow him to speak with the thing that had "unmade" him. If there was one thing she knew about Agent Clint Barton. He was usually a calm man, even when effectively striking out his targets with a bow and arrow. But when he was angry he was terrifying. Just as terrifying as Bruce.
She remembers the one incident where she was captured....beaten so hard by her captors. Clint was so angry at the sight he snapped the ringleader's neck with his bare hands. It was the first time she saw him like that, killing in the same manner she used to before coming to S.H.I.E.L.D. It certainly wasn't the last. But she remembered saying to herself she didn't want to see it again.
"Ah Agent Barton," Loki said, "my loyal hound it's a pleasure to see you again....but I do not wish to speak with you."
Clint smirks trying to show defiance to his enemy. She always admired that about him. Even when temporarily broken by his enemies, when he meets them again he tries his hardest to show that he is still standing on his feet.
"Tough luck," Clint said folding his arms, "we're talking." He pauses for a moment before furrowing his brow, "I just want to know why."
"Are you deaf Agent Barton?" Loki snaps leaning against the bars, "I said I wished not to speak with you."
Clint now tenses as his arms move from their folded position to his sides. Natasha doesn't exactly know why that is...but he often doesn't take too well to jokes about deafness and inefficient hearing. More recently Tony made a simple joke when Bruce was speaking lowly by responding "hello I can't hear you! I think I may be deaf speak up." Clint had responded by throwing water in Tony's face before sprinting off. She didn't press on the issue on why Clint reacted so harshly but she assumes he may have had a deaf member in his family.
"Oh wait," Loki finally says breaking the silence, "I forgot...I know everything about you Agent Barton...more than your precious Agent Romanoff does. I've been inside your head I already know the answer." He pauses and looks at Natasha eyes dark with mischief. "Agent Romanoff did he ever tell you he was indeed...deaf."
"Shut up," Clint says his voice beginning to crack now. Natasha cant believe it! It cant be true! He didn't seem to have that problem as he was always sharp. But the signs began to become clear....Clint tapping his ears every time he couldn't understand something, the sensitivity to the jokes...and now this. Clint's body is shaking vigorously as his shoulders tense...it was true it was all true
"Oh yes the mighty hawk so sharp and so cunning," Loki taunts, "can't hear a word you say with out those little machines in his ears...why don't you tell her agent...tell her about how you were in that car when your parents died. Tell her how the doctors told you that head injury you sustained caused permanent hearing loss. Tell her how weak you truly are...or how still to this day you think you are weak just because you're....disabled."
At that point Clint hands slide through the bars and grabs Loki by the throat squeezing hard. Despite losing air, the god is laughing echoes bouncing off the walls.
"YOU BASTARD!" Clint shouts, Natasha is sprinting over to the scuffle as fast as her feet can carry her. She manages with all her strength to rip him away. He struggles violently in her grip as she pulls him out of the room and into the hallway. "LET GO OF ME."
There are spectators watching with wide eyes wondering what was going on.
"There is nothing to see," Natasha growls.
She needs to get him somewhere away from peering eyes and to get answers.
He waited on line to get lunch. Back then his hearing aids were more noticeable and despite teachers efforts to get his classmates to understand what was going on caused a lot of whispers. Suddenly a hand touched him on the shoulder. He turned his head ever so slightly to see one of his classmates mouth something pretending like he couldn't hear it disregarding the fact he had the hearing aids on. He rolled his eyes and faced front. "CAN YOU HEAR ME LOSER!" It screamed it his ear. The loud noise cause the aids to make a horrible sound. He falls to the floor holding his ears as the students around him laugh hysterically.
The moment Natasha leads Clint into her quarters she lets him go. He falls to the floor and begins to sob as she quickly kneels in front of him. He has told himself over and over again that he wouldn't let the man who "unmade" him get the final laugh. It didn't seem to be the case this time. Now Natasha knew the secret he has hidden from almost everyone except for a select few.
He wonders what she thinks of him now. He knows this changes everything.She probably will never look at him the same again, always wondering if his hearing aids were working right asking questions. He never wanted it to go this far between them, he wanted it to remain them being partners who slept with each other occasionally...now....there was no turning back.
"How long," she asks.
Clint lifts his head, eyes filled with tears. He watches as her hand lifts to wipe his tears.
"I can't," he says.
"Clint," she says bluntly, "you how remember that time you forced me that soft side."
He can not help but smirk at the memory. He had always seen her as this tough assassin ready and he had challenged her saying there was not an affectionate side. She showed him how wrong he was by tenderly caring for him after being battered during a particular mission. She tended to his wounds and gave him a warm bath. He enjoyed it though...Nat had threatened to kill him if he mentioned it especially Tony.
"You owe me" she says resting her hands on his arms.
The frown appears again he takes a deep breath. There is no hiding from her now.
"When I was 13 my parents were driving me home from a baseball game," Clint says his voice cracking at the memory, "it was late at night and my team just won the playoffs, dad despite he hated driving me to kingdom come always supported me on it...I was so excited when suddenly mom screamed the next thing I knew my head slammed hard against something and everything faded to black..."
He woke up in a hospital bed. He was groggy and confused. His head throbbed. But there was something wrong. If he was in a hospital....wouldn't he hear the sounds of the hustle and bustle. Instead he heard.....barely anything. Only a faint sound of a monitor.
His eyes frantically searched the room. Where was mom, dad and Barney? His eyes stopped at the sight of his brother, eyes filled with tears. Barney opened his mouth saying something but nothing came out. The older boy ran to the door to get the doctor...but he started to panic.
"BARNEY!" He screamed he barely heard the sound of his own voice, "Why can't I hear! Why can't I hear!"
"The Doctors told me when I hit my head during the accident," Clint said twiddling his thumbs, "I damaged a crucial part of the brain that affected my hearing. I wasn't completely deaf. But enough to get hearing aids."
He sighs and looks at Nat. She takes both of his hands in his own and squeezes them tight.
"I never got over it," he continues, "it was difficult to cope it considering my chaotic life after my parents death. Barney and I were split into two foster homes, I switched schools and kids my age taunted me....so I chose to hide it....I mean Phil knew, Nick knew because of the background check they had on me when I came to S.H.I.E.L.D...but were able to overlook that because of my skills. Even gave me speciality hearing aids....but I didn't think everyone else would be as acceptive of me or I will tell them and they will think differently of me."
She takes his face in her hands, staring directly into his eyes. She often does this as a comforting gesture and most times it works.
"I don't."
Clint raises an eyebrow. He shouldn't really be surprised at Natasha's statement..but for some reason since this is the secret that tormented him for years...there is shock coursing through his body.
"You are an extraordinary man Clint Barton," she says "you do realize being Deaf hasn't stopped you from being a sharp and cunning..."
She's right. He begins to remember the things that changed after becoming deaf. He had become sharper and sometimes...when he turned off the hearing aids...he was able to concentrate solely by sight and touch. It was those same skills that became his ticket into S.H.I.E.L.D and helped him to master the art of archery.
"I want to show you something," he says reaching for his hearing aids buried deep within his ears and setting them to mute making his world almost silent again. He sees Natasha mouth out something but he barely hears her enough when he stands taking her in his arms and carrying her into bed.
He waited with baited breath as Phil Coulson looked over his file. The hearing aids enabled him to hear the sounds of Coulson's impressed hums. Finally the file was placed flat on the table.
"Impressive set of skills Mr. Barton," Coulson said folding his hands in front of him, "I do have a question..it says an accident made you hearing impaired..."
He opened his mouth to come to his defense. He wanted a job where he could good for the world and make people safe. But job after job had turned him down because of his disability. Joining S.H.I.E.L.D was his last chance to achieve this dream.
"I'm not finished," Coulson continued, "do you have anything that aids you through it."
"I have hearing aids sir," He answered immediately.
"Then it shouldn't be a problem....welcome to S.H.I.E.L.D...Agent Barton."
He raises an eyebrow.
"Wait you overlooking the fact I'm deaf?"
"Of course I am...you have the skills...we don't care about your history here as long as it doesn't affect your job there won't be any problem."
Natasha lays her head on his heaving naked chest. Clint doesn't hear her breathe instead he feels the sensation of her warm breath on his skin. It is calm and quiet as his eyes become heavy. He takes in this sense of peace for a few moments before it is interrupted by Natasha touching his face.
"Can you hear me?" She mouths. Over the years he had trained himself to have the ability. Most of the time he was able to successfully decipher what the other party was saying but it still takes practice which is why his hands move to power the hearing aids again.
"Now I can," He says moving his hand back to trace patterns around her breasts.
"It's amazing how much you can much you can concentrate when the hearing aids are off."
It fades to silence once again. He is almost tempted to turn off the sound again, but she lifted her head again.
"Now that you told me this...are you going to tell the others?" She asks.
He makes a deep sigh.
"No" he simply says, "for now only you know."
"Clint, I felt the same way talking about my past in the red room to you and to others...but once I did I felt so much better....I was...free."
"I know...and one day....I will tell them...when I am ready."
Her body moved against his in an animalistic fashion. He wanted to enjoy and savor this moment because he had been waiting for this for a long time. But the noise from the city and the bed creaking began to distract him. He almost wished he can shut it out..but he realized....he could. As her head tilted up he reached to turn off the hearing aids.
In the silence his eyes were able to concentrate on her, see the way her body moved in the pale moonlight. A smile formed on his face. She had never looked as beautiful as she did that night.
"I swear to god," Clint says as he and Natasha sit at the back of the room during Tony's holiday party. They were never the type to enjoy these type of galas so they usually they stay as far out of sight as possible, "if this music gets any louder I will lose the amount of hearing I have left!"
"You're partially deaf?" a voice that Clint and Natasha immediately associate with Bruce Banner says.
Clint feels his face draining of his color as Natasha grips his hand for reassurance. Months have passed and he started to come to terms with his ailment. But it isn't enough to talk about it freely with his friends. But Bruce nods his head and sits next to his two friends.
"It's alright Barton," Bruce says, "I am not going to think any differently of you....considering my disability is the fact I can't get mad without turning into you know....the other guy."
Clint remembers what Natasha had told him about freeing himself by telling a secret that had long burdened him. He knows there is no other person who could understand better than Bruce considering his burden. He nods his head and opens his mouth to speak but Natasha taps him on the shoulder.
"Don't look now here comes Tony," She says.
Tony arrives with his usually posse. Pepper to his right gripping his arm and Steve to his left looking like he wants nothing more to go home.
"Are you guys deaf?" He says, "I've been calling you three for the past ten-"
"Yes," Clint simply says.
Tony raises an eyebrow.
"Yes as if you were adding into the joke or you're actually you know...deaf."
"Tony!" Pepper snaps.
"Yes I'm actually deaf," Clint responds in a calm manner.
Tony's usually self satisfied smirk slowly slips from his face.
"I am so sorry" He says before shifting into long speeches, "I mean I didn't know you never said anything. I mean I should have an had an idea that time you splashed water in my face after one of my jokes. But."
Steve cannot help but roll his eyes at what is witnessing.
"Tony it's fine."
"I mean there are many influential Deaf people you know like Marlee Matlin for instance...."
Clint finds it hard to keep up with Tony's rather poor yet way to redeem himself. But he doesn't have to keep up for long when Natasha thankfully distracts him by tapping him on the shoulder.
"Was that so bad?" Natasha says quietly.
Clint turns his head to her and kisses her hand gently.
"You're right," He responds as a grin forms on his face, "I do feel free."