(no subject)
I want to be a teacher so badly. I want to go to some university, live in a dorm, and get into all sorts of hijinks without any regard to my tutition or other expenses like those white folks in movies do. If I did work, it'd be in some magic fantasy bookstore or coffee shop that paid enough so I could go to school and live on my own AND buy semi-decent things. None of this will ever happen, though. Nope.
I don't have any money for college. It's not like I'm shooting for some big-wig university, but I literally have 0 fundage. All the bills are late, my mom is working from sunrise to midnight seven days a week, we don't get groceries unless money permits(of course), and things don't really look like they'll be getting much better. I have to work to put the family back to some kind of make-believe stability, now.
I don't even want to go to school anymore. It all seems like a big hassle and waste of time for a guy like me. There are plently of smart folks out there who are consistent enough to get their money's worth. It doesn't matter if I'm more talented than them, I don't have any will to do those things. Rather, I don't place the same value in all of that anymore. I want to breakdance, play capoeira, and pretend to be an artist in my spare time. If I could live in a bubble and get paid to do just that, then I'd be golden. You know what? All of this is what peeps expect in the first place. I always start out all right and then fuck everything up. I clearly have all the ability between me and my little bro, but he's the golden boy. He hasn't even produced anything above average other than his height and weight, but he gets all kinds of praise. I get equated with my no good felon of a father just on looks. No lie. Because I look so much like him, no one other than my mom gives me much thought. Dammit, even SHE has a weird complex about me. I got hit with all kinds of random threats of group homes and junk since I was ten. I still don't understand if I ever did anything so terrible that I would have to be removed from my family BY my family. There's just no hope.
I can't even go to Indiana because then I'm just a punk ass oreo rich boy who ain't bred for the streets. You know, be cause slingin' rocks and killin' people is what makes a man over there.
I'm just gonna run away from it. Thats all. There ain't anything over here for me. I'll work up enough money to buy a car to get me places and sleep in, buy some gas, and enough to pay some light rent if I can find a roof somewhere. I'll change my name and head west or somethin'. It will be like starting over. I'll NEED to get things done right the first time. I won't worry about my family or all of those fucking flakes and assholes I've been sticking around. It's one thing to head off into the unknown with no support...but sticking around home turf with fake support? No thanks. That's like fishing with a net of newspaper.
In summation, I've been perpetually disgusted with my upbringing and surroundings while constantly hopeful that things will be different and totally cool one day. I still feel so torn about this. I know the direct counters to all of that stupid bullshit I just typed up, but I feel so strongly about both sides of it.
I can only do what I can. People are created equal but we sure as hell don't start off in the same place. We can be victims of our environments and can still overcome the most adverse of situations. People born with silver spoons in their mouths can still figure out a way to destroy the most wonderful foundations laid for them. It's 50/50. Everything is. You do or you don't. There's nothing to cry about. I'm responsible for me before the world is. It gives me everything and I decide what to take.
The world gives me everything and I decide what to take. There really is nothing to worry about. I can just let it go. It doesn't have to be so hard...I really can just shrug it off.
I really do envy people who can wallow in self-pity for a while. I can't do it for more than a couple of minutes.
Cool, we're good.
I don't have any money for college. It's not like I'm shooting for some big-wig university, but I literally have 0 fundage. All the bills are late, my mom is working from sunrise to midnight seven days a week, we don't get groceries unless money permits(of course), and things don't really look like they'll be getting much better. I have to work to put the family back to some kind of make-believe stability, now.
I don't even want to go to school anymore. It all seems like a big hassle and waste of time for a guy like me. There are plently of smart folks out there who are consistent enough to get their money's worth. It doesn't matter if I'm more talented than them, I don't have any will to do those things. Rather, I don't place the same value in all of that anymore. I want to breakdance, play capoeira, and pretend to be an artist in my spare time. If I could live in a bubble and get paid to do just that, then I'd be golden. You know what? All of this is what peeps expect in the first place. I always start out all right and then fuck everything up. I clearly have all the ability between me and my little bro, but he's the golden boy. He hasn't even produced anything above average other than his height and weight, but he gets all kinds of praise. I get equated with my no good felon of a father just on looks. No lie. Because I look so much like him, no one other than my mom gives me much thought. Dammit, even SHE has a weird complex about me. I got hit with all kinds of random threats of group homes and junk since I was ten. I still don't understand if I ever did anything so terrible that I would have to be removed from my family BY my family. There's just no hope.
I can't even go to Indiana because then I'm just a punk ass oreo rich boy who ain't bred for the streets. You know, be cause slingin' rocks and killin' people is what makes a man over there.
I'm just gonna run away from it. Thats all. There ain't anything over here for me. I'll work up enough money to buy a car to get me places and sleep in, buy some gas, and enough to pay some light rent if I can find a roof somewhere. I'll change my name and head west or somethin'. It will be like starting over. I'll NEED to get things done right the first time. I won't worry about my family or all of those fucking flakes and assholes I've been sticking around. It's one thing to head off into the unknown with no support...but sticking around home turf with fake support? No thanks. That's like fishing with a net of newspaper.
In summation, I've been perpetually disgusted with my upbringing and surroundings while constantly hopeful that things will be different and totally cool one day. I still feel so torn about this. I know the direct counters to all of that stupid bullshit I just typed up, but I feel so strongly about both sides of it.
I can only do what I can. People are created equal but we sure as hell don't start off in the same place. We can be victims of our environments and can still overcome the most adverse of situations. People born with silver spoons in their mouths can still figure out a way to destroy the most wonderful foundations laid for them. It's 50/50. Everything is. You do or you don't. There's nothing to cry about. I'm responsible for me before the world is. It gives me everything and I decide what to take.
The world gives me everything and I decide what to take. There really is nothing to worry about. I can just let it go. It doesn't have to be so hard...I really can just shrug it off.
I really do envy people who can wallow in self-pity for a while. I can't do it for more than a couple of minutes.
Cool, we're good.