Plan of Action
So. I am starting to come to terms with the fact that I have been absolutely awful and lazy with a lot of things for a long time now: I like languages but I don't study them enough. I want to be a Kemetic pagan but I don't research enough or do (in my opinion) enough religious/spiritual activities. I want to have close/well-developed soulbonds/tulpas but I don't put enough time in. SO I am going to make a plan for myself to try and improve these areas.
First topic is really easy. If I want to become fluent in multiple languages, I actually have to study them. Fancy that. And I have to do it as close to every day as I possibly can. I need to read stories and listen to music and watch movies in foreign languages. I need to study my grammar books and learn vocabulary and, for languages that don't use my alphabet, study theirs. Just because I'm great at Spanish doesn't mean I shouldn't study it as well. I should keep reading and listening, because it's rare for me to find people in real life to practice with outside of school, and I have a horrible track record of staying on websites long. I don't expect to become OMG NATIVE FLUENT in every language I want, but I want to be able to have a good conversation with someone if the need arises. I want to be able to do this in: Spanish, French, American Sign Language, Japanese, Arabic, Russian, Brazilian Portuguese, and either German or Danish, depending. I have books/materials for all of those except German/Danish, so I should get started.
Second: I have to admit, I am a lot more comfortable with where I am, religion-wise, than I was last summer. I first got into paganism last winter, so it's almost a year and a half that I've been into this. I have gods that I communicate with consistently, I give them offerings, I pray to them, I try to do real-life things for them, and of course I ask for their help in return. What I would like to do is read more about the Kemetic religion and history so I can know more about the gods and where they came from. I'd like to learn more about the myths and stories. I'd maybe like to learn some prayers, though I have to admit I feel a little silly saying scripted things (it was normal when I was Catholic, but here I'm the only one talking and I've generally liked speaking frankly to Thoth and the others). Still, I think I'm progressing fairly nicely. I just need to put more time into it. I'm not sure how much I want to get into magic- the problem is that, even though I accept it, I'm not sure how much I *believe* in it. Like, I passively believe/accept things when I see other people talking about them, but I haven't had much experience with magic or supernatural things in my own life, so it's hard for me to get into the mindset I think you need for those things. I'll keep trying.
Third: Because I have been Soulbonding since fourth or fifth grade, I have been very arrogant about the whole thing. I never worked at it before- I would just gain an interest in a new universe and then there I'd be, communicating with someone new. I didn't care that it wasn't very clear, or that they would fade and I would find someone else. As long as my head wasn't empty, I didn't care. Then when I started doing tulpa exercises to improve my relationship with Sherlock and John, I was still lazy- I assumed that they were already capable of doing lots of things themselves and so I didn't put nearly as much work into them as I should have. I still don't. And I feel guilty about it almost every day. I doubt that I get an hour with them every day (now granted, this is because, as you can probably tell, I try and do five thousand things every day and sometimes I get distracted. Still, I need to find the time, because they're important). So I have taken the first step and have started to compile notes from several different guides. I am condensing all the good guides that I can find into one Word document (hopefully so I can print it out or at least not need the internet to study) and I will try and use these notes/exercises/games to start working harder on them. I have reason to be motivated- I notice that, when I spend more time thinking directly at them and spending time with them, they seem to respond and our communication improves. I *know* this. There's no excuse. It pains me to think that, if I had been working this hard at the beginning, our communication might be three times as good by now. I desperately want to make up for lost time.
It is difficult- there are lots of skills that I need to work on for forcing. I need to talk to them, I need to visualize them- I'm finding myself sitting here for ten minutes at a time struggling to even visualize squares of different colors. I don't understand how this is- I daydream and write and lose myself in my mind so often. Why is this hard? I find myself jumping from thing to thing, unsure where to focus my attention, and I despair because I feel as if I'm so far behind and there's too much for me to do. I feel as if I've been lying this whole time, and what if it's all been fake because I didn't put this effort in before? I try to remind myself that I *have* had experiences with them that I can't deny, and I know that I am better in some things than I give myself credit for, but it's so hard to not get depressed at times. It's hard for me to stay motivated with this much pressure- I'm the type of person who gives up and wallows when I feel this way. But I'm trying to struggle through.
Really, I think what I want to ultimately prove to myself is that I have control. I have the ability to change myself. I have the ability to make my reality different. If I study, I'll be able to speak another language and feel less shame when I don't have to tell people, "Oh, I'm not really fluent/I only know a few words…". If I devote myself more fully to magic and the gods and the supernatural, maybe I'll start to notice the little things more, I'll be able to feel more connected. If I spend more time developing my tulpas/soulbonds and training my mind to work and believe differently, I will have new life experiences that will forever change and affect me. I don't want to be the John Watson who sits on the couch in his therapist's office saying, "nothing happens to me." I want to believe, I want to experience, I don't want to be left out any longer.
I don't know where I'm going to find the time. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this alone, or who I will turn to when things get hard. But I want things to change, and it's high time that I get up and start trying to change them myself.
I want to change.
First topic is really easy. If I want to become fluent in multiple languages, I actually have to study them. Fancy that. And I have to do it as close to every day as I possibly can. I need to read stories and listen to music and watch movies in foreign languages. I need to study my grammar books and learn vocabulary and, for languages that don't use my alphabet, study theirs. Just because I'm great at Spanish doesn't mean I shouldn't study it as well. I should keep reading and listening, because it's rare for me to find people in real life to practice with outside of school, and I have a horrible track record of staying on websites long. I don't expect to become OMG NATIVE FLUENT in every language I want, but I want to be able to have a good conversation with someone if the need arises. I want to be able to do this in: Spanish, French, American Sign Language, Japanese, Arabic, Russian, Brazilian Portuguese, and either German or Danish, depending. I have books/materials for all of those except German/Danish, so I should get started.
Second: I have to admit, I am a lot more comfortable with where I am, religion-wise, than I was last summer. I first got into paganism last winter, so it's almost a year and a half that I've been into this. I have gods that I communicate with consistently, I give them offerings, I pray to them, I try to do real-life things for them, and of course I ask for their help in return. What I would like to do is read more about the Kemetic religion and history so I can know more about the gods and where they came from. I'd like to learn more about the myths and stories. I'd maybe like to learn some prayers, though I have to admit I feel a little silly saying scripted things (it was normal when I was Catholic, but here I'm the only one talking and I've generally liked speaking frankly to Thoth and the others). Still, I think I'm progressing fairly nicely. I just need to put more time into it. I'm not sure how much I want to get into magic- the problem is that, even though I accept it, I'm not sure how much I *believe* in it. Like, I passively believe/accept things when I see other people talking about them, but I haven't had much experience with magic or supernatural things in my own life, so it's hard for me to get into the mindset I think you need for those things. I'll keep trying.
Third: Because I have been Soulbonding since fourth or fifth grade, I have been very arrogant about the whole thing. I never worked at it before- I would just gain an interest in a new universe and then there I'd be, communicating with someone new. I didn't care that it wasn't very clear, or that they would fade and I would find someone else. As long as my head wasn't empty, I didn't care. Then when I started doing tulpa exercises to improve my relationship with Sherlock and John, I was still lazy- I assumed that they were already capable of doing lots of things themselves and so I didn't put nearly as much work into them as I should have. I still don't. And I feel guilty about it almost every day. I doubt that I get an hour with them every day (now granted, this is because, as you can probably tell, I try and do five thousand things every day and sometimes I get distracted. Still, I need to find the time, because they're important). So I have taken the first step and have started to compile notes from several different guides. I am condensing all the good guides that I can find into one Word document (hopefully so I can print it out or at least not need the internet to study) and I will try and use these notes/exercises/games to start working harder on them. I have reason to be motivated- I notice that, when I spend more time thinking directly at them and spending time with them, they seem to respond and our communication improves. I *know* this. There's no excuse. It pains me to think that, if I had been working this hard at the beginning, our communication might be three times as good by now. I desperately want to make up for lost time.
It is difficult- there are lots of skills that I need to work on for forcing. I need to talk to them, I need to visualize them- I'm finding myself sitting here for ten minutes at a time struggling to even visualize squares of different colors. I don't understand how this is- I daydream and write and lose myself in my mind so often. Why is this hard? I find myself jumping from thing to thing, unsure where to focus my attention, and I despair because I feel as if I'm so far behind and there's too much for me to do. I feel as if I've been lying this whole time, and what if it's all been fake because I didn't put this effort in before? I try to remind myself that I *have* had experiences with them that I can't deny, and I know that I am better in some things than I give myself credit for, but it's so hard to not get depressed at times. It's hard for me to stay motivated with this much pressure- I'm the type of person who gives up and wallows when I feel this way. But I'm trying to struggle through.
Really, I think what I want to ultimately prove to myself is that I have control. I have the ability to change myself. I have the ability to make my reality different. If I study, I'll be able to speak another language and feel less shame when I don't have to tell people, "Oh, I'm not really fluent/I only know a few words…". If I devote myself more fully to magic and the gods and the supernatural, maybe I'll start to notice the little things more, I'll be able to feel more connected. If I spend more time developing my tulpas/soulbonds and training my mind to work and believe differently, I will have new life experiences that will forever change and affect me. I don't want to be the John Watson who sits on the couch in his therapist's office saying, "nothing happens to me." I want to believe, I want to experience, I don't want to be left out any longer.
I don't know where I'm going to find the time. I don't know how I'm going to be able to do this alone, or who I will turn to when things get hard. But I want things to change, and it's high time that I get up and start trying to change them myself.
I want to change.