Aug 22, 2009 12:47
Not quite sure why. I've been doing a lot of reading the last few days (Beatles related, of course) and it's making me feel sad. And not just sad... I'm feeling a little... off, I guess, and I'm not completely sure about why or what to do about it.
This seems to be happening to me more and more often lately- something that I love to death also has the power to make me extremely depressed. Like, I'll love listening to a certain group, love the music, love the people- and then when I think about things deeper, it makes me feel sad. Whether it be the longing to be somebody else, or thinking/reading about the end of groups (reading about the breakup of the Beatles makes me cry, and I refuse to read stories in that time period), or just wondering what it was like... You guys know me well enough by now to know that "I want to know what it was like!" is a *huge* part of how I think, and it makes me upset a lot. I want to know what happened, what they were thinking, how those people are/were really like...
And I suppose it's an identity confusion thing. I obsess over these other people so much, these people I look up to and want to be and know about so badly, and I just don't particularly care about myself anymore. I mean, I try hard at things I like; I *like* being passionate about things and enjoying things, and learning how to do things, all that... but sometimes I sit down and wonder "what's the point of it all? why am I trying so hard to learn this when I'm not going to do what they did- it's a waste of time/money if I'm not going to do it,- when I'm going to eventually die, why should I bother doing all this?" and thoughts like that scare me. (I'm scared of obscurity? But also wary of fame?) I'm not sure if that means that I want to die, if I just want to be somebody else instead of myself...
Maybe that's why I get into the Soulbonding so much, why I've been noticing them being out more than me, feeling like I'm handing over my life to them more and more. I want to know what life would be like looking through their eyes- whether it's just my insatiable curiosity or intense dislike/boredom of being myself. I'm not saying I want to not *be* anymore- if I die, there's no more writing, no more friends, no more music... I want to do what I want, to be what I want, but I'm not even completely sure what I want... and I'm just feeling really confused. And I'm wondering if there's a point to figuring out what I want, because that's not how the world works, so should I just learn to accept what the world will make me like and deal with it? But then I won't be happy and I'll actually want to die then if I can't be myself, so... yeah. You guys can understand why I'm feeling a little off, huh?
I guess I just wanna retreat to a place in my mind where everything works- I have the skills I want, no one'll make me do things I don't want to do, I'll have people who I know I'll love and who'll stick with me... (Someone's saying that I want to make myself like a roleplay character- giving myself the skills/appearance/etc. that I want and then going from there. I want to develop myself in an unrealistic way, from the outside. But instead I'm stuck in a body/character that doesn't do what I want and I can't get out of.) I'm wondering if there's something wrong with me. (Why can't I have therapy on days where my mind actually needs to talk things out?) sigh... I guess that's enough rambling for now... just needed to get that off my chest.
self-reflection,
depressed