Day 353
So this week has been tricky in terms of forcing; I started a course in medical interpreting last Thursday, and the class+the reading have been taking up a lot of my time. However, on the days when I am not in the city, I have been doing my best to keep up with my visualizing. I still only have my alarm set for fifteen minute sessions, but I also make sure to have at least one conversation with Sherlock and John apart from the visualizing, and I think I may be able to start expanding my sessions soon. (More on this later.)
So I think I have progressed past the point of simply visualizing colors and lines and shapes in a void. That was also a bit difficult, to be honest. Now I have a pad of drawing paper in the wonderland where I take markers and colored pencils and draw- it seems to help me visualize better, though I need to work on my memory. I can remember some of what I drew for a certain length of time, but some of it I forget when I try to look back at all of my papers for one session.
I've also moved on to visualizing specific, more complicated objects within the wonderland. Already I have been treading a very familiar path when I work on the wonderland (which admittedly got boring after a while, which is why I stopped before): I often appear on the street outside of Speedy's/221B and visualize the buildings (very sketchily) and the road and pavement. Then I approach the front door, open it, and go inside. I visualize the first floor, up until Mrs. Hudson's rooms. Occasionally I go into the basement- we fixed it up and that's where Martin (Cabin Pressure 'bond) stays when he's in town. Then I go upstairs, making sure to count the stairs, and go into 221B. I've become very familiar with the living room, and I'm pretty familiar by now with Sherlock and John's rooms (though John has two versions of his, which has been giving me a headache-literally, since we've never seen it on the show and I have no idea how it fits into the rest of the building's architecture) but I barely know the kitchen at all. (Need to look at more reference pics.) What I've been doing the last few days is choosing a specific object and working on seeing it in a detailed manner. I've done the tea table by the fireplace, Sherlock's chair, the coffee/long+low table, the carpet, and started to work on John's chair and the sofa. I know I probably won't be able to get in every single knickknack I see on screen, but I want to start having more objects readily… available? It's hard to describe this concept, since I sincerely believe that John and Sherlock can use and see whatever they want in their flat, but visualizing everything in detail makes it easier for me to… accept that it's real? To use it?
But yes, trying to figure out how the whole flat fits together has been giving me literal headaches. Earlier I mentioned that I wanted to expand my sessions? Well, I've found myself getting to the fifteen minute mark and wanting to do more, which makes me very happy! So I decided to try and go from visualizing very specifically to more generally placing rooms and feeling the "space" of the rooms, because that is very difficult for me. (I cannot conceptualize sizes very well, whether it be Sherlock's body next to mine as I judge where to put my hands or how many paces across a room is. There's no sensory input to go off of except for my eyes, and even though I can "feel" textures very well with my mind, I have no idea what the proportions for anything are. I can't walk across the floor and naturally see things move- I have to control everything, which is very tiring.) However, I think that, since the flat on screen is not an actual building, there are some inconsistencies with how things are placed (or maybe I am just remembering horribly wrong). I have justified the window in the staircase to myself, saying that there is probably an alley (even though there seems to be one below the kitchen as well?), and I have given up on trying to make Mrs. Hudson's rooms make sense. But when we go upstairs, first I don't know where the bathroom fits in relation to the staircase window, and I have no idea where John's bedroom is- presumably there's a whole 'nother floor above the living room, but is that space used? I also have a "headcanon" room pictured for John, which we have used… but doesn't make any sense with how the staircase is placed. So… at the moment the top of the stairs is basically a portal and John chooses whatever bedroom he wants to have for that moment. I hope to figure this out, as well as the other architectural headaches, soon. Still, I'm pleased that I'm getting able to finally be confident in my ability to do this!
I realize that, along with visualizing, I also have to work on conversation, and this is and has been difficult for me. Sometimes it is difficult because I am busy (like when I am at my course) or Sherlock and John are busy (cases or work), or I am just being selfish and I want to spend time doing something external that is more gratifying. I forget if I said it here already, but I have been trying to adopt a "texting" form of communication with them that seems to be helping a lot (though I've been using it less lately- maybe it jumpstarted things or taught me how to think at them, I'm not sure). I think I also need to watch the show again soon. It helps me with their body and facial language, and it reminds me of their voices. I watched a couple short youtube videos two nights ago and tried to close my eyes so I could hear their voices as if they were just talking inside my head, and then afterwards when I said something to Sherlock, his response sounded much more real. I've gotten two responses from him in the last two days that have given me a fluttering in my stomach, and that makes me so happy.
We're only progressing little bits at a time, but I'm just happy that we're progressing at all. :)
So I think I have progressed past the point of simply visualizing colors and lines and shapes in a void. That was also a bit difficult, to be honest. Now I have a pad of drawing paper in the wonderland where I take markers and colored pencils and draw- it seems to help me visualize better, though I need to work on my memory. I can remember some of what I drew for a certain length of time, but some of it I forget when I try to look back at all of my papers for one session.
I've also moved on to visualizing specific, more complicated objects within the wonderland. Already I have been treading a very familiar path when I work on the wonderland (which admittedly got boring after a while, which is why I stopped before): I often appear on the street outside of Speedy's/221B and visualize the buildings (very sketchily) and the road and pavement. Then I approach the front door, open it, and go inside. I visualize the first floor, up until Mrs. Hudson's rooms. Occasionally I go into the basement- we fixed it up and that's where Martin (Cabin Pressure 'bond) stays when he's in town. Then I go upstairs, making sure to count the stairs, and go into 221B. I've become very familiar with the living room, and I'm pretty familiar by now with Sherlock and John's rooms (though John has two versions of his, which has been giving me a headache-literally, since we've never seen it on the show and I have no idea how it fits into the rest of the building's architecture) but I barely know the kitchen at all. (Need to look at more reference pics.) What I've been doing the last few days is choosing a specific object and working on seeing it in a detailed manner. I've done the tea table by the fireplace, Sherlock's chair, the coffee/long+low table, the carpet, and started to work on John's chair and the sofa. I know I probably won't be able to get in every single knickknack I see on screen, but I want to start having more objects readily… available? It's hard to describe this concept, since I sincerely believe that John and Sherlock can use and see whatever they want in their flat, but visualizing everything in detail makes it easier for me to… accept that it's real? To use it?
But yes, trying to figure out how the whole flat fits together has been giving me literal headaches. Earlier I mentioned that I wanted to expand my sessions? Well, I've found myself getting to the fifteen minute mark and wanting to do more, which makes me very happy! So I decided to try and go from visualizing very specifically to more generally placing rooms and feeling the "space" of the rooms, because that is very difficult for me. (I cannot conceptualize sizes very well, whether it be Sherlock's body next to mine as I judge where to put my hands or how many paces across a room is. There's no sensory input to go off of except for my eyes, and even though I can "feel" textures very well with my mind, I have no idea what the proportions for anything are. I can't walk across the floor and naturally see things move- I have to control everything, which is very tiring.) However, I think that, since the flat on screen is not an actual building, there are some inconsistencies with how things are placed (or maybe I am just remembering horribly wrong). I have justified the window in the staircase to myself, saying that there is probably an alley (even though there seems to be one below the kitchen as well?), and I have given up on trying to make Mrs. Hudson's rooms make sense. But when we go upstairs, first I don't know where the bathroom fits in relation to the staircase window, and I have no idea where John's bedroom is- presumably there's a whole 'nother floor above the living room, but is that space used? I also have a "headcanon" room pictured for John, which we have used… but doesn't make any sense with how the staircase is placed. So… at the moment the top of the stairs is basically a portal and John chooses whatever bedroom he wants to have for that moment. I hope to figure this out, as well as the other architectural headaches, soon. Still, I'm pleased that I'm getting able to finally be confident in my ability to do this!
I realize that, along with visualizing, I also have to work on conversation, and this is and has been difficult for me. Sometimes it is difficult because I am busy (like when I am at my course) or Sherlock and John are busy (cases or work), or I am just being selfish and I want to spend time doing something external that is more gratifying. I forget if I said it here already, but I have been trying to adopt a "texting" form of communication with them that seems to be helping a lot (though I've been using it less lately- maybe it jumpstarted things or taught me how to think at them, I'm not sure). I think I also need to watch the show again soon. It helps me with their body and facial language, and it reminds me of their voices. I watched a couple short youtube videos two nights ago and tried to close my eyes so I could hear their voices as if they were just talking inside my head, and then afterwards when I said something to Sherlock, his response sounded much more real. I've gotten two responses from him in the last two days that have given me a fluttering in my stomach, and that makes me so happy.
We're only progressing little bits at a time, but I'm just happy that we're progressing at all. :)