(no subject)
My Da is having a fine time of inflicting culture on public school students in the form of music relating to actual people, societies, and events (as opposed to the ravenous demands of TRL). This semester, a tasty medley of traditional Irish songs is on the roster. When I was up visiting, I paged through the sheet music, and commented that it's all pretty grim stuff (if you know the history behind it). He asked me to give him a bit of write-up to give his students to accompany the music.
I sweated and strained over a meticulous summary, boiling three millennia of history and culture into a few dozen pages while still leaving room for some insightful commentary on the interplay of colonialism, conquest, and subversive expression in the context of musical history.
Then I remembered that I was writing for grade-school students.
I went back and tried to trim it down, finding that there wasn't anything I could cut without crippling the integrity of the delivery. I tried to simplify the language and structure, and again found I really couldn't without losing something vital.
Frustration set in. I sat down at the keys, banged out a cathartic little ditty, sent it to Da as a joke.
He told me that, after tidying up the language a bit, it would be perfect.
It has since occurred to me that we have enough Celtophiles present that some of y`all might get a giggle out of the original form of the rant. Here ya go ;)
Irish-Celtic History, the Short version
1200 b.c. - 200 b.c.
The Celts totally kick ass in europe. I mean, they RULE.
p.s. Romans are whiny little bitches. Athenians are pretty sweet.
200 b.c. - 200 a.d
The Celts in Ireland are ESPECIALLY awesome, and write it down.
400 a.d. - 600 a.d.
Rome sends a punk-ass Bishop. The Irish kill him.
Rome sends Patrick, who knows how to party and likes to write about how awesome the Irish are.
The Irish totally rock Europe by teaching it how to read.
p.s. Reading is, like, totally sweet.
800 - 990 ad
Vikings kick the crap out of Ireland. Historians speculate that this is because the Vikings had MUCH cooler helmets.
990-1014 ad
Brian Boru kicks the crap out of the Vikings and any other punk who shows up causing trouble in Ireland.
1014-1156 ad
Irish kings kick ass, though not as much as Brian. He's still the best ass-kicker.
1167
Normans smack the Irish. Like, in the face
1170
Normans smack the CRAP out of the Irish. The English point and laugh.
1170-1550
The English smack the Irish, point, and laugh... a LOT.
1558 - 1800
The English smack the Irish, point, laugh, and tell them which church to go to. Jonathan Swift says the English are dicks.
1649-1658
Oliver Cromwell proves that he is just plain better than any other Englishman at killing the Irish by taking the population from just over 1.5 million to just over 400,000.
1656
The English think it would be neat to enslave about 10% of the Irish population and sell them in Jamaica. Swift, once again, points out that the English are being total ass-hats.
1840-1850
The Irish starve. The English point and laugh. The irish die and/or leave.
1860-1914
Some Irish suggest that the English shouldn't point and/or laugh. They are a)hung b)shot c)ignored, because they are silly d)move to france, return, then a, b, or c
1914
Michael Collins begins to think that MAYBE the Irish should do something besides politely asking the English to stop (or calling them dicks). He suggests blowing things up and/or shooting people.
1914-1922
Collins shoots people.
1922
The English and Irish form a treaty that largely centers around Ireland sort-of, kind-of getting some parts of Ireland. Collins points out that it might be a good idea to stop shooting people. He is shot.
1949
The Irish have blown up enough things that the English give them part of Ireland to make them stop. Not the cool parts (i.e. actually worth money), though.
1951-1962
The IRA wants the cool parts of Ireland to be part of Ireland, not England. They express this desire by blowing up the cool parts of Ireland.
1972
People suggest that maybe the English police shouldn't shoot people. They are shot, giving U2 an idea for a song.
1974
The English take back ALL parts, point, and laugh.
1993
The English give back some parts. The world gathers to praise the man who made this possible: Bono, of u2.
1994
The IRA promises to stop blowing stuff up
1996
The IRA blows some stuff up.
1997
The IRA REALLY stops blowing stuff up, gives up their guns, and promises to play nice
1998
The English and the Sinn Fein start talking, and no one blows anything up
2000
The English hand over the cool parts of Ireland
2001
The English arrest as many IRA members as they can find, take back the cool parts, point, and laugh.
Present
The English are still pointing and laughing.
Bono is still a pretentious ass.
The "Luck of the Irish" is still one of the most tasteless jokes in the English language.
I sweated and strained over a meticulous summary, boiling three millennia of history and culture into a few dozen pages while still leaving room for some insightful commentary on the interplay of colonialism, conquest, and subversive expression in the context of musical history.
Then I remembered that I was writing for grade-school students.
I went back and tried to trim it down, finding that there wasn't anything I could cut without crippling the integrity of the delivery. I tried to simplify the language and structure, and again found I really couldn't without losing something vital.
Frustration set in. I sat down at the keys, banged out a cathartic little ditty, sent it to Da as a joke.
He told me that, after tidying up the language a bit, it would be perfect.
It has since occurred to me that we have enough Celtophiles present that some of y`all might get a giggle out of the original form of the rant. Here ya go ;)
Irish-Celtic History, the Short version
1200 b.c. - 200 b.c.
The Celts totally kick ass in europe. I mean, they RULE.
p.s. Romans are whiny little bitches. Athenians are pretty sweet.
200 b.c. - 200 a.d
The Celts in Ireland are ESPECIALLY awesome, and write it down.
400 a.d. - 600 a.d.
Rome sends a punk-ass Bishop. The Irish kill him.
Rome sends Patrick, who knows how to party and likes to write about how awesome the Irish are.
The Irish totally rock Europe by teaching it how to read.
p.s. Reading is, like, totally sweet.
800 - 990 ad
Vikings kick the crap out of Ireland. Historians speculate that this is because the Vikings had MUCH cooler helmets.
990-1014 ad
Brian Boru kicks the crap out of the Vikings and any other punk who shows up causing trouble in Ireland.
1014-1156 ad
Irish kings kick ass, though not as much as Brian. He's still the best ass-kicker.
1167
Normans smack the Irish. Like, in the face
1170
Normans smack the CRAP out of the Irish. The English point and laugh.
1170-1550
The English smack the Irish, point, and laugh... a LOT.
1558 - 1800
The English smack the Irish, point, laugh, and tell them which church to go to. Jonathan Swift says the English are dicks.
1649-1658
Oliver Cromwell proves that he is just plain better than any other Englishman at killing the Irish by taking the population from just over 1.5 million to just over 400,000.
1656
The English think it would be neat to enslave about 10% of the Irish population and sell them in Jamaica. Swift, once again, points out that the English are being total ass-hats.
1840-1850
The Irish starve. The English point and laugh. The irish die and/or leave.
1860-1914
Some Irish suggest that the English shouldn't point and/or laugh. They are a)hung b)shot c)ignored, because they are silly d)move to france, return, then a, b, or c
1914
Michael Collins begins to think that MAYBE the Irish should do something besides politely asking the English to stop (or calling them dicks). He suggests blowing things up and/or shooting people.
1914-1922
Collins shoots people.
1922
The English and Irish form a treaty that largely centers around Ireland sort-of, kind-of getting some parts of Ireland. Collins points out that it might be a good idea to stop shooting people. He is shot.
1949
The Irish have blown up enough things that the English give them part of Ireland to make them stop. Not the cool parts (i.e. actually worth money), though.
1951-1962
The IRA wants the cool parts of Ireland to be part of Ireland, not England. They express this desire by blowing up the cool parts of Ireland.
1972
People suggest that maybe the English police shouldn't shoot people. They are shot, giving U2 an idea for a song.
1974
The English take back ALL parts, point, and laugh.
1993
The English give back some parts. The world gathers to praise the man who made this possible: Bono, of u2.
1994
The IRA promises to stop blowing stuff up
1996
The IRA blows some stuff up.
1997
The IRA REALLY stops blowing stuff up, gives up their guns, and promises to play nice
1998
The English and the Sinn Fein start talking, and no one blows anything up
2000
The English hand over the cool parts of Ireland
2001
The English arrest as many IRA members as they can find, take back the cool parts, point, and laugh.
Present
The English are still pointing and laughing.
Bono is still a pretentious ass.
The "Luck of the Irish" is still one of the most tasteless jokes in the English language.