Work. Workworkwork.
For some reason recently, I've become more and more disenfranchised with work. I think part of it is that I'm done Shades of Gray -- and I've realized that writing isn't just what I do, it's... who I am, if you can read that as un-cheesily as possible. The only thing I've ever been this passionate about - or even close to - has been music, and there're huge differences there. I can't see myself ever wanting to do music professionally -- those who do, I have the utmost respect for. There's too much pressure; everything has to be perfect every time. Writing, while there's still pressure and things need to end up being amazing and I'm still terrified about actually being good enough... I can push through. Everyone goes through this, and if I'm not good enough yet, I will be. And that's an attitude I've never had about music.
I'm not sure how much stock anyone else puts in dreams, but the way that I understand dreams is that it's a way for your subconscious to make itself known, at the very least. If you're worried about life changing on you, your dreams will be about huge changes (like the obvious marriage/death, but personally I tend to have dreams about becoming a werewolf, because apparently my brain is a teenager); if you're worried about finances, your brain is a dick and you dream about winning the lottery or going bankrupt. The easiest way to dream about something is to actively try not to think about it before going to bed. Why yes, that is my favourite factoid I learned in University and that's why I repeat it constantly why do you ask?
So, I've had recurring dreams (the first of which I could swear I posted here, but I can't bloody find it) about me at about 32-33. They're really boring slice-of-life dreams, honestly, which is why I don't post them. But things like -- I have a decent-sized house that I (am pretty sure I) own, I have a kid who I'm pretty sure I adopted because I also have a husband. It's pretty much where I'd love to be in a decade. :P But the thing that is important about it is that I'm also a writer - that's how I bring in my share of the household income. I have no idea what his job is (I know he's out of the house in the mornings, because I usually drive my kid to school), but I'm at home all day and working on another novel. So there's that. It'll be interesting to see how real!me ends up synching up with dream!me, but at the very least -- that's part of 'where I want to be in a decade'. Living comfortably as a writer.
Blargh. I mean -- work is great, it's flexible hours, low pressure, good pay and amazing benefits, but I've spent the last six months being all ambitious about it, trying to work my way into the company so much that it'd be impossible for me to lose the job security. Don't get me wrong; I know how fucking amazing it is that I have a great job with security and benefits (and even if they *do* fire me, the severance package they have to give me is large enough that I could find something). But I'm looking at the next year and realizing that I'm making motions towards moving into Sales and then further.. and blanching, wondering why I want to do that when... y'know, that's not what I want to do with my life. :\
Blah blah money is less important than enjoyment etc etc. I've said it all before - it was part of the reason I decided to go into teaching just before the end - but I seem to have done exactly the opposite. While I still like my job, I don't know if I'll enjoy Sales at all. And the salary increase is huge, but I don't know if it's worth the stress increase. I'm not miserable now by any means, and while I think I'd be happier if I was making my living as a writer... most people who write probably would be. :P Maybe if Shades of Gray somehow takes off as the hot new series. I dunno. :|
So then this is where these two things come together: I've been (day)dreaming a lot about just saying 'fuck it' and looking for freelance work. I... have a feeling I shouldn't do that, especially considering I'm pulling more than half the financial weight in the apartment, have a kitten, have the Quest coming up... Yeah, way too much financially to bear on an unstable job. And way too much debt already to do it anyway. (Though I'm hoping that won't be applicable by the end of the year. I'm paying it off slowly each month, but I really hope my litigation comes back with a big cheque for me. :\ I'm not counting on it, but it'd be nice.
This ramble... kind of served its purpose, I guess? Idk. I only realized partway through the ramble that the best option right now is to try to stick to the mailroom (or, actually, maybe I can do half mailroom half sales/using my life license. I should bring that up; it'd also mean that I could transition without too much stress on the department). So there's that.
Yay, knowing what I want to do in life? Now I just need to... actually make it happen.