Guilt in BDSM
As a top, guilt has been my constant enemy. Psychology, the church, popular media… our culture at large tells us pretty point-blank that you’re sick if you like inflicting pain on someone else; if you enjoy having absolute power over them; if you enjoy degrading them. These things are bad - never mind if the other person wants and even asks for them. And as another mental barrier for men, a man should never hit a woman under any circumstances. It’s cowardly; it’s weak; it’s deplorable. So society tells us.
Of course, I’m not the only one that struggles with this, and it’s not limited by any means to males or sadists. My own bottom feels guilty for asking for pain. My friend Clarisse went through guilt and horror and shame when she realized that she was into BDSM. For bottoms, there is the stigma that only crazy people want pain, and for female bottoms there are additional stigma - you’re reinforcing an abusive stereotype, you’re going against everything feminists have worked to give you, etc. Man, don’t get me started on that feminist one. Feminism is about equality and women having the same choices men do, so maybe not all women want to be doctors and corporate raiders, dig? Damnit, I got started. Okay, reeling it in.
In any case, I find that this often is a barrier to play at home. As if leading busy lives with often-conflicting schedules weren’t enough (which is worthy of a post on its own), she feels like she’s bugging me if she asks for a spanking, and I feel like an Evil Guy (in a bad way) if I tell her I want to give her one.
But in the dungeon, or at a club, that’s not the case. Maybe part of it is that in those places I’m more in uniform. Maybe it’s just that I associate BDSM activities with those places, so it’s easier to get into my headspace. Maybe it’s less of a jump than it is at home - the difference between transitioning from watching television to spanking, versus leading her to a bench and bending her over it.
My mentor has made a few suggestions to overcome this, and we’re trying some things to see what works for us (for example, “I think I’m going to go to bed early,” usually equals, “I want to play (or have sex); follow me if you do too.”).
Originally published at BDSM Weblog. You can comment here or there.