Jan 23, 2005 12:20
I miss time. I feel like I don't have any here. Well, I have too much, really, but I have no idea where it all goes. I want to scan in a lot of my negatives, but I just never do it. I want to take pictures, too. Goddamn. It's like things are not scheduled quite perfectly. I want to get into a routine here that isn't too predictable, but is comfortable and something that I approve of.
I wonder if I'm socially inept. I wonder if what I thought was overcoming that was really just covering up. I wonder how much starting school early actually negatively affected me. I never thought too much of it, I just acted like my peers in my grade... but I wonder if I've never felt really like I belonged because of that. Just secretly, underneath the surface.
I wonder how much pot has changed me. I think it goes both ways as far as good and bad.
This entry sounds kind of hopeless when, really, I'm not terribly unhappy. I'd like my body to be back to a nearly flawless state.
I wish people would seek me out. With most people during my entire life, I've always been the one to initiate things. It makes me feel like if I were to make no effort to contact people, I would just live a private, uneventful life. I would hang out with no one. I would be lonely.
I never knew I had so many fucking demons. Someone/Something make a kid feel comfortable where he is. Give him self esteem. Give him self confidence that any nice actions toward him aren't purely out of pity. Maybe it would help if I didn't eat a majority of my meals alone. Maybe that would be helped if my classes weren't scheduled to where I need to eat meals at weird times. Even then, though, if I eat with people, it seems to be me tagging along with another group.
There's an open, male single in Elliott's mod over in Atkinson. I'm kind of considering it. The folks there are all cool. I hung out over there on Friday and they seemed to like me. So that would be straight... but alas, it's like one of the farthest dorms from everything on campus. It'd be such a walk in the winter. The people in Jeff mostly suck, but the location is 2 legit 2 quit. What should I do?
I'm sorry for all the depressing entries in a row for months now. I really want nothing more than to have an update where everything is going quite well. I want to be happy... really.