What if...?
We were talking in depth with dad about the gender issue last night... He admitted to me that while he hopes I end up deciding this isn't something I want to do, he won't be angry at me if I do choose to do it. He still isn't sure if I'm in this 100 percent, though he commented that perhaps that phrase annoys me, since I am the kind of person that'll be pensive and think things through and not be too aggressive with my wants so I don't bother/upset people. I do agree with that... there are so many inner thoughts that I don't share with adults, and some I don't think I've put on my LJ they're that embarrassing.
One thing that was an epiphany today was that I've been wanting to be a boy for a LOT longer than I previously thought. When I was back in kindergarten, I would regularly ask to be called by a "new name," always a male one. I remember falling in love with Star Wars and asking dad to call me Luke for a couple of days. He used to humor me... and then it sort of got forgotten.
As far as I can remember, I've acted like a mix of both genders. When I was younger I would wear dresses (though I was dressed in them, of course) and play with dolls... I also played with legos and other games with my brothers, and I would roughhouse with them for a long time...
When I stopped doing that, in fifth grade, that was around the time I started soulbonding. I've gone back and forth between associating that with wanting to be a boy, but now I'm wondering again. Most of my bonds have been male. People have been telling me over and over to "try out" being a boy, acting like one, trying new behaviors, to see what I like. What if I've been doing something like that with soulbonding? "Trying out" different bonds to try out different behaviors? I feel really bad thinking of them that way, but I don't know... and maybe it could explain part of my reluctance to "keep" trying to act different.
I don't know. Just wanted to get these thoughts down.
One thing that was an epiphany today was that I've been wanting to be a boy for a LOT longer than I previously thought. When I was back in kindergarten, I would regularly ask to be called by a "new name," always a male one. I remember falling in love with Star Wars and asking dad to call me Luke for a couple of days. He used to humor me... and then it sort of got forgotten.
As far as I can remember, I've acted like a mix of both genders. When I was younger I would wear dresses (though I was dressed in them, of course) and play with dolls... I also played with legos and other games with my brothers, and I would roughhouse with them for a long time...
When I stopped doing that, in fifth grade, that was around the time I started soulbonding. I've gone back and forth between associating that with wanting to be a boy, but now I'm wondering again. Most of my bonds have been male. People have been telling me over and over to "try out" being a boy, acting like one, trying new behaviors, to see what I like. What if I've been doing something like that with soulbonding? "Trying out" different bonds to try out different behaviors? I feel really bad thinking of them that way, but I don't know... and maybe it could explain part of my reluctance to "keep" trying to act different.
I don't know. Just wanted to get these thoughts down.