(no subject)
I'm embarassed of the way I've been living my life. I've been running lately. Everything that could possibly hurt me I turn away. I haven't even began to type in the website for livejournal because I knew exactly what I would find on my friends page and I knew how much it would hurt. But I'm tired of running. I lay in bed every night and think about what my life's become in the past couple of months. What I've done is replaced the feelings of depression and angst with an impenetrable wall of power. I tell myself I'm untouchable, a moral vigilante. I do what I do, I do it well, and I do it the right way. And where has it left me. I've lost friends here, I've lost friends at home, and I've destroyed myself.
But now is the time. I am accepting everything that is apart of my life now. There is no more should in my life. I haven't come to terms with this summer, but I won't run from it anymore. I am not at terms with the person that I am becoming, but I'm taking an active role now. I am no longer a victim. This life is mine and I'll do what I want with it. I can't express how much I've missed this service. There's something intangible about putting your entire self out there for anyone to read and letting them take shots at you or learning from you. One of the smartest men I have ever met told me that writing is a writer's way of elevating the audience. Either they love you or they hate you and either way you show them the way to a greater truth. Call me Frankenstein if you wish...
So now this is about me. I had decided never to be a part of livejournal again because of the pain I felt reading it, and I still felt the pain when I read all of the recent posts, but I don't necessarily have to read anything else. This is about me, I'm going to write everything about me here and leave it at that. My life is now in my hands and I control my own health. I am no longer a victim of a cruel world, my fate is my own decision. And I'll get through all of this myself, even if I want others. I'll get through all of this myself...
But now is the time. I am accepting everything that is apart of my life now. There is no more should in my life. I haven't come to terms with this summer, but I won't run from it anymore. I am not at terms with the person that I am becoming, but I'm taking an active role now. I am no longer a victim. This life is mine and I'll do what I want with it. I can't express how much I've missed this service. There's something intangible about putting your entire self out there for anyone to read and letting them take shots at you or learning from you. One of the smartest men I have ever met told me that writing is a writer's way of elevating the audience. Either they love you or they hate you and either way you show them the way to a greater truth. Call me Frankenstein if you wish...
So now this is about me. I had decided never to be a part of livejournal again because of the pain I felt reading it, and I still felt the pain when I read all of the recent posts, but I don't necessarily have to read anything else. This is about me, I'm going to write everything about me here and leave it at that. My life is now in my hands and I control my own health. I am no longer a victim of a cruel world, my fate is my own decision. And I'll get through all of this myself, even if I want others. I'll get through all of this myself...