Chasing Cars and Jon Stewart ( Part 3)
Title: Chasing Cars and Jon Stewart
Author: bbluejenn117
Artist:chosenfire28
Genre: slash, het, future with a slight au tilt
Word Count:23,920 (yeah I can't believe it either)
Rating: Pg-15 (I think, mostly for language)
Characters/Pairings: Puck/Rachel and Kurt/oc, but primarily Puck/Rachel
Warnings/Spoilers: general spoilers for the first half of the season, all the rest is speculation on my part.
Author's Note: (thanks, beta credit, etc) Much thanks to acquiescence_ for the betaing, especially since this turned out being a lot longer than I anticipated.
Summary: Seven years after they've graduated Noah Puckerman and Rachel Berry are living completely separate lives-Noah as a musician in NYC, and Rachel as an actress in L.A, both struggling with the "whys' and the "hows" of their breakup two years before that caused Puck to move to NYC. Then Puck gets a call from Jon Stewart (yes that Jon Stewart) that will change everything.
(7 years ago)
They had moved out to L.A together after high school. Rachel had been accepted to UCLA's music program, and he was going to try to make it as a musician-he'd been very naïve then. He knew Rachel had gotten into Julliard, but had given it up to support his music dreams. He should've known right then that this thing with him and Rachel would implode-since when did Rachel Berry give up her dreams of being a Grammy/Tony winner for someone else? She had told him then that she didn't mind, that he was a talented artist and was going to go far, and she was going to be there for him-besides it was L.A and someone was sure to recognize her star power and cast her in her dream role. They were eighteen then, young, bright, and oh so very naïve to world that L.A offered.
They never actually lived together-at first because Rachel's dads threatened to move to L.A with them if they didn't, and then because Rachel was too busy to sit down and plan out the logistics-it was always about logistics with her. Rachel loved L.A, she thrived on the attention she received from her professors, and managed to land one of the lead roles in the department's production of 'American Idiot' in her freshman year. She got very involved in the schools' theater program, and ended up switching her focus to theater, with a minor in voice, all the while still managing to encourage Puck in his songwriting.
His first year in L.A wasn't nearly as successful as Rachel's-as he found out very quickly you couldn't just go busk on a street corner and expect to be successful, although his busking did manage to land him a job at Amoeba Records, when an employee happened to walk by and catch his performance of ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’.'He and the employee, Matt, struck up a conversation-first about his version of the song (Puck had been playing the version from the musical), and then about music in general. When Matt found out he hadn't been able to find a job, he immediately offered to set Puck up with an interview, swearing that he'd be a shoe- in-he started the following week. Working at Amoeba was intimidating, everyone that worked there had spent years working at various music and movie stories from around the country, and here he was this punk from Lima, Ohio who dreamed of making his own record. Gradually though he eased into it-really began to enjoy it, enjoyed the customers(yes he saw famous people from time to time), the staff, the live performances, and most of all the music. He still worked on his own songs from time to time-constantly inspired by the diverse genres of music he heard everyday- occasionally inviting his co-workers, who were more like friends after a few months, for jamming sessions. He was content, so what if it didn't happen right away, he was only nineteen, he had time to explore, to think about the type of musician he wanted to be. For the first two years they were happy, only fighting about little things, Rachel would occasionally join in on these sessions, or would watch from the sidelines cheering them on, then things began to change.
At the beginning of her junior year Rachel was discovered by an independent film director, who had seen her in a play and immediately cast Rachel in her latest film. The film didn't have a huge circulation, but Rachel's performance caught more than a few eyes in Hollywood. Soon both she and Puck were caught up in the whirlwind of agents, publicists, contracts, and general craziness. Puck saw less and less of Rachel, and when he did she would pester him about his songwriting, and why he hadn't performed at Amoeba-as if he could compete against acts like Ben Harper or The Flaming Lips. Their arguments started to become about bigger things-like how she'd abandoned singing, and how he was drifting, and, depending on who was winning the argument, how he/she wasn't supportive of the other. The real breaking point came when Puck was asked to open up for one of the store's performances- a big break for him He had told her about it weeks in advance, and she'd promised to come, but halfway through his performance he realized she wasn't coming. He'd written the song a few months ago, right before he and Rachel had really begun to fight. The lyrics had seemed slightly bittersweet when he'd wrote them-after a couple of weeks in which he'd barely seen Rachel, and they seemed even more so now-by the end those words tasted like poison in his mouth. He never sang that song again.
"I miss the sound of your voice and I miss the rush of your skin
and I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out, and I breathe in"
The fight they had that evening was epic. Puck came home to find Rachel at his apartment waiting.
"How did it go?" she saids nonchalantly.
Puck stared at her for a moment, amazed at her brazenness. Slowly, so as to prevent himself from exploding, he spoke. "It went fine… great actually."
Rachel paused, "oh, well, that's good. Do you think something will come out of this- maybe a record contract?"
Puck had been trying to maintain his cool, but now he'd had it. "What the fuck Rachel, just what the fuck?! What is with you? You missed the performance. You didn't call, didn't text, and now all you can ask is if someone signed me on the spot, it doesn't work like that, at least for me. And that doesn't even matter right now, because you weren't there. I wanted you to be there. You were the one who encouraged me to perform, and you couldn't even be bothered to be there when I finally did. And I wrote a stupid fucking sappy song for you, and you weren't there to hear it. Sometimes Rach, I don't even recognize you anymore. How are you even the same person? The Rachel I knew was there for her friends-her boyfriend, this Rachel, this Rachel is too busy with her "Hollywood lifestyle", to bother with any of that trivial shit. Where were you?"
"I had an audition to go to."
"And you couldn't let me know? Jesus Rach."
"That's unfair Noah."
"How is that unfair? You've changed Rachel, and not all for the better. Let's just admit it things haven't been good for a little while now."
"Noah, you are obviously upset. I don't think now is the time to be having this conversation."
"Fuck yes it is, we are having this conversation now. Come on let's see that Rachel Berry fire."
"Fine! Yes I was at an audition, it went great by the way, since you didn't ask, and I couldn't just drop it to text you. I am sorry I missed your performance, I'm sure it was great. And I only asked if someone signed you, because I want you to succeed, that's all I've ever wanted for you."
"Right, ok, so we aren't talking about the elephant in the room then?"
"And what would that be No-ah, since you are obviously in the know here, why don't you tell me?"
"Oh God Rach why are you being so purposely obvious? It must be the "new you."
"The "new me", oh yes you hate the "new me" don't' you? The one that has become successful, when you are still selling indie records at a record shop. Do tell me, what exactly is it that bugs you so much about the new me?"
And damn Rachel really had her claws out now, this was a Rachel Puck wasn’t familiar with, and he was not quite sure how to handle it, but he was still angry.
"What "bugs me", is that you are so God damned busy all the time with your new people. Tell me Rach, when was the last time you invited me to hang out with your new Hollywood people? You're embarrassed-you don't want to have to tell your new friends how your boyfriend works at a record shop. Makes me look like a gold digger doesn't it? As soon as those words left his mouth Puck regreted them-Rachel was livid.
"Noah Puckerman, how fucking dare you (this is how Puck knows she's really angry, she rarely swears) I have always supported you. How dare you assume that about me! Why can't you just be happy for me? You've always known what I've wanted, to be successful, and now that I am, what, suddenly you can't handle it?"
"What you've always wanted? Rachel, I know you, at least I thought I did-what you always wanted was to sing, to be on Broadway, or to win a Grammy, to sing-now you are acting, I hardly ever hear you sing." He took a few steps closer, so that she could see the look of disappointment on his face. "That isn't the Rachel I knew, sure you can color me jealous but we both know I know the truth-even though you'll always have the fame and fortune of Hollywood-that Grammy is most likely lost to you. Mercedes has more of chance of winning one now than you do."
"Oh, is it now?!" Rachel was right up in his face. "You assume so much about me-you take so much for granted, yet you never bother to ask what is really going on."
"Yeah, well I didn't have to ask before-you shut me out of your new life now. Now it's like I'm, and God I don't want to lose you, but you are slipping away from me. I don't know how to stop you.."
Rachel, inches from his face, so close that he could see the freckles on her nose, looked at him sadly for a moment, before kissing him. This kiss was hard and punishing and passionate all at the same time, speaking the words neither of them can say, words they could only express through tongues and teeth and lips and -the sex that night was bittersweet, each of them knew it was ending, although neither of them wanted to admit it.
Looking back Puck knew that was the beginning of the end
Rachel got the part for which was auditioning -Puck was lucky if he saw her two times a week, and when he did see her it was awkwardl. They talked about trivial things, purposely avoiding that elephant in the room. Puck had also been busy though, what he failed to mention to Rachel was that a few small record company representatives had approached him after his gig, the problem was that the most intriguing offer game from a record company in New York-the one Artie was involved in. He had been holding off telling her for a few weeks, not wanting to distract her because he knew she needed her full concentration when first getting into a role), and also a small unconscious part of him knew that when he mentioned it, they would be done. There was no way they'd work out if he was in New York an she was still in L.A. He couldn't put it off forever though.
One day, about a month and a half later, it slipped out over dinner. Rachel had wrapped up for the week, the director was giving them a week off, and she was feeling really good about the job she'd done so far.
"You know Noah, I think this is going to be the role that really gets me noticed."
"But Rachel, people already have noticed you."
"I mean, I could be nominated for an award, that kind of recognition. I just have a feeling, you know?"
Rachel was glowing, and it reminded Puck of their high school days in glee club-the thrill that she'd get just performing in front of people. He missed that look, so he wasn’t quite sure what caused him to blurt out.
"So, I've been meaning to tell you, several small record companies have made me offers. One of them is in New York, with Artie's record company."
"Wait, what?! Why didn't you tell me, that is so fantastic! But wait you said New York, so does that mean you are thinking of moving to New York? And why didn't you tell me sooner, why didn't you tell me when….."
"What, when we had that huge fight that neither of us has brought up since then?"
"And now is the right time?"
"Well, I have to make a decision really soon Rach, or I won't have any options."
"So I take it you want to take the offer in New York then?" Rachel says very calmly.
"Yes. I've been talking to Artie and he's got all sorts of indie music contacts and influence in the New York music scene. Also I think they'd allow me my space to be creative-they wouldn't push for a certain genre or type, and they sound really excited to take me on. Plus Mercedes and Kurt are out there."
"I see. When do you have to make your decision?"
"In the next week."
Their food was left forgotten, but neither of them was really hungry, although Puck wished he was so he'd have an excuse not to look at Rachel's face, because it was breaking his heart.
"Rachel, please, don't….please." He reached out to hold her, to do something-anything, so he didn’tt have to look at her face, but she put her hands out to stop him.
"No, no, no…stop. It's fine, I'm fine. You should go to New York. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity. It's what I've always wanted for you, and you did it all on your own…." Rachel pausef "without me."
"What, you've always wanted me to move to New York, away from you? How nice."
"Noah, you know that's not what I mean. We haven't been right in awhile, even before that fight, things weren't right between us, and that's mostly my fault. You were right, I have been slipping away, for quite some time. You had every right to be furious with me that night. I should have been there to support you, the "old" me would have. I'm not that person anymore, we are both different people now. You still have the same expectations of me, expectations I don't think I can meet, and it will break my heart to let you down all the time. I just can't do that. Ask yourself if you still want to be with the person who is no longer the girl you fell in love with."
Noah sighed, he knew it was inevitable, but it didn’t stop the tears that were threatening to run down his face-there were onions in the room he swore. What Rachel was saying was mostly true. This was why he hadn't brought this up, he knew when he did it would force them both to face the truth. He had really wanted to just slip away to New York, pretend they were fine when he left, and then time would've done the rest. This was far more painful. He didn’t quite know how or if he could answer Rachel's last question, so he said nothing instead.
"So you've decided then? Are you going to go to New York? I don't have any right to keep you here.. It's not fair. It's time you had your chance to make it big, to be a star, and you will be Noah. I know it." Rachel is openly crying now-Puck couldn’t take this anymore, he was going to start crying, and that just wasn’t something he did. He enveloped Rachel in hug, and held her-feeling the rocking of her body as she sobbed into his shoulder. He wants this to be over already. "Come on Rach, let's go to bed." Rachel lifted her head, looked at him, her face puffy from crying, and nodded. "Who will tell me it's time to go to bed when you leave?" It was one of the corniest things Rachel had ever said to him, and yet perfect-it was one the many reasons he loved her. "I don't know Rach."
When Puck woke up in the morning Rachel was gone, but he found a note on the fridge (with a gold star). 'I'm sorry I had to sneak out so early, there was an agent emergency. I want to see you again before you leave. Can you meet me at the first place we went to when we first moved to L.A? 7 o'clock-I'll text you to confirm.~Rachel.
Puck remembered that place-a club that somehow managed to be both a dance club and a music venue for anyone that was brave enough to get up on stage. Neither of them had been brave enough at the time, and they hadn't gone back since. He suspected Rachel's choice of venue wasn’tt a coincidence, but he knew she wouldn’t tell him what she had planned if he asked. Luckily the store was super busy that day, so he didn’tt have time to think about last night. Before he knew it, it was time to head over to the club -time flies when you are meeting your girlfriend to break up.
When he arrived Rachel was already there. She had already ordered drinks for them, and a salad for herself, which she had barely touched. She looked up as he sat across from her in the booth.
"So, why this place Rach?"
"Well, ah, well you'll see."
"Ok….so what do we do till whatever it is you've got planned happens?"
"Well tonight" Rachel pauses "I want this to be about the old us, the us before we both changed. Just for this night. I thought it was fitting that we return to the first place we visited in L.A…well that wasn't a grocery store. I will try to be the "old me", and you know, you can be you. If you want." Rachel pauses again "Is that okay?"
"Ummm okay Rachel. I guess that's fine. What did you want to talk about then?" Puck was at a loss for words. How were they supposed to magically go back to the people they were in high school? Rachel was right, neither of them were the same people they were in high school. Hell, they weren't supposed to be. All those people that told you life continued after high school, well they were right. Not that all of high school sucked, there had been some very good times.
"So you remember that time that Mercedes….."
For about an hour their trip down memory lane continued. And then Rachel got quiet, the smile leaving her face. "Noah...I didn't' invite you here just to reminisce. Remember the first time we came here? Neither of us sang, we were both too nervous, even me?"
Puck nodded
"Well I'm still nervous, but I was thinking today about what you said, about me not singing anymore. And I love acting, but I do miss singing, and while I don't foresee a film adaptation of a musical in my future, but well………" And Rachel ran out of words. "Just, you'll see. Sometimes Noah, sometimes, you have to sing out your feelings….like we did at glee club."
Puck had no idea what Rachel was on about, but before he could figure it out Rachel was up at the microphone. Oh, shit, she was going to sing.
"Hi So it's' been a long time since I sang in front of a large crowd, but I wanted to do this. I'm not sure how this works, if you are allowed to dedicate songs to people…..anyways, it doesn't' matter the person I'm singing it for, well they know…."
The background music began- it wasn’t something Puck immediately recognized, but he caught on quick.
"Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories they're haunted.
We were always meant to say goodbye. Even with our fists held high, would never have worked out right. We were never meant for do or die. Didn't want us to burn out, didn't come here you now I can't stop."
Rachel was looking right at him as she sang, no belted, the song, and he couldn’t look away. He always knew Rachel could rock Kelly Clarkson, but not quite like this. The words, lord, Rachel did always have a knack for choosing just the perfect song.
"Looking at you makes it harder, but I know that you'll find another, that doesn't always make you wanna cry"
Puck tried to look anywhere else except at Rachel, but he couldn’t. Why did she have to make this so hard? She was clearly feeling every word of this song-each word for him. He kinda hated her right now
"Remember all the things we wanted, Now all our memories, they're haunted, We were always meant to say goodbye...I want you to know It doesn't matter where we take this road, Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know. You couldn't have loved me better But I want you to move on So I'm already gone."
Rachel finished the song, and Puck knew he should hang around, but he couldn’tt, he just couldn’t. He sliped out while Rachel was receiving applause. He didn’t call, he didn’t text. By the next week he was in New York.
After a week in the car (L.A to New York is a long drive) listening to songs like 'Come Home', 'Missing You' and 'Slow Dancing in a Burning Room', Puck was ready to get into the studio and write some seriously depressing shit. Having not really planned his exit strategy from L.A, Puck was forced to move in with Artie until he found a place of his own. Artie was surprisingly okay with Puck dumping his crap at his place, and heading straight into the studio; he didn’t ask questions, and gave Puck his space. Puck suspected Artie would have had more an issue with his negligence, but Artie was also there in the studio watching him hash out his first post-Rachel song.
"So what have you got for us Mr. Puckerman? My people in L.A tell me great things about you; apparently you are the next John Mayer."
"Well I do have something in mind. It's not really polished, but the lyrics have sort of been in my head for the past couple of weeks."
"Ok, let's hear it then."
Puck strummed out the melody and began….
"I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in
May God's love be with you Always May God's love be with you"
He paused after the first chorus.. "should I continue?"
He received a nod, and he continued. Just as he was approaching the end of the song he felt Artie's eyes on him, and looked up-then wished he hadn't. It was a look became all too familiar to Puck in the next few weeks-a look of sympathy and pity. Puck didn’t have to tell Artie what happened with Rachel, the song said everything for him.
"Cause I've been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for Any more than me
May God's love be with you Always May God's love be with you"
"Well I'm not sure we can release that as your first single, too depressing, but good. Did a girl break your heart or something?"
"Ummm?" Puck looked at them questioningly.
"So that's a yes then. Hmmm….we can run with this, I think, just as long as there are at least one or two upbeat songs on the album. I like you Puckerman. What do you think Artie?"
"Sounds good to me, and I agree-there need to be some upbeat songs on the record. You wouldn't want to be labeled the "emo indie artist" too early in your career, sad and depressed only goes so far.Sure Beck did it with ‘Sea Changes’, but he had several albums under his belt? . Let's run with this song though, and then go from there."
Puck tried calling Rachel a couple of weeks after he'd moved, but got no answer, and she never called back. He tried a month later, and still she didn't pick up. The third time he tried calling-three months after he'd moved to New York, a guy answered the phone.
"Hi, this is Noah right?"
"Yes, and who is this? Where's Rachel?" he didn't recognize the voice.
"Oh, hold a second, I'll get her."
Puck didn't even have time to wonder who this guy was, or why he was answering Rachel's phone, before she answered.
"Noah….what's up? How's New York?"
"Who was that guy? I don't recognize his voice."
"Umm well that's Cassidy, we've been sort of seeing each other for the last month."
"Oh I see. So that's why you never called me back. Good to know one of us is moving on so quickly." And he hung up. Rachel tried calling him back a couple of times, but Puck ignored her calls. Two weeks later, while at the grocery store, he saw a gossip magazine with a picture of Cassidy and Rachel together-they looked happy and the magazine declared them to be one of Hollywood's new ”it” couples. Puck went home and wrote another depressing song, which ironically became his first single.
He didn’t talk to Rachel for another year, she was dating someone new, and hed been dating around-never settling on anyone, which had earned him a 'ladies man' rep, but he didn’t care. He’d settled into his life in New York-found a new place, made some friends, mostly through Kurt and Artie. He was a little happier, working on new songs, and promoting his current album. Time moved on, hewas back in the studio working on new songs, and before he knew it he'd been in New York for over two years.
He came into the studio one day and the guys in his band were talking about Rachel. They immediately shut up when he walked up to them. "What's up guys? What's Rachel up to these days?" he said, trying to sound nonchalant. They just stared at him, and then at each other. "Okay, come on now guys, what's going on?" His bassist, Chris, looked at the rest of the guys and then answered him. "Apparently she's engaged."
"And how did you guys find that out? Don't tell me you've started reading the gossip rags."
"Not exactly," Chris replies.
"Out with already, ok?"
"Artie told me. He found out from Mercedes, who Rachel told personally. I guess their friends or something."
"Yeah…they're friends", and Puck began unpacking his guitar-getting set up for the day.
"So, umm, did you want to practice today? I mean I'm sure they wouldn’t mind if we took the day off."
"Chris, just because my ex-girlfriend supposedly got engaged doesn't mean you guys get the day off. We've got an album to put out, and only a few songs completed so far. Let's get to work."
He didn’t quite know where the words came from, but as soon as he started strumming the guitar, the words came out.
"We'll do it all Everything On our own
We don't need Anything Or anyone
If I lay here, If I just lay here, would lie with me and just forget the world"
He paused to look up at his band mates. "Well what do you think?"
Chris, again answered, "I like it man. The beat is good, steady, catchy - sounds like a song that's gonna make you a big hit with teenage girls Do you have anymore?"
Puck laughed, "sure"
"I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much, they're not enough
If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world
Forget what were told, before we get too old, to show me a garden that's bursting into life
Lets waste time, chasing cars, around our heads"
He stopped, having running out of words for the moment. "So what do you guys think? Do you think we can make a single out of this?"
The guys all looked at each other, and then Chris responded, "dude, with a little bit of mixing, I think this definitely single material."
"Ok then, let's continue."
Little did Puck realize, at the time, that he was creating a hit single - a song that would make him a household name, and land him on 'The Late Show' with Jon Stewart.
Puck's phone rang, abruptly ending his trip down memory lane, "hello?"
"Noah, where are you man?" It was Mitchell. "Mercedes says to get your sweet ass down here"-Puck heard some background conversation, and then Mercedes got on the phone. "Ok, I don't know what you were doing that was possibly more important than the party that Kurt and I were throwing for you, but anyways we're leaving the restaurant now, so meet us at Artie's ok?"
"Yeah, sorry Mercedes, I sorta drifted off for a while, but I'll be there, I promise."
"You'd better. Also Kurt says bring your guitar…just in case," and with that she hangs up.
Puck grabbed some pizza from the fridge on his way out, and hailed a cab - not usually his style - but Artie's club was hard to get to by the subway and he was running late. When he got there he found Kurt, and decided to check up on him, but before he can get there Blake intercepts him. Puck was close enough to hear their very brief conversation.
"Why did you come here tonight Blake? I thought I made it pretty clear last night that I needed a break."
"You didn't give me a chance to explain."
"What's there to explain? You don't do commitment. I thought I was fine with it, because it was you, and I loved you, but I realized, after being treated like another one of your boy toys that I still did commitment. And I can't just be your friend with benefits anymore Blake."
"You loved me? As in past tense?" Puck was surprised to hear the disappointment in Blake's voice, but whatever he'd jerked Kurt around for long enough, the guy had it coming.
"It doesn't' matter, you are you, and I am me. I can move on…eventually, I always do."
"But what if I don't want you to? What if do I want more from you?"
Kurt' raised his voice, he was obviously upset, and Puck couldn’t say he blamed him.
"I don't see what else I can give you. I need something in return…..What exactly do you want from me, that I haven't already given you? I think the question is what are you willing to give me?"
"Fuck Kurt. I don't know!" Puck watched as Blake ran his hand through his hair, clearly frustrated.
"Well Blake, until you can decide, I think we'd better not see each other", and with that Kurt stood up and made his way over to Puck. "Come on Noah, what do you say we get drunk?"
Kurt led him over to the bar, and ordered a dirty martini for himself and a jack and coke for Puck, telling him not to worry about paying because Artie had it covered. They sat there for about five minutes, not saying anything, just sipping their drinks, before Puck tried to break the silence - purposely not asking about the conversation he’d just overheard. "So thanks for sending that clip. How much did you have to bribe Jon to play it? How was dinner, did I miss anything? What did Rachel think of the performance?"
Kurt offered up a small laugh. "Not much really, your publicist did most of the work really. You should definitely keep her. You didn't miss much really….well except", Kurt paused.
"What Kurt?"
"Rachel isn't engaged anymore, they broke up, she andJohn. We didn't really talk about that much, so I'm not sure why, but she did mention it."
"What?! Well I doubt she would have mentioned it if I had been there. Do you know why?"
"No" Kurt's eyes drifted off to the stage where Blake, who apparently had bigger balls than Puck gave him credit for, was getting ready to perform. "I think you should ask her yourself." And then, before Puck can tell him 'no way in fuck am I going to ask her about that', Blake was up on stage, talking to the crowd,, distracting them both.
"So, hey all you lovely people." A few girls screamed .He smirks, "thanks ladies, but in all seriousness I'm not up here to give an impromptu concert. I wasn't even supposed to be here, in fact there are people here that specifically asked that I not be here." This prompted a few boos from the crowd. "Now, that person has a legitimate reason for not wanting me here, but I have a very good reason for coming here tonight. I'm not going to really divulge my personal life to all of you, although you guys are all great, but suffice to say that this song I think, well ummm…." Blake ran his hand through hair again, and then looked right at Kurt. "What I want is you. I want only you. I probably love you and that scares the shit out of me. I don't know how else to explain it to you, so…well….." Blake shifted his gaze to the rest of the bar. "I'm sure you guys know this song. It's not mine…anyways…yeah."
"Hey/ Slow it down What do you want from me What do you want from me
Yeah/I'm afraid What do you want from me What do you want from me
There might have been a time when I would give myself away
Oh once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now here we are, so what do you want from me"
A few people in the crowd cheered, of course recognizing the Adam Lambert song, but, from the way that Blake was staring at Kurt, Puck knew this wasn’t for them . Blake grabbed the mike and began walling away, his emotions easily readable: anger, fear, and hope. By the beginning of the second verse it was plain to not only Puck, but to the rest of the audience, that this performance wasn’t for them at all.
"Yeah/ It's plain to see That baby you are beautiful there's nothing wrong with you (nothing wrong with you) It's me I'm a freak but thanks for loving me 'cause your doing it perfectly
Yeah, there might have been a time when i would just let you slip away
I wouldn't even try but I think you could save my life"
Kurt had been frozen in place since Blake began, but when he finished the song Kurt slipped away, making himself scarce. So Puck was left to make excuses for him when Blake came to find him, looking heartbroken when Puck, told him that he had no idea where Kurt had slipped off to.
"Do you know what he thought of it?" Blake asked worriedly. Puck sipped his drink, and looked over at him. His next comment came out a bit more sarcastic than he intended, but after all that Blake' had put Kurt through he couldn’t help it-he laughed silently to himself as he remembered the bro code "bros before hoes", and how it ironically applied to this situation.
"Oh yeah I'm sure he loved it. I mean Kurt's just a big pushover, right? One song sung by you to him is definitely going to win him over."
Suddenly Blake was in his face, and looked fucking pissed.. "Really, what the fuck do you know about me Noah Puckerman? How do you really know how I feel about Kurt? Ok sure, I haven't exactly been big on the whole commit-to-one-person deal, but that doesn't mean I don't care about Kurt. This whole thing with Kurt is new to me."
"What do you mean this 'whole thing with Kurt'? Like you suddenly woke up one day and realized that you cared enough about him to ditch your man-whore lifestyle?"
"Yeah pretty much."
Puck didn’t know how to respond to that, but he didn’t have to because Kurt had just jumped up on stage, distracting them from their awkward conversation. "Well I think you're about to find out what Kurt thinks either way."
"Yeah", Blake said nervously, "I guess I am".
Kurt approached the microphone, looked over at where Blake and Puck were sitting, and smiled.
"You know, I also sing and perform for a living, but I've never let a song do the talking for me. I've never, if you'll excuse the cheesy glee club reference, 'sung out my feelings'. Tonight, however, I am."
"Guess this means you're sorry you're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back what you said before
Like how much you wanted anyone but me
Said you'd never come back but here you are again
Cuz we belong together now forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me and honestly
My life would suck without you"
Kurt was in his element, strutting around the stage, engaging the the crowd, smiling and having the time of his life. It seemed forever ago that they all performed this for Mr. Shuester after they'd won Regional's their sophomore year. So much had changed since then. When they'd first performed that song both he and Kurt had been back-up singers, relegated to a solo every so often, and now they were both leading guys in their own respective ways. He watched as Kurt pulled Rachel up onto the stage with him to sing the second verse, but he knew that Kurt wasn’t doing this song just for her.
"Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues but you're pretty messed up too either way, I found out I'm nothing without you
Cuz we belong together now forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me and honestly my life would suck without you"
Kurt wasn’t hamming it up with the crowd anymore; he was still commanding the stage, though - Rachel had excused herself -he had eyes only for Blake, who had made his way up to front of the stage, and was standing right in front of him. When Kurt sang the bridge, it was clear that these words were meant for Blake, and only Blake.
"Being with you is so dysfunctional I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let go oh yeah
Cuz we belong together now forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me and honestly my life would suck without you"
As the last notes faded, Puck watched as Blake jumped up onto the stage in front of Kurt. He smiled, but still seemed a little bit uncertain about what to do, which was very uncharacteristic for him. Kurt smiled back, and that seemed to be enough for Blake, who swooped down on Kurt-picking him up and swinging him around before kissing him. At that moment they fit together; they looked like they belonged together. Puck sighed; he wished he was able to get through to Rachel with just a song - he'd tried, but she hadn't gotten the message.
"They seem happy." Puck turned to find Rachel standing next to him. "Hi Rachel, (he hadn’t called her Rach in a while) having a good time?"
"Yes…it's been nice catching up with everyone here. We missed you at dinner."
"Hmm", Puck replied noncommittally, signaling the bartender for another Jack and Coke.
"It sounds like you guys have all been very busy out here. I must admit I never thought that so many of us from that original club would be so successful."
"Hmmm", Puck replied again taking a swig of his drink. He wanted to ask Rachel about her broken-off engagement, but he couldn’t think of a way to ask that didn’t sound condescending. After all she believed that he'd moved on, best to try to keep up the charade. Instead he took another sip of his drink, and looked out to where Blake and Kurt were wrapped around each other.
"Surprise, surprise", Puck finally replied. He knew he was being surly now, but looking at Kurt and Blake had reminded him of what he used to have with Rachel-before things fell apart.
"Noah what is with you this evening? We haven't even had a chance to talk since I arrived, so I'm not quite sure what I did that's making you so surly."
"Did you enjoy the taping? I know you used to enjoy Jon Stewart, but, people change."
"Ok, I seriously don't know what's up with you, so I'm going to ignore that last bit, although, for your information I do still watch ' The Late Show'. I did enjoy the show, Jon is very engaging, and your performance was very good. Your interaction with the crowd was fantastic, and of course your vocals were good as well."
"Well thanks for that assessment Rachel, I appreciate it", Puck finished his drink, and ordered another.
Before she could reply, he turned to her - asking her the question he probably should've asked before he downed two jack and cokes. "So you aren't engaged anymore. What happened? Did you forget to show up for a performance, or answer your phone, and he realized that you were too involved in yourself to care?"
"And this, this right here, is why I wasn't going to tell you. Why should I tell you why we broke up, when you will only throw it in my face, blame it all on me? Of course it's my fault. It's been almost four years Noah, you forget, or choose to forget, that our breakup was mutual. You moved out to New York, I stayed in L.A, we both moved on. At least I thought we had."
"Well you sure moved on pretty fast. I hadn’t even been New York for 3 months and you'd already moved on. Then you wouldn't return my calls - didn't bother to see how I was doing in New York - for someone that supposedly cared so much about my musical career," Puck downed his drink and orders yet another, "you really took pains to show me just how much you didn't care."
"You don't know that I didn't care, that I don't still care."
"Well you are doing a fucking fantastic job of showing that. That song Rachel, did you even listen to the words in the song? Why did you even come out here, really?"
"What do you mean; did I listen to the lyrics? I have heard the song you know. They do play it on the radio. Of course I know the words to the song, and I came out to see all of you guys - despite what you seem to think I do remember how much you love Jon Stewart, and what a big deal it was for you to finally meet him - I wanted to be here for it. I am not the monster you make me out to be Noah."
Puck ordered another drink, even though he knew it was a bad idea. He sighed deeply, taking a moment to try organize his thoughts.
"Rachel, knowing the words to a song, and understanding them are two different things. I wrote that song for you, about you, after I found out you were engaged."
"What?"
"Yes"
"Why?"
"Why?”, Puck practically shouted. Rachel, you've always assumed that I got over you, but you never bothered to ask. We never had that conversation. Yeah I know I could've brought it up, but really when could I have? You were always seriously dating someone. Then I found out that you were engaged, and you didn't tell me - never called. I couldn't call you; that song, that song is what came out."
Rachel's voice got very small, and her next words sounded more like a plea then a request. "Noah please don't tell me that, just, please don't tell me that. It's too early, too soon…please."
"Too soon?" Puck laughed, "I think what you mean is too late right? A day late, a dollar short - always the ‘Lima Loser” that can't quite get it together in time. If I had gotten my shit together, figured out my "feelings" earlier you wouldn't have gotten engaged, if I had fought for you. Fuck, I don't know, if I had gone out to L.A….but I didn't, and now I'm writing songs that will get me laid, but won't get me you, because you don't realize that most of those songs are for you."
"Noah that's not what I meant at all. I just meat don't tell me those things, don't tell me that a song is for me, not now, I can't handle it, not from you."
"Why Rachel? What is it that you can't tell me? I'm really dying to know. Because I've just basically admitted that I'm still in love with you, and yet you won't give me an answer to a simple question."
Rachel practically whispered, "it's not that simple….I can't-not now, maybe soon, someday."
"Oh good, why don't you not tell me when you decide to do that, because I'd really like to find out from my band mates, again, when you know." Puck downed another Jack & Coke; he was definitely feeling tipsy, and ordered another. He looked at Rachel, who looked like she needed a drink as well. He remembered Kurt's advice: "talk to her before you drink too much." Well that just went out the window. On the other hand he had wanted to get this off his chest for quite awhile, and he knew he'd never have the courage sober.
"Noah….."
"No Rachel, just stop. I am tired of hearing about your life from other people."
"It doesn't have to be that way, you can always call, but you never do."
"Why would I call you Rachel? You made it pretty clear that first year that you didn't want to talk to me."
"I needed space…you needed space. We needed time away from each other."
"Oh, I didn't realize there was a timeframe for such things, sorry my bad."
"Noah, please, stop. You may not understand why I did what I did, but what's done is done. Can't we just look past that and try to be friends again."
Puck finished off his fifth, maybe, he's lost track, drink. "You know Rachel, I'm actually kind of glad that you didn't fill me in on the details of your life-that I got to find out about them from gossip magazines and my friends. Do you want to know why?"
"Well Noah, I'm sure you're going to tell me anyways, as drunk as you are now." Rachel sighed, "so go ahead, tell me why."
"Because it inspired me to write about all the things you weren't telling me -those things you were sharing with other people - about how you shut me out of your life."
Rachel had gone from looking upset to angry; Puck had forgotten how quickly she could do that.
"Surely not every song you've written is about what a bitch I am."
"No. I wrote Chasing Cars about you too, but you don't want to admit it."
"So give me an example, what is one song that you wrote that is about how I broke your heart, and everything is my fault."
"You know Rachel, I’m not going to tell you ….I'll show you instead."
He didn’t give Rachel a chance to respond, he was afraid she'd stop him, and he really wanted to sing this song to her. The song she would understand- it said exactly what he'd always wanted to tell her in person, but had never had the courage to. Maybe now she'd understand. He grabbed his guitar from Artie's office, and then went to find Artie.
He found Artie hanging out with Mitchell and Mercedes, and Kurt and Blake-laughing about something. He looked up as Puck cleared his throat.
"Hey Noah what's up? Have you been catching up with Rachel?" he said, winking at the rest of the group.
Puck had had about enough of their games.
"Sure, been having a blast. I want to do a song. Is that ok?"
"No problem, tonight's been sort of a free-for-all, and I don't have anyone scheduled for the rest evening. Do your worst."
"Thanks man."
Puck got up on the stage, adjusted the microphone, and gave a short wave to the crowd.
"Hey guys. So I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda drunk right now." The crowd laughs. "Yeah my publicist is gonna love me for that," Puck scanned the crowd and found Rachel "and she's gonna love what I have to say next too. So this song I'm gonna sing is from my first album, it wasn't on the radio because my record company thought it was too depressing. I wrote it just after I'd moved here….after some girl broke my heart." And yeah Stephanie was going to kill him, but the Jack & Cokes seemed to have given him a case of verbal diarrhea. "I guess you could say its' about realizing, at the end of a relationship, just how useless you are to the other person." Puck adjusts his guitar, looks directly at Rachel, and begins singing.
"Maybe it's because I'm Crazy maybe it's because I just can't honestly tell you what I want
It's never enough, to stay still and hold you To break loose and run the taste of you wild on my tongue"
He spit out the refrain
"Am I no good to you now (Am I no good to you)
Am I no good to you now (Am I no good to you)
Yeah we're spilling over We're falling apart"
He reigned his emotions back in for the second verse and chorus, but towards the end he started to lose it-remembering how hurt he was when he wrote those lyrics.
"And all I say doesn't matter anyway Yeah all I say doesn't matter anyway
I've given up, so call my bluff, Cuz I just need to be reminded who I am
"I've Fallin apart Yeah we're spillin over
I'm fallin apart I've given up and startin over
I wanna be the one who'll hold you
Fallin' apart So it'll be love"
Strumming the last notes on the guitar, Puck looked at Rachel-she had tears in her eyes. He finished the song, and then packed up the guitar case. When he looked back up, Rachel was gone. Not wanting to talk to anyone he headed over to the bar to order another drink, and sulk. Kurt found him later, after Blake had left, and together they got shit faced, although for completely different reasons.
Author: bbluejenn117
Artist:chosenfire28
Genre: slash, het, future with a slight au tilt
Word Count:23,920 (yeah I can't believe it either)
Rating: Pg-15 (I think, mostly for language)
Characters/Pairings: Puck/Rachel and Kurt/oc, but primarily Puck/Rachel
Warnings/Spoilers: general spoilers for the first half of the season, all the rest is speculation on my part.
Author's Note: (thanks, beta credit, etc) Much thanks to acquiescence_ for the betaing, especially since this turned out being a lot longer than I anticipated.
Summary: Seven years after they've graduated Noah Puckerman and Rachel Berry are living completely separate lives-Noah as a musician in NYC, and Rachel as an actress in L.A, both struggling with the "whys' and the "hows" of their breakup two years before that caused Puck to move to NYC. Then Puck gets a call from Jon Stewart (yes that Jon Stewart) that will change everything.
(7 years ago)
They had moved out to L.A together after high school. Rachel had been accepted to UCLA's music program, and he was going to try to make it as a musician-he'd been very naïve then. He knew Rachel had gotten into Julliard, but had given it up to support his music dreams. He should've known right then that this thing with him and Rachel would implode-since when did Rachel Berry give up her dreams of being a Grammy/Tony winner for someone else? She had told him then that she didn't mind, that he was a talented artist and was going to go far, and she was going to be there for him-besides it was L.A and someone was sure to recognize her star power and cast her in her dream role. They were eighteen then, young, bright, and oh so very naïve to world that L.A offered.
They never actually lived together-at first because Rachel's dads threatened to move to L.A with them if they didn't, and then because Rachel was too busy to sit down and plan out the logistics-it was always about logistics with her. Rachel loved L.A, she thrived on the attention she received from her professors, and managed to land one of the lead roles in the department's production of 'American Idiot' in her freshman year. She got very involved in the schools' theater program, and ended up switching her focus to theater, with a minor in voice, all the while still managing to encourage Puck in his songwriting.
His first year in L.A wasn't nearly as successful as Rachel's-as he found out very quickly you couldn't just go busk on a street corner and expect to be successful, although his busking did manage to land him a job at Amoeba Records, when an employee happened to walk by and catch his performance of ‘Boulevard of Broken Dreams’.'He and the employee, Matt, struck up a conversation-first about his version of the song (Puck had been playing the version from the musical), and then about music in general. When Matt found out he hadn't been able to find a job, he immediately offered to set Puck up with an interview, swearing that he'd be a shoe- in-he started the following week. Working at Amoeba was intimidating, everyone that worked there had spent years working at various music and movie stories from around the country, and here he was this punk from Lima, Ohio who dreamed of making his own record. Gradually though he eased into it-really began to enjoy it, enjoyed the customers(yes he saw famous people from time to time), the staff, the live performances, and most of all the music. He still worked on his own songs from time to time-constantly inspired by the diverse genres of music he heard everyday- occasionally inviting his co-workers, who were more like friends after a few months, for jamming sessions. He was content, so what if it didn't happen right away, he was only nineteen, he had time to explore, to think about the type of musician he wanted to be. For the first two years they were happy, only fighting about little things, Rachel would occasionally join in on these sessions, or would watch from the sidelines cheering them on, then things began to change.
At the beginning of her junior year Rachel was discovered by an independent film director, who had seen her in a play and immediately cast Rachel in her latest film. The film didn't have a huge circulation, but Rachel's performance caught more than a few eyes in Hollywood. Soon both she and Puck were caught up in the whirlwind of agents, publicists, contracts, and general craziness. Puck saw less and less of Rachel, and when he did she would pester him about his songwriting, and why he hadn't performed at Amoeba-as if he could compete against acts like Ben Harper or The Flaming Lips. Their arguments started to become about bigger things-like how she'd abandoned singing, and how he was drifting, and, depending on who was winning the argument, how he/she wasn't supportive of the other. The real breaking point came when Puck was asked to open up for one of the store's performances- a big break for him He had told her about it weeks in advance, and she'd promised to come, but halfway through his performance he realized she wasn't coming. He'd written the song a few months ago, right before he and Rachel had really begun to fight. The lyrics had seemed slightly bittersweet when he'd wrote them-after a couple of weeks in which he'd barely seen Rachel, and they seemed even more so now-by the end those words tasted like poison in his mouth. He never sang that song again.
"I miss the sound of your voice and I miss the rush of your skin
and I miss the still of the silence as you breathe out, and I breathe in"
The fight they had that evening was epic. Puck came home to find Rachel at his apartment waiting.
"How did it go?" she saids nonchalantly.
Puck stared at her for a moment, amazed at her brazenness. Slowly, so as to prevent himself from exploding, he spoke. "It went fine… great actually."
Rachel paused, "oh, well, that's good. Do you think something will come out of this- maybe a record contract?"
Puck had been trying to maintain his cool, but now he'd had it. "What the fuck Rachel, just what the fuck?! What is with you? You missed the performance. You didn't call, didn't text, and now all you can ask is if someone signed me on the spot, it doesn't work like that, at least for me. And that doesn't even matter right now, because you weren't there. I wanted you to be there. You were the one who encouraged me to perform, and you couldn't even be bothered to be there when I finally did. And I wrote a stupid fucking sappy song for you, and you weren't there to hear it. Sometimes Rach, I don't even recognize you anymore. How are you even the same person? The Rachel I knew was there for her friends-her boyfriend, this Rachel, this Rachel is too busy with her "Hollywood lifestyle", to bother with any of that trivial shit. Where were you?"
"I had an audition to go to."
"And you couldn't let me know? Jesus Rach."
"That's unfair Noah."
"How is that unfair? You've changed Rachel, and not all for the better. Let's just admit it things haven't been good for a little while now."
"Noah, you are obviously upset. I don't think now is the time to be having this conversation."
"Fuck yes it is, we are having this conversation now. Come on let's see that Rachel Berry fire."
"Fine! Yes I was at an audition, it went great by the way, since you didn't ask, and I couldn't just drop it to text you. I am sorry I missed your performance, I'm sure it was great. And I only asked if someone signed you, because I want you to succeed, that's all I've ever wanted for you."
"Right, ok, so we aren't talking about the elephant in the room then?"
"And what would that be No-ah, since you are obviously in the know here, why don't you tell me?"
"Oh God Rach why are you being so purposely obvious? It must be the "new you."
"The "new me", oh yes you hate the "new me" don't' you? The one that has become successful, when you are still selling indie records at a record shop. Do tell me, what exactly is it that bugs you so much about the new me?"
And damn Rachel really had her claws out now, this was a Rachel Puck wasn’t familiar with, and he was not quite sure how to handle it, but he was still angry.
"What "bugs me", is that you are so God damned busy all the time with your new people. Tell me Rach, when was the last time you invited me to hang out with your new Hollywood people? You're embarrassed-you don't want to have to tell your new friends how your boyfriend works at a record shop. Makes me look like a gold digger doesn't it? As soon as those words left his mouth Puck regreted them-Rachel was livid.
"Noah Puckerman, how fucking dare you (this is how Puck knows she's really angry, she rarely swears) I have always supported you. How dare you assume that about me! Why can't you just be happy for me? You've always known what I've wanted, to be successful, and now that I am, what, suddenly you can't handle it?"
"What you've always wanted? Rachel, I know you, at least I thought I did-what you always wanted was to sing, to be on Broadway, or to win a Grammy, to sing-now you are acting, I hardly ever hear you sing." He took a few steps closer, so that she could see the look of disappointment on his face. "That isn't the Rachel I knew, sure you can color me jealous but we both know I know the truth-even though you'll always have the fame and fortune of Hollywood-that Grammy is most likely lost to you. Mercedes has more of chance of winning one now than you do."
"Oh, is it now?!" Rachel was right up in his face. "You assume so much about me-you take so much for granted, yet you never bother to ask what is really going on."
"Yeah, well I didn't have to ask before-you shut me out of your new life now. Now it's like I'm, and God I don't want to lose you, but you are slipping away from me. I don't know how to stop you.."
Rachel, inches from his face, so close that he could see the freckles on her nose, looked at him sadly for a moment, before kissing him. This kiss was hard and punishing and passionate all at the same time, speaking the words neither of them can say, words they could only express through tongues and teeth and lips and -the sex that night was bittersweet, each of them knew it was ending, although neither of them wanted to admit it.
Looking back Puck knew that was the beginning of the end
Rachel got the part for which was auditioning -Puck was lucky if he saw her two times a week, and when he did see her it was awkwardl. They talked about trivial things, purposely avoiding that elephant in the room. Puck had also been busy though, what he failed to mention to Rachel was that a few small record company representatives had approached him after his gig, the problem was that the most intriguing offer game from a record company in New York-the one Artie was involved in. He had been holding off telling her for a few weeks, not wanting to distract her because he knew she needed her full concentration when first getting into a role), and also a small unconscious part of him knew that when he mentioned it, they would be done. There was no way they'd work out if he was in New York an she was still in L.A. He couldn't put it off forever though.
One day, about a month and a half later, it slipped out over dinner. Rachel had wrapped up for the week, the director was giving them a week off, and she was feeling really good about the job she'd done so far.
"You know Noah, I think this is going to be the role that really gets me noticed."
"But Rachel, people already have noticed you."
"I mean, I could be nominated for an award, that kind of recognition. I just have a feeling, you know?"
Rachel was glowing, and it reminded Puck of their high school days in glee club-the thrill that she'd get just performing in front of people. He missed that look, so he wasn’t quite sure what caused him to blurt out.
"So, I've been meaning to tell you, several small record companies have made me offers. One of them is in New York, with Artie's record company."
"Wait, what?! Why didn't you tell me, that is so fantastic! But wait you said New York, so does that mean you are thinking of moving to New York? And why didn't you tell me sooner, why didn't you tell me when….."
"What, when we had that huge fight that neither of us has brought up since then?"
"And now is the right time?"
"Well, I have to make a decision really soon Rach, or I won't have any options."
"So I take it you want to take the offer in New York then?" Rachel says very calmly.
"Yes. I've been talking to Artie and he's got all sorts of indie music contacts and influence in the New York music scene. Also I think they'd allow me my space to be creative-they wouldn't push for a certain genre or type, and they sound really excited to take me on. Plus Mercedes and Kurt are out there."
"I see. When do you have to make your decision?"
"In the next week."
Their food was left forgotten, but neither of them was really hungry, although Puck wished he was so he'd have an excuse not to look at Rachel's face, because it was breaking his heart.
"Rachel, please, don't….please." He reached out to hold her, to do something-anything, so he didn’tt have to look at her face, but she put her hands out to stop him.
"No, no, no…stop. It's fine, I'm fine. You should go to New York. It sounds like a wonderful opportunity. It's what I've always wanted for you, and you did it all on your own…." Rachel pausef "without me."
"What, you've always wanted me to move to New York, away from you? How nice."
"Noah, you know that's not what I mean. We haven't been right in awhile, even before that fight, things weren't right between us, and that's mostly my fault. You were right, I have been slipping away, for quite some time. You had every right to be furious with me that night. I should have been there to support you, the "old" me would have. I'm not that person anymore, we are both different people now. You still have the same expectations of me, expectations I don't think I can meet, and it will break my heart to let you down all the time. I just can't do that. Ask yourself if you still want to be with the person who is no longer the girl you fell in love with."
Noah sighed, he knew it was inevitable, but it didn’t stop the tears that were threatening to run down his face-there were onions in the room he swore. What Rachel was saying was mostly true. This was why he hadn't brought this up, he knew when he did it would force them both to face the truth. He had really wanted to just slip away to New York, pretend they were fine when he left, and then time would've done the rest. This was far more painful. He didn’t quite know how or if he could answer Rachel's last question, so he said nothing instead.
"So you've decided then? Are you going to go to New York? I don't have any right to keep you here.. It's not fair. It's time you had your chance to make it big, to be a star, and you will be Noah. I know it." Rachel is openly crying now-Puck couldn’t take this anymore, he was going to start crying, and that just wasn’t something he did. He enveloped Rachel in hug, and held her-feeling the rocking of her body as she sobbed into his shoulder. He wants this to be over already. "Come on Rach, let's go to bed." Rachel lifted her head, looked at him, her face puffy from crying, and nodded. "Who will tell me it's time to go to bed when you leave?" It was one of the corniest things Rachel had ever said to him, and yet perfect-it was one the many reasons he loved her. "I don't know Rach."
When Puck woke up in the morning Rachel was gone, but he found a note on the fridge (with a gold star). 'I'm sorry I had to sneak out so early, there was an agent emergency. I want to see you again before you leave. Can you meet me at the first place we went to when we first moved to L.A? 7 o'clock-I'll text you to confirm.~Rachel.
Puck remembered that place-a club that somehow managed to be both a dance club and a music venue for anyone that was brave enough to get up on stage. Neither of them had been brave enough at the time, and they hadn't gone back since. He suspected Rachel's choice of venue wasn’tt a coincidence, but he knew she wouldn’t tell him what she had planned if he asked. Luckily the store was super busy that day, so he didn’tt have time to think about last night. Before he knew it, it was time to head over to the club -time flies when you are meeting your girlfriend to break up.
When he arrived Rachel was already there. She had already ordered drinks for them, and a salad for herself, which she had barely touched. She looked up as he sat across from her in the booth.
"So, why this place Rach?"
"Well, ah, well you'll see."
"Ok….so what do we do till whatever it is you've got planned happens?"
"Well tonight" Rachel pauses "I want this to be about the old us, the us before we both changed. Just for this night. I thought it was fitting that we return to the first place we visited in L.A…well that wasn't a grocery store. I will try to be the "old me", and you know, you can be you. If you want." Rachel pauses again "Is that okay?"
"Ummm okay Rachel. I guess that's fine. What did you want to talk about then?" Puck was at a loss for words. How were they supposed to magically go back to the people they were in high school? Rachel was right, neither of them were the same people they were in high school. Hell, they weren't supposed to be. All those people that told you life continued after high school, well they were right. Not that all of high school sucked, there had been some very good times.
"So you remember that time that Mercedes….."
For about an hour their trip down memory lane continued. And then Rachel got quiet, the smile leaving her face. "Noah...I didn't' invite you here just to reminisce. Remember the first time we came here? Neither of us sang, we were both too nervous, even me?"
Puck nodded
"Well I'm still nervous, but I was thinking today about what you said, about me not singing anymore. And I love acting, but I do miss singing, and while I don't foresee a film adaptation of a musical in my future, but well………" And Rachel ran out of words. "Just, you'll see. Sometimes Noah, sometimes, you have to sing out your feelings….like we did at glee club."
Puck had no idea what Rachel was on about, but before he could figure it out Rachel was up at the microphone. Oh, shit, she was going to sing.
"Hi So it's' been a long time since I sang in front of a large crowd, but I wanted to do this. I'm not sure how this works, if you are allowed to dedicate songs to people…..anyways, it doesn't' matter the person I'm singing it for, well they know…."
The background music began- it wasn’t something Puck immediately recognized, but he caught on quick.
"Remember all the things we wanted. Now all our memories they're haunted.
We were always meant to say goodbye. Even with our fists held high, would never have worked out right. We were never meant for do or die. Didn't want us to burn out, didn't come here you now I can't stop."
Rachel was looking right at him as she sang, no belted, the song, and he couldn’t look away. He always knew Rachel could rock Kelly Clarkson, but not quite like this. The words, lord, Rachel did always have a knack for choosing just the perfect song.
"Looking at you makes it harder, but I know that you'll find another, that doesn't always make you wanna cry"
Puck tried to look anywhere else except at Rachel, but he couldn’t. Why did she have to make this so hard? She was clearly feeling every word of this song-each word for him. He kinda hated her right now
"Remember all the things we wanted, Now all our memories, they're haunted, We were always meant to say goodbye...I want you to know It doesn't matter where we take this road, Someone's gotta go
And I want you to know. You couldn't have loved me better But I want you to move on So I'm already gone."
Rachel finished the song, and Puck knew he should hang around, but he couldn’tt, he just couldn’t. He sliped out while Rachel was receiving applause. He didn’t call, he didn’t text. By the next week he was in New York.
After a week in the car (L.A to New York is a long drive) listening to songs like 'Come Home', 'Missing You' and 'Slow Dancing in a Burning Room', Puck was ready to get into the studio and write some seriously depressing shit. Having not really planned his exit strategy from L.A, Puck was forced to move in with Artie until he found a place of his own. Artie was surprisingly okay with Puck dumping his crap at his place, and heading straight into the studio; he didn’t ask questions, and gave Puck his space. Puck suspected Artie would have had more an issue with his negligence, but Artie was also there in the studio watching him hash out his first post-Rachel song.
"So what have you got for us Mr. Puckerman? My people in L.A tell me great things about you; apparently you are the next John Mayer."
"Well I do have something in mind. It's not really polished, but the lyrics have sort of been in my head for the past couple of weeks."
"Ok, let's hear it then."
Puck strummed out the melody and began….
"I picture you in the sun wondering what went wrong And falling down on your knees asking for sympathy
And being caught in between all you wish for and all you've seen And trying to find anything you can feel that you can believe in
May God's love be with you Always May God's love be with you"
He paused after the first chorus.. "should I continue?"
He received a nod, and he continued. Just as he was approaching the end of the song he felt Artie's eyes on him, and looked up-then wished he hadn't. It was a look became all too familiar to Puck in the next few weeks-a look of sympathy and pity. Puck didn’t have to tell Artie what happened with Rachel, the song said everything for him.
"Cause I've been caught in between all I wish for and all I need
Maybe you're not even sure what it's for Any more than me
May God's love be with you Always May God's love be with you"
"Well I'm not sure we can release that as your first single, too depressing, but good. Did a girl break your heart or something?"
"Ummm?" Puck looked at them questioningly.
"So that's a yes then. Hmmm….we can run with this, I think, just as long as there are at least one or two upbeat songs on the album. I like you Puckerman. What do you think Artie?"
"Sounds good to me, and I agree-there need to be some upbeat songs on the record. You wouldn't want to be labeled the "emo indie artist" too early in your career, sad and depressed only goes so far.Sure Beck did it with ‘Sea Changes’, but he had several albums under his belt? . Let's run with this song though, and then go from there."
Puck tried calling Rachel a couple of weeks after he'd moved, but got no answer, and she never called back. He tried a month later, and still she didn't pick up. The third time he tried calling-three months after he'd moved to New York, a guy answered the phone.
"Hi, this is Noah right?"
"Yes, and who is this? Where's Rachel?" he didn't recognize the voice.
"Oh, hold a second, I'll get her."
Puck didn't even have time to wonder who this guy was, or why he was answering Rachel's phone, before she answered.
"Noah….what's up? How's New York?"
"Who was that guy? I don't recognize his voice."
"Umm well that's Cassidy, we've been sort of seeing each other for the last month."
"Oh I see. So that's why you never called me back. Good to know one of us is moving on so quickly." And he hung up. Rachel tried calling him back a couple of times, but Puck ignored her calls. Two weeks later, while at the grocery store, he saw a gossip magazine with a picture of Cassidy and Rachel together-they looked happy and the magazine declared them to be one of Hollywood's new ”it” couples. Puck went home and wrote another depressing song, which ironically became his first single.
He didn’t talk to Rachel for another year, she was dating someone new, and hed been dating around-never settling on anyone, which had earned him a 'ladies man' rep, but he didn’t care. He’d settled into his life in New York-found a new place, made some friends, mostly through Kurt and Artie. He was a little happier, working on new songs, and promoting his current album. Time moved on, hewas back in the studio working on new songs, and before he knew it he'd been in New York for over two years.
He came into the studio one day and the guys in his band were talking about Rachel. They immediately shut up when he walked up to them. "What's up guys? What's Rachel up to these days?" he said, trying to sound nonchalant. They just stared at him, and then at each other. "Okay, come on now guys, what's going on?" His bassist, Chris, looked at the rest of the guys and then answered him. "Apparently she's engaged."
"And how did you guys find that out? Don't tell me you've started reading the gossip rags."
"Not exactly," Chris replies.
"Out with already, ok?"
"Artie told me. He found out from Mercedes, who Rachel told personally. I guess their friends or something."
"Yeah…they're friends", and Puck began unpacking his guitar-getting set up for the day.
"So, umm, did you want to practice today? I mean I'm sure they wouldn’t mind if we took the day off."
"Chris, just because my ex-girlfriend supposedly got engaged doesn't mean you guys get the day off. We've got an album to put out, and only a few songs completed so far. Let's get to work."
He didn’t quite know where the words came from, but as soon as he started strumming the guitar, the words came out.
"We'll do it all Everything On our own
We don't need Anything Or anyone
If I lay here, If I just lay here, would lie with me and just forget the world"
He paused to look up at his band mates. "Well what do you think?"
Chris, again answered, "I like it man. The beat is good, steady, catchy - sounds like a song that's gonna make you a big hit with teenage girls Do you have anymore?"
Puck laughed, "sure"
"I don't quite know how to say how I feel
Those three words are said too much, they're not enough
If I lay here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world
Forget what were told, before we get too old, to show me a garden that's bursting into life
Lets waste time, chasing cars, around our heads"
He stopped, having running out of words for the moment. "So what do you guys think? Do you think we can make a single out of this?"
The guys all looked at each other, and then Chris responded, "dude, with a little bit of mixing, I think this definitely single material."
"Ok then, let's continue."
Little did Puck realize, at the time, that he was creating a hit single - a song that would make him a household name, and land him on 'The Late Show' with Jon Stewart.
Puck's phone rang, abruptly ending his trip down memory lane, "hello?"
"Noah, where are you man?" It was Mitchell. "Mercedes says to get your sweet ass down here"-Puck heard some background conversation, and then Mercedes got on the phone. "Ok, I don't know what you were doing that was possibly more important than the party that Kurt and I were throwing for you, but anyways we're leaving the restaurant now, so meet us at Artie's ok?"
"Yeah, sorry Mercedes, I sorta drifted off for a while, but I'll be there, I promise."
"You'd better. Also Kurt says bring your guitar…just in case," and with that she hangs up.
Puck grabbed some pizza from the fridge on his way out, and hailed a cab - not usually his style - but Artie's club was hard to get to by the subway and he was running late. When he got there he found Kurt, and decided to check up on him, but before he can get there Blake intercepts him. Puck was close enough to hear their very brief conversation.
"Why did you come here tonight Blake? I thought I made it pretty clear last night that I needed a break."
"You didn't give me a chance to explain."
"What's there to explain? You don't do commitment. I thought I was fine with it, because it was you, and I loved you, but I realized, after being treated like another one of your boy toys that I still did commitment. And I can't just be your friend with benefits anymore Blake."
"You loved me? As in past tense?" Puck was surprised to hear the disappointment in Blake's voice, but whatever he'd jerked Kurt around for long enough, the guy had it coming.
"It doesn't' matter, you are you, and I am me. I can move on…eventually, I always do."
"But what if I don't want you to? What if do I want more from you?"
Kurt' raised his voice, he was obviously upset, and Puck couldn’t say he blamed him.
"I don't see what else I can give you. I need something in return…..What exactly do you want from me, that I haven't already given you? I think the question is what are you willing to give me?"
"Fuck Kurt. I don't know!" Puck watched as Blake ran his hand through his hair, clearly frustrated.
"Well Blake, until you can decide, I think we'd better not see each other", and with that Kurt stood up and made his way over to Puck. "Come on Noah, what do you say we get drunk?"
Kurt led him over to the bar, and ordered a dirty martini for himself and a jack and coke for Puck, telling him not to worry about paying because Artie had it covered. They sat there for about five minutes, not saying anything, just sipping their drinks, before Puck tried to break the silence - purposely not asking about the conversation he’d just overheard. "So thanks for sending that clip. How much did you have to bribe Jon to play it? How was dinner, did I miss anything? What did Rachel think of the performance?"
Kurt offered up a small laugh. "Not much really, your publicist did most of the work really. You should definitely keep her. You didn't miss much really….well except", Kurt paused.
"What Kurt?"
"Rachel isn't engaged anymore, they broke up, she andJohn. We didn't really talk about that much, so I'm not sure why, but she did mention it."
"What?! Well I doubt she would have mentioned it if I had been there. Do you know why?"
"No" Kurt's eyes drifted off to the stage where Blake, who apparently had bigger balls than Puck gave him credit for, was getting ready to perform. "I think you should ask her yourself." And then, before Puck can tell him 'no way in fuck am I going to ask her about that', Blake was up on stage, talking to the crowd,, distracting them both.
"So, hey all you lovely people." A few girls screamed .He smirks, "thanks ladies, but in all seriousness I'm not up here to give an impromptu concert. I wasn't even supposed to be here, in fact there are people here that specifically asked that I not be here." This prompted a few boos from the crowd. "Now, that person has a legitimate reason for not wanting me here, but I have a very good reason for coming here tonight. I'm not going to really divulge my personal life to all of you, although you guys are all great, but suffice to say that this song I think, well ummm…." Blake ran his hand through hair again, and then looked right at Kurt. "What I want is you. I want only you. I probably love you and that scares the shit out of me. I don't know how else to explain it to you, so…well….." Blake shifted his gaze to the rest of the bar. "I'm sure you guys know this song. It's not mine…anyways…yeah."
"Hey/ Slow it down What do you want from me What do you want from me
Yeah/I'm afraid What do you want from me What do you want from me
There might have been a time when I would give myself away
Oh once upon a time I didn't give a damn
But now here we are, so what do you want from me"
A few people in the crowd cheered, of course recognizing the Adam Lambert song, but, from the way that Blake was staring at Kurt, Puck knew this wasn’t for them . Blake grabbed the mike and began walling away, his emotions easily readable: anger, fear, and hope. By the beginning of the second verse it was plain to not only Puck, but to the rest of the audience, that this performance wasn’t for them at all.
"Yeah/ It's plain to see That baby you are beautiful there's nothing wrong with you (nothing wrong with you) It's me I'm a freak but thanks for loving me 'cause your doing it perfectly
Yeah, there might have been a time when i would just let you slip away
I wouldn't even try but I think you could save my life"
Kurt had been frozen in place since Blake began, but when he finished the song Kurt slipped away, making himself scarce. So Puck was left to make excuses for him when Blake came to find him, looking heartbroken when Puck, told him that he had no idea where Kurt had slipped off to.
"Do you know what he thought of it?" Blake asked worriedly. Puck sipped his drink, and looked over at him. His next comment came out a bit more sarcastic than he intended, but after all that Blake' had put Kurt through he couldn’t help it-he laughed silently to himself as he remembered the bro code "bros before hoes", and how it ironically applied to this situation.
"Oh yeah I'm sure he loved it. I mean Kurt's just a big pushover, right? One song sung by you to him is definitely going to win him over."
Suddenly Blake was in his face, and looked fucking pissed.. "Really, what the fuck do you know about me Noah Puckerman? How do you really know how I feel about Kurt? Ok sure, I haven't exactly been big on the whole commit-to-one-person deal, but that doesn't mean I don't care about Kurt. This whole thing with Kurt is new to me."
"What do you mean this 'whole thing with Kurt'? Like you suddenly woke up one day and realized that you cared enough about him to ditch your man-whore lifestyle?"
"Yeah pretty much."
Puck didn’t know how to respond to that, but he didn’t have to because Kurt had just jumped up on stage, distracting them from their awkward conversation. "Well I think you're about to find out what Kurt thinks either way."
"Yeah", Blake said nervously, "I guess I am".
Kurt approached the microphone, looked over at where Blake and Puck were sitting, and smiled.
"You know, I also sing and perform for a living, but I've never let a song do the talking for me. I've never, if you'll excuse the cheesy glee club reference, 'sung out my feelings'. Tonight, however, I am."
"Guess this means you're sorry you're standing at my door
Guess this means you take back what you said before
Like how much you wanted anyone but me
Said you'd never come back but here you are again
Cuz we belong together now forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me and honestly
My life would suck without you"
Kurt was in his element, strutting around the stage, engaging the the crowd, smiling and having the time of his life. It seemed forever ago that they all performed this for Mr. Shuester after they'd won Regional's their sophomore year. So much had changed since then. When they'd first performed that song both he and Kurt had been back-up singers, relegated to a solo every so often, and now they were both leading guys in their own respective ways. He watched as Kurt pulled Rachel up onto the stage with him to sing the second verse, but he knew that Kurt wasn’t doing this song just for her.
"Maybe I was stupid for telling you goodbye maybe I was wrong for tryin' to pick a fight
I know that I've got issues but you're pretty messed up too either way, I found out I'm nothing without you
Cuz we belong together now forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me and honestly my life would suck without you"
Kurt wasn’t hamming it up with the crowd anymore; he was still commanding the stage, though - Rachel had excused herself -he had eyes only for Blake, who had made his way up to front of the stage, and was standing right in front of him. When Kurt sang the bridge, it was clear that these words were meant for Blake, and only Blake.
"Being with you is so dysfunctional I really shouldn't miss you, but I can't let go oh yeah
Cuz we belong together now forever united here somehow
You got a piece of me and honestly my life would suck without you"
As the last notes faded, Puck watched as Blake jumped up onto the stage in front of Kurt. He smiled, but still seemed a little bit uncertain about what to do, which was very uncharacteristic for him. Kurt smiled back, and that seemed to be enough for Blake, who swooped down on Kurt-picking him up and swinging him around before kissing him. At that moment they fit together; they looked like they belonged together. Puck sighed; he wished he was able to get through to Rachel with just a song - he'd tried, but she hadn't gotten the message.
"They seem happy." Puck turned to find Rachel standing next to him. "Hi Rachel, (he hadn’t called her Rach in a while) having a good time?"
"Yes…it's been nice catching up with everyone here. We missed you at dinner."
"Hmm", Puck replied noncommittally, signaling the bartender for another Jack and Coke.
"It sounds like you guys have all been very busy out here. I must admit I never thought that so many of us from that original club would be so successful."
"Hmmm", Puck replied again taking a swig of his drink. He wanted to ask Rachel about her broken-off engagement, but he couldn’t think of a way to ask that didn’t sound condescending. After all she believed that he'd moved on, best to try to keep up the charade. Instead he took another sip of his drink, and looked out to where Blake and Kurt were wrapped around each other.
"Surprise, surprise", Puck finally replied. He knew he was being surly now, but looking at Kurt and Blake had reminded him of what he used to have with Rachel-before things fell apart.
"Noah what is with you this evening? We haven't even had a chance to talk since I arrived, so I'm not quite sure what I did that's making you so surly."
"Did you enjoy the taping? I know you used to enjoy Jon Stewart, but, people change."
"Ok, I seriously don't know what's up with you, so I'm going to ignore that last bit, although, for your information I do still watch ' The Late Show'. I did enjoy the show, Jon is very engaging, and your performance was very good. Your interaction with the crowd was fantastic, and of course your vocals were good as well."
"Well thanks for that assessment Rachel, I appreciate it", Puck finished his drink, and ordered another.
Before she could reply, he turned to her - asking her the question he probably should've asked before he downed two jack and cokes. "So you aren't engaged anymore. What happened? Did you forget to show up for a performance, or answer your phone, and he realized that you were too involved in yourself to care?"
"And this, this right here, is why I wasn't going to tell you. Why should I tell you why we broke up, when you will only throw it in my face, blame it all on me? Of course it's my fault. It's been almost four years Noah, you forget, or choose to forget, that our breakup was mutual. You moved out to New York, I stayed in L.A, we both moved on. At least I thought we had."
"Well you sure moved on pretty fast. I hadn’t even been New York for 3 months and you'd already moved on. Then you wouldn't return my calls - didn't bother to see how I was doing in New York - for someone that supposedly cared so much about my musical career," Puck downed his drink and orders yet another, "you really took pains to show me just how much you didn't care."
"You don't know that I didn't care, that I don't still care."
"Well you are doing a fucking fantastic job of showing that. That song Rachel, did you even listen to the words in the song? Why did you even come out here, really?"
"What do you mean; did I listen to the lyrics? I have heard the song you know. They do play it on the radio. Of course I know the words to the song, and I came out to see all of you guys - despite what you seem to think I do remember how much you love Jon Stewart, and what a big deal it was for you to finally meet him - I wanted to be here for it. I am not the monster you make me out to be Noah."
Puck ordered another drink, even though he knew it was a bad idea. He sighed deeply, taking a moment to try organize his thoughts.
"Rachel, knowing the words to a song, and understanding them are two different things. I wrote that song for you, about you, after I found out you were engaged."
"What?"
"Yes"
"Why?"
"Why?”, Puck practically shouted. Rachel, you've always assumed that I got over you, but you never bothered to ask. We never had that conversation. Yeah I know I could've brought it up, but really when could I have? You were always seriously dating someone. Then I found out that you were engaged, and you didn't tell me - never called. I couldn't call you; that song, that song is what came out."
Rachel's voice got very small, and her next words sounded more like a plea then a request. "Noah please don't tell me that, just, please don't tell me that. It's too early, too soon…please."
"Too soon?" Puck laughed, "I think what you mean is too late right? A day late, a dollar short - always the ‘Lima Loser” that can't quite get it together in time. If I had gotten my shit together, figured out my "feelings" earlier you wouldn't have gotten engaged, if I had fought for you. Fuck, I don't know, if I had gone out to L.A….but I didn't, and now I'm writing songs that will get me laid, but won't get me you, because you don't realize that most of those songs are for you."
"Noah that's not what I meant at all. I just meat don't tell me those things, don't tell me that a song is for me, not now, I can't handle it, not from you."
"Why Rachel? What is it that you can't tell me? I'm really dying to know. Because I've just basically admitted that I'm still in love with you, and yet you won't give me an answer to a simple question."
Rachel practically whispered, "it's not that simple….I can't-not now, maybe soon, someday."
"Oh good, why don't you not tell me when you decide to do that, because I'd really like to find out from my band mates, again, when you know." Puck downed another Jack & Coke; he was definitely feeling tipsy, and ordered another. He looked at Rachel, who looked like she needed a drink as well. He remembered Kurt's advice: "talk to her before you drink too much." Well that just went out the window. On the other hand he had wanted to get this off his chest for quite awhile, and he knew he'd never have the courage sober.
"Noah….."
"No Rachel, just stop. I am tired of hearing about your life from other people."
"It doesn't have to be that way, you can always call, but you never do."
"Why would I call you Rachel? You made it pretty clear that first year that you didn't want to talk to me."
"I needed space…you needed space. We needed time away from each other."
"Oh, I didn't realize there was a timeframe for such things, sorry my bad."
"Noah, please, stop. You may not understand why I did what I did, but what's done is done. Can't we just look past that and try to be friends again."
Puck finished off his fifth, maybe, he's lost track, drink. "You know Rachel, I'm actually kind of glad that you didn't fill me in on the details of your life-that I got to find out about them from gossip magazines and my friends. Do you want to know why?"
"Well Noah, I'm sure you're going to tell me anyways, as drunk as you are now." Rachel sighed, "so go ahead, tell me why."
"Because it inspired me to write about all the things you weren't telling me -those things you were sharing with other people - about how you shut me out of your life."
Rachel had gone from looking upset to angry; Puck had forgotten how quickly she could do that.
"Surely not every song you've written is about what a bitch I am."
"No. I wrote Chasing Cars about you too, but you don't want to admit it."
"So give me an example, what is one song that you wrote that is about how I broke your heart, and everything is my fault."
"You know Rachel, I’m not going to tell you ….I'll show you instead."
He didn’t give Rachel a chance to respond, he was afraid she'd stop him, and he really wanted to sing this song to her. The song she would understand- it said exactly what he'd always wanted to tell her in person, but had never had the courage to. Maybe now she'd understand. He grabbed his guitar from Artie's office, and then went to find Artie.
He found Artie hanging out with Mitchell and Mercedes, and Kurt and Blake-laughing about something. He looked up as Puck cleared his throat.
"Hey Noah what's up? Have you been catching up with Rachel?" he said, winking at the rest of the group.
Puck had had about enough of their games.
"Sure, been having a blast. I want to do a song. Is that ok?"
"No problem, tonight's been sort of a free-for-all, and I don't have anyone scheduled for the rest evening. Do your worst."
"Thanks man."
Puck got up on the stage, adjusted the microphone, and gave a short wave to the crowd.
"Hey guys. So I'm not gonna lie, I'm kinda drunk right now." The crowd laughs. "Yeah my publicist is gonna love me for that," Puck scanned the crowd and found Rachel "and she's gonna love what I have to say next too. So this song I'm gonna sing is from my first album, it wasn't on the radio because my record company thought it was too depressing. I wrote it just after I'd moved here….after some girl broke my heart." And yeah Stephanie was going to kill him, but the Jack & Cokes seemed to have given him a case of verbal diarrhea. "I guess you could say its' about realizing, at the end of a relationship, just how useless you are to the other person." Puck adjusts his guitar, looks directly at Rachel, and begins singing.
"Maybe it's because I'm Crazy maybe it's because I just can't honestly tell you what I want
It's never enough, to stay still and hold you To break loose and run the taste of you wild on my tongue"
He spit out the refrain
"Am I no good to you now (Am I no good to you)
Am I no good to you now (Am I no good to you)
Yeah we're spilling over We're falling apart"
He reigned his emotions back in for the second verse and chorus, but towards the end he started to lose it-remembering how hurt he was when he wrote those lyrics.
"And all I say doesn't matter anyway Yeah all I say doesn't matter anyway
I've given up, so call my bluff, Cuz I just need to be reminded who I am
"I've Fallin apart Yeah we're spillin over
I'm fallin apart I've given up and startin over
I wanna be the one who'll hold you
Fallin' apart So it'll be love"
Strumming the last notes on the guitar, Puck looked at Rachel-she had tears in her eyes. He finished the song, and then packed up the guitar case. When he looked back up, Rachel was gone. Not wanting to talk to anyone he headed over to the bar to order another drink, and sulk. Kurt found him later, after Blake had left, and together they got shit faced, although for completely different reasons.