(no subject)
this isn't really what i want to be doing at this time of the morning, but here i am. seems i am revisiting the olden days of insomnia just for nostalgia's sake (and against my will.) i don't mind being up this late if i had never been asleep, but waking up and then not being able to go back...
sunday: the day before monday was a) short, b) beautiful, c) strangely pieced together, and d) unsatisfyingly open-ended. i did so many things, and almost none of them were related to anything else.
1. art museum
2. finding sean in the park while walking home from the art museum, basking in the sun on his front stoop
3. Mayfair Mall with sean and arion (where nothing was purchased...not even the RingPops i had so enthusiastically yearned after)
4. cookout at Brent and George's apt
number 4 being the constituant of my list that left me with the wide-open feeling of not knowing what exactly is going on in my life at the moment. ordinarily, i'd be upset by the thought...but i am strangely resigned to it. that feeling of free-falling...isn't it what everyone pines after anyway? isn't it what drugs/alcohol/sex/rocknroll/other are all about? of being out of control and loving it? don't get me wrong: i most definitely was not in a drugged stupor, but i think the combination of being outside on the roof, smelling the grill, sitting in a camp chair, making s'mores, and NOT being with my family was somewhat disheartening/bittersweet/confusing/other for me. because i have only done that with them before, and had secretly/subconsciously regarded it as sacred in a way. and since it's been so long since i have even done those campy things with my family, it not only made me miss them, it also made me miss the way they used to be, the way we used to be. i have been talking about family a lot recently (and probably boring jo to death with my endless musings on the subject,) but i can't seem to come to any satisfying conclusions about even so little as the way i feel about the "state of our family." i don't expect to be able to fix anything, by any means, but can't i at least have the ability to name us for what we are, who we are, where we are going? it is escaping me because we are all such a confusing blend of who we are, and who we were. again with the obsession about the relationship between past and present; seems to be one of my more popular themes. i imagine that most of this is due to the fact that 3 of us are going through really very experimental phases of our lives, and the parents are going through the ever popular "mid-life crisis" segment of theirs...and little alison? she is almost there, too. at such a time of usurpation (is that even a word?) i shouldn't even expect to be able to figure us out because none of us as individuals have figured out who we are yet. i keep imagining a movie-like scenario where in about 5 years we will have an immensely rewarding family reunion over a huge Thanksgiving turkey (and of course pumpkin pie) where we all lay the shit on the table and become reconciled with one another, and realize how much we've missed being together as a family. but of course...isn't this scene just as unrealistic as all those romantic comedies that seem to be dreamed up by the same type of person who spends long hours with sweaty palms, typing sultry romance novels...isn't it just as unrealistic? for our sakes, i hope not.
as for me and mine, we are continually learning new and more creative ways to feel bad about ourselves, and then finding new and still more creative ways to talk ourselves out of them. my most rewarding experience of the weekend was actually a two-parter: not being afraid of janie/susan on saturday like i thought i would be, and not being afraid of janie/susan on sunday like i thought i would be. it's weird that i feel that way...with johanna, i respect/admire her just as much (if not more) but feel more comfortable around her...actually i think that it's just the fact that i've spent more time with her, because i remember feeling that little-kid feeling being around her before. i imagine that younger siblings feel this way when they have an older sister that they intensely admire but at the same time are afraid of. (does alison feel that way? what about michelle or sharon? it doesn't seem like they would ever be afraid of anything, much less of me.) and so it is with me. the good news is that next year, susan will be around here, so i can continue to dispel my anxiety, but the bad/awful/terrible news is that johanna won't be here, and neither will janie. what the fuck is wrong with wanting to keep my friends? why are dancers doomed to be separeted from the ones they love, while at the same time being expected to endure such great daily emotional strife - the type for which good, solid friends are absolutely necessary? i don't feel like my heart is big enough anymore, like there's no room for anyone new unless i push a little bit of the love i have for old friends out. do you remember Brownie Girl Scouts, rachel? "make new friends, but keep the old. one is silver, and the other's gold. a circle's round: it has no end. that's how long i want to be your friend." amen to that. advice to live by, engrained in your heart since second grade, rachel. run with it
sunday: the day before monday was a) short, b) beautiful, c) strangely pieced together, and d) unsatisfyingly open-ended. i did so many things, and almost none of them were related to anything else.
1. art museum
2. finding sean in the park while walking home from the art museum, basking in the sun on his front stoop
3. Mayfair Mall with sean and arion (where nothing was purchased...not even the RingPops i had so enthusiastically yearned after)
4. cookout at Brent and George's apt
number 4 being the constituant of my list that left me with the wide-open feeling of not knowing what exactly is going on in my life at the moment. ordinarily, i'd be upset by the thought...but i am strangely resigned to it. that feeling of free-falling...isn't it what everyone pines after anyway? isn't it what drugs/alcohol/sex/rocknroll/other are all about? of being out of control and loving it? don't get me wrong: i most definitely was not in a drugged stupor, but i think the combination of being outside on the roof, smelling the grill, sitting in a camp chair, making s'mores, and NOT being with my family was somewhat disheartening/bittersweet/confusing/other for me. because i have only done that with them before, and had secretly/subconsciously regarded it as sacred in a way. and since it's been so long since i have even done those campy things with my family, it not only made me miss them, it also made me miss the way they used to be, the way we used to be. i have been talking about family a lot recently (and probably boring jo to death with my endless musings on the subject,) but i can't seem to come to any satisfying conclusions about even so little as the way i feel about the "state of our family." i don't expect to be able to fix anything, by any means, but can't i at least have the ability to name us for what we are, who we are, where we are going? it is escaping me because we are all such a confusing blend of who we are, and who we were. again with the obsession about the relationship between past and present; seems to be one of my more popular themes. i imagine that most of this is due to the fact that 3 of us are going through really very experimental phases of our lives, and the parents are going through the ever popular "mid-life crisis" segment of theirs...and little alison? she is almost there, too. at such a time of usurpation (is that even a word?) i shouldn't even expect to be able to figure us out because none of us as individuals have figured out who we are yet. i keep imagining a movie-like scenario where in about 5 years we will have an immensely rewarding family reunion over a huge Thanksgiving turkey (and of course pumpkin pie) where we all lay the shit on the table and become reconciled with one another, and realize how much we've missed being together as a family. but of course...isn't this scene just as unrealistic as all those romantic comedies that seem to be dreamed up by the same type of person who spends long hours with sweaty palms, typing sultry romance novels...isn't it just as unrealistic? for our sakes, i hope not.
as for me and mine, we are continually learning new and more creative ways to feel bad about ourselves, and then finding new and still more creative ways to talk ourselves out of them. my most rewarding experience of the weekend was actually a two-parter: not being afraid of janie/susan on saturday like i thought i would be, and not being afraid of janie/susan on sunday like i thought i would be. it's weird that i feel that way...with johanna, i respect/admire her just as much (if not more) but feel more comfortable around her...actually i think that it's just the fact that i've spent more time with her, because i remember feeling that little-kid feeling being around her before. i imagine that younger siblings feel this way when they have an older sister that they intensely admire but at the same time are afraid of. (does alison feel that way? what about michelle or sharon? it doesn't seem like they would ever be afraid of anything, much less of me.) and so it is with me. the good news is that next year, susan will be around here, so i can continue to dispel my anxiety, but the bad/awful/terrible news is that johanna won't be here, and neither will janie. what the fuck is wrong with wanting to keep my friends? why are dancers doomed to be separeted from the ones they love, while at the same time being expected to endure such great daily emotional strife - the type for which good, solid friends are absolutely necessary? i don't feel like my heart is big enough anymore, like there's no room for anyone new unless i push a little bit of the love i have for old friends out. do you remember Brownie Girl Scouts, rachel? "make new friends, but keep the old. one is silver, and the other's gold. a circle's round: it has no end. that's how long i want to be your friend." amen to that. advice to live by, engrained in your heart since second grade, rachel. run with it