Thinking about transition
I'm starting to get a little anxious about things now. I've told my dad I want to change my name this year, and I'm planning on seriously bringing up the possibility of starting T soon, too. But.. now that it's "close" (in my mind) I'm getting sort of scared. Not about "if I'm wrong"- I'm a guy, and I know I'm a guy, and I'm fine with that. But.. even though I'm longing to have T in my system, to know what it feels like.. I'm scared of what'll happen to me. I want to be perceived as a guy- I want to have the lower voice, the facial hair (even though I'll just shave it off XD), the possible muscle growth... but I'm scared about all the medical problems I could have. I'm worried about having to still monitor my female parts (until they're gone), having to induce periods to keep me healthy, and taking drugs for the rest of my life. I'm worried about losing hair- that's the one part of my looks that I'm proud of, and I don't want to lose it. I'm worried about the possibility of hurting my liver, or increasing my risk for certain diseases/cancers. I don't usually pay attention to myself medically- I don't go to the doctor except for routine checkups my parents make for me, and the thought of having that responsibility and *needing* to exercise it worries me. Especially because, at this moment, a) I can't imagine myself being an adult/doing all that, and b) how am I going to get to the doctor so often (at least it feels that way) if I don't want to drive and I barely know how to use the bus/train?
And then thinking about surgery.. which I may want even more.. and that's a whole new can of worms. >.>
Even about something as simple as my *name.* I've been going as Ritchie for a little over a year now, I think. I'm trying to decide if that's what I want to change my name to. I don't know if I'm simply getting "bored" with the name, or if it truly doesn't fit me (how would it have taken this long for me to know?), but.. okay. I like it when my friends/teachers call me Ritchie. It feels a little weird from my family (except for my older brother, strangely enough), but for the most part, I respond to the name, and it works. But I'm having a hard time thinking of introducing myself as "Richard" for when I'm an adult. Being called that. Having my mail addressed to "Mr. Richard (last name)..." I'm not sure if it fits me. It feels too masculine. And aside from the fact that I don't want to have to tell everyone "hey, I know I asked you to change what you called me already, but can you do it again?", I don't know what else I'd name myself. I want my name to mean something to me, I don't just want to look through a book of baby names and point at one that sounds okay with my last name. I want to take a name from a role model.. but none of their names seem to fit me. I went through this last summer. So I'm mildly freaking out. Or at least getting really frustrated.
I know that I'm probably working myself up a lot more than is healthy. I know that other people have done this before, and so there's precedent. Hopefully I'll find a doctor that knows what they're doing and I won't be totally screwed health-wise. I'll learn how to take care of myself just like other people do. (I'll just need to work pretty hard to get some confidence first.) I know/believe that things will work out for the best. But I'm still nervous that things won't turn out the way I want and I'll hate myself/my body even more after I go through everything and then I won't have anywhere else to turn. I *really* want to like myself. I just wish it didn't rely so much on outside factors. :/
Two days ago, I was feeling so confident. So excited to be an adult. I was looking out over the city, at office buildings, at cars on the road, at apartment buildings, at.. everything. And I wanted it. I wanted that life. I wanted to be an adult, to be somebody, with a job, a life. I felt like it was possible, like I could get up in the morning, put on a suit, and drive to work, and *do* something with my life. And it felt *amazing.* And now I'm so terrified of growing up. I want to have that confidence back. It feels like I'm on the edge of something, and I need to be pushed over, no matter how scared I am, to learn that "it's okay, really, you can do this." Lately I've had to do more and more "adult" things, like making appointments over the phone, calling in food (and I know it sounds basic, but it's huge for me), and every time afterwards it's felt like "hey, that wasn't so bad." I need that to happen for more things, even though I'd be perfectly content (well.. not really, but you know what I mean) to just stay a teen forever and have other people do all the big things for me.
..I'm about to grow up. I just don't know when. And that terrifies me. But.. it's kind of like being at the top of a huge roller coaster and looking down those hundreds of feet at the tiny "ants" below. Once you get moving.. you'll have the time of your life.
And then thinking about surgery.. which I may want even more.. and that's a whole new can of worms. >.>
Even about something as simple as my *name.* I've been going as Ritchie for a little over a year now, I think. I'm trying to decide if that's what I want to change my name to. I don't know if I'm simply getting "bored" with the name, or if it truly doesn't fit me (how would it have taken this long for me to know?), but.. okay. I like it when my friends/teachers call me Ritchie. It feels a little weird from my family (except for my older brother, strangely enough), but for the most part, I respond to the name, and it works. But I'm having a hard time thinking of introducing myself as "Richard" for when I'm an adult. Being called that. Having my mail addressed to "Mr. Richard (last name)..." I'm not sure if it fits me. It feels too masculine. And aside from the fact that I don't want to have to tell everyone "hey, I know I asked you to change what you called me already, but can you do it again?", I don't know what else I'd name myself. I want my name to mean something to me, I don't just want to look through a book of baby names and point at one that sounds okay with my last name. I want to take a name from a role model.. but none of their names seem to fit me. I went through this last summer. So I'm mildly freaking out. Or at least getting really frustrated.
I know that I'm probably working myself up a lot more than is healthy. I know that other people have done this before, and so there's precedent. Hopefully I'll find a doctor that knows what they're doing and I won't be totally screwed health-wise. I'll learn how to take care of myself just like other people do. (I'll just need to work pretty hard to get some confidence first.) I know/believe that things will work out for the best. But I'm still nervous that things won't turn out the way I want and I'll hate myself/my body even more after I go through everything and then I won't have anywhere else to turn. I *really* want to like myself. I just wish it didn't rely so much on outside factors. :/
Two days ago, I was feeling so confident. So excited to be an adult. I was looking out over the city, at office buildings, at cars on the road, at apartment buildings, at.. everything. And I wanted it. I wanted that life. I wanted to be an adult, to be somebody, with a job, a life. I felt like it was possible, like I could get up in the morning, put on a suit, and drive to work, and *do* something with my life. And it felt *amazing.* And now I'm so terrified of growing up. I want to have that confidence back. It feels like I'm on the edge of something, and I need to be pushed over, no matter how scared I am, to learn that "it's okay, really, you can do this." Lately I've had to do more and more "adult" things, like making appointments over the phone, calling in food (and I know it sounds basic, but it's huge for me), and every time afterwards it's felt like "hey, that wasn't so bad." I need that to happen for more things, even though I'd be perfectly content (well.. not really, but you know what I mean) to just stay a teen forever and have other people do all the big things for me.
..I'm about to grow up. I just don't know when. And that terrifies me. But.. it's kind of like being at the top of a huge roller coaster and looking down those hundreds of feet at the tiny "ants" below. Once you get moving.. you'll have the time of your life.