(no subject)
most of these days, i've been keeping track of myself on actual paper, in a REAL livejournal, so to speak. therefore, i don't particularly feel the need to rewrite everything here, unless i had my journal here and i could spend a little time in transcription.
i recently revealed some things to my mom that i thought might make her love me less. as yet, i have no reason to believe that she wants to disown me...but then again, i have had no response coming from the other direction either. so what do i believe? love until proven hate? that's the only way i could bear it. because even though i've never fully been dependent on my mother - except probably the first year and a half of my life - even though i've always been ready, willing, and able to do things for myself, i still care about what she thinks. i want her to love and understand me and i want her to be part of my life. doesn't everyone really want that from their mother? this summer job has been teaching me about what it feels like to be a parent; fortunately for me, i only have two more weeks to go. if i was a real mother, i would be just beginning, and would have 18+ years to go before said child would move out of the house. does my mom really mean it when she says that it's "my fault" that i live so far away, that i "chose to leave the family and have to accept the consequences," that i shouldn't get that nostalgic about the family because it is my own doing? is that fair? is that what she really meant to tell me? or was it just another miscommunication, with which my family life is replete? i am learning this summer what it means to be a parent, and i am learning this summer how to handle conflict. colleen is really good at it, and i am "taking lessons" from her textbook. i.e. - addressing problems before they get too out of proportion, stating problems in honest terms with a moderate tone of voice, and continuing to breathe (which was really my biggest problem all along. any argument, without the benefit of an ample supply of oxygen, will seem much worse. then it really does feel like life or death.) i hope that in this next year i can apply these things that i'm learning to my life and continue to grow as a person. everyone i come into contact with tells me that i'm amazing, that i'm talented, that i'm funny, that i'm pretty, that i'm (fill in the blank.) although i don't fully disbelieve them, it's hard for me to fully understand what they see when they see me, because i myself am privy to ALL my internal dialogue. again, i reference one of my favorite songs: "no one would love me if they knew...all the things i hide." is that really true, Rachel? you must stop telling yourself this because what happens when you meet someone with whom you want to share a relationship? if you are always afraid that they won't love you as soon as they know everything about you, then you will never have the total and complete honesty that you know is so essential to good relationships. it feels like, to me, that i am like so many psychotherapists - really really good at diagnosing other people's problems, but unable to solve my own.
well, and how much harder is it when you don't have experiences to build knowledge upon? what does knowledge mean when you don't have an opportunity to apply it? these are too many questions, Rachel. you are circling back now, you realize. i just hope sean doesn't read this. and if you are, it's probably good to know, sean, that as many times that i call you a pussy, i call myself a pussy a thousand more times in a day. when i get frustrated with you for not taking initiative in a situation and not doing something even when you don't want to, it's because i live with the constant guilt of feeling that i myself am not doing nearly enough. and hopefully lately i've been able to be more honest with you, since i am trying to apply colleen's policy of openness and honesty (which up until this summer i thought i had been practicing. o how wrong i was. well each day has something new to teach us.) anyway, sean - i love you and i want to help you and that's why i may seem frustrated at times.
but i digress.
i think that i spend too much time immersed within my own thoughts...but really, i have yet to understand what it means to accept myself. the other week, i burst a blood vessel in the inside corner of my left eye...due to stress. until i woke up bloodshot, i hadn't even accepted the fact that i was dealing with some difficult personal issues. i had just been content to skim over the surface, not paying attention to the way that i really felt, but instead, knowing what it was that i "should have been feeling," and thereafter convincing myself that those were my true feelings.
the truth is that i hurt. not as much as planned. not as much as i was building myself up to withstand (you always overplan, Rachel.) but nevertheless, the idea that yet ANOTHER person in my life that i have been head-over-heels about doesn't love me back in the same way. just another brick in the pyramid of self-doubt when it comes to relationships. but, Rachel, you knew in the beginning that it was a bad situation; everyone whose advice you asked told you to use extreme caution because you were dealing with heavy explosives that could seriously damage your heart. and, if you were really honest with yourself, you would also realize that you two really are very different people. would you even know how to handle the situation? but it was so honest and it felt so right and it was so easy and natural and it felt just like it's supposed to feel - like all the movies say. your heart went pitter-pat, and you must have had stars in your eyes. but in the flurry of a week, excitement rose to a climax, and then promptly crashed down again. of course. why would it have been any different? this is the way things are, Rachel. this is the way your life is. lonely until proven loved.
and yet i persist. there are so many inspirations around me in my life, in the lives of others. there are so many situations that have been overcome, so many obstacles avoided, so many successes in the face of failure. how can i NOT hope in the future? the nature of life is agony - exquisite agony - and it is good.
this, too shall pass. one day, it will be my turn. one day.
i recently revealed some things to my mom that i thought might make her love me less. as yet, i have no reason to believe that she wants to disown me...but then again, i have had no response coming from the other direction either. so what do i believe? love until proven hate? that's the only way i could bear it. because even though i've never fully been dependent on my mother - except probably the first year and a half of my life - even though i've always been ready, willing, and able to do things for myself, i still care about what she thinks. i want her to love and understand me and i want her to be part of my life. doesn't everyone really want that from their mother? this summer job has been teaching me about what it feels like to be a parent; fortunately for me, i only have two more weeks to go. if i was a real mother, i would be just beginning, and would have 18+ years to go before said child would move out of the house. does my mom really mean it when she says that it's "my fault" that i live so far away, that i "chose to leave the family and have to accept the consequences," that i shouldn't get that nostalgic about the family because it is my own doing? is that fair? is that what she really meant to tell me? or was it just another miscommunication, with which my family life is replete? i am learning this summer what it means to be a parent, and i am learning this summer how to handle conflict. colleen is really good at it, and i am "taking lessons" from her textbook. i.e. - addressing problems before they get too out of proportion, stating problems in honest terms with a moderate tone of voice, and continuing to breathe (which was really my biggest problem all along. any argument, without the benefit of an ample supply of oxygen, will seem much worse. then it really does feel like life or death.) i hope that in this next year i can apply these things that i'm learning to my life and continue to grow as a person. everyone i come into contact with tells me that i'm amazing, that i'm talented, that i'm funny, that i'm pretty, that i'm (fill in the blank.) although i don't fully disbelieve them, it's hard for me to fully understand what they see when they see me, because i myself am privy to ALL my internal dialogue. again, i reference one of my favorite songs: "no one would love me if they knew...all the things i hide." is that really true, Rachel? you must stop telling yourself this because what happens when you meet someone with whom you want to share a relationship? if you are always afraid that they won't love you as soon as they know everything about you, then you will never have the total and complete honesty that you know is so essential to good relationships. it feels like, to me, that i am like so many psychotherapists - really really good at diagnosing other people's problems, but unable to solve my own.
well, and how much harder is it when you don't have experiences to build knowledge upon? what does knowledge mean when you don't have an opportunity to apply it? these are too many questions, Rachel. you are circling back now, you realize. i just hope sean doesn't read this. and if you are, it's probably good to know, sean, that as many times that i call you a pussy, i call myself a pussy a thousand more times in a day. when i get frustrated with you for not taking initiative in a situation and not doing something even when you don't want to, it's because i live with the constant guilt of feeling that i myself am not doing nearly enough. and hopefully lately i've been able to be more honest with you, since i am trying to apply colleen's policy of openness and honesty (which up until this summer i thought i had been practicing. o how wrong i was. well each day has something new to teach us.) anyway, sean - i love you and i want to help you and that's why i may seem frustrated at times.
but i digress.
i think that i spend too much time immersed within my own thoughts...but really, i have yet to understand what it means to accept myself. the other week, i burst a blood vessel in the inside corner of my left eye...due to stress. until i woke up bloodshot, i hadn't even accepted the fact that i was dealing with some difficult personal issues. i had just been content to skim over the surface, not paying attention to the way that i really felt, but instead, knowing what it was that i "should have been feeling," and thereafter convincing myself that those were my true feelings.
the truth is that i hurt. not as much as planned. not as much as i was building myself up to withstand (you always overplan, Rachel.) but nevertheless, the idea that yet ANOTHER person in my life that i have been head-over-heels about doesn't love me back in the same way. just another brick in the pyramid of self-doubt when it comes to relationships. but, Rachel, you knew in the beginning that it was a bad situation; everyone whose advice you asked told you to use extreme caution because you were dealing with heavy explosives that could seriously damage your heart. and, if you were really honest with yourself, you would also realize that you two really are very different people. would you even know how to handle the situation? but it was so honest and it felt so right and it was so easy and natural and it felt just like it's supposed to feel - like all the movies say. your heart went pitter-pat, and you must have had stars in your eyes. but in the flurry of a week, excitement rose to a climax, and then promptly crashed down again. of course. why would it have been any different? this is the way things are, Rachel. this is the way your life is. lonely until proven loved.
and yet i persist. there are so many inspirations around me in my life, in the lives of others. there are so many situations that have been overcome, so many obstacles avoided, so many successes in the face of failure. how can i NOT hope in the future? the nature of life is agony - exquisite agony - and it is good.
this, too shall pass. one day, it will be my turn. one day.