(no subject)
So yea, i really dont know what to talk about. I cant stop thinking lately, about everything. I shouldnt have expected it to last. I mean really, i was an idiot to think that it could last for more than a few weeks. And im a failure too. Seriously considering starting meds again, though, i dont know which ones, as they all kind of sucked, but, o well, doesnt matter right? On that thought, what does really matter? I mean, freinds, yea, family, yes, the people that care about you matter. But who really cares? In an ideal world, everyone does. Your parents would do anything for you, and all your freinds would take a bullet for you. I think im going to be very open, and, very, forward, with this next part, so, i apologize to some of you reading this. I really dont care about how secretive i keep things for the most part. So few people even care, i think i could count them on my hands, and they already know what i have to say, the rest i couldnt care less.
Though that pisses me off. People say, o well you say you dont care, but you do, and you know you do, because if you didnt care at all you wouldnt do it, or if you didnt care at all you would to this. I mean, what fucking gaul do you have to have to tell someone that they do or dont care, your not that fucking person who gives you the right to dictate what they think? Or theyll be like, well i dont think you should do this because i dont think youll like it and i think itll look bad and i think youll get a negative reaction from it because its different BUT, i am there beside you the whole way...Right, of course you are, your a great freind, as long as i do what you tell me, good job, you should get an award for that one. Have to make a comment on the way someone looks or is dressed or something if theyre different, because, even though on most days you wouldnt give a shit less if they showed up or not, they fact that you can see them, and they look different than you means you must comment or you must make fun of them to SOMEONE around you. Now i know i do it too, but really, why do we? I mean, its not like its you, its not like your their freind, and even if you were, its their body, its their life, if its not hurting them, let them go for it. Or of course, well go up to them and be like, hey by the way, that looks really bad, like, they did it just for you or something. Because you know, THATS WHY ANYONE DOES ANYTHING, just for YOU. People are so fucking self centered. They cant be doing something because they like it, or they want to. They must be doing it to try to get your attention, and for that reason, you should go talk to them about it, because they give a flying fuck about your opinion on what they did when on any other day of the week you wouldnt have batted an eyelash if they turned to you for a kidney.
And you know everyone does things soley for attention. If someone dresses differently, THEY WANT ATTENTION, its not because theyre comfortable, or they like it, or just because they feel like, they must be doing it soley FOR YOU so that they can get the message out that THEY WANT TO BE SEEN. My GOD people make me sick. And of course, half of you reading this will think, o well, thats not true i mean, some of them dress that way just because they want to, but, well you know eric MOST OF THEM DONT. I have only one thing to say, you give me your list of all the kids you know who dress differently that you know soley for attention, and ill give you my list of the same kind of people that do it soley because they like it. If ANYONE dresses solely for attention, its you. So you can sit comfortably and say "yay, im so cute and upscale in what ive got on, and, i have a god given right to judge what you say and do, even though i dont know you at all" So you can feel, important. Hookers, dress for attention, sluts, dress for attention, the army, dresses for attention. Granted there is the whole shock value thing. One: thats only a tiny part of it. Two: Yes, it is fun to watch the reaction. Three: No, you are not important enough that its the only reason people walk around with ear rings in black with straps and zippers everywhere, sorry, your just not that special, your just dumb enough that your easy to scare, because its fun. And again, no, your not that fucking special.
Again on the topic of attention, i was in religion, and, somehow people were talking about suicide and, some kid made a crack about how people that talked about suicide werent suicidal and were the stupid people that just OD tylenol and shit because theyre retarded. I had to laugh at the time, because in a sense i found some humor in it, though im not sure why. But i was also completely shocked and pissed off, because its so untrue, and it wasnt from someone i expected to hear something that stupid from ever. A girl got irritated and kinda half yelled for him to shutup, which, i approved of. I dont even want to get on that topic though at the moment. People at my school are so stupid for the most part. The most part. Not all, just, alot. Prejudiced? Of course. Hell, the minority races are either anti someone or anti gay. Its so pathetic. Tied as the person thats the biggest loser with someone else, well, you are now going to be taking turns making fun of eachother the whole year, for no reason other than to feel better about being a loser. They are seriously, so steriotypical and soobnoxious and so fucking narrowminded its not funny. And then of course youve got the people that are like, well, thats that one group were not like that, they suck, we dont, and its just like, wow, they said the same thing about you too, damn thats interesting. No one does anything wrong, no one is the problem, its always the other person.
Families arent what they used to be either. Thats kind of random, considering my train of thought, but, it was part of my original paragraph. They never last, and, its rather disturbing to think of what they will have come to by the time im at an age to start my own, assuming that is to happen. I miss my family. Im not saying i wish it were how it was before, because, that was miserable, or that i dont like the people in my family deep down, just that, i miss the security, of coming home and thinking anyone cares. I know they do somewhere, but, its not something you feel, unless something terribly wrong has happened, or some deep horrible truth has been revealed. It makes me understand why so many people do things solely for attention. Granted i still cant stand those people, and the fact that my littlest sister is becoming one of them is annoying the hell out of me, but hopefully its a phase. i dont know why im saying that, because, i know its not just a phase, but, i still hope that it is for some reason. I hate what hes done to her. That manipulative bastard. I hate listening to her when shes upset and crying every fucking time she comes home. It makes me mad as hell, and, it reminds me, of so many other times before, when we were younger, and before she was even born...She cant become what he wants her to be. Hed stop at nothing to get her though. Shes "his". Hes stated it quite bluntly, the other two can be my mothers, but she, is his. It makes you feel quite wanted. Its so disgusting too. It doesnt matter if he hurts her more than helps in the process as long as in the end he feels that hes reached his goal. I hate him so much. And im so afraid of becoming him. He makes me sick, and it makes me sick when i think about him, especially considering the things i think about him sometimes. And at the same time, i know he does it because he cares, and i hate that too. He thinks hes doing whats right, and, doing it because he wants whats best for her. Actually, to be honest, i dont know why the hell hes doing it, i just know that he feels he needs to, and that somewhere he does do it because he cares very much for her. Mom says that someday shes going to just, "wake up" and act like me with him, but, honestly, i dont see that day coming, and im not sure i want it to come. I dont want her to see him as i do. There is a very pale shadow of a relationship between my father and I, and i dont think I can ever get past that, which, i regret, among many other things. I do fear that she will pick up some of my other habits, though, for different reasons. I worry about what she would do for attention, and even more about what she wouldnt do for it. As she gets older i think that that list will decrease. And what is there to do? What is right? Is he right for that matter? Could it be that from all of this, i am, in the end, along with the rest of my family wrong? Is there a right at all? I dont know. I dont think it really matters though. In the end of things, we will all do what we think is best, and, coincidentally, none of us will think the same thing. Just figures though, i guess.
Im so torn right now. Im happy, im healthy, im alive. Im sad, down, and want to die. Annoying as hell. I thought the happiness would last. I dont know why it didnt, at least for longer, nothings changed really, so i dont get the change. Im so glad for my freinds and my girlfreind over and over, ive had some of the worst nights lately. Theyve helped though, always in their own way. Thought about them alot. Part of one night was trying not to cry on the phone with Julia, sad, failed in the end, i dont know why either, i dont cry. Pissed me off too. Im a failure at alot of things. Im failing at just being happy too. And i dont know why, its so fucking frustrating. I want to be, and i was, and now im not, and i dont know why. I just, keep wishing i was gone, over and over and over and over, just, not wanting to be here, and at the same time, so glad that im still here, to live, and to love, and just, to be. Im so confused. Im confused with alot right now. And so stressed by so many things that didnt bug me the same way before. Ive been sleeping with one of my lights on half the nights for the past like, two weeks, which is stupid. Spending time seperating nightmares from memories from Daycare when i was really little has made me feel like absolute shit for alot of daytime and night time for the past week or so. That whole time in general and the events surrounding it hurt so much right now, and hit home so...deeply, and i dont know why. Its just, fully hitting i guess, for the first time, and its annoying me.
I dont want to be sad either. I want to be happy, and want to help my freinds, and i want to be the person i need to be. I need to be a better brother, a better freind, a better son, a better boyfreind, a better...person, in all areas really. Im not proud of alot of things in my life, and im not confident about anything really, and im afraid of many things, but, i know that sitting doing nothing doesnt help either. I love my freinds, and family, and i know they care, but, everythings so lonely when im not with one of my friends, and i need to get past that. It feels like theyre the only ones that give a shit, and honestly, i think thats because they really are, other than my family.
I dont know, im better, and im worse, i have my good times, and recently ive had a lot of bad. I just need to work through this, like the other stuff, and hope that things go better than before, though, they havent so far, and, im failing. Im sorry.
On the same note, the times that im not down, have been very, very good times, and i know i wouldnt and couldnt have them if it werent for some people, and, i hope they can continue, and i hope that those people dont flee. I dont know what else to say, i could talk for much longer but, i really want to just go lay down somewhere.
I dont know...whatever it is will fade. Im sorry for failing so terribly. Im sorry for existing. Im sorry for getting in the way. For breathing. For annoying you with my presence. Im not sorry that i met you though. And im not sorry that i need you. Youve made my day worth getting up for...I dont know what else to say...
Though that pisses me off. People say, o well you say you dont care, but you do, and you know you do, because if you didnt care at all you wouldnt do it, or if you didnt care at all you would to this. I mean, what fucking gaul do you have to have to tell someone that they do or dont care, your not that fucking person who gives you the right to dictate what they think? Or theyll be like, well i dont think you should do this because i dont think youll like it and i think itll look bad and i think youll get a negative reaction from it because its different BUT, i am there beside you the whole way...Right, of course you are, your a great freind, as long as i do what you tell me, good job, you should get an award for that one. Have to make a comment on the way someone looks or is dressed or something if theyre different, because, even though on most days you wouldnt give a shit less if they showed up or not, they fact that you can see them, and they look different than you means you must comment or you must make fun of them to SOMEONE around you. Now i know i do it too, but really, why do we? I mean, its not like its you, its not like your their freind, and even if you were, its their body, its their life, if its not hurting them, let them go for it. Or of course, well go up to them and be like, hey by the way, that looks really bad, like, they did it just for you or something. Because you know, THATS WHY ANYONE DOES ANYTHING, just for YOU. People are so fucking self centered. They cant be doing something because they like it, or they want to. They must be doing it to try to get your attention, and for that reason, you should go talk to them about it, because they give a flying fuck about your opinion on what they did when on any other day of the week you wouldnt have batted an eyelash if they turned to you for a kidney.
And you know everyone does things soley for attention. If someone dresses differently, THEY WANT ATTENTION, its not because theyre comfortable, or they like it, or just because they feel like, they must be doing it soley FOR YOU so that they can get the message out that THEY WANT TO BE SEEN. My GOD people make me sick. And of course, half of you reading this will think, o well, thats not true i mean, some of them dress that way just because they want to, but, well you know eric MOST OF THEM DONT. I have only one thing to say, you give me your list of all the kids you know who dress differently that you know soley for attention, and ill give you my list of the same kind of people that do it soley because they like it. If ANYONE dresses solely for attention, its you. So you can sit comfortably and say "yay, im so cute and upscale in what ive got on, and, i have a god given right to judge what you say and do, even though i dont know you at all" So you can feel, important. Hookers, dress for attention, sluts, dress for attention, the army, dresses for attention. Granted there is the whole shock value thing. One: thats only a tiny part of it. Two: Yes, it is fun to watch the reaction. Three: No, you are not important enough that its the only reason people walk around with ear rings in black with straps and zippers everywhere, sorry, your just not that special, your just dumb enough that your easy to scare, because its fun. And again, no, your not that fucking special.
Again on the topic of attention, i was in religion, and, somehow people were talking about suicide and, some kid made a crack about how people that talked about suicide werent suicidal and were the stupid people that just OD tylenol and shit because theyre retarded. I had to laugh at the time, because in a sense i found some humor in it, though im not sure why. But i was also completely shocked and pissed off, because its so untrue, and it wasnt from someone i expected to hear something that stupid from ever. A girl got irritated and kinda half yelled for him to shutup, which, i approved of. I dont even want to get on that topic though at the moment. People at my school are so stupid for the most part. The most part. Not all, just, alot. Prejudiced? Of course. Hell, the minority races are either anti someone or anti gay. Its so pathetic. Tied as the person thats the biggest loser with someone else, well, you are now going to be taking turns making fun of eachother the whole year, for no reason other than to feel better about being a loser. They are seriously, so steriotypical and soobnoxious and so fucking narrowminded its not funny. And then of course youve got the people that are like, well, thats that one group were not like that, they suck, we dont, and its just like, wow, they said the same thing about you too, damn thats interesting. No one does anything wrong, no one is the problem, its always the other person.
Families arent what they used to be either. Thats kind of random, considering my train of thought, but, it was part of my original paragraph. They never last, and, its rather disturbing to think of what they will have come to by the time im at an age to start my own, assuming that is to happen. I miss my family. Im not saying i wish it were how it was before, because, that was miserable, or that i dont like the people in my family deep down, just that, i miss the security, of coming home and thinking anyone cares. I know they do somewhere, but, its not something you feel, unless something terribly wrong has happened, or some deep horrible truth has been revealed. It makes me understand why so many people do things solely for attention. Granted i still cant stand those people, and the fact that my littlest sister is becoming one of them is annoying the hell out of me, but hopefully its a phase. i dont know why im saying that, because, i know its not just a phase, but, i still hope that it is for some reason. I hate what hes done to her. That manipulative bastard. I hate listening to her when shes upset and crying every fucking time she comes home. It makes me mad as hell, and, it reminds me, of so many other times before, when we were younger, and before she was even born...She cant become what he wants her to be. Hed stop at nothing to get her though. Shes "his". Hes stated it quite bluntly, the other two can be my mothers, but she, is his. It makes you feel quite wanted. Its so disgusting too. It doesnt matter if he hurts her more than helps in the process as long as in the end he feels that hes reached his goal. I hate him so much. And im so afraid of becoming him. He makes me sick, and it makes me sick when i think about him, especially considering the things i think about him sometimes. And at the same time, i know he does it because he cares, and i hate that too. He thinks hes doing whats right, and, doing it because he wants whats best for her. Actually, to be honest, i dont know why the hell hes doing it, i just know that he feels he needs to, and that somewhere he does do it because he cares very much for her. Mom says that someday shes going to just, "wake up" and act like me with him, but, honestly, i dont see that day coming, and im not sure i want it to come. I dont want her to see him as i do. There is a very pale shadow of a relationship between my father and I, and i dont think I can ever get past that, which, i regret, among many other things. I do fear that she will pick up some of my other habits, though, for different reasons. I worry about what she would do for attention, and even more about what she wouldnt do for it. As she gets older i think that that list will decrease. And what is there to do? What is right? Is he right for that matter? Could it be that from all of this, i am, in the end, along with the rest of my family wrong? Is there a right at all? I dont know. I dont think it really matters though. In the end of things, we will all do what we think is best, and, coincidentally, none of us will think the same thing. Just figures though, i guess.
Im so torn right now. Im happy, im healthy, im alive. Im sad, down, and want to die. Annoying as hell. I thought the happiness would last. I dont know why it didnt, at least for longer, nothings changed really, so i dont get the change. Im so glad for my freinds and my girlfreind over and over, ive had some of the worst nights lately. Theyve helped though, always in their own way. Thought about them alot. Part of one night was trying not to cry on the phone with Julia, sad, failed in the end, i dont know why either, i dont cry. Pissed me off too. Im a failure at alot of things. Im failing at just being happy too. And i dont know why, its so fucking frustrating. I want to be, and i was, and now im not, and i dont know why. I just, keep wishing i was gone, over and over and over and over, just, not wanting to be here, and at the same time, so glad that im still here, to live, and to love, and just, to be. Im so confused. Im confused with alot right now. And so stressed by so many things that didnt bug me the same way before. Ive been sleeping with one of my lights on half the nights for the past like, two weeks, which is stupid. Spending time seperating nightmares from memories from Daycare when i was really little has made me feel like absolute shit for alot of daytime and night time for the past week or so. That whole time in general and the events surrounding it hurt so much right now, and hit home so...deeply, and i dont know why. Its just, fully hitting i guess, for the first time, and its annoying me.
I dont want to be sad either. I want to be happy, and want to help my freinds, and i want to be the person i need to be. I need to be a better brother, a better freind, a better son, a better boyfreind, a better...person, in all areas really. Im not proud of alot of things in my life, and im not confident about anything really, and im afraid of many things, but, i know that sitting doing nothing doesnt help either. I love my freinds, and family, and i know they care, but, everythings so lonely when im not with one of my friends, and i need to get past that. It feels like theyre the only ones that give a shit, and honestly, i think thats because they really are, other than my family.
I dont know, im better, and im worse, i have my good times, and recently ive had a lot of bad. I just need to work through this, like the other stuff, and hope that things go better than before, though, they havent so far, and, im failing. Im sorry.
On the same note, the times that im not down, have been very, very good times, and i know i wouldnt and couldnt have them if it werent for some people, and, i hope they can continue, and i hope that those people dont flee. I dont know what else to say, i could talk for much longer but, i really want to just go lay down somewhere.
I dont know...whatever it is will fade. Im sorry for failing so terribly. Im sorry for existing. Im sorry for getting in the way. For breathing. For annoying you with my presence. Im not sorry that i met you though. And im not sorry that i need you. Youve made my day worth getting up for...I dont know what else to say...