(no subject)
I think the hardest thing about dealing with my boyfriend being gone is the lack of confidence that I'm feeling. I have my good days, and my bad days, but it's always so much harder to remember the good days when the day you try to remember happens to be bad.
It's not that I actually have any valid reasons to stereotype my days into good or bad. Just emotions.
Truth is, I feel so far away from what I want.
I miss my boyfriend, That's a for sure. But I can't really express how much I miss him in words, I can't form sentences, and I don't want to pour it out to him in large rants because my lack of confidence will do nothing but drag down the relationship, but it's hard not having his attention. I have to trust him, and that's harder than anything I've experienced in my recent life.
I can't explain why I feel this way, it kills me. I do know, however, that one of my biggest fears is that we (meaning him) won't remember what it's like to be together as time continues going by. I'll say it again. It kills me. I've always considered myself as a very confident lady. I think that was one of the traits that my boyfriend found most appealing, I would if I were a guy, but I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I was happy with who I was and I had such LIFE in me. It's hard to think about how NOT long ago that was. What happened to me?
Another fear, is finances. I'm in such a shithole right now that I'm trying to dig out of, and I know it's possible to do so and I'll more than likely be free of these monetary holds that are placed on me in a few months, but a few months feels like eternity when all you're really doing is waiting for time to pass you by. It's hard, too. My boyfriend moved because of finances.. because he couldn't do anything for himself out here, California is a harsh, harsh universe. An expensive universe at that, and his family.. his bank of family was supporting him for so long and basically got sick of it.. so they left him with no choice but to leave.
It wasn't that hard to make the decision for him. At the time, yeah.. it was a MAJOR decision and it was the biggest thing in both of our minds while it was happening, but now it's happened and it seems like such a mediocre event in hind sight. Everything in front of us (or me, really) sucks.
I don't know whats going to happen, I want this to work. I want to work to make this work.. and want him to work to make this work. But I can't make time unfold any faster and I can't predict what's going to happen tomorrow. Horoscopes are hell, and mine today sucked majorly.
Plus, I know it's selfish, but I get SO jealous when I hear about how well he's doing working there, having money, getting to spend it on himself. I don't want to throw myself a pity party, but I bring out the whistles everynight and roll in the crowds of doubt. I dunno, it's lame. I hate being broke, I hate having to worry about being able to get by. I hate feeling so useless. I've always been independent, I've always been able to take care of things.
I'm just being a baby, I'm sure of it.
It's not that I actually have any valid reasons to stereotype my days into good or bad. Just emotions.
Truth is, I feel so far away from what I want.
I miss my boyfriend, That's a for sure. But I can't really express how much I miss him in words, I can't form sentences, and I don't want to pour it out to him in large rants because my lack of confidence will do nothing but drag down the relationship, but it's hard not having his attention. I have to trust him, and that's harder than anything I've experienced in my recent life.
I can't explain why I feel this way, it kills me. I do know, however, that one of my biggest fears is that we (meaning him) won't remember what it's like to be together as time continues going by. I'll say it again. It kills me. I've always considered myself as a very confident lady. I think that was one of the traits that my boyfriend found most appealing, I would if I were a guy, but I wasn't looking for a boyfriend, I was happy with who I was and I had such LIFE in me. It's hard to think about how NOT long ago that was. What happened to me?
Another fear, is finances. I'm in such a shithole right now that I'm trying to dig out of, and I know it's possible to do so and I'll more than likely be free of these monetary holds that are placed on me in a few months, but a few months feels like eternity when all you're really doing is waiting for time to pass you by. It's hard, too. My boyfriend moved because of finances.. because he couldn't do anything for himself out here, California is a harsh, harsh universe. An expensive universe at that, and his family.. his bank of family was supporting him for so long and basically got sick of it.. so they left him with no choice but to leave.
It wasn't that hard to make the decision for him. At the time, yeah.. it was a MAJOR decision and it was the biggest thing in both of our minds while it was happening, but now it's happened and it seems like such a mediocre event in hind sight. Everything in front of us (or me, really) sucks.
I don't know whats going to happen, I want this to work. I want to work to make this work.. and want him to work to make this work. But I can't make time unfold any faster and I can't predict what's going to happen tomorrow. Horoscopes are hell, and mine today sucked majorly.
Plus, I know it's selfish, but I get SO jealous when I hear about how well he's doing working there, having money, getting to spend it on himself. I don't want to throw myself a pity party, but I bring out the whistles everynight and roll in the crowds of doubt. I dunno, it's lame. I hate being broke, I hate having to worry about being able to get by. I hate feeling so useless. I've always been independent, I've always been able to take care of things.
I'm just being a baby, I'm sure of it.