Unpacking Fat.
I've been meaning to write this post for a while, and so it's likely going to end up kind of rambly, as a warning!
Okay, so. To start out: I am overweight (whatever that actually means). I pretty frequently get "Oh, stop it, no you're not" and similar when I say it, but even for my own body, I've been a lazy jerk recently and haven't been exercising or treating myself properly with what food I eat. That's stopping now -- I've started a challenge to do at least 20 minutes of exercise a day, and I'm trying to push myself for 30, and exercising more helps with my mood, which makes me eat properly and all that good stuff -- but it's been true for long enough that I've definitely got a belly, and there're some clothes that I honestly don't really fit anymore. (And, I mean -- I wear Medium shirts and 32" waist pants. I'm not obese, by any means; if more of my wardrobe was Large/34" then I would likely not care quite as much.)
Lately I've been hearing a lot about Fat Acceptance and HAES (Health At Every Size). It's kind of awesome, because it's advocating self-love instead of self-hate, and honestly, knowing that the whole thing about there being different body shapes/sizes is awesome, because that's not "with fat/without fat", that's "naturally skinny/naturally fat". To, uh, simplify to the nth degree.
I've been doing my best to try and love myself the way I am. Seeing people's reactions to pictures that I post is awesome and most definitely helpful, because I know that most of the people are being genuine about it! That's part of why I started the NSFW filter -- I want to post more without feeling too narcissistic about it, and like I'm forcing people to look at me? I dunno. But hearing the responses really helps.
Also the last boy I dated, the one I am currently hopelessly hung up on. He made it very clear that he likes guys with a bit of extra weight, and him telling me that I'm gorgeous was pretty obviously genuine. I had a bit of trouble with the concept that I was being found attractive for my weight instead of despite of, but honestly, it's nice. I know others are similar -- I've talked to a few of you about it -- but being in a sort-of-relationship with someone who felt that way was nice, especially after the gigantic mess that was gay!Ryan.
For background on that mess: he was another sortofrelationship; we dated pretty much exclusively for four or five months, I think, but he was stupidly busy with school and was a bit of a dick, and eventually I was able to just (mostly) put him aside. (I've still had him over a couple times for a night, but we both know there's nothing going on between us anymore.)
The biggest problem (beyond him needing a bit of a lesson in 'No means no, not 'ask again in five minutes'') was that he was a little overweight as well, and made sure we were both fixated on losing weight.
Aaand that was when I had an ED for a while. Not for too long, thank the gods -- it got too impossible to hide after a while, and I talked to [only] a couple people about it, and figured some things out. But that would likely be the low point in this entire thing; I had a period of about three months or so where I wasn't really swallowing anything after breakfast. I lost a lot of weight, got tons of compliments, absolutely hated myself some more, and then realized that that's really not the way to do things and that it wasn't helping. But the mentality -- fat is bad, I should really have a chiseled 6-pack because that means that I'm healthy, etc -- is still there, and it's still incorrect.
My Mom is also a huge problem with this -- every time I go over there, she manages to make some snide comment. "What happened to going to the gym?" "I thought you said you were eating properly." "Have you been ordering in too much?" etc, etc. I've told her off a couple times, but she's "just looking out for me", among other concern-trolly things.
And, I mean -- media, media, media. I want to look like the people who I find attractive... who are the topless models, of course. And there isn't much I can do about that, I suppose -- though thankfully my idea of beauty has shied away from the stick-thin waist; it just looks unnatural to me now. (Seriously, if you look like a wasp, that... looks weird.)
I'm not really sure where all this is going, if anywhere beyond "I'm getting healthy again, and trying to be okay with still being chubby once I am healthy instead of starving myself or killing myself working out", but. Here, have rambling!
Okay, so. To start out: I am overweight (whatever that actually means). I pretty frequently get "Oh, stop it, no you're not" and similar when I say it, but even for my own body, I've been a lazy jerk recently and haven't been exercising or treating myself properly with what food I eat. That's stopping now -- I've started a challenge to do at least 20 minutes of exercise a day, and I'm trying to push myself for 30, and exercising more helps with my mood, which makes me eat properly and all that good stuff -- but it's been true for long enough that I've definitely got a belly, and there're some clothes that I honestly don't really fit anymore. (And, I mean -- I wear Medium shirts and 32" waist pants. I'm not obese, by any means; if more of my wardrobe was Large/34" then I would likely not care quite as much.)
Lately I've been hearing a lot about Fat Acceptance and HAES (Health At Every Size). It's kind of awesome, because it's advocating self-love instead of self-hate, and honestly, knowing that the whole thing about there being different body shapes/sizes is awesome, because that's not "with fat/without fat", that's "naturally skinny/naturally fat". To, uh, simplify to the nth degree.
I've been doing my best to try and love myself the way I am. Seeing people's reactions to pictures that I post is awesome and most definitely helpful, because I know that most of the people are being genuine about it! That's part of why I started the NSFW filter -- I want to post more without feeling too narcissistic about it, and like I'm forcing people to look at me? I dunno. But hearing the responses really helps.
Also the last boy I dated, the one I am currently hopelessly hung up on. He made it very clear that he likes guys with a bit of extra weight, and him telling me that I'm gorgeous was pretty obviously genuine. I had a bit of trouble with the concept that I was being found attractive for my weight instead of despite of, but honestly, it's nice. I know others are similar -- I've talked to a few of you about it -- but being in a sort-of-relationship with someone who felt that way was nice, especially after the gigantic mess that was gay!Ryan.
For background on that mess: he was another sortofrelationship; we dated pretty much exclusively for four or five months, I think, but he was stupidly busy with school and was a bit of a dick, and eventually I was able to just (mostly) put him aside. (I've still had him over a couple times for a night, but we both know there's nothing going on between us anymore.)
The biggest problem (beyond him needing a bit of a lesson in 'No means no, not 'ask again in five minutes'') was that he was a little overweight as well, and made sure we were both fixated on losing weight.
Aaand that was when I had an ED for a while. Not for too long, thank the gods -- it got too impossible to hide after a while, and I talked to [only] a couple people about it, and figured some things out. But that would likely be the low point in this entire thing; I had a period of about three months or so where I wasn't really swallowing anything after breakfast. I lost a lot of weight, got tons of compliments, absolutely hated myself some more, and then realized that that's really not the way to do things and that it wasn't helping. But the mentality -- fat is bad, I should really have a chiseled 6-pack because that means that I'm healthy, etc -- is still there, and it's still incorrect.
My Mom is also a huge problem with this -- every time I go over there, she manages to make some snide comment. "What happened to going to the gym?" "I thought you said you were eating properly." "Have you been ordering in too much?" etc, etc. I've told her off a couple times, but she's "just looking out for me", among other concern-trolly things.
And, I mean -- media, media, media. I want to look like the people who I find attractive... who are the topless models, of course. And there isn't much I can do about that, I suppose -- though thankfully my idea of beauty has shied away from the stick-thin waist; it just looks unnatural to me now. (Seriously, if you look like a wasp, that... looks weird.)
I'm not really sure where all this is going, if anywhere beyond "I'm getting healthy again, and trying to be okay with still being chubby once I am healthy instead of starving myself or killing myself working out", but. Here, have rambling!