Thank you
I'm sitting in my room, watching a DVD. Some program about the Beatles that could have been made for one of those informational channels or something, as per my current obsession. I'm laughing and squealing through the first half, loving them young, happy, beautiful... and then it gets into post-1966. And I've said this before, I know, but it makes me so damn depressed, listening to it all. I don't want to think of them ending, breaking up, dying, stopping being such good friends... You know, that whole deal.
I'm getting upset, and I can hear the guys half going "there she goes again" and half trying to figure out what to do about it. Some try forcing me to calm down by coming out, and it works for half a second, mind/body going still/blank for a few seconds, but I don't WANT to just forget about it, so I kind of throw them off and keep it up. Then Paul steps up and says, "How old are you? Fourteen, fifteen? And how far can you remember? Back to kindergarten, preschool? That's at least ten, eleven years you can remember in your whole life. And things've been different for you almost every year. Well, for us, that's about how long we were around. Can you imagine doing the same thing with the same people for as long as you've been alive? It's not so much we hated each other, it's just we needed to be our own people, do something different with ourselves."
Now, I don't particularly care if that's what the "real" him would say. That made me stop, and think... and- I mean, it still makes me sad. Their breakup/deaths, even though I've experienced/heard about others, hits me extremely hard for some reason. I'm allowed to feel sad, maybe cry once in a while... But it doesn't have to be the end of world to think about it. It doesn't mean they hated each other, doesn't mean they were bad people, not anything like that. Doesn't mean they weren't friends, didn't love each other at some point. I wish I could have experienced that, known what it was like to be so close to those people, wish I knew them. I'm allowed to wish that terribly. But I'm allowed to focus on the happy times, the good things.
I'm sorry that I keep posting Beatle-related stuff. It's just that right now... they're my strongest bonds, my strongest obsession... and it's a really big part of my life right now. I feel a little silly about getting so upset about something that doesn't have anything to do with me... and maybe that's why I'm sad. I used to get this upset when I imagined trying to get to know William, trying to do what he does. ...I know I'll feel better in a bit. Just feeling a little down and wanted to record the experience. That's it for now.
I'm getting upset, and I can hear the guys half going "there she goes again" and half trying to figure out what to do about it. Some try forcing me to calm down by coming out, and it works for half a second, mind/body going still/blank for a few seconds, but I don't WANT to just forget about it, so I kind of throw them off and keep it up. Then Paul steps up and says, "How old are you? Fourteen, fifteen? And how far can you remember? Back to kindergarten, preschool? That's at least ten, eleven years you can remember in your whole life. And things've been different for you almost every year. Well, for us, that's about how long we were around. Can you imagine doing the same thing with the same people for as long as you've been alive? It's not so much we hated each other, it's just we needed to be our own people, do something different with ourselves."
Now, I don't particularly care if that's what the "real" him would say. That made me stop, and think... and- I mean, it still makes me sad. Their breakup/deaths, even though I've experienced/heard about others, hits me extremely hard for some reason. I'm allowed to feel sad, maybe cry once in a while... But it doesn't have to be the end of world to think about it. It doesn't mean they hated each other, doesn't mean they were bad people, not anything like that. Doesn't mean they weren't friends, didn't love each other at some point. I wish I could have experienced that, known what it was like to be so close to those people, wish I knew them. I'm allowed to wish that terribly. But I'm allowed to focus on the happy times, the good things.
I'm sorry that I keep posting Beatle-related stuff. It's just that right now... they're my strongest bonds, my strongest obsession... and it's a really big part of my life right now. I feel a little silly about getting so upset about something that doesn't have anything to do with me... and maybe that's why I'm sad. I used to get this upset when I imagined trying to get to know William, trying to do what he does. ...I know I'll feel better in a bit. Just feeling a little down and wanted to record the experience. That's it for now.