Passion of a Saint
Title: Passion of A Saint
Genre: AU/AU Ennis/Jack
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer:
The Characters of Ennis And Jack belong to the inimitable Ann Proulx. I
am simply borrowing them for this story. No financial benefit is
derived from this story.
Summary: This story
is set at St. Augustine's. A pious Ennis is a Deacon hoping to become a
priest, and Jack is there for a spiritual retreat in the wilderness.Warnings:
This is set in an alternative universe. While similar, my Ennis and
Jack are different characters, in a different time under different
circumstances.
FeedBack: Yes, Please!
Ennis was not yet at one with the church, for he carried the weight of his sin with him. At first he had avoided the confessional because he knew the affair would end the minute it came to light. With Jack gone it should have been easier to seek absolution, but it was not. It wasn’t that he was unashamed of his homosexuality, because he was. He was just not quite sure how he could get absolution for an act of sin he was not sorry for.
Usually few deacons could get away with not going for confession for two months, but Ennis usually had nothing much to say and Fr. Martin had tired of the pointless exercise.
In his heart, Ennis wished he could take Fr. Michael as confessor having discovered the dept of his compassion. But this sin was too grave a lapse not to involve his mentor and guide into the priesthood. Ennis knew that Fr. Michael would be compelled to give him as penance the task to inform his mentor. No, the fewer people involved, the better.
Ennis walked into the confessional.
“Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. My last confession was two months ago.”
“Good Morning, Ennis.”
“In the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit,” Ennis made the sign of the cross.
“I am guilty of vanity and selfishness, and I have had carnal knowledge of another,” Ennis tried to be gender neutral.
To say Fr. Martin was shocked was an understatement, but he masked his surprise well and helped Ennis instead with his examination of conscience, “Have you ceased your dalliances?”
“Yes.”
“Are you in contact with this person?”
“No.”
“Does this person remain in close vicinity?”
“No.”
“Do you love them?”
“Yes.”
“Do you intend to leave the order?”
“No. I had a moment of human weakness. I stained a love that is pure, a love that I am willing to sacrifice because my love for God is greater.”
“Was it one of your guests at the retreat?”
“Yes.”
“Have you given this person cause to believe you have a future together?”
“I have not.”
“Are you repentant of your sins?”
Ennis hesitated, “I am truly contrite for having strayed from God, and seek his grace in making me a more worthy servant.”
“But you are not sorry for loving this person?”
“I am not.”
"In order to respond to the call of God and start on our journey, it is not necessary to be already perfect. We know that the prodigal son's awareness of his own sin allowed him to set out on his return journey and thus feel the joy of reconciliation with the Father. Weaknesses and human limitations do not present an obstacle, as long as they help make us more aware of the fact that we are in need of the redeeming grace of Christ."
“I am aware.”
“As penance, you shall have to recommit yourself to the Lord. You shall be under probation as deacon for six months. Say one hundred Hail Marys and one hundred Lord’s Prayers every day for six weeks.”
After the Act of Contrition by Ennis and the Prayer of Absolution from Fr. Martin, Ennis was reconciled to the church.
Fr. Martin had adopted Ennis' gender neutral tone, so Ennis was technically spared having to correct his mistaken impression that it was a woman. Jack must have rubbed off on him a bit, because Ennis did not feel the least bit guilty about that.
The days became weeks and the weeks turned to months but the sunshine that had vanished on a summer’s day had never returned to Ennis. Everyone noticed, itself a feat; after all Ennis had always been reclusive and antisocial. Now Ennis had added to that, absentmindedness.
As his confessor, Fr. Martin knew what haunted the young Deacon. He passed by a particularly forlorn looking Ennis, and the urge to console overcome him.
“Ennis.”
Hearing his name Ennis returned from the far away place his mind had escaped to. “Good day, Fr. Martin.”
“Do not despair, that hole in your heart will not last forever. Your love for Christ and the Grace of God will fill the emptiness.”
“I…,” Ennis was at a loss for words.
“I know what you are going through, I understand. This too, shall pass.”
“How?” It was probably an indecent question, rude at a minimum, but Ennis asked anyway.
“Surely you do not think that you are the only man that has forsaken love for Christ”
Ennis knew that was as close as his mentor could ever come to an outright confession. The knowledge both stunned him and indeed gave him faith that somehow, maybe someday, he could love God enough that Jack would cease to matter.
Life wasn’t terrible. It was simply dull. Ennis wondered whether it had always been this way and he’d simply failed to notice. It always seems darker just after you put out the lights, maybe this slump was just a return to normal. A normal without brightness, without spark.
**
Ennis lay awake at night staring at the door that once was all that separated him from Heaven on earth.
He remembered his last night with Jack. He’d gotten undressed and knocked on the adjoining door, posing against the frame. The look on Jack’s face when he opened the door was worth it.
Jack was still in shock when Ennis walked passed him and into the room.
“This is the reception I get?”
“When you knock on my door looking like a live Rodin sculpture it is.”
Ennis stretched out on the bed, “And what would you do with a sculpture, if you had one?”
“I’ll show you later, right now I want you in me.”
“You’re the one still dressed.”
No sooner had Ennis finished talking than Jack was ripping his clothes off.
When Jack finally stood, naked in the moonlight, Ennis tried to swallow the lump in his throat, “You are gorgeous, Jack.”
Jack smiled and crept up on Ennis with feline-like poise on all fours.
“Jack?”
“Grab the headboard and don’t let go.”
“Ok,” Ennis did as he was told.
Apparently, Jack had no patience for niceties that night. He swallowed all of Ennis in one go.
“Jaaaccckkkk…,” Ennis screamed as Jack began bobbing up and down.
Jack came up for air only for a second and noticing Ennis had squirmed until he let go of the headboard, admonished him, “Headboard!”
Like an obedient pup, Ennis complied immediately. He was curious to find out just what Jack had planned.
Jack grabbed the lube and dribbled a copious amount on Ennis’ member, spreading it with his other hand.
It seemed to Ennis that Jack wasn’t heavy on the foreplay, wanting Ennis in him fast, hard and quick. Something about that was simply so sexy his dick throbbed.
After he’d lubed up Ennis’ member, Jack squatted over him and impaled himself on the rock hard cock.
Ennis bit down on his lips, but not before a squeal of ecstasy had escaped him.
Jack’s body glistened with sweat as he moved up and down on Ennis, his cock slapping in rhythm against Ennis’ stomach. He rode Ennis hard and fast, until Ennis’ toes curled up with passion and he neared the point of no return. Then as suddenly as he began Jack stopped.
With Ennis’ cock buried deep inside him, Jack sat on Ennis. He clenched the muscles of his channel around him, eliciting a moan.
Jack bent forward and grabbed Ennis’ lips in a ferocious kiss. He wiggled his butt, squeezing his butt cheeks tight.
Leaning into Ennis’ ear Jack whispered wantonly, “God, Ennis you feel so good.”
Kiss. “That’s it Ennis, push into me.”
Jack moaned into his ear, “Just like that Ennis.” Jack flexed his inner muscles again.
“Do you feel that Ennis?”
“Yes,” Ennis grunted, tightening his grip on the headboard.
“Ooohhh, Ennis. I love it when you throb inside of me like that.”
“Jack,” Ennis’ lips had gone dry with want, “please.”
“Please, what Ennis?” Jack lifted himself enough to grab a nipple in his mouth. Ennis felt himself slip out of Jack.
Ennis hissed, “Jack…”, not quite sure whether he was protesting the loss of one sensation or enjoying the tingle in his nipple.
Ennis had discovered early on that being the ‘girl’, or as Jack would call it ‘bottom’, didn’t mean surrendering control, and right now Jack was definitely in control.
Jack liked driving Ennis into a frenzy, loved hearing Ennis call out his name and needed especially that night to hear it real loud. He propped himself up and squatted over Ennis again, this time going for the home run.
Jack impaled himself on Ennis so that Ennis’ cock grazed his prostate on every down stroke, causing him to shudder and moan each time.
When he could no longer hold the position, Jack leaned back and braced himself with his arms on Ennis’ thighs.
Ennis watched Jack's face awash with passion, his mouth ajar as he panted and moaned.
Jack’s cock swung back and forth, slicing the air between them. He was a sight to behold.
Jack threw his head back in bliss and his cock erupted sending torrents of semen onto Ennis’ chest. The sight of Jack in orgasm, his insides quivering around Ennis’ cock, drove Ennis over the edge. Ennis lifted up from the bed, arched his back, and pushing deep into Jack, came.
Ennis hugged his pillow, imagining he held Jack as he had that day after their first round of love making; round one had said I want you.
“I miss you Jack,” Ennis whispered into the darkness. He sobbed with the knowledge of what round two had said despite words unspoken; I love you.
**
Ennis wondered often about Jack, what he was doing, how was he getting by? He wondered how the ex-gay therapy had turned out and whether Jack still thought about him sometimes.
He wondered whether Jack had taken another lover. Probably so, Ennis tried to be realistic, and the thought drove him insane with jealousy. You have no claim over him, Ennis chided himself. You let him go! What do you expect? It is you who took the vow of chastity not Jack. Ennis tortured himself with such concerns, until his heart broke in a thousand pieces all over again. In the end, Ennis settled the matter by thinking of Jack as someone who had ceased to exist when those three summer weeks ended. To do otherwise, to acknowledge that Jack lived on without him or worse yet with someone else, was too painful to contemplate.
How cruel was God to have him find love and then demand that he renounce it.
Everywhere he turned, something reminded him of Jack. The library where they had spent so much time together, sorting old manuscripts and taking numerous work breaks; the Basilica where they had sat, side by side, thighs and shoulders touching for morning mass.
Thankfully the initial pain had finally subsided, morphing into a dull ache, and a new year began. Ennis had slowly learned to detach himself from his emotions and restrict his reminisces of the past. It wasn’t that Jack was gone from his heart, but rather that he had succeeded to lock the genie back into the bottle where all his inner desires had been stored away in the past.
Just as Ennis was getting reacquainted with his old life, finally finding some acceptance of his fate to have loved and lost, he opened a mysterious e-mail. Ennis was surprised to even receive any personal mail; most of his correspondence was related to the library and historical societies of scholars. This seemed like a dummy address too.
It read:
Finally tracked down your e-mail. Will be passing by February 24th, wanted to visit the library. Jack.
It was short and to the point.
Ennis’ heart soared to the heavens. It was from Jack. And Jack was coming to see him.
Elated, Ennis typed his response and hit send without further ado:
You bet!