Happy 5 Year Gay-aversary To Me!
Well, I knew this journal was good for something...
I remember when I first questioned my sexuality that I wrote a really retarded entry about it...
Well, it's exactly five years later... and I'm going to post it for all to see (the original entry was and still is private on here). It's pretty hilarious and incredibly embarrassing...
confusion to the max... solved
Ok. So i really have no idea what this means.
But I totally have a crush on this chick in my harmony class. Well... old harmony class considering I finished it today. But its really weird.
Like the thought of doing anything remotely sexual with a girl totally irks me out. Like even the thought of the concept of "having a girlfriend" is really not something that appeals to me... like it would be weird an awkward. How would you stand next to each other or hold each other?? Like, that's such a weird turny-offy thing to me.
Yet I am somehow attracted to this girl. When I see her I get all nervous and my heart races and weird shit. The other day I didnt feel like going back to my apartment in between two finals so I just decided to sit and study in the hallway for 2 hours. When one of the classes nearby was getting let out someone walked by me but kind of faltered and so I looked up and then did a double take cuz it was that girl, Molly (?), and we both kinda just shockingly looked at each other and then we brokenly said "hello" and then she went off to class... and i was just sitting there thinking "what the hell was that??".
Very weird moment.
That and i catch her glancing at me in class.. maybe its cuz im paranoid and keep looking at her cuz I'm so confused about the whole situation and then she looks back because of that whole "i feel like someone is watching me" thing.
Yah know what though... maybe this is actually normal. I've heard about it before. That and I haven't had a relationship in so long that maybe I'm just getting ridiculously desperate. I guess I shouldn't have to justify it though. Its just some weird thing that would never actually happen or something i would persue anyway.
Just food for my thoughts I guess.
I really do feel like its perpetuated though. Mostly by me in my head.
Like, I think that since only recently girls have had crushes on me (to my knowledge.. I'd like to hope that some guys have recently too.), that i feel like I'm really getting no other option. That and it doesn't help that Jed constantly tells me that if i were a lesbian I'd "get so much ass its recockulous". Well typing about it made me feel a lot better and more assured that I'm not gay in anyway. I'd never want to do anything with this girl. It's just this weird thing. I think I just really need someone. I think thats all my subconscious is getting at cuz i even dreamed about having some form of a girlfriend.. but using her to see Diana Krall cuz she was her aunt or something.. I'm such a bitch. HAHA.
damn subconscious. I think it was tricking me into making me like this girl so that I'd sit here and ponder and then realize that i just need SOMEONE and that i needed to find some way to stumble across it. Damn I'm so smart sometimes it hurts.
My brain is a mecca.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT????
I remember when I first questioned my sexuality that I wrote a really retarded entry about it...
Well, it's exactly five years later... and I'm going to post it for all to see (the original entry was and still is private on here). It's pretty hilarious and incredibly embarrassing...
confusion to the max... solved
Ok. So i really have no idea what this means.
But I totally have a crush on this chick in my harmony class. Well... old harmony class considering I finished it today. But its really weird.
Like the thought of doing anything remotely sexual with a girl totally irks me out. Like even the thought of the concept of "having a girlfriend" is really not something that appeals to me... like it would be weird an awkward. How would you stand next to each other or hold each other?? Like, that's such a weird turny-offy thing to me.
Yet I am somehow attracted to this girl. When I see her I get all nervous and my heart races and weird shit. The other day I didnt feel like going back to my apartment in between two finals so I just decided to sit and study in the hallway for 2 hours. When one of the classes nearby was getting let out someone walked by me but kind of faltered and so I looked up and then did a double take cuz it was that girl, Molly (?), and we both kinda just shockingly looked at each other and then we brokenly said "hello" and then she went off to class... and i was just sitting there thinking "what the hell was that??".
Very weird moment.
That and i catch her glancing at me in class.. maybe its cuz im paranoid and keep looking at her cuz I'm so confused about the whole situation and then she looks back because of that whole "i feel like someone is watching me" thing.
Yah know what though... maybe this is actually normal. I've heard about it before. That and I haven't had a relationship in so long that maybe I'm just getting ridiculously desperate. I guess I shouldn't have to justify it though. Its just some weird thing that would never actually happen or something i would persue anyway.
Just food for my thoughts I guess.
I really do feel like its perpetuated though. Mostly by me in my head.
Like, I think that since only recently girls have had crushes on me (to my knowledge.. I'd like to hope that some guys have recently too.), that i feel like I'm really getting no other option. That and it doesn't help that Jed constantly tells me that if i were a lesbian I'd "get so much ass its recockulous". Well typing about it made me feel a lot better and more assured that I'm not gay in anyway. I'd never want to do anything with this girl. It's just this weird thing. I think I just really need someone. I think thats all my subconscious is getting at cuz i even dreamed about having some form of a girlfriend.. but using her to see Diana Krall cuz she was her aunt or something.. I'm such a bitch. HAHA.
damn subconscious. I think it was tricking me into making me like this girl so that I'd sit here and ponder and then realize that i just need SOMEONE and that i needed to find some way to stumble across it. Damn I'm so smart sometimes it hurts.
My brain is a mecca.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! WHAT????