Senior year
I feel like I have a problem with nostalgia.
I'm sitting here, in my half empty dorm room, waiting for graduation tomorrow. All of my decorations are off the walls, and many of my things are packed away. It's pretty much just the essentials left out.
It's depressing.
It always is, looking at a blank college room. The walls are boring shades of white and beige, and the furniture is uninspiring. That's sort of what I've always liked about moving into a new room each year- you get a new chance to take a blank canvas and make it your own space, your own home. I tend to fill the windowsill with plants (tho admittedly that didn't work out so well last year, what with me not having a sun-facing window), and cover the walls with posters and random printed pictures of my current obsession. This year that was Sherlock and Steam Powered Giraffe. (Much more SPG by the end of the year, though.) Everything was organized, everything had its place, and I was very comfortable here. This might have been my favorite room in all four years of my being here. I loved the common room, too- my friends were as big fandom nerds as I was, and we had a fandom wall that covered an entire wall (and parts of the other three) of the suite. It was nice coming in every day from class and being able to lie on the couch and just reread all of the meme pictures, relook at all of my favorites. I'm going to miss it.
I'm sitting in my room, and I'm remembering the day I moved in, how upset I was when I couldn't get my command hooks to stick so I could hang up my lights and Megan offering me duct tape to keep them up (duct tape that lasted, by the way, until this morning. Go Megan). I remember how pathetic my first night or two was in here, with only my lights and my Mr Holmes poster for company. I remember printing out tons of pictures and taping them up as quickly as possible to give the room a homey feel. I remember adding things to the walls regularly, up to as recently as a week or so ago. I had my entire door covered in drawings I had done, I had my door sign outside my room surrounded by cut outs of SPG, I even put a picture of Rabbit waving at you on top of the sign for the bathroom as a cheeky joke. I had my soft little rug on the floor that made my room surprisingly more bearable (I prefer lying down to being at a desk), I had my picture frame full of Sherlock prints on the floor at the foot of my bed.
I remember starting the school year, how awkward and anxious I felt starting three 101 classes that were full of freshmen, even though I'm a senior. I remember meeting my roommates and trying desperately to learn all of their names so I didn't offend them. I remember learning who I got along with and who I didn't. I remember meeting Maddie.
That was only a month into the school year when I met her. I think that's one of the things that made this year feel like it was on fast forward (though, to be fair, every year feels like that when you think back on it). Less than two weeks after meeting her, she'd gotten me into SPG. I'm in love with Rabbit and I feel so at home in that fandom and in the steampunk culture. It's because of her I got into makeup, became more comfortable with my feminine side, made a costume and went to the best convention of my life last weekend. Things weren't perfect, but she was so amazing and I'm so so grateful that I met her. I remember sitting on my bed with her when we were just newly dating, trying to think of things to do. I remember showing her Peacock, going on walks with her, playing games, showing her my writing, telling her about my tulpas. I remember going to her house for the first time and meeting her cats. I remember sleeping over and playing in the coolest fucking hot tub I've ever seen. I remember watching Sherlock with her and her asking to kiss me. I remember her being there for me the entire semester, even though I was constantly sick. I remember her getting a concussion the week after we met, I remember her still wanting to talk to me, even though I left our first date early because I got food poisoning. I remember the fucking awkward date we had at the Chinese restaurant, and her *still* wanting to talk to me. I remember us talking and learning about how much we had in common, how many times we had met (and almost met) and never knew. I remember trying to teach her Spanish, and her trying to teach me ASL. I remember her coming over for Halloween and our spur of the moment decision to get me robot makeup that started my obsession and led me to eventually creating my robot, Binary. I remember meeting her friends, her family, and learning about her past. I remember our love for Honeybee.
Unfortunately, I also remember getting depressed in January, and wondering if I should still be dating her- I felt nothing for so long, and I felt so horrible, and I didn't even know why. We did break up, and that week or two after was the worst time of my life. I felt so alone, not being able to just reach for my phone and text her anytime like I had been doing for almost five months. Thankfully we started talking again and are still friends- I love her so much and I would have missed her terribly if she had gone out of my life. I need her, I think. I don't want to lose her after graduation.
I learned so much this year, and I made so many friends, and I had so much fun helping to run Peers, and I'm going to miss Arcadia terribly. All of the traditions, like late night breakfast and destress with pets, the walks by the creek, the dancing in the snow and making snow dragons, the climbing trees, the snowball fights and sledding and random snow sculptures you'd find after snow days, the beautiful campus, the water feature and the castle and the bridge, the classroom where I had my first year seminar, my favorite professors, the prison-looking science building, Easton and Brubaker where I practically lived throughout my four years here, the study abroad semesters where I became so independent and learned so much and made so many good friends, the equally delicious and crap-tastic food at the DH, French and Spanish tables, writing my thesis, working for the LRN, getting my tattoo, playing Slenderman and watching horror movies, Guy Fawkes Day, crushes on so many people, the cool psych professor who was always playing his guitar, philosophical conversations that went on late into the night, trips to Ritas and Walmart and everywhere else, running across the median, movies on the green, magicians and comedians and music and laughter and tears, painting rugs, watching fireworks, having study abroad friends visit us in the States, catching salamanders and fish in the creek, getting terrified by huge ass crayfish, finding a snake, tracking deer, seeing foxes and racoons and coyotes, taking drawing class and finally feeling like I have skill as an artist, watching political debates and putting up Bernie signs, planting flowers and getting free food, meeting people by accident who became your best friends...
It's been an amazing four years. Despite the bouts of depression and the occasional drama, I've made so many friends here, and so many memories, and I'm so glad I came. I'm so glad I'm graduating. I'm terrified of what comes after, to be honest- I don't really know what I'm doing this summer, or this coming year, and that scares me. I've had crying fits out of anxiety, and I've wished I was dead. But I'm trying to stay hopeful. I can always remember what happened, and how far I've come, and what I've experienced, and yeah, it can make me sad. I can wish that I could just repeat this year over and over because it's a comfortable time that I'd like to stay in forever. But that isn't possible. I need to grieve, I suppose, for what I'm losing, but I also need to realize that a new chapter is starting. And yeah, it's less scripted, and yeah, my decisions mean more now. Life isn't a rollercoaster, and there isn't just one path that I have to follow by force. I can be afraid of that, or I can try and take life on.
I hope that I have enough strength to do the latter, and that I manage to find my place.
I'm sitting here, in my half empty dorm room, waiting for graduation tomorrow. All of my decorations are off the walls, and many of my things are packed away. It's pretty much just the essentials left out.
It's depressing.
It always is, looking at a blank college room. The walls are boring shades of white and beige, and the furniture is uninspiring. That's sort of what I've always liked about moving into a new room each year- you get a new chance to take a blank canvas and make it your own space, your own home. I tend to fill the windowsill with plants (tho admittedly that didn't work out so well last year, what with me not having a sun-facing window), and cover the walls with posters and random printed pictures of my current obsession. This year that was Sherlock and Steam Powered Giraffe. (Much more SPG by the end of the year, though.) Everything was organized, everything had its place, and I was very comfortable here. This might have been my favorite room in all four years of my being here. I loved the common room, too- my friends were as big fandom nerds as I was, and we had a fandom wall that covered an entire wall (and parts of the other three) of the suite. It was nice coming in every day from class and being able to lie on the couch and just reread all of the meme pictures, relook at all of my favorites. I'm going to miss it.
I'm sitting in my room, and I'm remembering the day I moved in, how upset I was when I couldn't get my command hooks to stick so I could hang up my lights and Megan offering me duct tape to keep them up (duct tape that lasted, by the way, until this morning. Go Megan). I remember how pathetic my first night or two was in here, with only my lights and my Mr Holmes poster for company. I remember printing out tons of pictures and taping them up as quickly as possible to give the room a homey feel. I remember adding things to the walls regularly, up to as recently as a week or so ago. I had my entire door covered in drawings I had done, I had my door sign outside my room surrounded by cut outs of SPG, I even put a picture of Rabbit waving at you on top of the sign for the bathroom as a cheeky joke. I had my soft little rug on the floor that made my room surprisingly more bearable (I prefer lying down to being at a desk), I had my picture frame full of Sherlock prints on the floor at the foot of my bed.
I remember starting the school year, how awkward and anxious I felt starting three 101 classes that were full of freshmen, even though I'm a senior. I remember meeting my roommates and trying desperately to learn all of their names so I didn't offend them. I remember learning who I got along with and who I didn't. I remember meeting Maddie.
That was only a month into the school year when I met her. I think that's one of the things that made this year feel like it was on fast forward (though, to be fair, every year feels like that when you think back on it). Less than two weeks after meeting her, she'd gotten me into SPG. I'm in love with Rabbit and I feel so at home in that fandom and in the steampunk culture. It's because of her I got into makeup, became more comfortable with my feminine side, made a costume and went to the best convention of my life last weekend. Things weren't perfect, but she was so amazing and I'm so so grateful that I met her. I remember sitting on my bed with her when we were just newly dating, trying to think of things to do. I remember showing her Peacock, going on walks with her, playing games, showing her my writing, telling her about my tulpas. I remember going to her house for the first time and meeting her cats. I remember sleeping over and playing in the coolest fucking hot tub I've ever seen. I remember watching Sherlock with her and her asking to kiss me. I remember her being there for me the entire semester, even though I was constantly sick. I remember her getting a concussion the week after we met, I remember her still wanting to talk to me, even though I left our first date early because I got food poisoning. I remember the fucking awkward date we had at the Chinese restaurant, and her *still* wanting to talk to me. I remember us talking and learning about how much we had in common, how many times we had met (and almost met) and never knew. I remember trying to teach her Spanish, and her trying to teach me ASL. I remember her coming over for Halloween and our spur of the moment decision to get me robot makeup that started my obsession and led me to eventually creating my robot, Binary. I remember meeting her friends, her family, and learning about her past. I remember our love for Honeybee.
Unfortunately, I also remember getting depressed in January, and wondering if I should still be dating her- I felt nothing for so long, and I felt so horrible, and I didn't even know why. We did break up, and that week or two after was the worst time of my life. I felt so alone, not being able to just reach for my phone and text her anytime like I had been doing for almost five months. Thankfully we started talking again and are still friends- I love her so much and I would have missed her terribly if she had gone out of my life. I need her, I think. I don't want to lose her after graduation.
I learned so much this year, and I made so many friends, and I had so much fun helping to run Peers, and I'm going to miss Arcadia terribly. All of the traditions, like late night breakfast and destress with pets, the walks by the creek, the dancing in the snow and making snow dragons, the climbing trees, the snowball fights and sledding and random snow sculptures you'd find after snow days, the beautiful campus, the water feature and the castle and the bridge, the classroom where I had my first year seminar, my favorite professors, the prison-looking science building, Easton and Brubaker where I practically lived throughout my four years here, the study abroad semesters where I became so independent and learned so much and made so many good friends, the equally delicious and crap-tastic food at the DH, French and Spanish tables, writing my thesis, working for the LRN, getting my tattoo, playing Slenderman and watching horror movies, Guy Fawkes Day, crushes on so many people, the cool psych professor who was always playing his guitar, philosophical conversations that went on late into the night, trips to Ritas and Walmart and everywhere else, running across the median, movies on the green, magicians and comedians and music and laughter and tears, painting rugs, watching fireworks, having study abroad friends visit us in the States, catching salamanders and fish in the creek, getting terrified by huge ass crayfish, finding a snake, tracking deer, seeing foxes and racoons and coyotes, taking drawing class and finally feeling like I have skill as an artist, watching political debates and putting up Bernie signs, planting flowers and getting free food, meeting people by accident who became your best friends...
It's been an amazing four years. Despite the bouts of depression and the occasional drama, I've made so many friends here, and so many memories, and I'm so glad I came. I'm so glad I'm graduating. I'm terrified of what comes after, to be honest- I don't really know what I'm doing this summer, or this coming year, and that scares me. I've had crying fits out of anxiety, and I've wished I was dead. But I'm trying to stay hopeful. I can always remember what happened, and how far I've come, and what I've experienced, and yeah, it can make me sad. I can wish that I could just repeat this year over and over because it's a comfortable time that I'd like to stay in forever. But that isn't possible. I need to grieve, I suppose, for what I'm losing, but I also need to realize that a new chapter is starting. And yeah, it's less scripted, and yeah, my decisions mean more now. Life isn't a rollercoaster, and there isn't just one path that I have to follow by force. I can be afraid of that, or I can try and take life on.
I hope that I have enough strength to do the latter, and that I manage to find my place.