first post of the year... alegria!
feel like a very big shit today (hey, you feel like what you are... or so they say!) and not because I have a hangover (those of you who know me know I don't like alcohol like... AT ALL... so, no drunk feeling either (maybe I should just start drinking, smoking and fucking everything that moves... hey, Brian seemed to be really "happy"...)).
Where was I? Ah, yeah... the feeling like shit thing...
Some might think (including me for a while) that it was a "seasonal feeling"... feeling crappy during Xmas is pretty common and I AM pretty common, for sure... but I'm afraid it's more than that.
I feel lonely, left aside-alone, isolated... but mostly I feel so so so sad, so lonesome.
See? I've never been a "cheerful" person. OK, you see me and you get the opposite impression but inside I've always been a fucking emotional moron :-P. I thought I had "tricked" that feeling away ... at least for a while but, hey!, guess what? it's been there all along... :-P. Surprise!
When I came back, I knew it was going to be hard... I'm stupid, you know... but not THAT stupid but the fact that everyone (family and friends) seemed to miss me so so so much, well, it was comforting to know I was coming home to a place that wanted me. But I've been here a week now and I've been alone most of the time... it's like I'm not even here for some of them. My best friend called me yesterday and the first thing that she said to me was: "Wow, sorry for having you so abandoned... but my boyfriend ...", my other best friend: "Wow... thanks for the coffee of the other day. It really helped me that you listened to me... god, it's so strange that you are here... we have to get used to the idea of having you around again because, sometimes, we forget". My brother and sister: "It's sooooooooooooo good to have you back.... well, see you in the morning... we're going out"... and please, we should not talk about my parents: "We are going to lock you in at home and never, ever going to let you out again...because we love you and we know what's best for you and the best thing for you is to be with us for the rest of your life ("Why don't you love us anymore?" .... that's my mother, ladies and gentlemen).... and now, we're out because we are late for our tennis match"..... so. why all the fuss and the tears and the fucking making me feel guilty for wanting a life if everybody else has one?
I should really have asked Luis for a good shrink here... I think I may need one... Not even Randy confessing his eternal love for my Gayl could change the way I feel today, I think... fucking shit.... and that would be SOOOOOOOOO GOOD!