Fic: It's the Wrong Word (love) Rating: PG (2/3)cybermathwitchAugust 9 2012, 01:23:49 UTC
They're both facing the windows - the glass walls reflect back their ghosts. Clint doesn't have to turn around to see the expression on Steve's face or the set of his shoulders as he mirrors Clint's stance - feet hip distance apart, arms loose, hands in his pockets because that's less formal than behind the back at parade rest. Military trying not to be military anymore, that's them.
"Stand what?"
"Watching... her. Them. When she-"
Ah. Clint thinks, zeroing in on Steve's meaning. He'd protested that part of the plan earlier and Clint and Natasha had both shut him down. The seduction angle played better, and had the least chance for loss of life, so they'd run with it. They'd been in agreement about it and Steve had been on the verge of real anger and Clint doubts it was because they'd bucked his attempt at authority.
"You expect me to be jealous, don't you?"
Steve's eyes widen. "Of course I do. We're not blind, we all know the two of you are together. I've seen the way-" he hesitates, like he's wondering how much to admit to. "Sometimes, I catch you looking at her, once I saw her looking at you, and I saw the way she was during... Loki. That. I mean- sorry," he finally manages, because except for Tony (who always pokes the elephant in the room) Clint's time with Loki isn't discussed by anyone.
"Don't apologize, Captain. You're not wrong about us. Except that you are." He'd learned cryptic from the best, after all. "Watching her work doesn't bother me."
"You love her." Steve states flatly. "And don't try to deny it, or explain it away like Natasha did when he threw it in her face. I know you do, because I can see it. I'm not blind, and despite what Tony likes to imply, I'm not stupid."
There are moments in Clint's life when he realizes that the way he normally does things won't work. It's not some kind of change-your-ways epiphany, it's just a sense that in this one instance, this one time, the accepted way of doing things is the wrong way and to get the job done he needs to do what is entirely uncharacteristic, even inadvisable. He had one of those moments in a hotel in Paris when he came face to face with a haunted woman who was going to let him pull the trigger, and he's having a similar moment now.
He's never regretted that day in Paris, and he hopes he won't regret this.
"Cap, love is the wrong word. You think we don't use it because we're scared to? Like it's some 'final line' we haven't been willing to cross that will make it all 'real'?"
Steve doesn't speak, but his face says yes, that's exactly what he's thinking.
"That's not it at all. We don't call it love because that's the wrong word. It's the wrong shape for this thing between us. People talk about holding each others hearts. She doesn't have my heart, Captain. She has my soul. And I willingly gave it to her."
Natasha might not approve. Well, there's no "might not". She wouldn't. He doesn't even say this stuff to her even though they both know it's true. He struggles for a minute with why he feels the need to tell him, and finally settles on a cold, hard truth.
They've accepted this team, this job, this new life. Steve is their defacto leader and he needs to know all the information to make the best decisions. If it ever comes to the point that he has to ask one of them to make a sacrificial play, he needs to know where their limits and loyalties lie, what he can and cannot ask of them.
"If this is supposed to explain why you're not jealous..." Steve starts again, clearly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is taking.
"Stand what?"
"Watching... her. Them. When she-"
Ah. Clint thinks, zeroing in on Steve's meaning. He'd protested that part of the plan earlier and Clint and Natasha had both shut him down. The seduction angle played better, and had the least chance for loss of life, so they'd run with it. They'd been in agreement about it and Steve had been on the verge of real anger and Clint doubts it was because they'd bucked his attempt at authority.
"You expect me to be jealous, don't you?"
Steve's eyes widen. "Of course I do. We're not blind, we all know the two of you are together. I've seen the way-" he hesitates, like he's wondering how much to admit to. "Sometimes, I catch you looking at her, once I saw her looking at you, and I saw the way she was during... Loki. That. I mean- sorry," he finally manages, because except for Tony (who always pokes the elephant in the room) Clint's time with Loki isn't discussed by anyone.
"Don't apologize, Captain. You're not wrong about us. Except that you are." He'd learned cryptic from the best, after all. "Watching her work doesn't bother me."
"You love her." Steve states flatly. "And don't try to deny it, or explain it away like Natasha did when he threw it in her face. I know you do, because I can see it. I'm not blind, and despite what Tony likes to imply, I'm not stupid."
There are moments in Clint's life when he realizes that the way he normally does things won't work. It's not some kind of change-your-ways epiphany, it's just a sense that in this one instance, this one time, the accepted way of doing things is the wrong way and to get the job done he needs to do what is entirely uncharacteristic, even inadvisable. He had one of those moments in a hotel in Paris when he came face to face with a haunted woman who was going to let him pull the trigger, and he's having a similar moment now.
He's never regretted that day in Paris, and he hopes he won't regret this.
"Cap, love is the wrong word. You think we don't use it because we're scared to? Like it's some 'final line' we haven't been willing to cross that will make it all 'real'?"
Steve doesn't speak, but his face says yes, that's exactly what he's thinking.
"That's not it at all. We don't call it love because that's the wrong word. It's the wrong shape for this thing between us. People talk about holding each others hearts. She doesn't have my heart, Captain. She has my soul. And I willingly gave it to her."
Natasha might not approve. Well, there's no "might not". She wouldn't. He doesn't even say this stuff to her even though they both know it's true. He struggles for a minute with why he feels the need to tell him, and finally settles on a cold, hard truth.
They've accepted this team, this job, this new life. Steve is their defacto leader and he needs to know all the information to make the best decisions. If it ever comes to the point that he has to ask one of them to make a sacrificial play, he needs to know where their limits and loyalties lie, what he can and cannot ask of them.
"If this is supposed to explain why you're not jealous..." Steve starts again, clearly uncomfortable with the direction the conversation is taking.
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