Spirituality and my current state of mind
It's been a really indescribable few weeks.
The tulpa exercises with Sherlock and John are going pretty well. I still haven't *really* heard Sherlock yet- we had one or two good responses a couple weeks ago where it wasn't like physically hearing him, but more like a mindvoice that sounded like him, not me. Lately it's just him sending me concepts that I turn into words, but I'm trying to keep things moving. He's bored by the alphabet game, so we need to think of other things to talk about. He did try telling me about a case he had this week, but I only got a few details. (It had something to do with a donut maker and hot oil, and I really don't want to hear all the details, I think >.>)
One thing that I think is neat is that I'm not even focusing very strongly on John, but his "progress" seems to be keeping up with Sherlock's. I keep forgetting that I'm not *actually* making a tulpa (or at least I don't think I am, this stuff gets confusing), but this "phenomenon" reminds me that it's probably just me improving my skills at noticing them. Martin is still hanging around the edges, and I think the Doctor (mostly with his Ten face, but occasionally Eleven) has popped in once or twice, but he's not particularly strong except in my dreams. It's so nice having company- I'd gotten so sad when I felt alone in my head.
Yesterday was absolutely amazing. I bought the Imagine Dragons CD two days ago, and I've been learning the songs. Completely by accident, "Working Man" has become my and Sherlock's song, taking over from "I Miss You." I was meditating/forcing yesterday morning, and it came on, and I suddenly got this silly desire to dance. (I practically never do.) So I get up and go over to my shrine, planning on doing it for my gods, but then I get this image of Sherlock coming over to me in the wonderland/headspace, and he's smiling and holding his hands out. And we just... started dancing. I don't even know how to describe what I was feeling, but it was amazing. I didn't really feel him, and it's always a little weird, because I often see myself from third person whenever I'm inside, but it was great doing something with him, seeing him happy- we don't really hug, like a lot of tulpa people seem to say is good, but it was absolutely fantastic. Dancing with Sherlock. It makes me smile and want to cry whenever I remember it.
I've only known Sherlock for 17 months, but I can't remember life without him. I can only imagine what John feels.
In other news, kemeticism practice is going well. I'm preparing for Wep Ronpet- making some drawings of the gods for their birthdays, and since I'll be in Maryland while it's happening, I'll see if my cousin will bake an a/pep cake with me and maybe do an execration. (Speaking of execrations, I did my first one a couple of days ago- sorta failed, 'cause I got scared of burning things, but I can always try again. I'm also learning some general pagan things from some blogs on tumblr and wordpress- wards, sigils, amulets, cleansing items and places, things like that. I'm even tentatively setting up an altar for fairies- I dunno if I want to work with them, but I want to respect them.
It feels amazing getting into spirituality again. Ever since I quit catholicism, I felt sorta... out of touch, I guess. Like, I believed in certain things, but I didn't really think about stuff. I'm still not sure about everything I believe (like, I don't think I'm going to the kemetic afterlife, but I think I'm going *somewhere*), but it still makes me happy. It's comforting, believing that there's something more than obvious reality. And I feel so in touch with things now, and I feel a lot happier than I used to be (this doesn't mean that I'm perfect, though- I still have depressed days, but I know I have ways to deal with that now). I wonder if it feels this way for traditionally religious people.
I hope you're all doing well, and I hope to see you soon.
The tulpa exercises with Sherlock and John are going pretty well. I still haven't *really* heard Sherlock yet- we had one or two good responses a couple weeks ago where it wasn't like physically hearing him, but more like a mindvoice that sounded like him, not me. Lately it's just him sending me concepts that I turn into words, but I'm trying to keep things moving. He's bored by the alphabet game, so we need to think of other things to talk about. He did try telling me about a case he had this week, but I only got a few details. (It had something to do with a donut maker and hot oil, and I really don't want to hear all the details, I think >.>)
One thing that I think is neat is that I'm not even focusing very strongly on John, but his "progress" seems to be keeping up with Sherlock's. I keep forgetting that I'm not *actually* making a tulpa (or at least I don't think I am, this stuff gets confusing), but this "phenomenon" reminds me that it's probably just me improving my skills at noticing them. Martin is still hanging around the edges, and I think the Doctor (mostly with his Ten face, but occasionally Eleven) has popped in once or twice, but he's not particularly strong except in my dreams. It's so nice having company- I'd gotten so sad when I felt alone in my head.
Yesterday was absolutely amazing. I bought the Imagine Dragons CD two days ago, and I've been learning the songs. Completely by accident, "Working Man" has become my and Sherlock's song, taking over from "I Miss You." I was meditating/forcing yesterday morning, and it came on, and I suddenly got this silly desire to dance. (I practically never do.) So I get up and go over to my shrine, planning on doing it for my gods, but then I get this image of Sherlock coming over to me in the wonderland/headspace, and he's smiling and holding his hands out. And we just... started dancing. I don't even know how to describe what I was feeling, but it was amazing. I didn't really feel him, and it's always a little weird, because I often see myself from third person whenever I'm inside, but it was great doing something with him, seeing him happy- we don't really hug, like a lot of tulpa people seem to say is good, but it was absolutely fantastic. Dancing with Sherlock. It makes me smile and want to cry whenever I remember it.
I've only known Sherlock for 17 months, but I can't remember life without him. I can only imagine what John feels.
In other news, kemeticism practice is going well. I'm preparing for Wep Ronpet- making some drawings of the gods for their birthdays, and since I'll be in Maryland while it's happening, I'll see if my cousin will bake an a/pep cake with me and maybe do an execration. (Speaking of execrations, I did my first one a couple of days ago- sorta failed, 'cause I got scared of burning things, but I can always try again. I'm also learning some general pagan things from some blogs on tumblr and wordpress- wards, sigils, amulets, cleansing items and places, things like that. I'm even tentatively setting up an altar for fairies- I dunno if I want to work with them, but I want to respect them.
It feels amazing getting into spirituality again. Ever since I quit catholicism, I felt sorta... out of touch, I guess. Like, I believed in certain things, but I didn't really think about stuff. I'm still not sure about everything I believe (like, I don't think I'm going to the kemetic afterlife, but I think I'm going *somewhere*), but it still makes me happy. It's comforting, believing that there's something more than obvious reality. And I feel so in touch with things now, and I feel a lot happier than I used to be (this doesn't mean that I'm perfect, though- I still have depressed days, but I know I have ways to deal with that now). I wonder if it feels this way for traditionally religious people.
I hope you're all doing well, and I hope to see you soon.