To know why the cage bird sang.
It has been 75 weeks since i have last sought out this medium as a means of self expression. Considering the fact that live journal was once considered a staple in my everyday, that some how seems weird to me now. Cup of coffee, cigarette, and a chat in live journal about all of the adventures the night before had brought us. (I say us, because it was also a medium for my wister)
I guess it is a proclamation of the way that people and situations change over the years. And how, in-spite of the best in technological advances, meshed families, and over active thresholds things pretty much stay the same. Today i work at a better Mc-job then what i did when i first began writing in this forum. I am in yet another complicated relationship that i am so stubborn on making work that it may ultimately cause it to falter. And i am here once again because i have lost touch with all the things and people that are important. I am here because the depression is ravaging through my veins like acid. Because collective tar build up and excessive coffee no longer sooth the beast. Because once again, my caged spirit has an urge to run so freaking bad that its almost popping out of my chest. Things have became so complicated. And the harder i try to "uncomplicate" them, the worse they seem to become. I have never grown content living in my skin, and it is my fear that the ripe and early age of 22 that i never will.. That self love is an intangable term that gets tossed around to sell psychology magazines. That maybe, being in your twenties is just like being a teenager. It is a plegdue that you are forced to endure. I wouldn't trade those years for anything.. And as much as I keep telling myself that i wouldn't wish them on anyone, i find myself longing to go back. I would give anything to be able to drive out to the truck stop on a moments notice at three o'clock in the morning. For no reason and without repercussion. To go home (and by home i mean one of the few places that has ever felt like home) and smoke pot under the stars and power-lines. To kiss a stranger. To drive endlessly and for hours for no apparent reason other then the lack of cable programming. I feel as if i have been reincarnated into a life belonging to someone else. I feel as if, over night, i grew into mortdages and car notes, and that there is no turning back. I know that we are suppose to move beyond our pasts and let it shape us into the people that we are today, but today seems like a complete 180. I miss so many people that i have lost touch with. I miss so many relationships that i let slip through the cracks. I miss feeling like someone needed me in order to exist. I miss being smart enough to question everything and dumb enough to not care about the answer. My twenties feel like the reality of my teenage years. The affirmation that not everyone can be a rock scientist. That not all well laid plans bare fruit. And that i cant spend the rest of my life living out of my friends guest bedroom; Working for the money to party on and tossing lovers aside like yesterdays news.
I wish i could say that today will be the day that i throw caution to the wind and start living life. That through this very rant that i will start living my life according to my terms. That this very minute, i am going to go smoke a great big joint under some enormous power lines and exhale every regret that my adult life has brought me. That i am going to hop in my car and drive until i no longer know where i am, and find my way home by intuition (not really caring if i ever make it).. I would like to say that i am going to start knowing everything, and spit in the face of every last person that tells me that i am only human and incapable.
But i wont.
And that is depressing.
To find happiness and realize it long after the world has spun it into memory.
I guess it is a proclamation of the way that people and situations change over the years. And how, in-spite of the best in technological advances, meshed families, and over active thresholds things pretty much stay the same. Today i work at a better Mc-job then what i did when i first began writing in this forum. I am in yet another complicated relationship that i am so stubborn on making work that it may ultimately cause it to falter. And i am here once again because i have lost touch with all the things and people that are important. I am here because the depression is ravaging through my veins like acid. Because collective tar build up and excessive coffee no longer sooth the beast. Because once again, my caged spirit has an urge to run so freaking bad that its almost popping out of my chest. Things have became so complicated. And the harder i try to "uncomplicate" them, the worse they seem to become. I have never grown content living in my skin, and it is my fear that the ripe and early age of 22 that i never will.. That self love is an intangable term that gets tossed around to sell psychology magazines. That maybe, being in your twenties is just like being a teenager. It is a plegdue that you are forced to endure. I wouldn't trade those years for anything.. And as much as I keep telling myself that i wouldn't wish them on anyone, i find myself longing to go back. I would give anything to be able to drive out to the truck stop on a moments notice at three o'clock in the morning. For no reason and without repercussion. To go home (and by home i mean one of the few places that has ever felt like home) and smoke pot under the stars and power-lines. To kiss a stranger. To drive endlessly and for hours for no apparent reason other then the lack of cable programming. I feel as if i have been reincarnated into a life belonging to someone else. I feel as if, over night, i grew into mortdages and car notes, and that there is no turning back. I know that we are suppose to move beyond our pasts and let it shape us into the people that we are today, but today seems like a complete 180. I miss so many people that i have lost touch with. I miss so many relationships that i let slip through the cracks. I miss feeling like someone needed me in order to exist. I miss being smart enough to question everything and dumb enough to not care about the answer. My twenties feel like the reality of my teenage years. The affirmation that not everyone can be a rock scientist. That not all well laid plans bare fruit. And that i cant spend the rest of my life living out of my friends guest bedroom; Working for the money to party on and tossing lovers aside like yesterdays news.
I wish i could say that today will be the day that i throw caution to the wind and start living life. That through this very rant that i will start living my life according to my terms. That this very minute, i am going to go smoke a great big joint under some enormous power lines and exhale every regret that my adult life has brought me. That i am going to hop in my car and drive until i no longer know where i am, and find my way home by intuition (not really caring if i ever make it).. I would like to say that i am going to start knowing everything, and spit in the face of every last person that tells me that i am only human and incapable.
But i wont.
And that is depressing.
To find happiness and realize it long after the world has spun it into memory.