(no subject)
i haven't written in here for a long while. but i feel like this makes it all the more safe for me to do so, seeing as few people in my life right now even know that this journal exists.
my girlfriend, while not always good for me, is extremely good to me. she is amazing at noticing my moods and taking care of me when i'm in need - even if i myself don't know that i need to be loved. at times i just hold her in my arms and take comfort in her nearness. it's so good to feel loved, to feel close to someone. i think it even makes my heart ache. but while i sigh with the infinite comfort she provides, my mind is racing with questions. why aren't i on fire for her? why isn't my intelligence sparked by her, why doesn't her personality intrigue me and ask me so many questions - the answers to which i yearn to know? why aren't i behaving as usual? my logic would lead me to believe that it's a good thing that i'm not acting normally, since the way i normally act had led me to so many dead ends and false hopes. but, isn't the way i normally act precisely the definition of myself? myself is in a constant state of flux. i am, after all, in the midst of a period of exploration greater than any before it, or (i feel) to follow. so why do i only long for someone who is part of my past?
we never really had an end, he and i. there was no conclusion, just one wide open blank space, pages and pages with no writing, just waiting for the rest of the story. i hadn't thought on the matter at all, especially since meeting my girlfriend. i had forgotten about that book; i had started on another. but now he writes to me such words of possibility, ones i never could have imagined, and at such a vulnerable time for me. there have been things recently that have reminded me of him, and have made me wish that we talked more on a regular basis. there are things that i want to say to him, things i know now that i didn't know before. i want to say i'm sorry. i want to say that i understand now that you were in love with the me you knew i could be, but i didn't know that me was even a possibility. now i am the me that you saw then, and now i realize that you are exactly what i need. you were what i needed all along, i just wasn't ready for you then. am i still in love with you? and even if i am, what about our jobs? what about our futures? what about the separate lives we lead, what about my girlfriend? what about me? what concerned me most was my butterflies, the same ones from years ago, that came back so quickly that i felt like they had never been gone. what worried me was that i was ready at the drop of a hat, at the whisper of a chance, to throw caution out the window and to follow my heart with reckless abandon and disregard as to who i'd hurt.
after i read those words reminding me of my past, stirring up a hope long lost, i went to her. with desperation, with longing, with fear and hope. with love. i went to her and rested my head and while my body reclined, my thoughts raced ahead
my girlfriend, while not always good for me, is extremely good to me. she is amazing at noticing my moods and taking care of me when i'm in need - even if i myself don't know that i need to be loved. at times i just hold her in my arms and take comfort in her nearness. it's so good to feel loved, to feel close to someone. i think it even makes my heart ache. but while i sigh with the infinite comfort she provides, my mind is racing with questions. why aren't i on fire for her? why isn't my intelligence sparked by her, why doesn't her personality intrigue me and ask me so many questions - the answers to which i yearn to know? why aren't i behaving as usual? my logic would lead me to believe that it's a good thing that i'm not acting normally, since the way i normally act had led me to so many dead ends and false hopes. but, isn't the way i normally act precisely the definition of myself? myself is in a constant state of flux. i am, after all, in the midst of a period of exploration greater than any before it, or (i feel) to follow. so why do i only long for someone who is part of my past?
we never really had an end, he and i. there was no conclusion, just one wide open blank space, pages and pages with no writing, just waiting for the rest of the story. i hadn't thought on the matter at all, especially since meeting my girlfriend. i had forgotten about that book; i had started on another. but now he writes to me such words of possibility, ones i never could have imagined, and at such a vulnerable time for me. there have been things recently that have reminded me of him, and have made me wish that we talked more on a regular basis. there are things that i want to say to him, things i know now that i didn't know before. i want to say i'm sorry. i want to say that i understand now that you were in love with the me you knew i could be, but i didn't know that me was even a possibility. now i am the me that you saw then, and now i realize that you are exactly what i need. you were what i needed all along, i just wasn't ready for you then. am i still in love with you? and even if i am, what about our jobs? what about our futures? what about the separate lives we lead, what about my girlfriend? what about me? what concerned me most was my butterflies, the same ones from years ago, that came back so quickly that i felt like they had never been gone. what worried me was that i was ready at the drop of a hat, at the whisper of a chance, to throw caution out the window and to follow my heart with reckless abandon and disregard as to who i'd hurt.
after i read those words reminding me of my past, stirring up a hope long lost, i went to her. with desperation, with longing, with fear and hope. with love. i went to her and rested my head and while my body reclined, my thoughts raced ahead