VACA
I passed the hell out last night. At like 8:15. I was waiting for Eureka to come on and just fell asleep in the most uncomfortable position. I got up around 10:30 and got into bed properly, where I slept joyfully until the horridly early time of 5:30(ish)...time to get up. Damn dog scared the crap out of me this morning too, as she bounded on to my bed. God, I can't wait for her to lose a little of her puppiness.
So here I am, sitting at work at 7:stupid early o'clock. I can't make calls because it's so early, and everything else is kind of in limbo. SO, guess what I'm going to do? Oh yeah...write about vacation! I know we're all waiting with bated breath, right? yeah...
DAY 1: Wednesday, August 9 - I went to work today, not that I did anything. I whiled away the morning, went to lunch, then left at 2ish when Ryan came to pick me up...then off we headed to Fort Lauderdale and the Westin Diplomat (ok, Hollywood, whatever). We were both so freaking excited to get on the road and get the F out of dodge. 2 FREAKING WEEKS! The drive went rather quickly, as we listened to some VERY gay dance music the entire trip. We got to the hotel and went to check-in. The crazy Armenian lady at the desk wondered why we hadn't checked in the day prior, apparently my lovely friend Heather had put us in for 2 nights rather than just the one. Whatever. Got the keys & went up to the 27th floor to our PHENOM corner suite. Now, I've become accustomed to fabulous hotel suites, and this one certainly ranked up there. Foyer, parlor, dining room, bedroom, HUGE ass bathroom, and the clincher for me: a 40+ foot wraparound balcony. Lovely. I could live there. 880 sq ft, I think. And the chaise was TDF. Anyway, we got psuedo-settled & went to meet Heather for cocktails. I had an interesting martini: key lime light rum (light as in low-calorie) and tab energy. Fanfrikkintastic. It was great catching up with Heather, whom I hadn't seen in quite some time. She was prepping to move to DC. A few drinks & light bites later, we bid my friend adieu and headed up to the executive club for another cocktail. Beautiful views of the city & the ocean. We were going to go to Cathode Ray, but why bother when you have such a fabulous room to party in? Thus, I commenced to my goal of emptying the mini bar of any alcoholic beverage it provided (an expensive foray, I might add). The goodies my girl Anissa had sent with us made certain that despite what or how much we drank out of the fridge, we never got drunk. I think it was crushed crack. Ridiculous. But the moon was gorge and full. A great start to it all...
DAY 2 - Thursday, August 10 - Bitch ass Ryan got up and ordered breakfast without even asking me. Like I wouldn't be hungry. It's not my fault that he passed the F out on the chaise, while I sprawled across the California King Heavenly bed.... Bitter. Nevertheless, I packed my shit back into my over-loaded suitcase and listened to my tummy growl at the aromas of pancakes and syrup...that I didn't get any of. Whoreface shitbag from hell. HA! God love him. He SAID he tried to wake me and all I did was make a horrible face, but come on...after 13 years or so, don't you think you could figure out what I would eat for breakfast? We finally ambled down to check out (we had to leave PRECISELY at 12pm [check-out time] or apparently the room police would have arrested us...or so he thought) and began our journey to the port. All I wanted was food...even McfrigginDonalds (I wouldn't eat for SEVERAL more hours). We stopped at this scary Walgreens to get some grape vodka to take on board and ran into some nasty people, which I will spare the details...this is getting to verbose already, methinks. I hadn't been on a cruise in years, so this whole check-in process was very strange to me, and not clearly communicated. Ok, nay strange, say STUPID. Regardless, we get on board, get to the room, pop open the champagne that had been gifted by my RC rep, and begin relaxing. Ryan wanted to "skip-out" on the muster drill, but I made him go to avoid his being kicked off the f'ing boat. Besides, we got to stand next to HOT guy. The rest of the day was uneventful, we sailed out to sea headed for Key West, played slots in the casino where I won a couple hundred on my Wheel of Fortune, and drank heavily. I think I mixed martinis, tequila, and beer that night. Frightening. Met this guy who looked like Adrian Grenier (Vince, Entourage) - he was nice & I ran into him several times every day. Sexy bitch. Sigh... But we were on a ship full of straights...WHERE the fuck is the gay bar at sea??? or at least cruisy cruising... ;)
DAY 3 - Friday, August 11 - We arrived at port in Key West at 7am. I awoke at, oh, 11:15am. Oh, my head. Ryan had already gone to the salon to have his hair cut, and ended up being suckered in to an $85 collagen facial. We decided since we had to reboard by 1:30, there was no use strolling off the boat (I would have, but alas), so we went to eat on board. Later, we left KW headed for Cozumel. Had dinner at Chops (the nicer steakhouse on board). I had a lackluster loin of lamb with green pea and corn puree. Interesting. There were 2 fags at the table next to us, one of whom I thought was SO cute at first, but got strangely less attractive the longer we sat there. They were seemingly shady. We would meet them later on in the cruise. After dinner, Ryan wanted dessert. I don't ordinarily take dessert, instead opting for a nice glass of port. Between the cute little waitress and Ryan's guilt-tripping, I decided to do both. I have no idea what dessert I ordered, I only took like 3 bites. Not that it was bad, but I didn't need to eat more. I sipped my port and watched Ryan's nose curl as he took a sip. It was ok...definitely not the best glass I've had, but a nice one. When the bill arrived, I got railed about ordering a GD $15 tiny glass of wine and how utterly fucking ridiculous that was. Good God, are you kidding? ...talk about foreshadowing.... I may not be as frugal as I should, but I certainly try to enjoy myself. Later, we went to the show which was actually quite good -- a stage/screen musical revue which featured songs/dance from Sweet Charity, Little Shop, Chicago, Hairspray, and others. It was fun and I proudly sang along like a good gay. And yes, I was the only one -- everyone else seem less than impressed by this show...but they were trash anyway, so what did I care? Have another martini. Yes, please. Two.
DAY 4 - Saturday, August 12 - Cozumel. Awoke at 11ish (why do you sleep the whole day away?!?) and got ready for our excursion to Playa Mia. After near death in a cab, relaxing on the beach was great. The water felt fantastic and we went snorkeling around the pieces of the underwater "Mayan city". I went waverunning for an hour and had a blast jumping way the hell up. After a few hours of beach, we headed into town and walked around some shops. Got suckered into one shop that had a great selection of pipes. I eyed a beautiful black & white marble piece, and told the guy if he could get me something to fill it, I would buy it. Deal. Then he tried to sell me bracelets. I don't really need any more, so he tried to sell to Ryan -- who for being so, ahem, frugal, certainly doesn't know how to tell someone a definitive NO, especially for not even wanting the fucking thing (he can't even say no to a beggar). So this crazy Mexican dude takes us on a trail to find an ATM, because Ryan's card won't work...and it doesn't ANYWHERE. I watch him flip out and get frustrated to all hell that no one spoke English -- which he loudly verbalized his disgust with. THAT was funny...watching your friend freak out about his credit card in Mexico while yelling about no one speaking English....I sipped a Modelo and enjoyed the show. All this in Carlos & Charlie's whilst waiting for crazy dude, who returned shortly thereafter with goodies. But not the kind I wanted. We bought it anyway, and it was mild compared to the previous batch. Mellow, but it made me talk a LOT. So here I was with a $65 marble pipe and nothing to put in it. It's now about 6:35 and all aboard is at 7. We rushed to get a cab and headed back to the ship. Ryan, thinking the boat was going to close its doors and leave promptly at 7, practically ran down the dock, yelling at me for not walking quickly enough. That was funny too. He kept saying how he had just lived his nightmare. I find it interesting that I find others' nightmares so incredibly amusing. That night, we enjoyed the crazy dude's stuff and the rest of the grape vodka. Then readied and went to club, where I proceeded to somehow get blitzed and dance my ass off with a bunch of crazy women...and the lead singer from the shows (HOT). Ryan went back to the cabin at some point in my haze...I don't remember going back to the cabin myself, but I was there the next morning.
DAY 5 - Sunday, August 13 - Day at Sea. Got up just in time to make my massage appointment. Cruise massages are incredibly overpriced and overrated -- just don't waste your money. It was ok, but ruined at the end when she started putting Elemis products all over my lap in a very direct sales pitch. I got quite irritated, not only that she was hard-selling me on these products, but that she ruined my "massage". Bitch. I hated her. Oh, remember how I went waverunning in Coz? Well, I was sore as all hell today. It hurt to get out of bed, to walk, and the STAIRS! Jesus, I need to exercise more. I hurt in places I didn't know I had. Sweet God. So after massage, I returned to the bed. Backing up a bit, right by the purser's desk, there's a community bulletin board -- we noticed that on a previous cruise there was a "Friends of Dorothy" meeting. Hallelujah, what an idea. There has GOT to be some fags on this ship somewhere. Well, besides those two from chops...they were practically married. Anyway, a couple nights ago, we put a note on the board for a FOD meeting for today (sunday) at 5pm. After I arose from my nap at 5pm, I got dressed and we headed up to the "meeting". Groggy and even MORE sore, I began drinking my pain away. There were 4 people whom I knew HAD to be there for that meeting, but my bitter attitude after waking made me not want to do anything but stare out the window down at the sunbathers on the deck below (GREAT eye candy!). About 20 or so minutes later, this queen bounded down the steps, accompanied by stick-in-the-ass "married" guy from Chops, loudly inquiring "Were YOU the girl that called the Friends of Dorothy meeting?" "yes" "Then WHY are you sitting over here, let's MEET!" So the 6 of us sat down, the 2 guys from the other night (who barely spoke English and FROWNED when Ryan talked about people not speaking English), and the 2 new guys who owned a couple of guest houses in Ft. Laud. We sat for about 2 hours talking and laughing, having a gay old time. We exchanged cards & left. Dinner, drinks, shopping, casino. I won more money in the Wheel of goddamned Fortune. It hurt to carry the 2 buckets of dollar coins to the window.
DAY 6 - Monday, August 14 - Return. Even though we weren't on a very long cruise, I was ready to get the hell off this boat. Luckily, we had to -- at the crack of dawn. We disembarked, went through the circles of customs, and went back to the car. Played celebrity name game the entire way back. Had the most horrible Miami Subs cheesesteak EVER on the turnpike. Got home, unpacked, did laundry, repacked. Prepared for departure to Seattle the next morning. And yes, I still hurt.
I have GOT to do some work now, or at least pretend to, so I'm out. Seattle comes next.
For a (very) few pictures of these days, click here.
So here I am, sitting at work at 7:stupid early o'clock. I can't make calls because it's so early, and everything else is kind of in limbo. SO, guess what I'm going to do? Oh yeah...write about vacation! I know we're all waiting with bated breath, right? yeah...
DAY 1: Wednesday, August 9 - I went to work today, not that I did anything. I whiled away the morning, went to lunch, then left at 2ish when Ryan came to pick me up...then off we headed to Fort Lauderdale and the Westin Diplomat (ok, Hollywood, whatever). We were both so freaking excited to get on the road and get the F out of dodge. 2 FREAKING WEEKS! The drive went rather quickly, as we listened to some VERY gay dance music the entire trip. We got to the hotel and went to check-in. The crazy Armenian lady at the desk wondered why we hadn't checked in the day prior, apparently my lovely friend Heather had put us in for 2 nights rather than just the one. Whatever. Got the keys & went up to the 27th floor to our PHENOM corner suite. Now, I've become accustomed to fabulous hotel suites, and this one certainly ranked up there. Foyer, parlor, dining room, bedroom, HUGE ass bathroom, and the clincher for me: a 40+ foot wraparound balcony. Lovely. I could live there. 880 sq ft, I think. And the chaise was TDF. Anyway, we got psuedo-settled & went to meet Heather for cocktails. I had an interesting martini: key lime light rum (light as in low-calorie) and tab energy. Fanfrikkintastic. It was great catching up with Heather, whom I hadn't seen in quite some time. She was prepping to move to DC. A few drinks & light bites later, we bid my friend adieu and headed up to the executive club for another cocktail. Beautiful views of the city & the ocean. We were going to go to Cathode Ray, but why bother when you have such a fabulous room to party in? Thus, I commenced to my goal of emptying the mini bar of any alcoholic beverage it provided (an expensive foray, I might add). The goodies my girl Anissa had sent with us made certain that despite what or how much we drank out of the fridge, we never got drunk. I think it was crushed crack. Ridiculous. But the moon was gorge and full. A great start to it all...
DAY 2 - Thursday, August 10 - Bitch ass Ryan got up and ordered breakfast without even asking me. Like I wouldn't be hungry. It's not my fault that he passed the F out on the chaise, while I sprawled across the California King Heavenly bed.... Bitter. Nevertheless, I packed my shit back into my over-loaded suitcase and listened to my tummy growl at the aromas of pancakes and syrup...that I didn't get any of. Whoreface shitbag from hell. HA! God love him. He SAID he tried to wake me and all I did was make a horrible face, but come on...after 13 years or so, don't you think you could figure out what I would eat for breakfast? We finally ambled down to check out (we had to leave PRECISELY at 12pm [check-out time] or apparently the room police would have arrested us...or so he thought) and began our journey to the port. All I wanted was food...even McfrigginDonalds (I wouldn't eat for SEVERAL more hours). We stopped at this scary Walgreens to get some grape vodka to take on board and ran into some nasty people, which I will spare the details...this is getting to verbose already, methinks. I hadn't been on a cruise in years, so this whole check-in process was very strange to me, and not clearly communicated. Ok, nay strange, say STUPID. Regardless, we get on board, get to the room, pop open the champagne that had been gifted by my RC rep, and begin relaxing. Ryan wanted to "skip-out" on the muster drill, but I made him go to avoid his being kicked off the f'ing boat. Besides, we got to stand next to HOT guy. The rest of the day was uneventful, we sailed out to sea headed for Key West, played slots in the casino where I won a couple hundred on my Wheel of Fortune, and drank heavily. I think I mixed martinis, tequila, and beer that night. Frightening. Met this guy who looked like Adrian Grenier (Vince, Entourage) - he was nice & I ran into him several times every day. Sexy bitch. Sigh... But we were on a ship full of straights...WHERE the fuck is the gay bar at sea??? or at least cruisy cruising... ;)
DAY 3 - Friday, August 11 - We arrived at port in Key West at 7am. I awoke at, oh, 11:15am. Oh, my head. Ryan had already gone to the salon to have his hair cut, and ended up being suckered in to an $85 collagen facial. We decided since we had to reboard by 1:30, there was no use strolling off the boat (I would have, but alas), so we went to eat on board. Later, we left KW headed for Cozumel. Had dinner at Chops (the nicer steakhouse on board). I had a lackluster loin of lamb with green pea and corn puree. Interesting. There were 2 fags at the table next to us, one of whom I thought was SO cute at first, but got strangely less attractive the longer we sat there. They were seemingly shady. We would meet them later on in the cruise. After dinner, Ryan wanted dessert. I don't ordinarily take dessert, instead opting for a nice glass of port. Between the cute little waitress and Ryan's guilt-tripping, I decided to do both. I have no idea what dessert I ordered, I only took like 3 bites. Not that it was bad, but I didn't need to eat more. I sipped my port and watched Ryan's nose curl as he took a sip. It was ok...definitely not the best glass I've had, but a nice one. When the bill arrived, I got railed about ordering a GD $15 tiny glass of wine and how utterly fucking ridiculous that was. Good God, are you kidding? ...talk about foreshadowing.... I may not be as frugal as I should, but I certainly try to enjoy myself. Later, we went to the show which was actually quite good -- a stage/screen musical revue which featured songs/dance from Sweet Charity, Little Shop, Chicago, Hairspray, and others. It was fun and I proudly sang along like a good gay. And yes, I was the only one -- everyone else seem less than impressed by this show...but they were trash anyway, so what did I care? Have another martini. Yes, please. Two.
DAY 4 - Saturday, August 12 - Cozumel. Awoke at 11ish (why do you sleep the whole day away?!?) and got ready for our excursion to Playa Mia. After near death in a cab, relaxing on the beach was great. The water felt fantastic and we went snorkeling around the pieces of the underwater "Mayan city". I went waverunning for an hour and had a blast jumping way the hell up. After a few hours of beach, we headed into town and walked around some shops. Got suckered into one shop that had a great selection of pipes. I eyed a beautiful black & white marble piece, and told the guy if he could get me something to fill it, I would buy it. Deal. Then he tried to sell me bracelets. I don't really need any more, so he tried to sell to Ryan -- who for being so, ahem, frugal, certainly doesn't know how to tell someone a definitive NO, especially for not even wanting the fucking thing (he can't even say no to a beggar). So this crazy Mexican dude takes us on a trail to find an ATM, because Ryan's card won't work...and it doesn't ANYWHERE. I watch him flip out and get frustrated to all hell that no one spoke English -- which he loudly verbalized his disgust with. THAT was funny...watching your friend freak out about his credit card in Mexico while yelling about no one speaking English....I sipped a Modelo and enjoyed the show. All this in Carlos & Charlie's whilst waiting for crazy dude, who returned shortly thereafter with goodies. But not the kind I wanted. We bought it anyway, and it was mild compared to the previous batch. Mellow, but it made me talk a LOT. So here I was with a $65 marble pipe and nothing to put in it. It's now about 6:35 and all aboard is at 7. We rushed to get a cab and headed back to the ship. Ryan, thinking the boat was going to close its doors and leave promptly at 7, practically ran down the dock, yelling at me for not walking quickly enough. That was funny too. He kept saying how he had just lived his nightmare. I find it interesting that I find others' nightmares so incredibly amusing. That night, we enjoyed the crazy dude's stuff and the rest of the grape vodka. Then readied and went to club, where I proceeded to somehow get blitzed and dance my ass off with a bunch of crazy women...and the lead singer from the shows (HOT). Ryan went back to the cabin at some point in my haze...I don't remember going back to the cabin myself, but I was there the next morning.
DAY 5 - Sunday, August 13 - Day at Sea. Got up just in time to make my massage appointment. Cruise massages are incredibly overpriced and overrated -- just don't waste your money. It was ok, but ruined at the end when she started putting Elemis products all over my lap in a very direct sales pitch. I got quite irritated, not only that she was hard-selling me on these products, but that she ruined my "massage". Bitch. I hated her. Oh, remember how I went waverunning in Coz? Well, I was sore as all hell today. It hurt to get out of bed, to walk, and the STAIRS! Jesus, I need to exercise more. I hurt in places I didn't know I had. Sweet God. So after massage, I returned to the bed. Backing up a bit, right by the purser's desk, there's a community bulletin board -- we noticed that on a previous cruise there was a "Friends of Dorothy" meeting. Hallelujah, what an idea. There has GOT to be some fags on this ship somewhere. Well, besides those two from chops...they were practically married. Anyway, a couple nights ago, we put a note on the board for a FOD meeting for today (sunday) at 5pm. After I arose from my nap at 5pm, I got dressed and we headed up to the "meeting". Groggy and even MORE sore, I began drinking my pain away. There were 4 people whom I knew HAD to be there for that meeting, but my bitter attitude after waking made me not want to do anything but stare out the window down at the sunbathers on the deck below (GREAT eye candy!). About 20 or so minutes later, this queen bounded down the steps, accompanied by stick-in-the-ass "married" guy from Chops, loudly inquiring "Were YOU the girl that called the Friends of Dorothy meeting?" "yes" "Then WHY are you sitting over here, let's MEET!" So the 6 of us sat down, the 2 guys from the other night (who barely spoke English and FROWNED when Ryan talked about people not speaking English), and the 2 new guys who owned a couple of guest houses in Ft. Laud. We sat for about 2 hours talking and laughing, having a gay old time. We exchanged cards & left. Dinner, drinks, shopping, casino. I won more money in the Wheel of goddamned Fortune. It hurt to carry the 2 buckets of dollar coins to the window.
DAY 6 - Monday, August 14 - Return. Even though we weren't on a very long cruise, I was ready to get the hell off this boat. Luckily, we had to -- at the crack of dawn. We disembarked, went through the circles of customs, and went back to the car. Played celebrity name game the entire way back. Had the most horrible Miami Subs cheesesteak EVER on the turnpike. Got home, unpacked, did laundry, repacked. Prepared for departure to Seattle the next morning. And yes, I still hurt.
I have GOT to do some work now, or at least pretend to, so I'm out. Seattle comes next.
For a (very) few pictures of these days, click here.