That feeling of impending doom....
So awhile back my mom was diagnosed with ovarian cancer.
At the time i was heartbroken and upset, I thought it was the end of the line for sure. See, my grandmother died of cancer around 6 years ago, so the very thought of it all instilled huge fear in me.
A treatment plan was put into place, involving chemo and surgery....so things started to look not so bad all of the sudden! Hell, Grama died 6 years ago, things have come so far in that time in research and new treatment methods, it'd be unrealistic and ufair to just expect that my mom would meet the same fate.
So, I tried as hard as i could to suck it up and keep my chin up, and look forward to better times.
Now, even though i was told 100000 times byvarious people, that i should be up there more often, and i should be paying more attention to her, I really didn't put much more effort into anything.
See, my mom and i are the same, so she understands.
When mommy had a cold, or a fever, or so much as said she didn't feel well...i ran to Grama and Poppas, thats just the way its always been. I'm not good with sick people.
Anyone who knows me knows that.
Plus, whenever i was around her, i got upset, which upset her, and that upset me....ugly cycle.
So, i called more than usual....but no, i didn't spend more time there than usual...even though i should have.
Christmas was tough.
Mom wanted me to learn how to cook the turkey...she said she wanted to be the one that had taught me.
I didn't pay attention.
I didn't want to learn.
I didn't want to think of a time when it wasn't her doing it.
Its a very strange situation...the whole reason i'm IN Toronto is because me and her never ever got along...hated each other even.
I've said and done some of the nastiest things you could ever think of to that woman....and vice versa.
Since I've left, we get along much better....she's more like a friend, than a mother.
My friends to the best of my knowledge, have always really liked her, she's been easy to get along with, and downright fun to spend time with.
It'd been well over a week since i called her come Friday night, and even then i thought of calling, and then decided against it, figured i'd wait til Saturday afternoon or something....but then i opened up my Cosmo to pass the time, and came across an article "how to deal with your mother" and thought....heh, must be a sign.
So i called.
It seems all is not well afterall.
The cancer they thought they had under control, has actually gotten way out of control, and there is now nothing they can do.
My mom is down to basically a month or so left to live.
I've been fighting a panic attack all day.
I wandered around downtown, all over the Eaton Centre and Dufferin Mall....just killing time, and every time i had an idle moment, i could feel this huge....thing...welling up inside me.
I'm not sure whether to kick and scream, cry and whine, bitch and moan.....i have no idea.
I dont deserve any of your support, after how flaky i've been myself over the last few months....and to be honest i don't know what anyone could do anyway.
I just wish i knew what *I* could do.
I'm going to lose control for the next little while, i'm going to be floating in midair....i'm going to act irrational, i'm going to cry all the fucking time, and i'll likley be drunk more than usual.
And i'm sorry, if thats hard for some of you to understand.
But this is by far and away the worst WORST feeling, anyone could ever have.
Impending Doom.
The Waiting Game.
Please God, don't let her hurt anymore than she has to.
At the time i was heartbroken and upset, I thought it was the end of the line for sure. See, my grandmother died of cancer around 6 years ago, so the very thought of it all instilled huge fear in me.
A treatment plan was put into place, involving chemo and surgery....so things started to look not so bad all of the sudden! Hell, Grama died 6 years ago, things have come so far in that time in research and new treatment methods, it'd be unrealistic and ufair to just expect that my mom would meet the same fate.
So, I tried as hard as i could to suck it up and keep my chin up, and look forward to better times.
Now, even though i was told 100000 times byvarious people, that i should be up there more often, and i should be paying more attention to her, I really didn't put much more effort into anything.
See, my mom and i are the same, so she understands.
When mommy had a cold, or a fever, or so much as said she didn't feel well...i ran to Grama and Poppas, thats just the way its always been. I'm not good with sick people.
Anyone who knows me knows that.
Plus, whenever i was around her, i got upset, which upset her, and that upset me....ugly cycle.
So, i called more than usual....but no, i didn't spend more time there than usual...even though i should have.
Christmas was tough.
Mom wanted me to learn how to cook the turkey...she said she wanted to be the one that had taught me.
I didn't pay attention.
I didn't want to learn.
I didn't want to think of a time when it wasn't her doing it.
Its a very strange situation...the whole reason i'm IN Toronto is because me and her never ever got along...hated each other even.
I've said and done some of the nastiest things you could ever think of to that woman....and vice versa.
Since I've left, we get along much better....she's more like a friend, than a mother.
My friends to the best of my knowledge, have always really liked her, she's been easy to get along with, and downright fun to spend time with.
It'd been well over a week since i called her come Friday night, and even then i thought of calling, and then decided against it, figured i'd wait til Saturday afternoon or something....but then i opened up my Cosmo to pass the time, and came across an article "how to deal with your mother" and thought....heh, must be a sign.
So i called.
It seems all is not well afterall.
The cancer they thought they had under control, has actually gotten way out of control, and there is now nothing they can do.
My mom is down to basically a month or so left to live.
I've been fighting a panic attack all day.
I wandered around downtown, all over the Eaton Centre and Dufferin Mall....just killing time, and every time i had an idle moment, i could feel this huge....thing...welling up inside me.
I'm not sure whether to kick and scream, cry and whine, bitch and moan.....i have no idea.
I dont deserve any of your support, after how flaky i've been myself over the last few months....and to be honest i don't know what anyone could do anyway.
I just wish i knew what *I* could do.
I'm going to lose control for the next little while, i'm going to be floating in midair....i'm going to act irrational, i'm going to cry all the fucking time, and i'll likley be drunk more than usual.
And i'm sorry, if thats hard for some of you to understand.
But this is by far and away the worst WORST feeling, anyone could ever have.
Impending Doom.
The Waiting Game.
Please God, don't let her hurt anymore than she has to.